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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
lilmishap · 11/12/2021 22:50

@SpaceshiptoMars

Op, if you don't fancy BJs, you don't have to deny him all intimacy. When he asked, you can say you really, really don't like doing that, but hey, there is magic at the end of your fingertipsWink

Everyone knows how to stroke a cat, or fondle a dog's ears don't they? Why should husbands miss out?

The same reason Billy from the bus stop misses out when he wants me to suck him off. I don't wanna.

Is asking a bloke to lick you out when you're bleeding and he finds it a turn off rude? Can I get shitty when he says he doesn't want to?

He's not a dog. A dog wouldn't sulk and make you feel shit if you didn't stroke it's ears. If it did you'd tell it to fuck off

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 22:53

@Hertsgirl10 you really think that affairs are about a lack of intimacy/sexual satisfaction? That's bullshit.

If you want more satisfaction you fuck off and get it after divorcing. You don't remove ALL intimacy by cheating

Hertsgirl10 · 11/12/2021 23:14

[quote lilmishap]@Hertsgirl10 you really think that affairs are about a lack of intimacy/sexual satisfaction? That's bullshit.

If you want more satisfaction you fuck off and get it after divorcing. You don't remove ALL intimacy by cheating[/quote]
@lilmishap

I’m not an expert in affairs but when I see so many posts about them and how much goes on in real life it’s always that sex is involved. There could be more to it but when people beg to get back with the ones the cheat on it’s like they’ve had their urges met now want back in their usual life… till the next affair for sex.

What do you think affairs are all about?

Heartofglass12345 · 11/12/2021 23:20

See, I enjoy giving blowjobs and we do different things in bed together but I see it as something that happens naturally, when you're both in the mood.
I don't think my husband has ever asked for one, and my ex only ever mentioned it when we were actually being intimate with each other, and he gave me oral for months before I actually gave him any.
I find it weird that you'd be sat there watching TV or something and they just ask for one, especially if the kids are awake and in the other room!
And to sulk about it is even worse, how could he even dream of expecting you to do something that he knows you don't particularly like doing and wouldn't enjoy (which I'm assuming he knew from the beginning)

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 11/12/2021 23:26

Maybe you're just not very sexually compatible. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was icked out at the thought of performing oral sex on me. But of course it's your right to not want to give blow jobs.

10 say periods though. No way I could tolerate that!

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 23:26

So many people are not sexually suited then affairs happen and everyone’s up in arms at how awful the cheater is.

If someone feels they are in a sexually mismatched marriage and it's a deal breaker then they could just leave instead of have an affair. A cheater is always a pathetic coward, and to try and insinuate its the fault of a partner who doesn't force themselves to do sexual acts they aren't comfortable with because their partner is pressuring them is...interesting. But mostly gross.

MrsLarry · 11/12/2021 23:35

@grossnessewwww

Eeewww sperm in mouth. Ick.
Jeez! Are you a teenager?
Hertsgirl10 · 11/12/2021 23:39

@Tabbacus

So many people are not sexually suited then affairs happen and everyone’s up in arms at how awful the cheater is.

If someone feels they are in a sexually mismatched marriage and it's a deal breaker then they could just leave instead of have an affair. A cheater is always a pathetic coward, and to try and insinuate its the fault of a partner who doesn't force themselves to do sexual acts they aren't comfortable with because their partner is pressuring them is...interesting. But mostly gross.

@Tabbacus Of course that’s gross I’m not saying it isn’t, I said this is what happened when people aren’t compatible sexually.

I’m sure people misunderstand on this site in purpose.

I couldn’t be with someone that didn’t do certain things I would get bored but equally would think a man was quite childish if they didn’t want sex while a woman’s on her period, but seems that’s not a popular opinion on here.

I wonder if the people that are with mismatched sexual compatible people are the ones pissed off that their partners are watching porn and sorting themselves out.

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 23:40

"@Hertsgirl10 was with a serial cheater for 15 years, only found that out when the relationship ended(but suspected several things and was told I was mental)

I think it's about believing you can get away with it. If you WANTED the affair partner you would leave to be with them. If you don't leave to be with them there is a reason.

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 23:41

That reason is not she isn't giving me BJs, it may be 'I never really considered her that important'

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 23:43

If a relationship isn't satisfying you, the adult thing to do is try to make it work, accept your lot or leave. Even that means being alone.

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 23:43

*if

CheeseMmmm · 12/12/2021 03:35

Really interesting that reversing the situation.

Which is vv relevant.

No one said yep.

IE
Can I get oral?
Find privacy, knickers off, he does the do, DD she comes, knickers on, over.

And if yes we do that. Whether she says that when knows he doesn't enjoy and isn't in the mood either.

Interesting.

HadaVerde · 12/12/2021 11:05

Ever say to OH, can I get oral. And he delivers with no expectation of getting off himself? He says yep and does the do, you come, put knickers back on, that's that?

Absolutely yes. I can and do ask outright and he likes that I do which is key.

Mutual satisfaction/sexual compatibility.

BarefootHippieChick · 12/12/2021 11:06

Same here actually hadaverde I honestly think my dh loves it more than I do 😂

MurielSpriggs · 12/12/2021 11:08

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

I'm sorry, but I find this absolutely shocking. It's can I have a BJ. FFS.

MurielSpriggs · 12/12/2021 11:11

@BarefootHippieChick

Same here actually hadaverde I honestly think my dh loves it more than I do 😂
Don't worry, someone will be along shortly to say that your husband is an appalling pervert, that you should have a higher opinion of yourself than to let him use you for his enjoyment, what a "prince among men" and you could do so much better Grin
me4real · 12/12/2021 11:17

It would be quite a turn-off for me as I had a lot of boyfriends who were crude about sex like that. Next time I want something different. Where's the romance?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 12/12/2021 11:19

@HadaVerde

Ever say to OH, can I get oral. And he delivers with no expectation of getting off himself? He says yep and does the do, you come, put knickers back on, that's that?

Absolutely yes. I can and do ask outright and he likes that I do which is key.

Mutual satisfaction/sexual compatibility.

I've done this too and the same in reverse. The OPs DH didn't make an outrageous request nor did he ask for it to happen right then and there as some posters are insinuating (despite OP clarifying that he meant after the DC were in bed). Ok so he's aware OP isn't a fan, but she states she's done it before so it wasn't totally out of the realms of possibility that she'd do it again!!

Massive overreactions on this thread, shocker. No, women are not there to 'service' men, but in a relationship there such a thing as give and take, and withholding sexual intimacy for 10 days every month doesn't sound heathy imo.

The main issue is him sulking, because that's a big no. But him asking in the first place.. nah he wasn't in the wrong there.

No, I'm not a man it's just a username.

5128gap · 12/12/2021 11:23

Neither is wrong, just an area of incompatibility. If you've made it clear you don't like it and its forever off the agenda, he is wrong for pestering. He needs to either accept it and not mention it again, or leave you if its so important its a deal breaker.

HadaVerde · 12/12/2021 11:35

@BarefootHippieChick

Same here actually hadaverde I honestly think my dh loves it more than I do 😂
Same lol 😄
5128gap · 12/12/2021 11:44

@CheeseMmmm

Really interesting that reversing the situation.

Which is vv relevant.

No one said yep.

IE
Can I get oral?
Find privacy, knickers off, he does the do, DD she comes, knickers on, over.

And if yes we do that. Whether she says that when knows he doesn't enjoy and isn't in the mood either.

Interesting.

I don't really understand the point here? Anything is fine surely, either way round, as long as both are enjoying, or at least not disliking the thing. The issue is he wants something OP doesn't like and is pestering. I personally wouldn't want something I knew my partner actively disliked as it would put me off if i thought they were uncomfortable/bored/finding it distasteful. I think fewer men than women care about that though.
BarefootHippieChick · 12/12/2021 11:45

Thanks for the heads up MurielSpriggs 😆 (No pun intended!)

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 12/12/2021 11:46

It is quite obvious that if your husband or partner enjoys giving you oral the scenario is entirely different to that of OP. That’s really not difficult to grasp, I hope.

@hereforthechat you are absolutely not in the wrong. And you’re not by any means required to have sex when you’re on your period/not feeling it, even if that is for 10 days at a time. Sex is not the only way to have intimacy between the two of you (although I quite understand if you never want to be intimate with that sort of man). And I say that as someone with a high sex drive who sometimes wants more of it than my DH does.

The idea that a woman should be willing to ‘compromise’ and perform any sex act that a man might want or she should just stay single is utterly ridiculous, not to mention quite abhorrent when you break it down. How about the pestering, disrespectful and coercive man stays single so he can have all the sex with all the apparently willing women!

dayouttobangor · 12/12/2021 12:08

No is a complete sentence.