Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:32

@JaniieJones

'He can actually sort himself out to have an orgasm and does not need her to service him by doing something she hates doing'

Yeah great idea. A partner masturbating in the next cos someone won't be intimate is a great recipe for a healthy relationship 🙄

Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it. Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires.

FGS!!

There is more to intimate relationships than BJs.

You don't have to like every single sex act before you're allowed to be in a relationship.

Do you like all of them? Or are you just lucky that you and your partner are completely on the same page?

Newsflash Not everyone enjoys giving and/or receiving oral sex. And that applies to men too.

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 18:33

'Astounding that some posters can't see why people might not like giving blowjobs'

Not astounded that she doesn't like oral sex more astounded she is married to someone who does and she doesn’t. Why do people settle down with folk when there is such a mismatch of sexual expectations?!

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:36

@JaniieJones

'Astounding that some posters can't see why people might not like giving blowjobs'

Not astounded that she doesn't like oral sex more astounded she is married to someone who does and she doesn’t. Why do people settle down with folk when there is such a mismatch of sexual expectations?!

Because it's one thing out of many 'things'.

Maybe people enjoy other things and love someone enough they can give up that 'one thing'

Although the OP has pointed out that until not that long ago he wasn't that bothered about what she liked anyway. So in this case, fair point

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 19:17

My ex referred to it as 'blow job week' I used to laugh at it but it became apparent he genuinely meant it.
Reading this thread it seems he wasn't the weirdo I thought he was as alot of women think it as well.

He's got two hands and I'm sure he could get a jar of vaseline if he wanted a special wank, he's not owed an empty ball sack

Suzi888 · 11/12/2021 19:18

Don’t ask, don’t get. But what’s in it for you?Hmm
He is being totally unreasonable sulking though!

lilmishap · 11/12/2021 19:18

@JaniieJones

'Astounding that some posters can't see why people might not like giving blowjobs'

Not astounded that she doesn't like oral sex more astounded she is married to someone who does and she doesn’t. Why do people settle down with folk when there is such a mismatch of sexual expectations?!

The op says that the early days were all about him so I'm guessing she was more willing to do it before he turned her off him by being a nob about it.
Deadringer · 11/12/2021 19:45

He is repeatedly asking for op to perform a sex act that she doesn't like. He knows she doesn't like it, he knows she will say no, yet he keeps asking, and he sulks when she says no. He is an arse.

grossnessewwww · 11/12/2021 19:51

Eeewww sperm in mouth. Ick.

JingleJingleAllTheWay · 11/12/2021 19:55

He should respect your feelings. You have every right to say no. My husband never sulks when I say no.

Decimator · 11/12/2021 20:09

I don’t think your reaction was particularly pleasant either. A flat “no” is your choice, but to say “to be clear, that is not happening” is quite a cold-hearted response, and then to turn all your attention to your child for so long is just rubbing his nose in it. No intimacy for 10 days because of a period. Maybe you shouldn’t be surprised if he looks elsewhere.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 20:17

Sorry I've gone quiet hard to keep up! Thanks again for the responses. It's been interesting!

OP posts:
Deadringer · 11/12/2021 20:23

Yes fancy giving attention to your child at their bedtime instead of dropping everything and servicing your poor husband. His balls might fall off if he doesn't get a blow job when he wants one. Also op, having long periods is very inconvenient for your poor husband. No matter how much fun bleeding from your vagina for such a long time is for you, you should stop fannying about for 10 days every month, in fact just get your inconvenient uterus out post haste in case your poor husband needs more sex as well as frequent blow jobs, he might start looking elsewhere otherwise. Ffs

LizzieSiddal · 11/12/2021 20:24

Hear hear Deadringer.

CheeseMmmm · 11/12/2021 20:25

Had a look and none of the posters who feel OP is not being fashionable in one way or another have not answered this question.

Anyone? It's vv relevant for sure.

'Do any women on here who sympathise with the DH / they would be fine and hop to it etc.

Ever say to OH, can I get oral. And he delivers with no expectation of getting off himself? He says yep and does the do, you come, put knickers back on, that's that?

If you do you ask and he does, even though you know he isn't in the mood, doesn't actually like doing it. You aren't bothered by that, and happy to just say Can I get oral.

Everyone's relationships are different obviously. And very different. The variety of responses is huge.

I wouldn't say can I get oral to DH just like that, and he wouldn't to me.

I'm assuming it must go both ways?

CheeseMmmm · 11/12/2021 20:26

Fashionable meant to say unreasonable!

Obv.

NoraEphronsNeck · 11/12/2021 21:00

@hereforthechat

To everyone who seems to feel sorry for my husband that blow jobs are off limits. I think someone called it sad that I wouldn't give him oral? (TBC I do occasionally but it is rare)... where would you draw the line? Is it sad if your husband wants anal and you don't?... bondage?.... rough sex? Why can't my line be at oral? We all have boundaries we stick to surely? It gives me a sore jaw and I don't like it. I'm sure he can live!
💯👏
grossnessewwww · 11/12/2021 21:12

If he looks elsewhere it would be a relief. You could ditch his sorry arse.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/12/2021 21:21

Op, if you don't fancy BJs, you don't have to deny him all intimacy. When he asked, you can say you really, really don't like doing that, but hey, there is magic at the end of your fingertipsWink

Everyone knows how to stroke a cat, or fondle a dog's ears don't they? Why should husbands miss out?

Decimator · 11/12/2021 21:31

The BJ gambit declined is obviously causing some tension (if not friction 🤭). You could probably do with a clear-the-air chat. Maybe an appropriate Christmas present from lovehoney.co.uk (men’s section) will allow him to resolve the matter in hand?!

ClaudiaJ1 · 11/12/2021 21:49

@JaniieJones

'Astounding that some posters can't see why people might not like giving blowjobs'

Not astounded that she doesn't like oral sex more astounded she is married to someone who does and she doesn’t. Why do people settle down with folk when there is such a mismatch of sexual expectations?!

Really? So you think the OP shouldn't have married her husband just because she..... doesn't like to give BJs? Are you really this shallow?
TurquoiseBaubles · 11/12/2021 22:11

@SpaceshiptoMars

Op, if you don't fancy BJs, you don't have to deny him all intimacy. When he asked, you can say you really, really don't like doing that, but hey, there is magic at the end of your fingertipsWink

Everyone knows how to stroke a cat, or fondle a dog's ears don't they? Why should husbands miss out?

Jesus Fucking Christ Shock
DayzeeDaresYou · 11/12/2021 22:12

Unless evolution changes my tonsils into a clit I won’t be bothering.

Sore jaw, sore neck and gagging….no thanks. It’s boring.

Lovenahla · 11/12/2021 22:18

Ex use to do this it’s rude. During sex or lead up to sex fine

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/12/2021 22:27

During sex or lead up to sex fine

See that’s what I think. Oral sex as part of “let’s see where the mood takes us” sex, that both people are up for, all well and good. Just asking for oral sex from “cold”, in a transactional way as others have said, is nothing the same at all.

I also find it disturbing that he’d want a sexual act that he’d sulked to get, and that you clearly weren’t enjoying.

Hertsgirl10 · 11/12/2021 22:45

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I am by no means a “cool wife” but I would prefer my husband ask me so we can be intimate together than for him to sneak off to the bathroom and wank alone. It’s nice to just pleasure each other sometimes. It’s also a bit sad you don’t do BJs! I would be very upset if my husband didn’t want to do oral sex/I had to spend my life without it 😳

The repeated asking and sulking is off putting, yes.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Totally agree and really shocked at how many women don’t like giving blowies, or seem to have any sense of humour when it comes to anything to do with sex.
Someone’s advised to pack his bags ..
No means no of course and sulking no way I would put up with that.

So many people are not sexually suited then affairs happen and everyone’s up in arms at how awful the cheater is. Not that OP should do anything she doesn’t want to but surely these these are spoken about before marriage.