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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Derbee · 11/12/2021 15:52

@grossnessewwww

Eww - pee comes out of that thing. Why'd you want it in your mouth. Sh*t is also in that area. Gross!
How old are you?
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 15:56

@JaniieJones

'He should not be ‘asking’ her to do something he knows she doesn’t like doing and doesn’t want to do. That is no longer a request. It’s a demand, and is entitled'

Nope, asking does not become an entitled demand just cos you say so. He asked, she said no, he sulked. The end.

Asking is ok when you’re in the beginning stages of a relationship and you might not know yet which sexual acts your gf/wife/partner/whatever likes or doesn’t like.

It is not okay past that point. He is well aware that she doesn’t like sucking his penis. Having his penis sucked is not an inalienable right. She doesn’t ever have to suck his penis. She is not a penis-sucking appliance. She has told him that she doesn’t like doing that and he should respect that. Any decent man would.

repottingthescabious · 11/12/2021 16:14

@hereforthechat

Do you think that you are compatible? Are you worried he may go elsewhere? Is it the sulking mainly?

Lou98 · 11/12/2021 16:25

As others have said, I don't think he's wrong to ask - but the second you say no/aren't interested he should accept that without sulking etc.

Fwiw, I give my DP blowjobs often but I enjoy doing it and he never expects it - if he did I would stop doing it. I don't feel "like a hooker" though, we do it the same as we would sex, usually with a cuddle after then to sleep.

Some people don't like giving oral - there's nothing wrong with that, it should never be expected and you should be able to say no without having to justify yourself.

Also laughing at the people saying 10 days is too long - if you can't go 10 days without sex for whatever reason there's something wrong

LowlandLucky · 11/12/2021 16:33

Why does he ask when he knows you dislike them ? He is acting like a brat

BarefootHippieChick · 11/12/2021 16:44

@grossnessewwww

Eww - pee comes out of that thing. Why'd you want it in your mouth. Sh*t is also in that area. Gross!

I assume no ones tongue has ever been in your nether regions either?

ClaudiaJ1 · 11/12/2021 16:47

@JaniieJones

'He can actually sort himself out to have an orgasm and does not need her to service him by doing something she hates doing'

Yeah great idea. A partner masturbating in the next cos someone won't be intimate is a great recipe for a healthy relationship 🙄

Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it. Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires.

@JaniieJones Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it.

Ummmm because not all of us enjoy having a penis in our mouths? Not everyone likes sucking on a penis, ok? Is that ok with you?

WTF is wrong with people on this site. Hmm

ClaudiaJ1 · 11/12/2021 16:49

@shamalidacdak What do you mean? Ten days is normal

Not it's not! 10 days is extremely abnormal! 3-5 days is the average.

repottingthescabious · 11/12/2021 16:53

Progesterone only pill is wonderful for reducing flowvolume and duration.

Notonthenewrug · 11/12/2021 17:06

At the end of the day, if you don't want to do it then you don't. It's your choice and he had to accept it. I like giving BJ's and have nomidsue doing it anywhere (provided no kids around).

Notonthenewrug · 11/12/2021 17:06

*have no issue

oakleaffy · 11/12/2021 17:15

@hereforthechat
At least he asked you, his wife- Personally I don’t think being asked is bad, if you don’t like them, which is your right, explain to him that you don’t enjoy them- and it’s not personal to him.
Maybe he felt you don’t fancy him?
Communication is the key, maybe there is an alternative thing you both like?

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 17:28

@hygtt

Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ.

I don't get this bit as if he didn't ask I presume it wouldn't happen as you don't like them?

And presumably he knows this.

So why ask?

TurquoiseBaubles · 11/12/2021 17:35

For those who think there's a "compromise between" having when asked, and refusing sex when asked, what is that compromise?

I understand that Person 1 who is asking could just stop as one compromise. Does that mean that Person 2 who doesn't want to have sex should just have it?

I cannot understand how anyone could think that a happy relationship could be based on any person, ever, having sex they don't want Hmm. Though I see this dished out as advice on an every more depressing basis these days.

bellmyring · 11/12/2021 17:46

In the early stages of a serious relationship, I'd expect partners to be sharing their likes and dislikes with respect to sex (and other things). Of course there will be a lot of variety, but these discussions are critical to see if you are compatible. I'd also think it is important, especially for us, to outline boundaries, and just as importantly state/ask for things we like.

My first serious longer partner was adventurous, I'm not. He wanted me to do things I was not comfortable with and I made it clear those things were not for me (filming, some dress up stuff, role play). Even though we had lots in common, and splitting up was difficult, it was the right thing.

With DH we explored lots of things together. I know what he likes, and we're mostly on the same page. I don't enjoy giving BJs, but its OK, and I know he really likes it. I can only finish with one particular way, and DH always does his part :)

Anomelettefortheroad · 11/12/2021 18:08

Astounding that some posters can't see why people might not like giving blowjobs. Having someone's penis in your mouth isn't exactly the stuff dreams are made of. If you like doing it, fine. Crack on. But my first (ex)boyfriend was unhygienic enough to put me off BJs for life.Envy My dh and i have a great sex life without oral. It's not compulsory.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:13

@RainbowDrops91

Me and my partner discussed this stuff and agreed we'd rather ask each other for things rather than sneaking off to watch porn when he thinks you can't hear (unless you're happy for him to freely watch it) or feeling unsatisfied. Though I agree, he shouldn't have asked whilst your child's around. Everyone's different but I see no problem in him asking, it's healthy to be more open rather than stay quiet and never ask at all.
But if you ask for something you know the other isn't keen on/actually dislikes in the manner the OP was asked, it's an entirely different matter.
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:15

[quote oakleaffy]@hereforthechat
At least he asked you, his wife- Personally I don’t think being asked is bad, if you don’t like them, which is your right, explain to him that you don’t enjoy them- and it’s not personal to him.
Maybe he felt you don’t fancy him?
Communication is the key, maybe there is an alternative thing you both like?[/quote]
As she's his wife and they have children, presumably they've been together a while?

I don't think this is new information...

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:19

@nitsandwormsdodger

Why is it teenage to ask or get a blow job ? Why don’t you do it ? Of course you don’t have to but I see it as standard thing If it’s trauma get therapy and 10 day period may your hormones are affecting your feelings
You do realise that not everyone thinks 'it's a standard thing'?

The OP doesn't like it. And believe it or not, that's not that unusual.

gojoroyco · 11/12/2021 18:23

@BoudecaBains

I enjoy giving my man a surprise in the morning , or any time of the day , so it wouldn’t worry me but I guess if you feel inhibited in that respect then he’ll have to grab some “me time”.
EnvyEnvyEnvy
shabbadababa · 11/12/2021 18:25

@hereforthechat

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

As bad as it sounds. A friend been through this.. and was cheated on by a couple of boyfriends due to them getting bored and not enjoying the sea life anymore.
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2021 18:25

@MrsLarry

The OP posted wanting outrage. Wanting every woman to agree with her. Not everyone does, and so the bitters who do agree with her go on the attack. Standard mumsnet 😂
Did she want outrage? Why do you think that?

And why do you think those that agree with her (and/or disagree with you) are 'bitters'?

oviraptor21 · 11/12/2021 18:26

Not RTFT but could there be a middle ground? Would you be happy to give him a hand job instead?

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 18:28

@shabbadababa she was cheated on because the men in question were dicks. HTH.

shabbadababa · 11/12/2021 18:31

[quote HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule]@shabbadababa she was cheated on because the men in question were dicks. HTH.[/quote]
Your absolutely right. I was just saying they all said they got bored and sex wasn't " good enough men expect too much. If this guys sex drive is this high unfortunately I agree with another poster about the affair situation in the future.. not her fault at all.