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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
SueSaid · 11/12/2021 14:14

'Your line of reasoning is so obtuse that it’s not even really worth responding to it, tbh.'

Who me? I'm pointing out if you're in a relationship sex or sexual acts are actually not only very normal but good! So many comments on here 'how very dare he want a sexual relationship and ask for it!'.

Think there's a lot of enabling and projecting going on. Either be single or have a relationship but you shouldn't be in a realtionship and be surprised or apparently repulsed by the other one wanting sexual contact (unless ill or abuse is involved, I'm talking about normal relationships). But yes, they can always wank privately. Great!

Cheshirewife · 11/12/2021 14:19

@MrsMadderRose

I suppose the dividing line on this thread is between thinking that being in a relationship means you should always feel like and be available for sex, and thinking that it’s ok to not feel like it.

Of course if there’s a big mismatch in libido then you maybe need to reconsider being together, but that’s not the same as being required to perform however you’re feeling.

Isn’t it slightly more nuanced? There is a massive middle ground between (i) I must give my partner sex whenever he wants it; and (ii) I shouldn’t give my partner any sexual intimacy if I don’t feel like it.

Relationships are about compromise. Sometimes it’s fine to say no. But sometimes it is reasonable to compromise and offer something to please someone else.

Crazycrazylady · 11/12/2021 14:21

Sulking is horrendously unattractive in any adult , he wasn't being unreasonable to ask though but he just have accepted your response with our the silks
However I wonder about your sex life generally, your tone seems to have a general tone of disapproval around sex in general , maybe this is part of a wider issue between you both about sex in general .

Stravaig · 11/12/2021 14:26

What on earth was he expecting you to say, especially as he knows you don't like oral?!

'Of course darling, I'll just drop to my knees and service you between doing the dishes and putting the little one to bed. I charge £££ to role-play a sex-worker for my supposed husband.'

MrsMadderRose · 11/12/2021 14:27

I agree it should be more nuanced, but where’s his sense of nuance? She feels like shit and he decides to ask, fair enough, but then gets a mood on when she says no. His appreciation of how she feels = zero.

CheeseMmmm · 11/12/2021 14:32

Do any women on here who sympathise with the DH / they would be fine and hop to it etc.

Ever say to OH, can I get oral. And he delivers with no expectation of getting off himself? He says yep and does the do, you come, put knickers back on, that's that?

If you do you ask and he does, even though you know he isn't in the mood, doesn't actually like doing it. You aren't bothered by that, and happy to just say Can I get oral.

Everyone's relationships are different obviously. And very different. I just realised I haven't seen this asked before and it's pretty relevant!

HadaVerde · 11/12/2021 14:35

Ten days of a heavy period isn’t normal.

There are treatments other than the contraceptive pill. I get Naproxen and it really helps.

The husband is not wrong for wanting or asking for oral sex. As long as he respects the ‘no’ response.

I think a lot of people are sexually mismatched in relationships and it doesn’t make either the ‘bad guy’.

I couldn’t be in a long term relationship with someone who didn’t enjoy and wouldn’t give me oral sex. But that’s just me.

Nidan2Sandan · 11/12/2021 14:52

OP, my period last 10 days and occasionally as long as 2 weeks. Has a sneaky habit of tricking me into thinking its stopped. It's been checked out, I'm told I'm just "unlucky"

I'd tell DH to fuck off if he asked me for a BJ like that. I'm a human, not a sex doll there for his service.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/12/2021 14:52

A woman being told to seek therapy because she doesn't want to give her husband a blowjob...

I'll pull this card because it always comes out on threads about men, whenever a woman posts that her partner doesn't want to give her oral sex she gets told that he's allowed to not like certain things, "hisbodyhischoice", and that she's unreasonable. A woman posts that she doesn't want to give her partner oral and she's told to see a doctor, see a therapist, change her mindset. Very illuminating.

QueenCoconut · 11/12/2021 14:56

@Levithian

I can understand how it's annoying but I wonder, do you not do anything sexual at all during those ten days? In LTRs, I equate sex acts to intimacy- it's one of the ways in which I express and receive love and admiration. I never get sulky if DP isn't in the mood, but I have to admit that I don't feel quite as connected if it's been a while. I'm told that this kind of thought process is more common in males (I'm female) so maybe your DH feels this way too. The sulking part is crap, of course, but I wonder if it's sulking because he won't be getting a BJ, or upset because you've made him feel bad for wanting some intimacy.
Agree with this. I’ve only felt this way since being with my DH though. With my ex I avoided sex and intimacy like a plague.
FrancescaContini · 11/12/2021 14:56

@GatoradeMeBitch

A woman being told to seek therapy because she doesn't want to give her husband a blowjob...

I'll pull this card because it always comes out on threads about men, whenever a woman posts that her partner doesn't want to give her oral sex she gets told that he's allowed to not like certain things, "hisbodyhischoice", and that she's unreasonable. A woman posts that she doesn't want to give her partner oral and she's told to see a doctor, see a therapist, change her mindset. Very illuminating.

Agree. Also that she needs to sort out her menstrual cycle because God forbid her “D”H has to go without sex for ten days Hmm
hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 15:01

A partner masturbating in the next cos someone won't be intimate is a great recipe for a healthy relationship
I agree! Much healthier for him to give himself an orgasm rather than nag the OP into something she doesn’t enjoy, when she isn’t feeling great. That way everyone’s happy, and happiness tends to beget sex and intimacy, in my experience.

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 15:09

'However I wonder about your sex life generally, your tone seems to have a general tone of disapproval around sex in general , maybe this is part of a wider issue between you both about sex in general'

Yes you do wonder, and also those on here clutching their pearls at his outrageous request too (sulking isn't good but as long as a 'no' is respected surely that is the main thing).

CaputApriDefero · 11/12/2021 15:10

I honestly do enjoy oral sex, except the "classic" big finish of a blow job- it's gross and I don't want to swallow semen, it makes me heave. But being asked to suck someone's penis randomly has never made me think "ok, that sounds great." Because it doesn't. It's singularly beneficial and I am not a hired sex worker.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 15:13

Oh just stop it with the pearl clutching claptrap.

I have no problems with blowjobs. I give plenty of them myself.

It isn’t an outrageous request in and of itself, within a context where both people enjoy giving/receiving them. It absolutely is an outrageous and entitled demand in this case.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 15:14

@JaniieJones

'However I wonder about your sex life generally, your tone seems to have a general tone of disapproval around sex in general , maybe this is part of a wider issue between you both about sex in general'

Yes you do wonder, and also those on here clutching their pearls at his outrageous request too (sulking isn't good but as long as a 'no' is respected surely that is the main thing).

Her very clear no is not respected by this man.
grossnessewwww · 11/12/2021 15:14

Eww - pee comes out of that thing. Why'd you want it in your mouth. Sh*t is also in that area. Gross!

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 15:21

Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it. Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?!
She says they have regular sex. She doesn’t enjoy one particular sex act. It’s not that difficult to understand that different individuals have different sexual likes and dislikes, is it? I don’t enjoy anal but that doesn’t mean everything else is off the table and I shouldn’t have a partner. Saying “yes” to one type of sex isn’t an open invitation to all other acts at all other times.

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 15:23

'It isn’t an outrageous request in and of itself, within a context where both people enjoy giving/receiving them. It absolutely is an outrageous and entitled demand in this case.'

Exactly, not an outrageous request itself. He made a few comments (read the op), she said no he went off for a wank. I missed the 'entitled demand' bit..

Camembear · 11/12/2021 15:26

The sulking and pestering is the actual problem because it’s manipulation

If your partner doesn’t like something then respect their wishes, how hard is that.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 15:28

@JaniieJones

'It isn’t an outrageous request in and of itself, within a context where both people enjoy giving/receiving them. It absolutely is an outrageous and entitled demand in this case.'

Exactly, not an outrageous request itself. He made a few comments (read the op), she said no he went off for a wank. I missed the 'entitled demand' bit..

He should not be ‘asking’ her to do something he knows she doesn’t like doing and doesn’t want to do. That is no longer a request. It’s a demand, and is entitled, disrespectful behaviour that doesn’t consider her boundaries worthy of his respect.

This is not difficult to understand.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 15:39

@LostForIdeas err did you not read the OPs reply which I quoted? He did not demand it there & then.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 15:42

Anybody who thinks not having sex for ten days is some terrible ordeal of suffering needs a reality check.

If a relationship is at risk of collapse for the sake of ten days then there are bigger problems.

I said I would struggle without sexual intimacy for 10 days as a regular thing not as a one off. But obviously that's my own preference.

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 15:44

'He should not be ‘asking’ her to do something he knows she doesn’t like doing and doesn’t want to do. That is no longer a request. It’s a demand, and is entitled'

Nope, asking does not become an entitled demand just cos you say so. He asked, she said no, he sulked. The end.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 15:49

He asked, she said no, he sulked. The end.

From the OP, italics mine: “Last night he did it [asked, joked-but-not-joked] and just kept doing it”.

It’s not quite the same as your neat ask/answer/the end scenario is it? And if you read the OP’s follow-up posts, you’ll see she herself says their sexual relationship is one characterised by her husband’s sense of entitlement and that he often behaves this way, not happy until he knows sex WILL happen. So it’s not other posters calling it an entitled demand: it’s the OP. At least listen to her.