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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
TheShoeFits · 11/12/2021 13:28

A sulking complaining partner is a huge turn off, it would drive me mad!

Aside from that awful trait in your DH, it's also possible that you are basically not sexually compatible, you might want different things, have different limits, and that's perfectly fine (but the type of thing you'd hope people sort out before marriage).

Giving a BJ is not something I really enjoy, it's meh for me. However, I know DH loves it, and I'm happy to do it to please him. I'll also take the initiative, so he does not feel bad about asking.

It's swing and rounadabouts. He likewise does things for me

TheShoeFits · 11/12/2021 13:29

.. in bed I mean, that would not be top of his preferred list, but things I like.

Outlyingtrout · 11/12/2021 13:33

maybe the op's dh is just a normal human being who gets disappointed what with the 10 day rule etc?

10 day rule? She suffers with extremely long periods that she says make her feel like she doesn't want to do anything sexual (I would imagine it also makes her feel shit in other ways). She has sought medical attention for her periods in the past and been brushed off. She is going to try again to get medical help. She's hardly just implemented an arbitrary "no sex for 10 days per month" rule with the express intention to punish her poor husband 🙄 Can't imagine my husband feeling anything other that really sorry for me and concerned that I was suffering like that every month. I can't imagine my husband asking for sexual favours from me when he knows I'm not in the mood for any reason, period issues or not.

babouchette · 11/12/2021 13:33

Ugh. He needs to look into a wonderful thing called "having a wank". It's a great alternative to pressuring your partner to reluctantly perform a sex act on you.

cushioncovers · 11/12/2021 13:37

I'd speak to your gp about the mirena coil op.

Your dp isn't bu asking but is bu for sulking.

TerraNovaTwo · 11/12/2021 13:39

A sulking complaining partner is a huge turn off, it would drive me mad!

Me too. And another reason why I'm divorced and single.

ftw163532 · 11/12/2021 13:39

I think some posters have lost perspective. There are some completely ridiculous comments on this thread.

Ten days. Ten. Days. Not years, days. That is hardly any time at all.

Anybody who thinks not having sex for ten days is some terrible ordeal of suffering needs a reality check.

If a relationship is at risk of collapse for the sake of ten days then there are bigger problems.

LostForIdeas · 11/12/2021 13:43

@hotmeatymilk

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. So if you don’t want penis-in-vagina sex you have to be conciliatory about other sex acts to compensate for your “no”? Perhaps go back to Consent 101.
THAT with bells on.
LostForIdeas · 11/12/2021 13:44

@hygtt

So women are “bitter” because they don’t enjoy providing a sexual service on demand?

He didn't demand it there & then tbf

Well yes he did actually.
CalamariGames · 11/12/2021 13:47

If he's desperate I hear there's a BJ in Downing Street that they are looking to off-load.

Catcrazy83 · 11/12/2021 13:49

I can’t think of anything less sexy than a sulky adult tbh.
Personally I don’t mind bj, a little indifferent. But when I’m on my period I mostly feel tired, bloated and sex is the furthest thing from my mind. So all sex is off the table. End of. I’d feel pretty cheap and used if I was asked for one sided sexual favours when I’m on my period, I get the hooker comparison, sex is supposed to be mutual as far as I’m concerned.
If op doesn’t like bj, op doesn’t do it. Simple. I can’t stand how some posters have tried to make the op feel her needs are less important than her dh. Fucking awful.

Cheshirewife · 11/12/2021 13:51

I think OP’s DH has every right to ask and probably some right to be annoyed if OP isn’t concerned about his desires/needs. While I don’t think OP “owes” him a BJ, it’s a bit selfish not to do something if that’s what would make him happy (just as it would be selfish of him not to consider her wishes/needs).

For what it’s worth, I’d also say the same if it was the other way around and the DH refusing sex.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 13:53

No. He doesn’t have a right to ask - He knows she doesn’t like giving them. He had a right to ask, back in the day when he first asked. He can actually sort himself out to have an orgasm and does not need her to service him by doing something she hates doing. It is not intimacy if it’s an act she dislikes, and he is being selfish by even mentioning it.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2021 13:54

I don't know about internalised misogyny.

A lot of these posters have externalised misogyny.

TurnUpTurnip · 11/12/2021 13:59

Wow these comments, fwiw it was my ex who didn’t like having sex whilst on my period, believe it or not some men feel turned off by it, so it might not be the op not wanting to do it in 10 days, its 10 days I wouldn’t even class that as a long time! I don’t particularly like BJs I don’t them boring and they do nothing for me but I’ve met plenty of men who didn’t do oral either.

MrsMadderRose · 11/12/2021 14:02

Urgh reason 3,427 why I’m glad I don’t have a husband.

Sorry maybe that’s not helpful - or maybe it is. I’m starting to think it’s the ultimate in happiness. Not that there aren’t nice, respectful men who don’t see women as service modules - there are - but there aren’t many, even among the men who think they are all feminist and lovely, and the chance of me finding one is tiny, and as it is I don’t have to deal with any of this sulking, moping or whining and I don’t have to do bjs :o of course I realise no one has to but I mean there’s no pressure. If I feel tired or hormonal it’s cuddly blankets and pjs not bjs to my hearts delight.

(Always hated bjs with ex as he was too big and also it was a bit smelly even when supposedly washed 🤮 sorry tmi.)

unim · 11/12/2021 14:03

Your period lasts ten days?! I'd see the GP.

Nothing wrong with him asking - nothing wrong with your saying no either!

DayzeeDaresYou · 11/12/2021 14:06

A few points…

You don’t like it so you shouldn’t do it.
He’s asking for it when he’s fully aware you don’t like it.
He’s sulking when he’s told what he already knows.

You own your body, it’s yours and you’re in charge of it. Never allow yourself to be used by anyone.

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 14:06

'He can actually sort himself out to have an orgasm and does not need her to service him by doing something she hates doing'

Yeah great idea. A partner masturbating in the next cos someone won't be intimate is a great recipe for a healthy relationship 🙄

Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it. Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 14:08

Your line of reasoning is so obtuse that it’s not even really worth responding to it, tbh.

immersivereader · 11/12/2021 14:09

So unappealing! Like a petulant child asking for a sweet

Urgj

Cheshirewife · 11/12/2021 14:10

@JaniieJones

'He can actually sort himself out to have an orgasm and does not need her to service him by doing something she hates doing'

Yeah great idea. A partner masturbating in the next cos someone won't be intimate is a great recipe for a healthy relationship 🙄

Why does she hate doing it though, I don't get it. Why bother having a partner if you don't enjoy intimate relationships?! Just be single and watch telly every night undisturbed by all these annoying men daring to have sexual desires.

I do get the impression that an awful lot of posters on this thread would be happier single.

If they’re not willing to consider what their partner wants (as well as what they want), or compromise, that’s probably the best solution!

MrsMadderRose · 11/12/2021 14:11

And people who feel ill and exhausted making themselves do sexual stuff when they don’t feel like it = a great relationship? How many men would do something they don’t want to do when they feel unwell? (Or even at all…)

shamalidacdak · 11/12/2021 14:12

@HollowTalk

Why does your period last 10 days? Have you seen a doctor about that?
What do you mean? Ten days is normal
MrsMadderRose · 11/12/2021 14:14

I suppose the dividing line on this thread is between thinking that being in a relationship means you should always feel like and be available for sex, and thinking that it’s ok to not feel like it.

Of course if there’s a big mismatch in libido then you maybe need to reconsider being together, but that’s not the same as being required to perform however you’re feeling.

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