Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

@MrsLarry

The OP posted wanting outrage. Wanting every woman to agree with her. Not everyone does, and so the bitters who do agree with her go on the attack. Standard mumsnet 😂

Wow 😮

So women are “bitter” because they don’t enjoy providing a sexual service on demand?

Nice to see internalised misogyny out in force today

If you flip this round, a woman asking her male partner for oral??? It's a normal thing to do. For both m or f to simply request or desire.

But to beg for it/throw hints/use it in argument, and on a frequent basis, when the other party just does not want to or feel like it, could be viewed as anything from sexual incompatibility to sexual coercion or harassment. It's on a continuum.

Nice to see internalised misogyny out in force today hmm

Agreed, except I wouldn't assume a poster called Mrs + Male Name posting sexist bilge was a woman.

Why the fck can't a woman make her own choices without being accused of trying to be "cool"?*
Why the fuck can’t the OP make her own choice to not enjoy blow jobs without getting a “but I love them, you’re missing out, be more like meeee, it’s sad/weird/reflective of your marriage/your poor DH” pile-on? It’s a mystery.

@hotmeatymilk I got lost in the thread it seems!

Asking is fine, sulking is not.

Wow, women with boundaries are now "bitters" and "Aunt Lydias".

Asking is not fine when he already knows it's something she doesn't like (AND he knows she's not in the mood for anything at all because of her period).

I like how BJ is now Boris Johnson. Apt.

'In LTRs, I equate sex acts to intimacy- it's one of the ways in which I express and receive love and admiration. I never get sulky if DP isn't in the mood, but I have to admit that I don't feel quite as connected if it's been a while. I'm told that this kind of thought process is more common in males (I'm female) so maybe your DH feels this way too'

This!

Asking is odd and a bit pathetic in this kind of no sex situation. Maybe try a bit of spontaneity though and he won't have to.

Don't think I would ever give one if someone asked 😅 it's not the same if someone asks really

So women are “bitter” because they don’t enjoy providing a sexual service on demand?

He didn't demand it there & then tbf

If you flip this round, a woman asking her male partner for oral??? It's a normal thing to do. For both m or f to simply request or desire.

I would be interested to know how many women ask out of the blue a tired or unwell partner for oral knowing and seeing that their partner looks/feels tired, not in the mood, just sat down on the sofa after a long day at work or sorting out the kids etc. Totally different asking if there is some foreplay going on or a certain flirty/sexy mood in the air.

'I'm not a McDonald's drive-thru' is a great response @Fairylights25

Nice to see internalised misogyny out in force today hmm

On the one hand mumsnet has the wonderful Feminist board and on the other hand there are the comments on this thread. It's so fucking depressing.

'On the one hand mumsnet has the wonderful Feminist board and on the other hand there are the comments on this thread. It's so fucking depressing.'

What is 'fucking depressing' about it? Intimacy is a normal and healthy part of a good relationship. Many people will vocalise this stuff to their partners, you mustn't get so uptight about it.

Sulking about a refusal is childish but maybe the op's dh is just a normal human being who gets disappointed what with the 10 day rule etc?

@hygtt

So women are “bitter” because they don’t enjoy providing a sexual service on demand?

He didn't demand it there & then tbf

Minimising?

@JaniieJones

'On the one hand mumsnet has the wonderful Feminist board and on the other hand there are the comments on this thread. It's so fucking depressing.'

What is 'fucking depressing' about it? Intimacy is a normal and healthy part of a good relationship. Many people will vocalise this stuff to their partners, you mustn't get so uptight about it.

Sulking about a refusal is childish but maybe the op's dh is just a normal human being who gets disappointed what with the 10 day rule etc?

10 day “rule”??

She has her period for ten days, FGS.

Agree - many depressing comments here.

I think it highlights the difference in male and female sex drive. If I propositioned my husband any time of day or night he would almost certainly be up for it but with me it doesn’t work the same way (hormonal cycles being one reason).

Just to add, I do think it’s important to have open and honest conversations about sexual compatibility. Clearly you shouldn’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.

But if your cycles are relatively standard, your period lasts 10 days, and you don’t/won’t have sex on those days, it means about 1/3 of the time there’s no sex ever. It’s ok for your partner to feel he’d like more sex. I’m female, and I wouldn’t be happy with 1/3 of the time sex being totally off the cards. I wouldn’t sulk or moan, but it’s important that both partner’s sexual needs and expectations are respectfully discussed.

I'm with you OP, he's being a knob. For me sex and intimacy are mutual.im quite happy to give blow jobs but would expect reciprocal contact. If he comes, I come basically. If either party is ill or not in the mood, it ain't happening. My male partner is fine with that. Cos he's not a knob.

Intimacy is a normal and healthy part of a good relationship.
Intimacy means more than BJs on demand, though?

[quote hygtt]@OnPaper I think I'm quite lucky that I grew up with a good father & lots of women with high expectations, so it's not something i've had to lean if that makes sense. Are you happy overall? [/quote]
I often wonder how different I would be as a person if my childhood had taken a different turn.

Am I happy overall? I will say I used to be more happy a few years ago than I am now, but I can't blame my H for that.

@FrancescaContini just trying to stick to the facts

"He means later once the kids are in bed"

He didn't do in front of the kids either

"Away playing with his sister, not in the room"

You can think the DH is wrong to pester & sulk whilst also sticking to the facts.

OP, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. Just because some people enjoy it, doesn't mean that everyone does or that there is anything wrong with them if they don't.

Nothing in sex is an entitlement, everything should be what you are both comfortable with.

No one has a right to sex either. His dick won't drop off if he doesn't get any for a few days.