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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ground my dd indefinitely and take her phone

156 replies

Autumnbe · 10/12/2021 09:40

Long and short of it went through my dd12 phone last night and saw photos on her phone (saved not active message) of a boy with his top off, next saved photo was her posing in her bikini with her face scrubbed out. Upon questioning her it transpires that she did infact send him this picture. She doesn’t know him well and has not been in contact since.

We are a very open family, sit down to dinner every night, discuss the day, very close. I feel like I don’t know her at the moment. I also feel very guilty for not being aware that she potentially would do this.

I’m worried if I don’t punish her now, her behaviour will spiral.

She also has pornhub in her search history, which she said was a joke with her friend. Her friends are also into vapping. She is adamant that she hasn’t tried it but what do I do?

OP posts:
microbius · 13/09/2022 14:21

I don't know, OP, I think you need to read some books on parenting teenagers. I think you have an expectation of her acting in a grown-up way. The thing is, teenagers do really stupid things and it is very painful for the parents to feel so powerless. I echo a poster up the thread, that this is part of the parenting experience. Your mention upthread that you are SAHM and that you are always around reinforce this feeling - that you expect YOUR children to avoid the pitfalls of other teenagers, whose parents are working and not around. She is interested in sex, 13-14 is not so unusual age for this. She must have exchanged videos with a boy, who could be minor too. Yes, not ideal, in fact, dangerous, but if all her friends are inhabiting Instagram culture, visual display of everything, she is just being part of contemporary society. I feel for you, I really do. It is horrifying. The thing is, you (and other parents) will feel many times like this, as your children are growing up. They do stupid things, they don't listen and you are left anxious, worried, distressed. My DS is now 17, this feeling has not yet subsided.

NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 14:28

She's clearly not mature enough. That photo will be halfway around school by now. If there's anything sexual about it, she might get the police knocking on. If she doesn't seem to be worried, explain the above. A sharp shock may be what's needed.

But yes. No phone. No shitty vaping friends with their crap parents.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:30

I’ve said this to her and her response is “he’s not that kind of boy” her maturity has been massively over estimated and I am to blame for that.

i
do agree I need to read some books as at the moment I have no idea what to do

OP posts:
microbius · 13/09/2022 14:34

OP, '"her maturity has been massively over estimated and I am to blame for that." - you are not to blame for this! This is what I meant, this is part of begin a teenager / having teenagers. Others will do other stupid things, but no one goes through teenage hood easily. You seem to be just entering this phase of parenting? It is a shock.
I recommend the book Get Out of My Life but First Take Me and Alex Into Town. I am usually sceptical about self-help pseudo-psychology, but this one is really really good

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:36

Thank you will have a look at it, sounds exactly like something my dd would say.. 🥴

OP posts:
microbius · 13/09/2022 14:41

You are welcome. I am very worried about my DS at the moment on completely different grounds. There is nothing I can do. I just have to live with my worry, support him the best I can and hope for the best. Yes, you as a parent at some point become more like a radio for them. You can't get through. Or, they are really trying and failing. Oh, they show themselves to be such fools, you can't believe your bight amazing child is displaying such behaviour. I think it is really difficult to be a parent of a teenager.

The book I mentioned has advice, along the lines of, continue to provide boundaries - even if it feels that they are breaking them all the time - because it really helps teenagers. You will need to keep talking, take away the phone for a bit, talk again etc. Don't expect magic solutions, it's a long slog. By 16 they will be more sane, and by 18 hopefully completely fine. 14 is the most difficult age

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:43

I really appreciate your advice, I am open to any because you are right there is no quick fix.
hope you manage to get through the troubles with you DS. I think I prefer the sleep deprivation they give you as babies over the sleep I’m losing with teenagers

OP posts:
HouseOfGuineas · 13/09/2022 14:49

No advice OP but my DD will start Y7 next year and I’m terrified. Can only echo that you seem to have a very open relationship on lots of levels and however uncomfortable, are engaging in those difficult conversations which is really good. Would perhaps also agree you need to go down the 7 why’s as this is clearly not about your parenting and you. She’s not really answered “why”.

scarletisjustred · 13/09/2022 14:51

I would try to get her to tell me why she did it. Was she pressured in some way - not necessarily by the boy - but by friends?

I would inspect her phone daily from now on. She's shown that she can't be trusted. She is 12 years old and needs to be protected from herself.

You're not her friend, you're her mother.

Children don't tell their mothers everything and you are deluded if they think they do. She knows what she did was wrong and she still did it. She was never going to tell you about this and she won't' tell you if she does this again or worse in future.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 14:52

RainbowBriteUk · 10/12/2021 09:43

It's all part of being a teen

Shes not a teen, and no, it very much is not.

microbius · 13/09/2022 14:52

the DD in question is 13 now

RoseTree37 · 13/09/2022 14:53

You can stop it immediately by removing her phone, she will relate her actions to the loss of a privilege. I don’t know why parents are so afraid to remove the one culprit that causes so many problems, if the talking isn’t working, then removal of the phone is your only option.

microbius · 13/09/2022 14:55

I have a friend who followed her son when he was 13 to school in the morning and back in the afternoon to monitor him. From a distance, he wouldn't accept being accompanied. Everyone was unhappy. It didn't help much, but maybe did a little, eventually he grew up and now at 18 is a great young man.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:56

It’s unfortunately escalated from my first post in dec x

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 13/09/2022 14:59

I think if I saw that sort of thing on my son’s phone (I have 12 and 14 year olds) aside from talking to them as you did, I’d basically remove the phone. They could have it for going to school and back, and could request it to send messages, make arrangements etc, but it’d be in my keeping for several months. She’s making all the right noises about understanding how big a deal it is, but clearly doesn’t get it really yet.

Boreded · 13/09/2022 15:00

Being unreasonable if you ground her ‘indefinitely’ but not unreasonable to ‘punish’

i would be tempted to avoid it being a punishment and make it more of a wake up call…maybe show her stories of the bad stuff that has happened when people have sent pictures online. There is one on Netflix about a girl who was bullied to the point of suicide attempts even though her teen abusers took photos of her passed out.

maybe go down the supportive route, but also give her the scare

Talipesmum · 13/09/2022 15:02

Meant to add - good luck with it, I’m constantly relieved that none of this has been an issue yet (that I know about) for us, and it’s so challenging - teens are hard to parent - how do we know if we’re doing the right thing? Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

RoseTree37 · 13/09/2022 15:03

Talipesmum · 13/09/2022 14:59

I think if I saw that sort of thing on my son’s phone (I have 12 and 14 year olds) aside from talking to them as you did, I’d basically remove the phone. They could have it for going to school and back, and could request it to send messages, make arrangements etc, but it’d be in my keeping for several months. She’s making all the right noises about understanding how big a deal it is, but clearly doesn’t get it really yet.

Agree, so many parents are afraid to remove their children's phones when it is almost always the root cause.

Boreded · 13/09/2022 15:04

Actually, I would contact the boys parents. It could scare the shit out of him, and help you to get it to stop. Things like this will always look worse for boys (in terms of police involvement etc) even if girls are the ones who get bullied for it, and the fear of being branded a predator etc (he isn’t, he is just a child) could put him off

Johnnysgirl · 13/09/2022 15:07

RainbowBriteUk · 10/12/2021 09:43

It's all part of being a teen

Oh give over, it is not.

microbius · 13/09/2022 15:07

I don't understand this talk about phone removal. To remove for how long? For a year? At 13 she would be going to school by herself, checking train timetables and changes. You want your child to have a phone as a way of reaching them. A lot of children travel for secondary. Yes, parents can remove the phone. And? Give it back then?

Allchangeonceagain · 13/09/2022 15:07

Can you not remove her smartphone and replace it with a brick?

Allchangeonceagain · 13/09/2022 15:08

Remove it permanently I mean

Notimeforaname · 13/09/2022 15:09

You need to tell the police. See what they can do.

She also cannot be trusted with a phone with internet.

She needs a crappy old phone she can take calls on /send texts.

I wouldn't care how it made her look in front of her friends. Once a child has a smart phone they WILL see porn, 100%

Believeitornot · 13/09/2022 15:10

Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:43

I really appreciate your advice, I am open to any because you are right there is no quick fix.
hope you manage to get through the troubles with you DS. I think I prefer the sleep deprivation they give you as babies over the sleep I’m losing with teenagers

You can put restrictions on her phone (or even on the entire network) so no porn can be looked at on any device.

you can let her have a shit basic phone for texts calls only.

But try not to punish her - she’s 13, and not quite got that maturity to deal with this. Peer pressure is massive at that age.

and think about your parenting - this isn’t all on her.