To ground my dd indefinitely and take her phone

[Autumnbe]

Long and short of it went through my dd12 phone last night and saw photos on her phone (saved not active message) of a boy with his top off, next saved photo was her posing in her bikini with her face scrubbed out. Upon questioning her it transpires that she did infact send him this picture. She doesn’t know him well and has not been in contact since.

We are a very open family, sit down to dinner every night, discuss the day, very close. I feel like I don’t know her at the moment. I also feel very guilty for not being aware that she potentially would do this.

I’m worried if I don’t punish her now, her behaviour will spiral.

She also has pornhub in her search history, which she said was a joke with her friend. Her friends are also into vapping. She is adamant that she hasn’t tried it but what do I do?

@Fairylights25

Why do they need phones so young?

Because they are getting on public transport at this age, and independently move around and see friends, the phones are for safety.

Because at senior school they access teams, VLE, photograph and upload work. Because teenagers communicate via phone and if they don't have one they do get left out.

I understand you're shocked, but I agree with @Ducksurprise here. The fact she was wearing a bikini and blurred her face actually makes me think she is taking in the advice the best she currently can.

I do feel for teens nowadays. When I was OP's daughter's age there'd be plenty of teen magazines to turn to for advice, but I have no idea where teenage girls nowadays get their advice from when it comes to relationships, body confidence, etc. The internet is such an overwhelming place comparetively.

That is also to say; it's clear that you have provided her with advice on what not to do. But does she have any positive examples? Like, what should she do if a boy likes her and she possibly likes him? What are appropriate steps at their age? What does respectful communication and behaviour look like? Etc.

@Movingsoon21

I disagree with most people on here. She has proven through her actions that she can’t be trusted to act sensibly with a phone at this age, so it should absolutely be removed. I also wouldn’t be allowing her to go to any special events other than having a friend round so you know who she’s with and what she’s doing.

Indefinitely might be a bit much but at least for a few months. The “talking calmly” approach clearly hasn’t worked. At the moment she has faced zero consequences for her actions so won’t have much of an incentive not to repeat again in future.

This is so wrong. No one can “prove they can act sensibly with a phone” when just starting to navigate the use of smart phones and teen culture!! This is something you learn over time and with real life practice. That is an unrealistic bar to set. You’re setting a child up to fail if you think there will be zero mistakes and zero lessons learned. It’s also criminally stupid to remove the phone, because how else will they learn? It’s rather like expecting someone to pass the drivers license test with zero hours of actual driving behind the wheel of a car!

The “talking calmly” approach hasn’t even been used yet as OP has opted for the punish and talk approach which many of us did warn that punishment does not work. Besides I think the DD has listened as the photo she sent is perfectly appropriate and anonymised with the only mistake being she is too young to send sexy pics. When you have talks with teens it is impossible to cover ever scenario that’s why mistakes will happen and you simply help the child learn from the mistake and move on.

It's very normal to start to be curious about sexuality at her age. And unfortunately devices make it very easy to take that curiosity online. Don't think that you don't know her, she's entitled to her private thoughts and feelings and they are age-appropriate.

But she does need to be protected and she needs guidance. It's not something to punish her over, it's something to communicate about.

Is no-one concerned about your having invaded her privacy? It's like reading someone's diary.
I'm surprised she didn't clam up and refuse to co-operate.
With hindsight (yes I know, 'hindsight') it would have been better to introduce discussions, as you have already done, into everyday conversations instead of PUNISHING her for wanting to conform with her peers. And without letting her know you'd read her private thoughts.

I feel very sorry for the child.

@ExD1938 no. A 12yo being at risk from paedophiles trumps any right to privacy. Don't be a bellend.

you shouldn't punish your daughter for doing something you think is wrong

talk to her and explain why this behaviour is inappropriate, why it can cause her a lot of trouble and what can happen

but you don't punish someone for getting something wrong imo

As most people have said, I don't think punishment is the right way to deal with something like this.

Rather hone in on the natural consequences of making decisions like this. Resharing risks, legal implications and really driving home that once something is online it is virtually impossible to get rid of.

I would also show her some revenge porn documentaries of victims sharing their stories and the long term impact. Zara McDermott recently was involved in one of these programmes and really conveyed how difficult the experience was for her growing up.

With regards to porn, yes she is a bit young but teenagers are curious. As PP mentioned make sure she knows that it is an unrealistic representation and how damaging the industry is for its workers and consumers. Give her some resources to learn healthily about sex that are appropriate and safe.

Additionally I try to think about appropriate consequences and if they make sense in the same way as being an adult. If you made this mistake as an adult someone wouldn't take your phone away. It doesn't teach long term behaviour changes. Instead reinforce what could happen and why these is a bad and dangerous idea by sharing actual stories from other people.

To add. Zara McDermotts parents were also in that documentary and they speak with her about their reaction to the situation and she relays how that did not help her long term and made her feel that they were ashamed of her rather than supportive.

Just to let you know, there are apps out there that can reverse the scrubbing out of faces depending on the method used to scrub the picture.

If anyone ever wants to send those sorts of photos, when you are being sensible about who you are sending to, bloody crop the head off entirely!!

@ExD1938

Is no-one concerned about your having invaded her privacy? It's like reading someone's diary. I'm surprised she didn't clam up and refuse to co-operate. With hindsight (yes I know, 'hindsight') it would have been better to introduce discussions, as you have already done, into everyday conversations instead of PUNISHING her for wanting to conform with her peers. And without letting her know you'd read her private thoughts.

I feel very sorry for the child.

No. She is 12 years old and obviously still needs guidance.

And you what - her peers shouldn't be doing it either. it shows how backward society has come when this is accepted 12 year old behaviour

Have had the conversation. A lot spoken about, feel like she has been able to bring a lot to the table, and this was something she needed and wanted to talk to me about but didn’t know how.
Everyone is learning here.
Thanks again for the pointers they were invaluable.

Privacy in mobiles phone is a ridiculous notion for 12 yearnolds, just look at what I am dealing with this evening.

Op, I have three girls and from experience they are sneaky secretive little buggers regardless how often we talk about dangers ect..

Outside influence is a massive factor and kids get swept away easily - this is why they still need monitoring - a lot.

She is still a child so don't shame her she just carried away and made a bad choice.

But it has to be discussed absolutely. I wouldn't class it as grounding but I would class it as a change of scene and friendship circle. 12 years olds shouldn't be vaping or sending those kinds of pics to each other, one of them only had to up the anti a bit and then that picture was actually illegal.

Keep her close, I would take her phone for a while as it used for not what it was intended for. Encourage her to meet up with different friends who are not vaping, help her build a new scene. When she gets her phone back its checked daily till she builds the trust up again.

@BridStar

Sending such material could get her done for creation and distribution of pornographic materials, so yes, she's proved she is not mature enough to have a phone anymore.

She’s a victim for goodness sake. Your comment isn’t helpful at all. It’s a safeguarding issue.

@Motheroftigers

Op, I have three girls and from experience they are sneaky secretive little buggers regardless how often we talk about dangers ect..

Outside influence is a massive factor and kids get swept away easily - this is why they still need monitoring - a lot.

She is still a child so don't shame her she just carried away and made a bad choice.

But it has to be discussed absolutely. I wouldn't class it as grounding but I would class it as a change of scene and friendship circle. 12 years olds shouldn't be vaping or sending those kinds of pics to each other, one of them only had to up the anti a bit and then that picture was actually illegal.

Keep her close, I would take her phone for a while as it used for not what it was intended for. Encourage her to meet up with different friends who are not vaping, help her build a new scene. When she gets her phone back its checked daily till she builds the trust up again.

I agree that early-teens can be very secretive and are sometimes poor judges of what they can share; they find a ‘tribe’ of friends and use that as their compass, and even if it’s a very small group of close friends, their judgement can be way off even on harmless stuff. My 12yo won’t even tell me who her class secret Santa is! It’s so important to normalise family chats and one on one time as a safe space.

Agree, plus 'done' by whom? And what would be 'done' to a 12 year old that has sent a picture of herself in a bikini?

However Tortured I didn't know that, that certainly hasn't been shared in the schools safer online booklet because I just checked. (It does tell people about the what's app no deletion app) so thanks for that.

I well realise what she's done by putting herself at risk, but the deed's done, the photos are out there and taking her phone away puts her at risk of being unable to call for help if she needs it.
Can she not use a Pay as you Go phone so she can have access to phone home in an emergency, but will cost her an arm and a leg if she tries to use the internet?

Its the trust that you've lost by Punishing her as a result of your snooping that I find distasteful. Surely being a modern teenager she'll find ways of posting inappropriate images of herself, even if she's promised never to do it again. How do you know you can trust her to obey your rules now?

You’re quite an interesting character. Thanks for your input tho.
No trust has been lost, infact having took the advice of others I’ve probably cemented the bond with my daughter, also shown her a level of vulnerability that even as adults we get it wrong.

I think you'll have to just take 20 minutes every evening to check her phone thoroughly op. But even then sje could search/send things earlier in the day that can be deleted.

At a recent training day at work we were told of a psychologist that was asked ''At what age is it appropriate to give my child a phone?'' And the answer was ''When you are comfortable with them seeing porn''.

Sadly this is where we are.

Unless she and her phone are under your constant supervision,there is potential there for her to see and engage in everything imaginable on the Internet.

And even if she doesn't actively search for these things,anyone can send them to her. So either way she can be exposed.

I'm not sure if it's the same in the UK but in Ireland, if indecent images of minors are sent(even by another minor) it is the person who pays the phone bill/wifi that is technically responsible for distributing child pornograpy. I havnt heard yet of a case actually being made against a parent for this but it is technically the law here.

@Notimeforaname

I'm not sure if it's the same in the UK but in Ireland, if indecent images of minors are sent(even by another minor) it is the person who pays the phone bill/wifi that is technically responsible for distributing child pornograpy. I havnt heard yet of a case actually being made against a parent for this but it is technically the law here.

But let's remember, a photo of a boy without a top on & a girl in a bikini are not indecent images

BridStar don't be so bloody ridiculous, no 12 year old would think about that nor would most 16 or even 18 year olds think about that. That isn't a sign she's too immature for the phone, if anything the fact that she blurs her face and wore a bikini suggests she's a lot more mature than most other 12 year olds, but she's a pubescent kid yes sex is going to be on her mind and it's about teaching her how to handle that online so that she's safe.

PLEASE don’t punish her.

Talk to her. Find out why she has done this. There are reasons behind this behaviour.

Please please please do not ground her or make her feel ashamed.