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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ground my dd indefinitely and take her phone

156 replies

Autumnbe · 10/12/2021 09:40

Long and short of it went through my dd12 phone last night and saw photos on her phone (saved not active message) of a boy with his top off, next saved photo was her posing in her bikini with her face scrubbed out. Upon questioning her it transpires that she did infact send him this picture. She doesn’t know him well and has not been in contact since.

We are a very open family, sit down to dinner every night, discuss the day, very close. I feel like I don’t know her at the moment. I also feel very guilty for not being aware that she potentially would do this.

I’m worried if I don’t punish her now, her behaviour will spiral.

She also has pornhub in her search history, which she said was a joke with her friend. Her friends are also into vapping. She is adamant that she hasn’t tried it but what do I do?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 11/12/2021 02:06

But let's remember, a photo of a boy without a top on & a girl in a bikini are not indecent images

No, I know that.
It was just in relation to my comment above that. With children having access to the internet and chat apps it has the potential to go further.

teen545 · 21/12/2021 01:29

@Autumnbe Just to give an opinion from a 15 year olds viewpoint what your daughter is doing is actually relatively innocent compared to what goes on nowadays. I know this may not be what you want to hear however just to give you an idea of what goes on where I am (surrey), there are people my age (15) smoking regularly (cigs and weed) and this isn't in the minority. Also regarding the pictures I doubt that the boy was being overly sexual on purpose unless there were nudes or she was sending nudes since it's now more just a way of flirting, however if she is sending nudes please stop asap. Plus think about what she could be doing with boys in real life, it could be a lot worse, so don't come down hard on it since from experience parents behaving like that has caused my friends to go completely off the rails. I hope this helped.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 11:54

Sorry to resurrect an old post… it will help me give clarity to my current situation..

i took the advice given when this happened in December. We talked, we had open door policy, I monitored her online. I didn’t heavily punish her as I first wanted to.. anyway fast forward..

her sister alerted me to her snap chat story last night that was slightly provocative. I asked her to delete it and further explained that it wasn’t appropriate etc.. I then requested her phone to check through it.

there I found a picture of an erect penis and also a picture of her sat in her bra and knickers.

i am at a loss. We have fully explained to her the dangers, the fact that she is receiving child pornography and her sending sexualised pictures of herself is illegal. It’s as if she’s void of emotion, she is an intelligent girl, she plays a sport to a high level so trains most evenings so it isn’t a matter of her being just left to her own devices all the time.

please don’t judge, I just really need some help on what I can do

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 11:55

Just to clarify she had sent the picture of herself to this boy. I also made her call him and get him to delete the picture.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/09/2022 12:00

How old is she now? I don't want to scare you, but highly sexualised behaviour in young teens can often be a sign of abuse. Her being a "void of emotion" regarding this would also be very worrying to me.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 12:16

She’s 13. I appreciate what you are saying but she isn’t abused, she doesn’t have that level of freedom yet in terms of being out the family home. I’m a stay at home parent, she never stays out the house unless at her two main friends.

void of emotion is probably the wrong way to describe it, it’s as if she doesn’t grasp how risky her behaviour is regardless of the countless conversations and open door policy.

during the summer I found a video of her masturbating and as awful and horrifying as it was, we talked openly about it being a natural activity and she recorded it because she was being inquisitive. I didn’t punish but instead educated.. but I have to be honest I’m at an absolute loss

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/09/2022 12:18

Abuse can happen at home, at school, at clubs, at friends' homes... It's very naïve to assume it couldn't happen to your child and her behaviour is quite worrying.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 12:23

I will speak to her tonight when she is home from school. It’s not something that had crossed my mind

OP posts:
Wheresmymoneytree · 13/09/2022 12:43

I would contemplate recording this with the police, it might shock her into thinking about her actions. At this point I would also take her phone, not as punishment but to protect her. She is putting herself at risk by having these videos and pictures and unfortunately doesn’t seem to be grasping the consequences.

I’m a teacher and we’ve shared some good videos of the risks with out students, I haven’t got time now but I will look later and link them on here if I find them.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 12:50

Thank you. I appreciate what you are saying about the police but in essence she has actually broken the law and if prosecuted (which I know is unlikely) it would hinder her from certain careers, in terms of DBS.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 13/09/2022 12:55

Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 12:50

Thank you. I appreciate what you are saying about the police but in essence she has actually broken the law and if prosecuted (which I know is unlikely) it would hinder her from certain careers, in terms of DBS.

They won't prosecute, they'll treat her as an at risk child and speak to her.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 12:56

Thank you, I think it’s a viable route in that case.

OP posts:
Crazydoglady1980 · 13/09/2022 13:07

I think you need to turn the conversation, what is compelling her to do this, is she desperate to be liked by boys? is she feeling left out of conversations in her peer groups? Etc. There is a need here that she is having met by this and this need is more important to her than the possible consequences that have already been discussed.
We use props like story boards. Go through what happened, without comment, and when finished explore what could have been done differently when? What were the red flags when talking to the boy? Who could she speak to if she didn’t feel comfortable talking to you? Etc

SillySausage21356 · 13/09/2022 13:12

I don't know, its a different world I grew up in

Id have a talk with her about the dangers of sending online pictures and how you can never, ever get them back - when it is out there, it is out there. and the impression boys may have if she is sending virtually nude pictures, what impression does she think this gives?

Yeah id probably take her phone

RoseTree37 · 13/09/2022 13:13

I am surprised you haven’t confiscated her phone (that’s the culprit) she isn’t at an age where she’s really aware of the consequences of sending nude/explicit photos. I would confiscate the phone and when she can use it for its intended purpose then she can have it back, start with 24 hours. Explain there is no shame in being curious etc but that’s a private matter and not one shared with others.

Madamecastafiore · 13/09/2022 13:23

You're not doing anything wrong, I don't know one parent where their teen didn't drop a nuclear bomb in their lap at some point. The ones who coped best didn't make it about them and their parenting but understood that children do fucking stupid, sometimes illegal, things.

Those that can't believe their children will vape, use phones inappropriately, have sex etc are stupid, it's what kids do, how many of us can say that we didn't try a cigarette, go to the park and drink 50:50 or snog the bad boy at school (just a few examples), now it's different as they've grown up quicker because of mobile phones and actions could have more severe consequences.

Your child will lie, push boundaries and do stupid things because they're kids and bow to peer pressure or aren't grown up enough to make sensible decisions. You could be the best parent in the world with dinner together every night and totally open dialogue but they're growing into young adults in their own right so will want a life that they don't discuss with you.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 13:25

We’ve talked and talked and talked about it, this is where the problem is, it’s not changing the behaviours. Even taking her phone, she gets it back eventually, I’ve friended her on all her social media accounts, regularly do spot checks. It’s just not going on at all, I definitely think we need to investigate the “why” but the only response I’m getting is “I don’t know why” or “I didn’t think”, she has given me stories about her friends doing it abs what happened, so she understand the consequences and even then that’s not enough for her.
it’s the sexualisation of herself, could it be a mental health issue? I just don’t know

OP posts:
mam0918 · 13/09/2022 13:25

A picture shock horror in a bikini.

Is this some top secret see through micro bikini she has procured without you knowing?

or

One you bought her to wear to the baths and beach?

If shes fine to wear it in public shes fine to take a photo in it and send it to people, people need to unclutch their pearls.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 13:26

It’s escalated from my OP, see today’s post..

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 13/09/2022 13:27

Take it to the police and find out who the penis belongs to. That would be my first port if call. I think there is a huge difference between a girl on a bikini and a penis all primed and ready to go. Sounds as though she's being groomed by someone and being void of emotion about it is often a consequence of this.

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 13:28

I think that’s what’s going to have to happen. It was erect. Just can’t believe I’m writing this..

OP posts:
Onlyhuman123 · 13/09/2022 13:41

and the penis won't belong to a 13 yr old lad either! Sorry to say that this could be some disgusting paedophile she's met on line, old enough to be her father probably. Quite possible that the video of her masturbating was for his benefit. I really think you need to speak with the Police.

You say you've got access to ALL her SM accounts...are you absolutely sure? I am 'friends' to one of my DC's SM accounts but I know full well they have secondary snapchat accounts and instagram accounts. 🙄

I don't know but is there a way of locking down smart phones to particular SM i.e snapchat, instagram so she can't have them on her phone? If you insist she deletes all accounts, she'll only add them when she's at school and delete them when she's home.

You must be beside yourself with worry...I hope you can get the help you need.

LizziesTwin · 13/09/2022 13:56

They can block you from seeing certain posts, so you’ll only see what she wants you to see.

theremustonlybeone · 13/09/2022 14:07

Get her to do online safety training, speak to the school and see if they have anything that could help. Safeguarding lead etc.

My DD and her friends had this, her friends would send topless photos to boys who had groomed them over months. Also they would then screen shot them and share them. Your DD needs to understand the consequences of what she is doing. Does she realise her photos are likely being shared amongst his mates and the girl mates too?

Original poster
Autumnbe · 13/09/2022 14:13

Yes she’s been made fully aware. She’s done an online safety course and her school are very hot on it.
the picture of the penis is actually in a video of her screen recording her deleting it, I assume for the benefit of the boy it came from.. but I said to her she still has the image even if it’s in the video of her deleting it.. proving that it can look deleted but it never actually is.

i personally think it’s gone beyond educating her now because there is absolutely nothing more we could say.. even down to last time when we explained she had broken the law by distributing sexualised pictures of a minor.. it’s like bashing your head against a brick wall.

my husband and I are very united in this tho and it has to dealt with immediately

OP posts: