To ground my dd indefinitely and take her phone

[Autumnbe]

Long and short of it went through my dd12 phone last night and saw photos on her phone (saved not active message) of a boy with his top off, next saved photo was her posing in her bikini with her face scrubbed out. Upon questioning her it transpires that she did infact send him this picture. She doesn’t know him well and has not been in contact since.

We are a very open family, sit down to dinner every night, discuss the day, very close. I feel like I don’t know her at the moment. I also feel very guilty for not being aware that she potentially would do this.

I’m worried if I don’t punish her now, her behaviour will spiral.

She also has pornhub in her search history, which she said was a joke with her friend. Her friends are also into vapping. She is adamant that she hasn’t tried it but what do I do?

There's some really good advice here:

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/articles/7-questions-parents-ask-about-nude-selfies/

This is great thank you 😊

@RainbowBriteUk

It's all part of being a teen

She's 12.

I would have her watch a couple documentary about people giving their testimony as victims of revenge porn and how much bullying they got and how much it affected them. I would also let her know that possessing sexual (I know topless isn’t sexual) content of other minors isn’t legal and that she could get in serious trouble for it.

I would then have a long talk about porn and the sexualization of women and how porn isn’t representative or how women have sex and that some boys will try and have her emulate that but that it’s not realistic and talk for a while about consent and what consent is and what consent isn’t.

And then I would do an experiment with her about how easily one can be deceived by the internet and how pictures stay on the internet forever.

I had to do that with my youngest brother. I purposefully pretended to be someone I was not for a day, reached out, made him (easily give me personal information) even used videos and things on platforms he would think people couldn’t pretend to be someone else (Snapchat etc…) and had him send me a silly (non sexual at all of course) picture.

I then confronted him and showed him how much information I had gathered about him, how easily I could track him down, and how now I owned a picture of him that I could easily share on the internet or with his school. I then showed him how easily it is to pretend you are someone else. How easy it is to keep pictures from snapchat even without you noticing (despite the supposed notification feature). And that there is never any way to know who you are talking to online even if you think it’s your best friend, because anyone can hack an account and pretend to be the person and anyone can recover those pictures by hacking an account.

I then made him share a random image on an image sharing platform and gave him the task to get it off the internet (I purposefully shared the image too, so that he would see that once the image travel and is shared, especially across platforms, it’s impossible) and he wasn’t able to.

It really made a mark on him and now he has zero pictures on social media, his accounts don’t have his real name and he has learned to access the functions of the app and enjoy them without exposing himself. He is 14 (was a bit under 12 at the time of the experiment.)

If it was you I wouldn’t necessarily take the phone away but I would swap it indefinitely for a brick phone with no camera and no access to social media apps (which you don’t need at 12 anyway). So she would still be able to text and call but will have no room to take pictures of herself, let alone share them as she has has shown she can’t be trusted with that.

If I were you*

Just remember this isn't about you and any anxiety/shame you feel as a parent. This is about her and keeping her safe and that is all.

IMO punishment of teens usually impeded communication.

Bad attitude is one thing but this is different and communication with her is key.

Deal with bad attitude separately.

This issue is internet safety, social relationships, emerging relationships with adolescent boys, consent and pressure towards sexualised behaviour.

Sorry that quite a few people have jumped in to advise you o do stuff you've already done, OP. Can't imagine that's helping.

I think the poster who pointed out how at puberty, hormones and other stuff overrides common sense and other warnings has it right. Maybe a talk about on a more general level about taking a few minutes before doing something rash (anything, any big step really, not just sending photos) might be in order. Might even head off trouble further down the line on something else if she remembers.

I expect you know this already, but I've noticed with my kids at that age, you really have to get their attention if you want anything to go in. They're very good at giving the impression they're listening, but something else entirely is going round their heads while they nod along to whatever you're talking about. Did your previous conversations on this topic include her asking questions? Or repeating back to you any salient points? If not, there's a reasonable chance the chat only skimmed the surface of her conscious. If she seemed engaged and thoughtful on the topic, and still decided sending the photo was a good idea, then yeah, the problem runs deep, and I'd be spending a while online trying to find some advice from professionals...

Sending such material could get her done for creation and distribution of pornographic materials, so yes, she's proved she is not mature enough to have a phone anymore.

Mn is a funny place, was expecting the usual come down hard, punish her more posts and yet todays posters have given such excellent information and support. I can't really add anything except to stress that teenagers can known something and yet not think it through.

Punish what?

Boys walk around with their tops off all summer.

She was showing no more flesh than she does on the beach and wearing a bikini that presumably you bought her.

Aside from being on porn hub (that deserves an open conversation but not a punishment) what exactly has she done wrong?

A child can't 'sexualise' an item of clothing. If someone perceives a child's swimwear as sexualised the problem is with them.

A child cannot be blamed for an adults perception of them as a sexual object.

The way you're carrying off you're just going to shame her into hiding worse stuff. I wouldn't care that she's watching porn, have an open conversation about a lot of porn not being realistic, just like the TV and movies we watch.
Remind her that sharing pictures of herself is dangerous especially when she doesn't know the person that well. And that vaping is unhealthy and she doesn't have to do what her friends are doing.
At the end of the day, she's not really done anything that bad and you want her to be able to come to you and say "mum I sent this picture to a boy and now he's sending it around." And feel able to ask for your help. Don't shame her for perfectly normal teen behaviour. I smoked and sent pictures of far more intimate things at her age, I'm not a criminal or a pervert, but I was lucky I didn't get myself hurt. But there was no way I could have spoken to anybody about what I'd got myself into.

I disagree with most people on here. She has proven through her actions that she can’t be trusted to act sensibly with a phone at this age, so it should absolutely be removed. I also wouldn’t be allowing her to go to any special events other than having a friend round so you know who she’s with and what she’s doing.

Indefinitely might be a bit much but at least for a few months. The “talking calmly” approach clearly hasn’t worked. At the moment she has faced zero consequences for her actions so won’t have much of an incentive not to repeat again in future.

*social events, not special

For what it’s worth, my mum was very strict and although she didn’t always get it right, the approach did work as whenever peers were pressuring me to do things I didn’t want to, I would just think “am I more scared to say no or of my mum if I say yes?” Was pretty much always more scared of my mum so never did anything too bad!

She chilled out a lot once I reached 18 and we have a very good relationship as adults.

If you punish your child for exploring their nascent sexuality you're running a serious risk of screwing them up. A bikini picture with her face scrubbed out honestly sounds pretty sensible. It's not as if she was nude.

I think it's a very good idea to explain the law on indecent images, and that she could get into some really major trouble for having images of a more explicit nature on her phone - even if she made them of herself. It's also worth talking about the fact that porn isn't realistic, and that if she's curious about sex it's not the place to start. But don't punish her for doing something entirely normal.

I had an iPhone as a teenager and access to the internet from early childhood, and I think sometimes people who grew up before that period can be a bit mislead about how to manage it. There is a normal aspect of secrecy around sexuality when you're growing up, because it's private and personal. As long as she's taking precautions and she knows she can talk to you about anything scary, she'll be okay.

If you punish her for this then there's a good chance that if something of this nature happens and she's upset about it, she won't feel able to talk to you about it.

Thanks everyone. Just wanted to clarify that I am not ashamed of her. But she is embarrassed about what she has done hence why I haven’t gauged advice from people RL. I am protecting her.
Yes, I am upset by it and yes I will make sure that those emotions do not overspill when we are talking.
I do appreciate the ones that have given advice because when posting this morning I was really torn and wanted to do the best for my dd.
Shame on the ones that have used this to question my parenting and relationship with my dd.

@Movingsoon21

I disagree with most people on here. She has proven through her actions that she can’t be trusted to act sensibly with a phone at this age, so it should absolutely be removed. I also wouldn’t be allowing her to go to any special events other than having a friend round so you know who she’s with and what she’s doing.

Indefinitely might be a bit much but at least for a few months. The “talking calmly” approach clearly hasn’t worked. At the moment she has faced zero consequences for her actions so won’t have much of an incentive not to repeat again in future.

I agree. The OP keeps saying that she has explained everything to her daughter. A teenager is not mature enough.

A 12 yo had commited suicide according to the BBC after a boy had repeatedly asked for pictures, then she met him and he raped her. Why do they need phones anyway so young? My heart breaks reading such stories.

I would worry reacting in this way just meant she hid more things from you. go the other way and say you are not angry - you just hope she talks to you next time

@RainbowBriteUk

It's all part of being a teen

Of course it’s not. It’s only going to go in one direction. Next it will be topless photos. People normalising it by thinking it’s part of being a teen are part of the problem.

The “talking calmly” approach clearly hasn’t worked

I don't know, she was in a bikini and she blurred her face, I think that is a child that has listened and understood about sharing images.

I have dc similar age and older.

No punishments, a really relaxed talk is needed about pornhub, explain that many of the women on there have been trafficked and are having sex against their will, even the ones that are willing will be paid and how unpleasant it must be to have to deal with other people's bits, the reality of what is behind porn hub. Ask her what she thinks the women on there feel like, be curious about the subject rather than lecture. What are her thoughts on women's bodies being used like this and filmed? How would she feel? The women are human beings too that kind of thing.

The bikini shot is easier, remind her that the headteacher and HoY will be checking phones and might see it. It may end up on the internet and could imperil her chances of a job/happy life. My girls have never done this because of the fear of their photos being 'out there'

Lastly sit and watch cat fish with her and other internet films - there is another one that is really good, and show her that the 15 year old boy is rarely what he seems on line, and even if he is, he will be sharing it for sure with all of his friends.

rainbowbrite It is worth noting a 12 year old is not even a teen.

Why do they need phones so young?

Because they are getting on public transport at this age, and independently move around and see friends, the phones are for safety.