To never send MIL photos again?

[babybrain77]

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

I would also be spitting mad. We have the same rule for our daughter, and though my MIL describes it as "torture" she has never posted a single picture. She does send physical copies (which she prints off at walgreens) to family members, we are fine with this. I wouldn't provide MIL with any more photos or allow her to take any in light of her response. I think she will probably try to get them from other family members though so beware!

You’re 100% right to be furious. I would be and she wouldn’t get another photo from me.

@BlondeDogLady

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Well it's unlikely she has made her account secure or private, so anyone in the world can see those pictures. You maybe don't know this, but paedophilia is rife on fb. They will put photos up on fb a lot, or links to websites with photos of kids. They will steal any pictures of children not locked down as well, anything they can get their hands on. Parents tend to not want their kids to be used as wank material by strange people. That's why it's bad.

There are items about/by me on T'Internet from 1980s. If you know where to search.

How long do you think it will take for your DH to patch things up with his mum, @babybrain77 ?

YANBU - what is it with grandmothers?! That goes for mums as well as MILs. Whether the rule is no photos on SM or no chocolate for a 3 month old or no screen time … they just need to pack it in with the doing what they want!!!

Realistically, it doesn't matter what app you use. You don't know what the companies actual policies are behind closed doors. It's well known fb don't give a shit about data.

If you don't want your kids photos used as wank material, don't put them online at all. Anywhere. That's the safest way. Sorry to be blunt, but there's not really any way to be polite on this topic after all. The Internet is not a safe place, and a company that claims to be secure and safe could be hit by ransomware, or be lying about their policies etc.

If you don't want your kids photos used as wank material, don't put them online at all. Anywhere.

I can see that argument but that’s not the reason OPs DH doesn’t want the pics uploaded.

Also unless the kids are naked or have a school uniform on then anyone can google images of kids, they don’t need to spend time scrolling through FB photos.

I think it’s total over reaction, but your kids, your rules. Yes, paedophilia might be rife, but the chances of anyone using pics of your DCs must be very slim. It’s risk assessment ,which we consider for everything in life. There’s always going to be risk for most things we do every day.

@Livelovebehappy - I can’t believe any parent would want to take a ‘slim chance’ a paedo might get hold of their child’s photos. And you seeing it as just weighing it up as a risk you take ….wow!

[quote babybrain77]@DipItAgain you can't screenshot on wickr.

@WonderfulYou I have a phone and choose what data I'm willing to share about myself. DH wants the children to have the same choice.[/quote]
How does wickr stop someone taking a photograph of the phone screen in the same way that your MIL is taking a photo of the hard copy photo?

Is there some kind of clever filter or something?

Whether your DH is overreacting or not is not the issue. The issue is his mother has deliberately ignored what you both told her to do and put pix of your kids online because she 'needs' to be able to share pix of her grandchildren. She doesn't 'need' to: she's presumptuous and selfish.

We have the same rule for our daughter, and though my MIL describes it as "torture" she has never posted a single picture

I realise there may have been some hyperbole in what she said, but just what IS it about Facebook and the like which makes peoples' brains fall out?
Why does every last little detail have to be plastered all over the internet - with names and faces at that - for other people to gawk at?

I’m 100% with you OP. My DH is in cyber security too and I have seen some nasty stuff in the police.

We don’t have pictures online, it’s caused a few awkward moments when our NCT group etc starting posting pics from the sessions without our consent when we barely knew them but apart from that people respect our decision.

I’m glad my childhood isn’t in the public domain.

Possibly ott but is he controlling in other ways too? I could care less about mil but him not letting YOU share pics of your own kids raises a red flag for me.

@SirensofTitan - DH’s company stopped using Wickr because people were just taking photos of messages using other phones due to the 5 day time out. It is only really useable in the NATO / national security context where the bulk of messaging / conversation / decisioning occurs elsewhere.

My DH is the same - we don't put any pictures of our son on social media as he can't consent. As and when he's able to choose, then he can do. DH is ok with sharing via text, WhatsApp and messenger, but doesn't want anything public and I totally support it. It's scary how little people care about their data footprint.

Your MIL is being awful.

@inloveagain2022

Your husband sounds a tad excessive but in the course of time I sure he will be proved right for his caution. In any case she completely disregarded his wishes and to not apologise just showed she won't stop.

I wouldn't send her picture again either.

Interesting that the desire to protect one's child is considered 'excessive'. Surely the MN rule is 'their child, their rules'. Surprisingly enough not everyone wants to live their lives under the spotlight of social media.

[quote Fl0w3ry]@Livelovebehappy - I can’t believe any parent would want to take a ‘slim chance’ a paedo might get hold of their child’s photos. And you seeing it as just weighing it up as a risk you take ….wow![/quote]
Do you take your DCs swimming, knowing there’s a chance a paedo is ogling them? Do you allow your teen daughter to walk to school alone knowing a paedo might be watching them? My point is, face book pics are no more dangerous than other stuff we allow our DCs to do every day.

@Lovewins

I thought WhatsApp was end to end encrypted and very safe and secure? Can Anyone who really works in cyber security explain please?

When you are sent a picture via WhatsApp, that picture gets downloaded to your phone when you open it, you can then forward that pic wherever you want.

You/your DH are DNBU. I suspect your husband is in a job where he has seen exactly what trauma online images can bring. He is not unreasonable and your MIL should 100% respect his request.

In the interests of keeping family harmony - has he actually explained to his mum why he feels so strongly about this? If not that might help her understand. In the future - who knows what the world will look like in 13 years time - but if he has the sort of job that exposes him to abuse of minors it may be helpful for him to have some counselling to cope with with managing that trauma with his own family - as a pp said there will come a time when as youngsters they want to post images themselves

So, yes, it sounds tricky. But yadnbu

@BlondeDogLady

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Well that’s not necessarily the case is it. My MIL has literally hundreds of people on there, most of them she barely knows, she will add anyone she vaguely knows.

I’m with your husband as well OP. DH stopped sending photos of the DC on to his mom after it turned out she was secretly sending them on to extended family members that he has no contact with (for very good reason).

Pictures on Facebook may also have identifying information.
Kids names, ages, schools, activities...
Kids walking along the road or swimming don't have the same stuff broadcast widely.

When I was young, back in the day of cameras and film needing developing my granny had a " brag book" of her grandchildren , pulled out the handbag to show friends and relatives.
She didn't take copies of these and paste them on a billboard, which unsecured Facebook is.
Neither did she post out copies to random strangers again that's what non private Facebook pages are.
Have you never been on a Facebook group set to "all" that hasn't had a spammer, random creep, offer of " winning prizes" until mods kick them off?

All apps have a degree of data sharing and WhatsApp is a meta (Facebook) company. Anything that is free usually means YOU (and your data) are the product. WhatsApp collects all your metadata IP address name and contacts details and your backups are not end to end encrypted. There are messaging apps that are more secure and private such as signal and telegram. We don’t use wickr for some of the reasons mentioned above.

None of that matters. Your kids - your rules. That’s the only important thing.

I am also of the same mindset OP, have never put any pictures of the children online and have asked family not to post them too. Of course once they grow up they make their own choices but mine have all been pleased they had their privacy. None have ever been upset we didn't post.

I would be extremely upset about what your MIL has done and would not send her any more pictures.

I feel really sorry for your DH, it is very unkind that his own mum ignored his stated wishes and for so long.