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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
NAMECHANGEFLRBTI · 07/12/2021 18:58

No your not being unreasonable at all, my DH showed me exactly how dangerous the internet was and sharing pics etc when he had my phone hacked using only my phone number, they got up every text iv ever sent, every picture and video ever deleted to.

People are truly blind to how dangerous social media is and how easily hackers can get your whole life from your phone Sad

Never used social media or iCloud since that day!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2021 18:58

she has never had solo care of the children. DH doesn't trust her to respect our boundaries

Regardless of the merits of this particular issue, it sounds as if he was right ...

lesenfantsdelesperance · 07/12/2021 18:58

Lots of people don't get it, which is ok, they've never thought about it, but there hasn't be one person so far who's come along and said "I work in cyber security and I'm cool about my kid's image on line". That very telling.

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 19:00

Expecting people to download and set up a special app just so you can send them pictures of your children…

LOL I have to download and set up an app to do almost anything! heating, burglar alarm, park, order a coffee, go to the gym, everything!

pompomsgalore · 07/12/2021 19:01

@Bramblesr ignore me. I've seen OP's update and explanation

Lovewins · 07/12/2021 19:03

I thought WhatsApp was end to end encrypted and very safe and secure? Can Anyone who really works in cyber security explain please?

FOJN · 07/12/2021 19:05

no she has never had solo care of the children. DH doesn't trust her to respect our boundaries.

And she's proved him right.

It does no matter what anyone thinks about your husbands approach to managing your children's digital footprint. Every parent is free to decide for themselves what they are comfortable with.

Your MIL was told about the preferred app so she knew how you both felt about this, she declined to use it and has ignored your wishes by sharing photos. She has been sent photos which must be less convenient for you and she has abused your trust.

I would be furious and questioning how much contact I wanted her to have with my children. She cannot be trusted not to decide she always knows better. She can disagree with your decision about sharing photos but she doesn't have the right to ignore it.

YorkshireLass2012 · 07/12/2021 19:10

On WhatsApp, you can now choose as the sender to only allow the recipient to be able to see the picture once before it is deleted. I don’t know if you can screenshot it though 🤷🏻‍♀️

grapewine · 07/12/2021 19:10

a desire for the kids not to have an enormous data profile associated with them before they are old enough to consent.

Sensible. More parents ought to take this into consideration, in my opinion.

daisypond · 07/12/2021 19:10

@Lovewins

I thought WhatsApp was end to end encrypted and very safe and secure? Can Anyone who really works in cyber security explain please?
The OP explains at 18:23.
saleorbouy · 07/12/2021 19:10

I've had a similar issue as I would not wish pictures of my every move as a child available to be freely distributed.... the bad haircuts and fashion choices.
With that in mind I was very choosy with how and whom pictures of my DC were shared with unfortunately some relatives could not see my point of view and freely shared photos sent. My shared pics have now slowed to a trickle.

I can see a whole generation regretting the freeness that they shared their pictures in year to come. There whole lives laid bare for all to explore.

nokidshere · 07/12/2021 19:14

I don't think the concern is the images being put to dark uses (although I'm sure there's an element of that), so much as a desire for the kids not to have an enormous data profile associated with them before they are old enough to consent.

WonderfulYou I have a phone and choose what data I'm willing to share about myself. DH wants the children to have the same choice.

Both of these statements intimate that DH has decided and you haven't really had a say.

But no pictures means no pictures so long as you are both in agreement.

Almostmenopausal · 07/12/2021 19:15

@babybrain77

When you send pictures on WhatsApp, the image is on the recipient's phone. Often people have their phone set to backup to the cloud, at which point that image becomes part of the data packet held by big tech. Since we don't pay for any of these services we use, the data is the "product" and we lose all control of it (dummed down explanation for me!)

For those who have asked what we'll do when they are older (they are currently 3 and 1) - that's a bridge we will cross closer to the time. DH's hope and concern was that we would provide them with the same starting point that our generation had - the choice of what to share and when at a point where they were old enough to give informed consent to the sharing of their data.

The app we use is Wickr. You can prevent screenshotting and the data is automatically "burned" after a set period of time.

This is incorrect. All the data sent/received by WhatsApp is end to end encrypted. Also, the image is no longer stored on the recipient's phone
Helpstopthepain · 07/12/2021 19:15

That’s awful! I’m with you and your Dh!

alwayswrighty · 07/12/2021 19:15

Ex forces wife here. When we moved to Cyprus we were issued a security warning that under no circumstances were we to post pictures on social media of our children and why. The why made me feel sick to my stomach so I have never posted a picture of them on social media since.

daisypond · 07/12/2021 19:18

@Almostmenopausal
”Also, the image is no longer stored on the recipient's phone”

Where is it stored, though? That’s the whole point.

TillyTopper · 07/12/2021 19:18

Honestly I wouldn't get involved with it. His his DM so he can give out any photos - or not. He sounds a bit OTT to be honest but it's his issue to deal with.

HaveringWavering · 07/12/2021 19:18

OP it doesn’t look like you are correct about Wickr not allowing screenshots.
support.wickr.com/hc/en-us/articles/115007884288-Why-don-t-you-disable-screen-capture-

To never send MIL photos again?
PoinsettaPrincess · 07/12/2021 19:19

[quote babybrain77]@DipItAgain you can't screenshot on wickr.

@WonderfulYou I have a phone and choose what data I'm willing to share about myself. DH wants the children to have the same choice.[/quote]
There’s nothing to stop someone taking a photo of the content sent on another device though!

Almostmenopausal · 07/12/2021 19:20

Wickr is much less secure than WhatsApp! 😆 Your husband sounds very ill informed....

sarah13xx · 07/12/2021 19:25

Definitely out of order to post them! I think it’s even out of order to post a picture of someone else’s child on any kind of social media, whether they have those rules or not. When my in laws came to see our baby when he was born they posted very upclose pictures of his face as he slept all over Facebook. We had selected one photo we were happy to share online when he was born but I wouldn’t like someone posting those zoomed in pictures of me sleeping so why do people presume they can just post what they like? 🤦🏼‍♀️ His sister was the same and had his phone right in his face posting pictures of him on her Snapchat. I feel so uncomfortable about it and the fact it’s not me in control of where the photos are going (and the fact it’s not MY Facebook friends viewing them, could be anyone)! I think it’s just cheeky not to ask permission

Unihorn · 07/12/2021 19:25

@Almostmenopausal

Wickr is much less secure than WhatsApp! 😆 Your husband sounds very ill informed....
The main issue with WhatsApp is the Facebook ownership. Facebook have pretty massive form for misusing data.
WannabeMathematician · 07/12/2021 19:27

I’m not as strict as your husband but I do like to keep my son’s picture off social media.

I find that the explanation that allowing him choose to be an international assassin when he’s older seems to be enough of a weird thing to say that people don’t bring it up again. But I don’t post anything on social media myself and mostly I just want my son to have the ability to choose what he shares. If he decides to put all his baby photos up when he’s older then that’s up to him.

HalfWomanHalfMincePie · 07/12/2021 19:30

All the data sent/received by WhatsApp is end to end encrypted. Also, the image is no longer stored on the recipient's phone

It is - assuming the recipient has that setting switched on.

mygenericusername · 07/12/2021 19:30

I beg to differ OP.

Wickr has a desktop site that you can easily snip from.

That said, your kids your choice. His mum should have respected your decision regardless of how ill informed you are.