Is my parents behaviour unreasonable?

[Totalmadness30]

I'm looking for other people's views on whether my parents behaviour is unreasobable. To cut I short my parents have always been let's say overbearing and it's taken years to assert any independence with my parents, I'm 30 with 5 children and been living on with partner for 13 years. There's a long list of things but recently one of the things is to he school run. My mum has been meeting me on the school run pretty much everyday she waits for me to walk up and then walks all the way bk to our house, if she doesn't see me she will send txts asking where I am and even call in the car instead. My parents also asks everyday about taking and fetching the kids, if it slightly rains they pester saying the kids cant walk in the rain,etc. I am a sahm so definitely don't want other people doing my job, but the other day it went further and one afternoon it was bad rain and my parents had already gone to the school and picked my daughter up and sat her in their car without any consent from me or partner which I didn't take kindly to no matter how good their intentions might have been. Then the other thing is they will visit everyday pretty much and always unannounced. They knocked the other day and as we have a 5 week old I was just resting and really not wanting visitors so I ignored the door. My parents then rang continuously, looked thru my letterbox, camw round the back, looked through my window and tried the back door and sat outside for 20 minutes until finally going. Then the last straw was today. Me and dp were having an intimate moment and right in the moment by mum knocks on at 10am and presses her face against the glass in our door and clearly saw too much 🤦very embarrassing and my partner got very angry about it and said she is getting too much now and as a result we ended up arguing. I don't know if it's us being unreasonable or my parents and don't want to seem rude and unwelcoming to them but I feel it's too much? What do you think?

Is there a single person in the family who has a job? I don't see being at work mentioned, you all just seem to be either at home or in each others business.

OP, your parents are being completely intrusive, and are using you as their hobby or interest in life instead of getting on with their own lives.

Do you ever need them to help? With 5 kids I dare say some childcare might help sometimes, so you could say “let’s make regular arrangement for 2 D.C. to come for tea (or whatever) and say it would be lovely to see them for a walk or a coffee once a week / fortnight / year (whatever suits you) but that you are finding their constant attention too much. Just tell them, as nicely as possible.

@CallmeHendricks

Where were the 5 kids when you were having this intimate morning at 10 in the morning, and how come you were visible through the front door window pane?

My question too.

@DameCelia there are many ways around that. Ensuring your name is on house deeds/tenancy pension etc are just some. Stating “you are an unmarried sahm of five” isn’t helpful, concerned, informative, relevant or anything other than an old fashioned point of the fingers at someone you think you’re better than. I know it wasn’t you that said it but that’s the mindset behind it.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Is there a single person in the family who has a job? I don't see being at work mentioned, you all just seem to be either at home or in each others business.

And you could read the fucking thread.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Is there a single person in the family who has a job? I don't see being at work mentioned, you all just seem to be either at home or in each others business.

Get a checkup at specsavers. It’s already been mentioned that the father of these children works six days a week in engineering. Username apt.

@10yearwarranty

You know Op - sometimes you just need to get a bit angry. Like speaking to your Mum - Mum what the hell were you thinking of peering through the window like that? It's not the first time and you need to stop. If I don't answer the door I don't want you coming round the back or peering through windows, for goodness sake! I think you need to respect our privacy a bit more and ring before you come round in future.

This is good.

YANBU definitley tell them to back off. Even if they are doing it to try and help and its from a good place it's definitley going abit far looking through windows that's just them having no respect for your privacy

Also go you for getting some at 5 weeks why not if your still mad for eachother and have the time do it!
It's better than not being intimate and letting your relationship go dull.

On the face of it your parents are behaving very unreasonably.

I think telling the school they do not have permission to pick them up would be a good idea. Sitting down with them and having a talk, asking why they keep ringing, banging on door, peering through the letterbox if you don't answer. Point out that sometimes you have other priorities and it's really unhelpful and quite rude tof them to be demanding attention like that. If that doesn't work, telling them, very bluntly, that they need to start arranging to come round before doing so and then, if they come round at another time, answer the door but just say "It's not convenient right now. Give me a text tomorrow and we can arrange a time." and then close the door on them.

The only thing running through my head is - do you parents have reason to be concerned about you?

I know you've taken umbrage at mentions of the number of children, you being unmarried and SAHM, etc. but lots of children in a financially precarious situation with a BF you got together with when quite young is a classic pattern for abuse. Have you struggled in the past with the kids? You mention about your mother always being around fro pick up - have you ever missed picking them up in a timely manner, I know it's easy to be a minute late every now and then, but is it or has it been more than that? Are they checking up to try and fill the gaps, perhaps?

I'm not saying it's a given that's what's happening - they could well just be overbearing. Or you could have struggled in the first couple of years but had your act together for the last decade and they've never really adjusted. But it's worth thinking about whether they have a motivation other than failing to realise you're not their little kid any more, because that will impact how your efforts to tackle their behaviour will work.

No one I know judging you for not being married. It's a legally precarious position to be in, especially with 5 kids and no income of your own.

Don't think you've given the full story. They're obviously dead worried about you for some reason. They were probably trying to help when you were heavily pregnant. Probably should let them do more so you can focus on your recovery after your recent birth.

Oh gosh that sounds awful too too much.

Married or not doesn't matter.

Also I got pregnant five weeks after having mine. So be careful lol

Tell your parents to back the fuck off!

If you need practice, you can try it on the rude people here with their faux concern trying to hide their hiked up judgey pants over your marital (or lack of) status.

FWIW.. if a bloke wants to piss off and leave you and screw you over, they can do that if you are married too, its a bit more effort on their part but totally possible. This idea that marriage is a cast iron guarantee of financial support and protection is absolute bullshit. You only have to take a look through the page after page of posts by single mothers whose ex husbands are not paying any maintenance and are pretending they earn fuck all whilst living a life of riley!

"FWIW.. if a bloke wants to piss off and leave you and screw you over, they can do that if you are married too, its a bit more effort on their part but totally possible. This idea that marriage is a cast iron guarantee of financial support and protection is absolute bullshit. You only have to take a look through the page after page of posts by single mothers whose ex husbands are not paying any maintenance and are pretending they earn fuck all whilst living a life of riley!"

On a similar note, it is possible for a considerate partner to make legal provision for their loved one in the event that they should split up. I'm not married, but if we split, or anything happens to him, I'm perfectly safe.

What did you/they do when they saw you??

[quote HighlandPony]@DameCelia there are many ways around that. Ensuring your name is on house deeds/tenancy pension etc are just some. Stating “you are an unmarried sahm of five” isn’t helpful, concerned, informative, relevant or anything other than an old fashioned point of the fingers at someone you think you’re better than. I know it wasn’t you that said it but that’s the mindset behind it.[/quote]
There are SOME ways around SOME issues. There’s no way around the inheritance tax allowances that come with marriage for example. And a bloke making his girlfriend the beneficiary of his pension or will is only protection for her as long as he wants it to be. He could very easily change it back any time he wants.

People aren’t trying to be dicks. It’s frightening how many women are totally naive or trusting when it comes to these matters and many posters on here like to take the opportunity to offer well meaning advice to someone it may help. I’m astonished anyone would spend their entire adult life raising five kids of their boyfriend’s with no legal protection. IMO it’s doing the children a disservice as much as themselves. No one things their bloke would do anything to leave them high and dry, until they do.

@Woolled21

Don't think you've given the full story. They're obviously dead worried about you for some reason. They were probably trying to help when you were heavily pregnant. Probably should let them do more so you can focus on your recovery after your recent birth.

You know them personally to make such an assertion, do you? Or are you the mother in question? Has the OP given any reason to suggest they have anything to worry about?

Not that they see the OP as their social life and have no boundaries?

OP you're going to have to read them the Riot Act. And they have to know you mean it. If they get huffy, so what? This isn't reasonable, and it's certainly not fair on OH to have his life interrupted so brutally and so often, intimate moment or otherwise. They won't stop unless you are absolutely resolute, a few hints or talking to them nicely isn't going to cut it.

@Totalmadness30

Sorry that being unmarried is such a bad thing...I forgot that being married means your better in some way and have complete stability...not like marriages don't ever end, divorces or affairs? Is that just the unmarried women then 🤦🤣

Absolutely NOTHING to judge except your obvious lack of knowledge about the difference between cohabitation and marriage. !

As it goes I think there should be a lot more legal protection for cohabitation. As it happens there is not.

7 years ago my best friends husband (who didn't 'believe' in marriage ) suddenly and with no previous sign of infidelity in a 26 year marriage. Married a Latvian woman he met whilst in business in Dubai. Only one child under 18. She had been the most amazing corporate wife. Holding the fort , whilst he was away for weeks in end. Entertaining clients, grew their lives together from him being 'the photocopy boy' (it was along time ago) and her a nursery nurse until first child. He ended up as a partner in a venture capital business. Thanks to her providing all the background stuff.

My friend was entitled to CM for one child for 14 months. She was 'allowed' to stay in the home she had loved and looked after for a decade. She was entitled to ABSOLUTELY nothing in terms of settlement. She hadn't worked outside the home for over 30 years. Couldn't get a job for over a year and lived on benefits. Was housed in a housing association I bed flat. Was not entitled to anything bigger as the kids could be accommodated in the family 7 bed home.

A marriage or civil partnership certificate costs £120 all in midweek.
That certificate would have given my friend the lions share of the family home and enough of the assets to have lived comfortably.

She is 58 and works for £11 per hour in a plant nursery.

Her ex partner and his wife live in her home.
It's not about judgement . It's about not leaving your future to luck. Marriage /CP is a legal contract that bestows equal access to jointly acquired assets. Why on Earth would you have 5 kids and not have the basic legal protection in place ?

Absolutely TrufflesAndToast spot on.

[quote Gretaburley]@Finknottlesnewt. Are you a red neck from Texas?
Jeez. Stop with the judgement.[/quote]
Nasty pointless ignorant comment. How about I'm a woman with very close experience of the absolute horror and devastation caused to women's lives when they choose to be SAHM whilst not married.
It's got fuck all to do with the moral aspect of marriage. If cohabitation came with legal protection then this wouldn't be an issue. !

It's not a bad thing to let women be aware of there lack of legal /financial protection when choosing to raise kids without marriage . It may not interest the OP - but it may alert one reader of this thread , not to put their financial future in jeopardy and insist on marriage or CP.

@HighlandPony
When you have a number of years of experience of working in this field as a lawyer please do come back and educate us.

Actually it’s pretty sad that they don’t have anything better to do. I would say that to them to, that they really need to get a life, not live their life through you.

This would drive me crazy. Very much over-the-top. They need to back off

Why does she meet you on re school run? Don't you appreciate another pair of eyes and hands for that?
I can't see anything wrong with sheltering the child in the car.

When she walks all the way back then what does she do?
Generally I'm against parent interfenence but surley with five dc it's OK to have another adult walk and it seems like a nice gesture personally I don't think there can be too many people watching dc on school runs.

Re the peering through the window 😂😂🤣. Oh dear! That's far too much m

@Finknottlesnewt. And your post is bang on— I knew someone similar who seemed to think that being with someone for 20 years and not married made her a ‘common law wife’ — she soon learnt it counted for jack shit and was in a similar situation to your friend. If ever I was on my own again I’m not moving in with anyone unless I’ve got plenty of money behind me OR they put at least 5k in my account which stays there so I can always leave . The older you get the more you experience good people being screwed over