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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my parents behaviour unreasonable?

138 replies

Totalmadness30 · 05/12/2021 15:49

I'm looking for other people's views on whether my parents behaviour is unreasobable. To cut I short my parents have always been let's say overbearing and it's taken years to assert any independence with my parents, I'm 30 with 5 children and been living on with partner for 13 years. There's a long list of things but recently one of the things is to he school run. My mum has been meeting me on the school run pretty much everyday she waits for me to walk up and then walks all the way bk to our house, if she doesn't see me she will send txts asking where I am and even call in the car instead. My parents also asks everyday about taking and fetching the kids, if it slightly rains they pester saying the kids cant walk in the rain,etc. I am a sahm so definitely don't want other people doing my job, but the other day it went further and one afternoon it was bad rain and my parents had already gone to the school and picked my daughter up and sat her in their car without any consent from me or partner which I didn't take kindly to no matter how good their intentions might have been. Then the other thing is they will visit everyday pretty much and always unannounced. They knocked the other day and as we have a 5 week old I was just resting and really not wanting visitors so I ignored the door. My parents then rang continuously, looked thru my letterbox, camw round the back, looked through my window and tried the back door and sat outside for 20 minutes until finally going. Then the last straw was today. Me and dp were having an intimate moment and right in the moment by mum knocks on at 10am and presses her face against the glass in our door and clearly saw too much 🤦very embarrassing and my partner got very angry about it and said she is getting too much now and as a result we ended up arguing. I don't know if it's us being unreasonable or my parents and don't want to seem rude and unwelcoming to them but I feel it's too much? What do you think?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 05/12/2021 17:20

Are you an only child by any chance?

fakereview · 05/12/2021 17:20

@CallmeHendricks

"I'm glad some people agree and don't see the relevance of where my intimate moment was???" Yes, it's irrelevant, but I'm just impressed!
I'm impressed you can manage an intimate moment with a 5 week old baby.
Palavah · 05/12/2021 17:21

OP, people aren't passing a moral judgement on you being unmarried, they're concerned that you're vulnerable if the relationship ends because you're a SAHM with 5 children including a baby and you don't have the legal protection of marriage.

Anyway, that's not what you posted about. Your parents are being unreasonable. Have you told them to back off?

hivemindneeded · 05/12/2021 17:24

She really needs to realise you are not an extension of her and grow some boundaries.

Onlinedilema · 05/12/2021 17:27

Your parents are out of order.
Don't they work? How come they have so much free time?

User310 · 05/12/2021 17:27

Time for a talk with parents. Tell them you live and appreciate them very much but you and partner just need a-bit of space. Ask them to call before they come over and if you don’t answer the phone wait until you ring back.

Just start small and gradual pick it up.

gannett · 05/12/2021 17:28

Your parents are beyond unreasonable. Way, way beyond unreasonable. You need to stand up for yourself: tell them to butt OUT of your parenting and your childrens' pickups; tell them to QUIT with the daily unannounced visits; and absolutely give your mother a bollocking for creepily peering through your window.

Time for some very firm boundaries with these weird, overstepping people.

NCnotmyusualone · 05/12/2021 17:28

The marriage thing is merely that you are in an extremely vulnerable position should your relationship come to an end (which to be fair might not be that far away if your parents carry on this way!).

Your parents are seriously lacking boundaries and need telling to back right the fuck off as a matter of urgency. I don’t think this is something you can do subtly, or by ignoring them. You are going to have to spell it out, and keep reinforcing it. Or alternatively move, far far away…..

TrufflesAndToast · 05/12/2021 17:29

Yes it wasn’t the point of the thread but people commenting on you being an unmarried SAHM of five kids at 30 are not passing some moral judgement. They’re observing that unless you have an independent source of financial security you’re in a frighteningly vulnerable situation.

Yes it’s not what you asked but it might be helpful to know that if you’re not aware, which it sounds like you’re not. People aren’t being nasty, I think just trying to help. Ignore them if you want but worth considering.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:29

@Totalmadness30

Oh really do I need to clarify my life story on here...jeez!!! Actually my partner is exactly that, my partner not my husband yet. We have actually been together since we were kids and have just celebrated 17 years together but just haven't got married...he is the father to all my children not some randomer and not 5 kids by a range of father's incase some of you are wondering....I wonder if I'd said I have 2 children with a picket fence and roses round my door I might not be cross examined so much..my dp works 6 days a week in engineering and I'm a sahm at the minute because iv recently had a baby but otherwise I work from home self employed with my own cake decorating business....less of the judgement for a simple topic 🤨
TBF that wouldn't have been judgement, it would have been concern.

Read some of the posts from women screwed over by 'partners' because they're not married.

However. Any reason you can't tell your parents to pack it in?

EwwSprouts · 05/12/2021 17:31

Way beyond too much. You need to talk with your parents and set some boundaries. Start with an easy 'it's healthy for the children to walk to and from school so please don't try to put them off that'.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:31

@Totalmadness30

Sorry that being unmarried is such a bad thing...I forgot that being married means your better in some way and have complete stability...not like marriages don't ever end, divorces or affairs? Is that just the unmarried women then 🤦🤣
Marriage is a legal contract that gives a lot of protection to SAHM and their children.

Nothing to do with stability or potential divorces.

Would you like some vinegar for that chip?

NowEvenBetter · 05/12/2021 17:32

It’s because boyfriends and girlfriends have zero legal protections, and choosing to give up a job to raise a boyfriends kids is a disastrous choice. I’m sure you already know the differences, legally in being married and legally single though before you chose to put yourself in such a vulnerable place.

Tell your ma to get a fucking grip.

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 17:33

@Palavah

OP, people aren't passing a moral judgement on you being unmarried, they're concerned that you're vulnerable if the relationship ends because you're a SAHM with 5 children including a baby and you don't have the legal protection of marriage.

Anyway, that's not what you posted about. Your parents are being unreasonable. Have you told them to back off?

Rubbish. Op didn’t say a thing about concerns her TWELVE YEAR LONG relationship was in trouble. She raised concerns about her parents behaviour not her partners. I’d have more concerns about the parents behaviour tbh. It was used as an excuse by two people to sneer at someone they see as beneath them. Neither offered advice on the situation at hand. Both passed underhanded presumptions about the op.
DameCelia · 05/12/2021 17:33

@Totalmadness30 @HighlandPony
No-one cares about not being married for 'snobbery' reasons, seriously.
The concern is for women who think that they will get something in the event of a relationship break down,just because they've been together for a long time.
Sadly lots of women still think common law marriage is a thing.
It's not.
Looking out for women is not a bad thing.
(But I agr e not actually relevant to this thread!)

10yearwarranty · 05/12/2021 17:34

You know Op - sometimes you just need to get a bit angry. Like speaking to your Mum - Mum what the hell were you thinking of peering through the window like that? It's not the first time and you need to stop. If I don't answer the door I don't want you coming round the back or peering through windows, for goodness sake! I think you need to respect our privacy a bit more and ring before you come round in future.

Gretaburley · 05/12/2021 17:34

@Finknottlesnewt. Are you a red neck from Texas?
Jeez. Stop with the judgement.

10yearwarranty · 05/12/2021 17:35

As for the school releasing your children to her - that's a safeguarding breach, take it up with them.
For the nosy buggers picking Op's life apart and speculating about her lack of security - why don't you just piss off? You're as bad as her parents.

RandomMess · 05/12/2021 17:38

I would be considering moving tbh!!

You need to create some boundaries with them, I suspect they will push back hard.

BridStar · 05/12/2021 17:38

She sounds in mental decline.

Confront her and be very clear about your boundaries. She's not to helpfully abduct your kids or attempt entry to your home or trespass in its grounds. She'll whinge, then just mute her texts.

Apiddleawiddle · 05/12/2021 17:39

Op yanbu.
To those thinking op is in a vulnerable position being unmarried.... my ex HUSBAND left me when I became disabled and lost my job. I didn't have money
to pursue legal help because he had abused what he could out of me. Marriage does not guarantee anything. If anything it made things so much more complicated for me and made me more vulnerable to financial abuse under the guise of 'we should share, if I'm your husband it will benefit us both for you to pay off my debts'... 1 month later we split.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:41

@10yearwarranty

As for the school releasing your children to her - that's a safeguarding breach, take it up with them. For the nosy buggers picking Op's life apart and speculating about her lack of security - why don't you just piss off? You're as bad as her parents.
Depends whether the GPs do have permission to pick up.

I do for my DGC. Doesn't specify which days, just that I can.

FlamingoQueen · 05/12/2021 17:43

I would definitely speak to the school office tomorrow and say no one is to collect your children unless you say otherwise. This sounds like a nightmare. I can’t believe people are going on about being married - totally missing the point!
I think you are going to have to have a conversation with your parents and just say to them that if they want to be in your life, they need to step back a bit. You are obviously perfectly capable, so say that they are running the risk of not seeing their grandchildren at all.
Good luck

StormyTeacups · 05/12/2021 17:43

Nothing to do with judgement, everything to do with legal and financial protection. Pragmatism not romance.

couchparsnip · 05/12/2021 17:43

Mumsnet is so weird sometimes. Ignoring the irrelevant details, yes your parents are completely over the top.
It might be a good idea if you and your DP to agree what is acceptable and then present it to your parents. Turning up unannounced is the first thing in the list to go! Maybe you can use the incident as a trigger to talk to them. "We don't want a repeat of Sunday, so here's the rules.."
I'd also mention to the school that only you or your DP can pick them up unless you have specifically requested someone else.

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