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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my parents behaviour unreasonable?

138 replies

Totalmadness30 · 05/12/2021 15:49

I'm looking for other people's views on whether my parents behaviour is unreasobable. To cut I short my parents have always been let's say overbearing and it's taken years to assert any independence with my parents, I'm 30 with 5 children and been living on with partner for 13 years. There's a long list of things but recently one of the things is to he school run. My mum has been meeting me on the school run pretty much everyday she waits for me to walk up and then walks all the way bk to our house, if she doesn't see me she will send txts asking where I am and even call in the car instead. My parents also asks everyday about taking and fetching the kids, if it slightly rains they pester saying the kids cant walk in the rain,etc. I am a sahm so definitely don't want other people doing my job, but the other day it went further and one afternoon it was bad rain and my parents had already gone to the school and picked my daughter up and sat her in their car without any consent from me or partner which I didn't take kindly to no matter how good their intentions might have been. Then the other thing is they will visit everyday pretty much and always unannounced. They knocked the other day and as we have a 5 week old I was just resting and really not wanting visitors so I ignored the door. My parents then rang continuously, looked thru my letterbox, camw round the back, looked through my window and tried the back door and sat outside for 20 minutes until finally going. Then the last straw was today. Me and dp were having an intimate moment and right in the moment by mum knocks on at 10am and presses her face against the glass in our door and clearly saw too much 🤦very embarrassing and my partner got very angry about it and said she is getting too much now and as a result we ended up arguing. I don't know if it's us being unreasonable or my parents and don't want to seem rude and unwelcoming to them but I feel it's too much? What do you think?

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 05/12/2021 16:35

Ring doorbell
Locked side gate
Refusal at school to let parents pick up ch.
tell dp, after today it's got too much. We'll pop to yours after school on x day to see you each week.

mbosnz · 05/12/2021 16:35

If I were your partner, I'd be doing my nut - at your extremely overly intrusive parents! If I were you, I'd be doing my nut at them, and setting some very clear, non-negotiable boundaries, with clear consequences if they are breached.

They can pull their damned heads in, and treat you and your partner respectfully, as mature, autonomous, independent adults, and your own family unit.

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 16:39

With five kids you take your intimate moments when you find them. Hiding from kids is hard enough without hiding from creepy parents

Butchyrestingface · 05/12/2021 16:43

@Anoisagusaris

I’m intrigued about the intimate moment….where? In your hallway??with kids about?

I'm impressed that OP has the energy to get it on with a 5 week baby (and 4 older kids) to care for.

Anyway, your parents sound a bit anxious to me. Were they like that with you when you were young, OP?

Christabellaxx · 05/12/2021 16:48

My mum and dad moved next door when DS was 18months. Every couple of years my DH would explode and tell them both they were overstepping every boundary known to man and we needed some space . … bless them they took it well but gradually over time they’d start intruding too much and DH would have to lay it out again …
Almost twenty years later only DM left and we jog along fine for most part . I think they took it better from DH laying down the law rather than me trying .

Finknottlesnewt · 05/12/2021 16:50

I'm less impressed by the intimate moment than I am worried that OP keeps describing her OH as 'partner' and not Husband.. especially as she is a SAHM to 5 kids.. !! Hoping it's just a figure of speech.

JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 16:50

@AllThatGlistensIs

Umm.. your poor husband!

Why on earth are you letting this happen? It’s absolutely suffocating. Time to get yourself some boundaries.

Yes, he definitely has a DP problem, if it's OP's mother then surely it's up to OP to deal with her. Isn't that the rule regarding MIL's?

Hercisback · 05/12/2021 16:52

Your parents sound too much.

You're an unmarried SAHM with 5 kids so you may be wise to keep them onside in case you need them.

Sittingonabench · 05/12/2021 16:56

I think this is a case of your parents not recognising you’ve grown up. I realise that sounds ridiculous as you are 30 with 5 kids but if you moved out at 17 then maybe a bit of extra support was quite welcome. It would normally then develop to the idea of separate households and a little distance but seems to have gone the other way where they still feel you are their responsibility. I agree boundaries need to be put in place and they need to understand that you appreciate they care and love them but unless you ask for it they need to back off on what I’m sure they see as help

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 16:59

@Finknottlesnewt

I can’t see why that matters. I’ve called my husband far worse things than partner and we’ve been bobbing along for sixteen years.

Original poster

Totalmadness30 · 05/12/2021 17:00

Oh really do I need to clarify my life story on here...jeez!!! Actually my partner is exactly that, my partner not my husband yet. We have actually been together since we were kids and have just celebrated 17 years together but just haven't got married...he is the father to all my children not some randomer and not 5 kids by a range of father's incase some of you are wondering....I wonder if I'd said I have 2 children with a picket fence and roses round my door I might not be cross examined so much..my dp works 6 days a week in engineering and I'm a sahm at the minute because iv recently had a baby but otherwise I work from home self employed with my own cake decorating business....less of the judgement for a simple topic 🤨

OP posts:

Thatsplentyjack · 05/12/2021 17:01

@CallmeHendricks

Where were the 5 kids when you were having this intimate morning at 10 in the morning, and how come you were visible through the front door window pane?

Exactly what I was wondering!

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 17:02

@Hercisback

Your parents sound too much.

You're an unmarried SAHM with 5 kids so you may be wise to keep them onside in case you need them.

That’s so judgey. After twelve years whats that got to do with anything? not everyone believes in marriage

Butchyrestingface · 05/12/2021 17:03

@Finknottlesnewt

Not really what this thread is about though, is it?

Surely not every thread has to turn into an advice sesh for the unmarrieds.

woodhill · 05/12/2021 17:06

Are your dps retired OP

They sound a bit too much, ils used to be a bit like that when mine were young, would call in wanting to see the dcs and not give us any warning.

hiredandsqueak · 05/12/2021 17:06

That would be way too much for me and my adult children. I don't go to their houses unless invited and they text before they turn up here which is just good manners if you ask me. It sounds like your dm is bored and lonely, can you point her in the direction of clubs or classes so she has more social contact with other people and not so reliant on you?

Original poster

Totalmadness30 · 05/12/2021 17:07

And thankyou to the ones who have actually offered advice and not passed judgement on things completely irrelevant 👏☺️

OP posts:

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 17:10

@Totalmadness30

And thankyou to the ones who have actually offered advice and not passed judgement on things completely irrelevant 👏☺️

I’m with you. I’ve been with my ‘husband’ since we were teenagers. Our marriage isn’t legal in uk terms but our relationship is far stronger than my parents. Who were married. But should never have been. Solidarity.

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 17:10

OP,
Your parents are not only nosey parkers but voyeurs to boot

You need to have a serious talk with them after you've unearthed your boundaries.

Please do it soon, this is a ridiculous situation

Original poster

Totalmadness30 · 05/12/2021 17:14

Sorry that being unmarried is such a bad thing...I forgot that being married means your better in some way and have complete stability...not like marriages don't ever end, divorces or affairs? Is that just the unmarried women then 🤦🤣

OP posts:

godmum56 · 05/12/2021 17:14

Why has it taken you so long to address this?

A580Hojas · 05/12/2021 17:16

Wow! 5 kids including a 5 week old and you were having an intimate moment at 10 in the morning. You're game .

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 17:17

@Totalmadness30

It’s not

they sound like hyacinth bucket. Richaaaaard!!! Ignore them

Saysama · 05/12/2021 17:19

Have you told your parents to stop? You’re an adult with agency and a voice, but the post reads like you’re just letting them do as they wish and then steaming about it.

Needspace21 · 05/12/2021 17:20

Are they trying to help as you have a new baby and they are worried about you?

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