PSA to all grandparents

[PigeonLittle]

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

My chikdrens grandparents got involved and spoke to the children as did some aunts and my child got the same thing from everyone one year! Other times tgey got things i didnt want or have space for in my house. Be careful what you wish for.

Maybe people could just talk and reach an agreement. I asked DSs and their wife/parter what they'd like to do, I gave them options like I buy something, they suggest what I buy, I send money and they buy something or I send money and they save it for something they might want later in the year or just to the savings for their future.

Family 1, DIL loves to shop, loves buying for the children and has very definite idea on what to buy them. Fine I send the money.
Family 2, DS and DIL say children have enough add it to savings and I give them something small, probably chocolate. Fine I send the money.
Family3. No children yet, I pick presents.
Family 4, No children yet, like to "do" things, they live quite along way and we can't see them at Christmas due to his job so I send money and at some point it will go towards threatre tickets/special meal/hotel for a weekend away. Fine I send the money.

Every one is different and it is all easily solved by talking.

@MeredithGreyishblue

I have to buy them and then take them to my mum's . I really don't know why. She's retired. She drives. She uses Amazon & M&S online regularly.

I, however, work full time and have a family to look after. And a life.

But no, "when are you driving the hour's round trip to drop off the gifts you chose and bought for my grandchildren so I can wrap them?"

There's absolutely no reason she can't come up with a few ideas, check they don’t already have it and order it herself. It's such odd behaviour

So how does the conversation go where you're forced to buy these presents and drive them to your Mom's?

I am the person who thinks of all the Christmas presents - stocking presents for the boys - and now ds1’s fiancée, plus dh’s stocking, and all the Christmas presents too - even my own present from dh - including the presents for his family. Plus dh and I both have December birthdays, so I have to decide what I want for my birthday and what dh would like for his. The only things dh does unaided, without a safety net, are my stocking fillers.

If I’m honest, I do find this a big mental load - although I have found some ways to make it a bit easier, over the years - and I wouldn't appreciate having to provide present ideas for other people too.

I’m not complaining - well, not too much - dh does a massive amount around the house, and looks after me (especially since I got covid and long covid), and the Christmas planning is his one big blind spot, and I know that it is the least I can do - but it does give me sleepless nights, in the run up to Christmas.

I think lists are a good idea / unfortunately MIL can’t even do that and spends money on stuff that doesn’t fit/is shit. I’ve given up.
We just have a carrier bag and it goes to the charity shop.

@ferneytorro

Completely agree, it's just thoughtless. Same for my present - what do you want, I want you to spend 5 minutes thinking of a gift for me as I am your only child and surely you can think of something. I would also like you to (on the rare occasion my husband has told you something to get) not say to me very proudly "I've got you a present", I would also like you to wrap it up and also give it to me rather than placing it on a table and saying "your present is there". I'd also like you not to be immensely proud and mention the fact that you have wrapped said present as if that's akin to inventing a cure for some major disease. I'd also like not to be told "I want to get you something for your (milestone) birthday so tell me what you want" thereby forcing me to think of something meaningful that I have to keep. I'd also like to stop buying you very thoughtful presents every birthday, Christmas and mothers day when it is not reciprocated (appreciate that's completely within my control!) I's also like you not to pass of giving money instead of presents as you "being practical". I'd also really like to not have a repeat of getting a more thoughtful birthday card off a colleague at work than you. Admittedly only happened once but was not a good feeling although to be fair you did say "I've not got you a birthday card". Why I didn't say why I don't know! Ooh that hit a nerve!!

Maybe she's trying to give you a hint that she'd like you to ask her what she'd like instead of the very thoughtful presents that you buy that she thinks are a waste of money.

@fakereview

I agree with you. In fact I broke down and had a rant at my Mum when she asked, yet again, for lists for me, DH and the kids. Every year I have to spend hours researching and providing links to the perfect gifts for me, DH, DD and DS, at a range of prices and with enough gifts so that both sets of grandparents, uncles aunts etc, can all buy at least two gifts

Hours? Really? If someone asked me what ds would like I thought about it, googled it (or more likely, checked on Amazon) and sent link. 5-10 minutes work maximum. How can it take hours?

Honestly people on MN do like to make mountains out of molehills of work.

@fakereview Did you read the bit where it said they had to be across price ranges, and enough for each family member to buy at least 2? That's 20 gifts per list, so a total of 80 gifts. And that's before I've bought any myself!! Not to mention I actually put effort in to make sure the gifts are actually something the kids will enjoy and treasure, rather than any old toot off Amazon.

This would not work at all in my family. Some of them are abroad, and some are recovering from being in intensive care, or caring for others who are.

Ds is 26, and my Mum still expects me to sort presents for dh and ds and me from her, plus sort her present, ensure that her Christmas and New Year are all catered for, and in past years, drive from Brussels to the Devon/Cornwall borders to pick her up for Christmas and take her back in the New Year.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Seriously don’t do this, don’t justify why you do it by saying your DH compensates and if I was your DS fiancée I would be pissed off that you helped with my present. And worse you are setting her up for the same fate as you if he can’t choose presents and doesn’t see it as his responsibility. Do you want her to be the person who has to choose your gift or even her own?

they constantly harass me (me, not their son!) from October as to what to buy from it. They don't get the concept that they can just choose anything and it will be fine, they want every choice validated.

It's also DHs birthday in December and they like to buy him tons of 'stuff' for birthday and Christmas, so I get harassed from October about that as well. Seriously harassed with multiple emails, sometimes on a daily basis. It's not enough to say 'a new brown leather belt, size medium'. That would prompt multiple emails about what shade of brown, what type of leather, what pattern etc, with numerous links and a long discussion of each one. Every single item is like that.

Why don’t you say, politely - ask DH, he could probably give you a list.

If he doesn’t, that’s his choice and their problem.

Just stop acquiescing to it.

You’re not his mum!

"It's the thought that counts" is key here.

No thought being put in by the purchaser takes away the whole point of gift buying.

am absolutely sick to the back teeth of doing it every fucking year

Then why do it?

I'll admit I haven't read the full thread, but the entitlement and ingratitude of some posters is breathtaking. Focus on the true meaning of Christmas and may God bless you all.

This is a very strange thread . So many of you having a rant about your mothers [the fathers are hardly mentioned] . Do they know what you actually think of them , the vitriol is hurtling out .

@WulyJmpr

"It's the thought that counts" is key here.

No thought being put in by the purchaser takes away the whole point of gift buying.

Or a lot of thought by asking for suggestions so they know they are getting something that will be truly appreciated and enjoyed.

Calm down.

My mum spends loads of time with my DC.

Talks to them most days.

Has holidays with them. They sleep at hers often etc etc.

She still always checks with me what to buy.

Just like how my DH and I check with each other before buying their gifts.

My mum will be here with us Xmas day. So we all want to be sure there aren't duplicate gifts.

We do lists but dh coordinates and my parents order, wrap and bring items. Pil only order from Amazon and refuse any other websites ask they might be dodgy (Argos, New Look and Curry’s were all deemed unacceptable so dh was asked to order and money transferred - this means all the wrapping falls to us rather than retired pil so that frustrates me). That said, we live 4 hours away so getting that involved that they know what they have and their interest would be logistically hard and to be honest, too full on. I can barely choose clothes dd1 likes and I know her well (but she’s 13 and unpredictable).

I guess it all depends on individual circumstances. Suggesting ideas I have no issue but the actual shopping and wrapping … I have no time to do that on top of everything else.
I’m very lucky though, neither grandparents would expect this, in fact would be more likely to offer to help me shop/ wrap as all retired with more time. I do really appreciate how lucky I am though.

In fairness to the dses, @Faevern, they take after me, not their father, when it comes to choosing presents. I never have to give them ideas, and I didn’t mean to imply that I’ve ever had to help them choose presents for their girlfriends/fiancée.

Who said this was the season of goodwill??
Tell the OP.

I am 100% with you OP.

None of my parents/PIL/aunts/godparents or indeed anyone else is either sick, isolating, away, or have any other whataboutery condition that would stop them from choosing presents for my children themselves. I have 25 people to buy for and choose them all myself every year. It's hard enough choosing presents for my own children myself before having to come up with suggestions for multiple other people to give them.

I have in the past been pressured into choosing, ordering, paying for and wrapping my children's presents from my PIL. They never paid me back. Fuck that. "What would DC like? Oh that looks great, if you could just order it and I'll pay you back, oh did you add gift wrapping? No? Oh if you could just wrap it and say it's from us." Then I had to get DC to write a thank you letter to say thank you for something they had no involvement in choosing or even paying for!

It's is honestly one of the things that winds me up the most about Christmas. And why is it always me that's asked no matter if it's DH's family??

Arghhhh I could go on and on about this! I think it's a very marmite topic!

@NoSquirrels

This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t ones.

Some people hate not being asked for a list or ideas. And most kids do have a list, after all.
Those people can get very cross or rather sniffy about gifts if their relatives ‘go rogue’ and don’t buy exactly what’s required.

Other people hate to be dictated to and actively don’t want ideas, and hate being asked for a list themselves.

It’s a minefield.

It doesn't have to be a minefield if both adults are reasonable. You just have to ask. "Is there anything you've got in mind that I could buy the kids for Christmas, or are you happy for me to just get something I fancy?" And if you're considering buying anything really messy, large or noisy, maybe also run that past them. I don't think that is difficult if the relationship is good. And if it's not, it's probably not going to matter either way.

My parents are still working full time. My father is a Corporate Banker in New York and my mother has her own legal practice in Nice, on the Cote D'zur. My father is very generous but my mother's attitude is, they are your kids not mine. I don't have time to fart so if you can't at least give me an idea of what is suitable then I'm not going to waste my money. I swear my kids ( kids !, 18, 16 and 14 ) have a better relationship with her PA than they do with her. But to be fair, they have an amazing relationship with my fathers PA too. It's a different world.

I’ve bought for a grandson, three great nephews and two great nieces and had a lovely time choosing the perfect gift for each of them. I did check one of the things isn’t a duplicate.

My grandson’s mother used to ask for quite expensive toys and often my daughter would spot her selling them soon after.

This year I’ve bought him something he’ll love but is quite noisy. 💕

Some of you do have a really horrible attitude and need to get over yourselves.