PSA to all grandparents

[PigeonLittle]

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

Completely agree, it's just thoughtless. Same for my present - what do you want, I want you to spend 5 minutes thinking of a gift for me as I am your only child and surely you can think of something. I would also like you to (on the rare occasion my husband has told you something to get) not say to me very proudly "I've got you a present", I would also like you to wrap it up and also give it to me rather than placing it on a table and saying "your present is there". I'd also like you not to be immensely proud and mention the fact that you have wrapped said present as if that's akin to inventing a cure for some major disease.
I'd also like not to be told "I want to get you something for your (milestone) birthday so tell me what you want" thereby forcing me to think of something meaningful that I have to keep.
I'd also like to stop buying you very thoughtful presents every birthday, Christmas and mothers day when it is not reciprocated (appreciate that's completely within my control!)
I's also like you not to pass of giving money instead of presents as you "being practical".
I'd also really like to not have a repeat of getting a more thoughtful birthday card off a colleague at work than you. Admittedly only happened once but was not a good feeling although to be fair you did say "I've not got you a birthday card". Why I didn't say why I don't know!
Ooh that hit a nerve!!

YADDDDNBU

The acting as a go between, slight awkwardness of trying to ascertain how much they want to spend (yes, DM, I do have a Christmas list for DD but it mainly consists of £200 North Face jackets and MacBooks), the buying, the arranging for them to reimburse me, taking delivery ... and then FUCKING WRAPPING THE THINGS. And that's on top of buying mine and DH's gifts from them (and DH never knows what he wants) and going through the same rigmarole. All whilst holding down 2 jobs and usual household/child management.

I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of doing it every fucking year!

Choosing to have kids means you organise presents. From you! Not everybody else. Do you have kids? If only Christmas parties and assemblies meant that you could just turn up. Costumes

I have one child. I still don't see how all of that can be so much work. For things like nativity plays ds only had them in infants and they were fairly sensible and only asked for things like a grey t-shirt to be a mouse. As an example. Anyway I thought all the nativity plays were cancelled this year.

If it was more complicated than that I found Amazon a help. Or got DH to sort it out as he is better at that sort of thing than I am. That of course is the other option - stop moaning about the GPs daring to ask very sensible questions and get your DH to prepare for the kids' endless assemblies and parties. Or pay a VA!

Same for my present - what do you want, I want you to spend 5 minutes thinking of a gift for me as I am your only child and surely you can think of something

I prefer to tell people what I want so I get something I want and they don't waste their money on something I don't want.

And telling people what the kids want avoids plastic tat.

Diddums! Grandparents had the childcare, working fairies when their children, ie you, were young, life was such a breeze

Far, far more women work now than a generation ago (partly due to house prices rising far faster than wages so it's much harder to get by on one salary). Also, the number of hours both parents are socially expected to spend with their DCs is much higher now. I'm not saying life is harder in all or even many ways, but in this specific way, yes women have on average more work and childcare to do than a generation ago.

I hear you!

My inlaws always expects each daughter /in law to buy the grandkids gift wrap then and hand them over in exchange for money.

Stopped doing that as soon as kids became teenagers and said just give them money. Christmas is stressful enough as a parent doing your own shopping never mind someone else's x

I love it when family ask. I don't mind giving suggestions because normally I've drawn up a list when deciding what to buy DC myself and I have lots of spare ideas.

We don't have a lot of space and we have very generous grandparents, aunts and uncles who like to spend a lot on our DC so it's great to be able to coordinate gifts so we can ensure they fit in our house and our DC isn't overwhelmed.

The year before last, everyone contributed bits/trains for a brio railway, last year was all about Paw Patrol and this year DC will get their first proper bike from one set of grandparents and the other set will get them a bell, helmet and some magnatiles (which they also love). Aunts and uncles are buying the new Paw Patrol pups, a new duplo set and some tonies. They are all things my DC will love and, control freak that I am, I'm happy to know exactly what is coming into the house and that DC hasn't managed to convince their uncle to buy the latest huge Paw Patrol tower or an electric ride-on car.

My ex sister in law used to exchange pretty much every present she received. Far better to ask her what she wanted rather than try to work out what she would like.

I have to buy them and then take them to my mum's . I really don't know why. She's retired. She drives. She uses Amazon & M&S online regularly.

I, however, work full time and have a family to look after. And a life.

But no, "when are you driving the hour's round trip to drop off the gifts you chose and bought for my grandchildren so I can wrap them?"

There's absolutely no reason she can't come up with a few ideas, check they don’t already have it and order it herself. It's such odd behaviour

I am so glad, OP, that my children are more thoughtful than you, and my grandchildren more grateful.

Yup.
I don't have grandchildren yet, but I produced wishlists for Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles when my dc were small and I appreciate lists for my nephews an nieces from their parents now. Not because I don't spend time with them and don't know what they like, but because I don't know what other Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents are getting and don't want to duplicate. Therefore it helps to have one person co-ordinating (or, as it can be now, an Amazon wishlist).

My SiL will text me pictures from whatever shop she's in saying what about this or this or this (for my kids or husband ie her own brother). If I don't respond within about 10 mins because, you know, I'm AT WORK maybe, she gets the hump and says oh it's too late now. If I do respond I always say yes any of those would be great and then receive multiple what size/which colour/what flavour/shall I get the set/does so and so want one too requests. Drives me mental. Just fucking buy something!!

@fakereview

I agree with you. In fact I broke down and had a rant at my Mum when she asked, yet again, for lists for me, DH and the kids. Every year I have to spend hours researching and providing links to the perfect gifts for me, DH, DD and DS, at a range of prices and with enough gifts so that both sets of grandparents, uncles aunts etc, can all buy at least two gifts

Hours? Really? If someone asked me what ds would like I thought about it, googled it (or more likely, checked on Amazon) and sent link. 5-10 minutes work maximum. How can it take hours?

Honestly people on MN do like to make mountains out of molehills of work.

How can it take hours? When you are doing it properly and thinking about it carefully so that nobody wastes their money.

My parents lived with us and I usually went shopping with them anyway (shops or online) and everything was in a big pile whether from us or from my parents (never took Father Christmas seriously). My in laws on the other hand lived too far away and maybe only saw the children once a year. I much preferred it when they sent us money and we bought presents on their behalf instead of girls clothes (pastel pink and blue scarf for 13 yr old DS, Minnie Mouse for 4 yr old DS!) for the boys and clothes for the girls that would not fit.

@amsadandconfused

My darling mum always gave me money to buy the children their presents and then I would give them back to her to wrap up. I was so grateful for her generosity because when the children were younger we did not have a huge disposable income. I definitely preferred to choose the presents because I new exactly what they wanted. I also ask my daughter what she would like me to get my granddaughter. Yes I know exactly what she likes but I don’t want to duplicate. You actually come across as very rude ,ungrateful and patronising towards the grandparents. If you are generally stressed …don’t take it out on them . Maybe there is a backstory but you havnt come across very well.

I agree with the first part of this post and suspect there may be some truth in the second part. You do sound stressed OP and it’s more likely that the GPS want to get it right rather than being lazy or making things harder for you.

I am grateful to be able to pass a list to the GPS as it avoids unnecessary excess for the children and reduces spending all round - the kids get all the things they asked for but from all around the family. Its lovely when the kids love their present and show genuine enthusiasm and gratitude to their grandparents. Maybe you are feeling unappreciated and very time poor at the moment. Are there any of the extras you can offload or delegate so you feel less overwhelmed?

We used to joke that MIL would be booking her annual December hospital stay as for many years she ended up in hospital. She was there over Christmas last year. I would invariably do her shopping most years.

I didn't mind, wish I was still doing it this year.

I don't think it's asking too much to expect some sort of list, even if it's generalised suggestions. Parents know what kids already have, what they're buying them, what Santa/FC is bringing, etc. I'm not a grandparent, but as an aunt, I don't know all that. If I don't have a list, it's a total guess, so I try to give things that can be exchanged.

@MeredithGreyishblue

I have to buy them and then take them to my mum's . I really don't know why. She's retired. She drives. She uses Amazon & M&S online regularly.

I, however, work full time and have a family to look after. And a life.

But no, "when are you driving the hour's round trip to drop off the gifts you chose and bought for my grandchildren so I can wrap them?"

There's absolutely no reason she can't come up with a few ideas, check they don’t already have it and order it herself. It's such odd behaviour

But you really don’t have to.

You have fallen into the unfortunate pattern of agreeing to do this and now it is expected.

Say no!

Blimey, let’s see how you are in 20 years op. When your DCs have DCs and you have 6 DGC who you babysit for, to buy for plus your DCs and their partners & your very elderly parents who need your attention more than ever, plus working full time , keeping your own house and trying after years of bringing up kids to have a bit of me time.

YANBU at all OP.

I do produce wishlist for the kids and I'm grateful for the PIL choosing gifts from it, but they constantly harass me (me, not their son!) from October as to what to buy from it. They don't get the concept that they can just choose anything and it will be fine, they want every choice validated.

It's also DHs birthday in December and they like to buy him tons of 'stuff' for birthday and Christmas, so I get harassed from October about that as well. Seriously harassed with multiple emails, sometimes on a daily basis. It's not enough to say 'a new brown leather belt, size medium'. That would prompt multiple emails about what shade of brown, what type of leather, what pattern etc, with numerous links and a long discussion of each one. Every single item is like that.

They have an obsession about opening massive piles of presents, even the adults, so when I've tried to suggest vouchers, money or experiences they're not on board. DH doesn't want or need anything particular, so anything I do manage to think of for him I have to suggest to my in-laws.

They adore turning up to ours with those huge gift bags stuffed to the gunnels with stuff, and usually get more for the kids than we do. They being multiple wrapped gifts for all 3 kids every time we see them. It's all kind and generous blah blah but fuck I hate it! Dealing with it all from beginning to end is my job, more work for me when I really don't need it.

I loved writing my Christmas list as a child - why not make it the DC’s job, not yours?

@fabricfanatic

I don't think it's asking too much to expect some sort of list, even if it's generalised suggestions. Parents know what kids already have, what they're buying them, what Santa/FC is bringing, etc. I'm not a grandparent, but as an aunt, I don't know all that. If I don't have a list, it's a total guess, so I try to give things that can be exchanged.

Generalised suggestions I'd have no problem with. Or a text 'has X got this?' Fine, sensible even.

I do object to being asked to basically do everyone's Xmas shopping for them as well as my own, especially when GPs are retired (but not elderly or infirm!). They also spend a lot of time here, they know what they've got and what they like!

I'm not saying life is harder in all or even many ways, but in this specific way, yes women have on average more work and childcare to do than a generation ago.

Yes, and that applies to our generation too! Working until 66, while providing care to elderly parents, in our case two SN DDs, and looking after DGC, as and when needed if DDIL is working - they live 10 minutes from us.

And when do I get to do something I'm happy with? when you grow up enough to tell them directly instead of writing PA comments on MN either hoping they'll see it or assuming everyone else is the same.

When they ask tell if they really cared, they'd KNOW what the kids wanted and also what you've brought and any presents you'd veto because true love is psychic and you refuse to facilitate them spending money in your kids any more.

It's the thought that counts.

So do your own bloody thinking!!

Asking me to do it for you shows zero thought.

YANBU

I never did this. Just said I had enough to think of and buy . But, I was equally prepared to accept that what they would buy might miss the mark. To me, they get what they get and show gratitude. I used to get a writing set and soap every year from my grandma.