Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PSA to all grandparents

352 replies

PigeonLittle · 05/12/2021 14:05

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

OP posts:
PurpleHydrangea1 · 05/12/2021 17:18

YABU. My parents are very involved with my kids. They still ask. Especiall as otherwise, there'd be absolutely mountains of tat that wouldn't get played with. Prefer to give ideas I know will be played with.

I ask my bro and SIL so things aren't replicated.

TheBoots · 05/12/2021 17:18

I agree with you. In fact I broke down and had a rant at my Mum when she asked, yet again, for lists for me, DH and the kids. Every year I have to spend hours researching and providing links to the perfect gifts for me, DH, DD and DS, at a range of prices and with enough gifts so that both sets of grandparents, uncles aunts etc, can all buy at least two gifts.

No fucker extends me the same courtesy, so I also have to find gifts for all of them!

It's basically asking you to do their Christmas shopping for you. It's lazy. My Mum said "You'll not get a gift at this rate if you don't send me your list!" and I snapped and told her that that was just fine, her Christmas gift to me was not asking me to do a poxy list again.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:20

@Nonnymum

I know my grandchildren very well , we look after them, spend time with them and take them shopping but I don't want to buy them anything they already have or something their parents plan to give them. They all have their own wish lists. Their mother sent them to me. It didn't take her long.
^^This
Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:22

@PlumManor

I hate to tell you, it doesn’t get easier. My parents were very involved but I still get the “what can I get xx” for my DS and DD, and “what can I get your DH”

It drives me insane, I don’t even know what to get them myself without thinking for everyone else too.

And do you get exactly what your parents want, or do you have to ask?
NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 17:23

No fucker extends me the same courtesy, so I also have to find gifts for all of them!

Do you ask them?

10yearwarranty · 05/12/2021 17:24

Don't you realise that people do this so that they don't duplicate or overshadow presents from the parents?

lesenfantsdelesperance · 05/12/2021 17:25

@fakereview

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe

That just sounds like normal life to me. You did choose to have kids I assume. And how much work is involved in going to a Christmas party or assembly?

Just send the GPs an email with a few ideas of things the kids would like and move on. Takes 5 minutes.

Choosing to have kids means you organise presents. From you! Not everybody else. Do you have kids? If only Christmas parties and assemblies meant that you could just turn up. Costumes!
TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons · 05/12/2021 17:25

Not just grandparents, great aunts and uncles too. Ask them!

lesenfantsdelesperance · 05/12/2021 17:26

@10yearwarranty

Don't you realise that people do this so that they don't duplicate or overshadow presents from the parents?
You come up with an idea, and check with the parents. It's not that hard.
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 05/12/2021 17:26

Haven't RTFT but yes OP, I agree completely! There is barely a month in the year that I am not plagued by requests from in-laws for lists of gift ideas for DH/DD/DS/me for birthdays and Christmas.

Stellaris22 · 05/12/2021 17:27

Going on days out regularly doesn't really work when grandparents (both sets) live 300 miles away. Not everyone has the convenience of free childcare for the luxury of getting to know grandchildren better.

TankFlyBoss · 05/12/2021 17:30

Our grandparents are crap too, not about presents, but generally crap. I hear you.

Walkingthedog46 · 05/12/2021 17:34

Sparepantsandtoothbrush - totally agree!

UselessCat · 05/12/2021 17:34

This year I suggested that my parents choose my 3 year old some socks (she loves socks, weirdly!). I quickly regretted that after 3 days of being sent links and photos of socks. 28 different messages! About fucking socks.

butterpuffed · 05/12/2021 17:36

@SSOYS

Every other thread on here is people grumping about grandparents buying too many presents or the wrong stuff and not asking for pointers, and now here’s one grumping about grandparents who do ask. Perhaps they’d all be better addressed to individual family members rather than everyone but that family member!
The people on here having a typical MN moan have obviously forgotten that we were parents like them before we were grandparents.

They don't think we ever had any problems just like them at Christmas . No, of course we didn't Hmm

Walkingthedog46 · 05/12/2021 17:37

GreebolsMySpiritAnimal - tough life innit?.

TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons · 05/12/2021 17:38

DM now gives me money for clothes for the DSs as well, because apparently I'm "too strict about their clothes". No, they just don't share her taste in clothes. I've told her what to buy, but she'd rather give me the money, despite the fact that we only have Sainsbury's to buy clothes from round here.

nokidshere · 05/12/2021 17:39

asking for a few ideas, or even a list, so that a GP can buy, wrap and deliver a gift themselves- totally Ok sending parents a cheque and saying 'buy them something will you, from me, and wrap it'- not OK

What's wrong with just saying 'no it's ok, if you are sending money they can go just and choose something for themselves after Christmas'

Twixxed · 05/12/2021 17:40

I hear you, it's a lot of work and stress. But overall I think yabu. They probably want to make sure they're not buying something you hate or that the kids already have. Do you have a partner? I find it helps to at least get my partner to deal with all these type of enquiries from his family!

nokidshere · 05/12/2021 17:40

This year I suggested that my parents choose my 3 year old some socks (she loves socks, weirdly!). I quickly regretted that after 3 days of being sent links and photos of socks. 28 different messages! About fucking socks.

Again what's wrong with just saying 'any or all of those thanks' takes two seconds

saraclara · 05/12/2021 17:41

Grandparents can't do anything right on MN. Get involved and they're interfering and controlling. Have their own lives/give parents space and they're neglectful. Try and find out what the kids want and they're criticised. Don't ask and they're arrogant and uninterested. You'd be whining if they got your children something unsuitable or not to your taste OP.

Yep. I'm suddenly realising how unfair I was being when I was in OP's position and moaning about having to give my ideas for my kids to other people.

I'm a grandma now, and even though I see my DGD regularly, they usually visit me, so I'm not up to date with what toys they have in the house. And yes, I know she loves Hello Duggee, but there's not THAT much merch to do with him (and what there is, is mostly crappy). So yes, I've asked my DD for advice and suggestions (and felt a bit bad doing so).
However, I don't ask her to shop or wrap for me. I just don't want to get duplicates/get the wrong things.

But basically OP, don't expect Grandparents to be mind readers or to be intimately acquainted with every toy that your child already has. We want to please our DGCs and see their faces light up at their present from us, not to get a sad look from them because they already have it, or an eye roll for their parents because we were supposed to know that they're no longer into whatever character we bought.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 17:43

@TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons

DM now gives me money for clothes for the DSs as well, because apparently I'm "too strict about their clothes". No, they just don't share her taste in clothes. I've told her what to buy, but she'd rather give me the money, despite the fact that we only have Sainsbury's to buy clothes from round here.
And no access to the internet?
Stellaris22 · 05/12/2021 17:45

I wonder if OP would change her tune if grandparents bought nothing instead.

It's much better to ask then end up with plastic (expensive) rubbish that gets played with once and then ignored.

Although I'm not sure why OP feels the need to stress all the stuff they do, it's not like they are the only parent who has to do what they do! Or is it a 'look how busy I am' post.

fakereview · 05/12/2021 17:46

I agree with you. In fact I broke down and had a rant at my Mum when she asked, yet again, for lists for me, DH and the kids. Every year I have to spend hours researching and providing links to the perfect gifts for me, DH, DD and DS, at a range of prices and with enough gifts so that both sets of grandparents, uncles aunts etc, can all buy at least two gifts

Hours? Really? If someone asked me what ds would like I thought about it, googled it (or more likely, checked on Amazon) and sent link. 5-10 minutes work maximum. How can it take hours?

Honestly people on MN do like to make mountains out of molehills of work.

LegoPandemic · 05/12/2021 17:48

As a parent it isn’t difficult to think of a couple of presents and allocate them to grandparents. It is important that the grandparents but exactly what is allocated though. I tend to buy it for them and they give me the money. Both also buy bits like clothes and books off their own bat.