SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face."

So she's only been TTC for around six months? Wow, then she's being massively fucking unreasonable and behaving like a ridiculous diva/narc.

Unless she's stuggling mentally after a recent MC then she needs to get a bloody grip. She needs telling that in no uncertain terms, too.

Try seeing her in person or on the phone rather than texts, and tell her gently but assertively that while you understand she's feeling a bit fragile, she's being completely unreasonable to word things as she has.

Say 'so are you going to avoid my children and all children for the foreseeable future then? Because this is about more than just Christmas. If you don't want to come we'll be disappointed but we understand. However, please don't put pressure on your parents to change their plans. That's not fair on them or us.'

But be prepared for your in laws to pander to her and bail on you on Christmas Day.

She has been trying TTC for less than 6 months and now she is making a drama out of it because she wants to be centre of attention ? text her back saying "fine by me" that will burst her bubble. Don't pay into her hands. In the future remember she is not your friend.

She has every right to pull out for whatever reason she wants but it’s not fair that she expects her parents to also pull out. They will also want to see their grandchildren which is probably what she’s jealous of which is why she doesn’t want them going to yours.

I would reply that you are sorry she’s not coming but that you understand however you will not be telling PIL not to come as they’ve already made plans to come to yours and it’s not fair to make them choose.

I would be kind but firm as I think it’s very unfair she’s bringing your PIL into this.

Could she possibly have had an early miscarriage and not spoken about it? She maybe has had bad news in the past that is making her think her struggles to conceive may not work.
I am so sorry for your loses I can understand why her comments could really hurt.

I think it’s very rude to say the phrase “rubbed in their face “

She sounds very selfish tbh.

It took me years to conceive and no way did I avoid other family members because of our problems.

But I agree take the high road and let your PIL make their own decision.

How frustrating and annoying for so many reasons. Not least it's actually getting kinda close to Xmas now and some folk will already have ordered food for the big day knowing numbers being catered for etc.

But yes, if you can manage to reply as gracefully as possible you'll be the better person even tho I can see why her comment stung.

For PILs maybe just note back to SIL that none of them coming would be a real shame as everyone was looking forward to seeing them too (tempting to mention seeing their niece/nephew/grandchildren, but that may be perceived as inflammatory by her just now) - and that you'll follow up separately with ILs as you will want to still see them at some point over the hols to celebrate a bit, be together & for gift exchange etc so you'll chat with them about what they want to do. And that she should let you know if/when she might want to meet up to do the same. Maybe this might gently make her realise that she's potentially cutting herself off from future opportunities to get together with family....

Dearie me, what if she really does have infertility issues and the TTC stage goes on for years as it does for many - this could be all future xmases so better to try and nip in the bud if at all possible

It's a way of SIL turning attention away from your family (children). Six months is not a long time TTC and her comments to you, despite what you've been through, just show her up for the selfish little twat she is. She probably envisaged herself stealing the show with her bump or perhaps an announcement.

Let her do her thing, your DH's relationship is strained with her for a reason!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
How sad the in laws may miss a Christmas with their two young grandchildren. Yes

She has been trying TTC for less than 6 months and now she is making a drama out of it because she wants to be centre of attention ? text her back saying "fine by me" that will burst her bubble. Don't pay into her hands. In the future remember she is not your friend.

And definitely this. She wants drama.

It will be interesting to know what the Ils do.

Can't help think that they'll choose their daughter & justify it by saying Op's parents will be there so they won't be "alone" as their daughter & her husband would.

I can understand why this hurts, and especially what you have been through. But on the other hand, it sounds like your SIL is hurting a lot too. Six months may not be a long time but he grand scheme of things, but it doesn't my mean that for some people, this period of not getting pregnant won't spark strong fears about it never happening. I can understand that it hurts right now, but I would let it go and maybe have a chat with her sometime to see what's going on (if she wants to share).

I totally see it from both sides. I suffered an emergency ectopic and ended up doing ivf. After a long and painful time I now have a wonderful baby and another on the way. I Do consider myself fortunate actually. An old very close friend has stopped speaking to me (she’s TTC doing ivf etc) and whilst I’m very hurt by it, I understand that she’s in a desperately sad situation and it’s consuming her. Please try not to take it personally, although I understand totally how you feel x

Also she may have been trying longer than six months. I was actually trying for 7 years and was too ashamed to tell anyone

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way

I'd say that paragraph has your explanation.

Less than six months TTC is not infertility but worrying that you might have a problem could explain not wanting to be around children. However that doesn't give anyone a free pass on being an arse about it.

I don't see either why you need to act as intermediary between DH and his sister when she apparently gives so little thought to you.

She’s being a drama queen, trying for 6 months isn’t that long, these things take time? Of course she’s wrong to expect MIL/FIL to not spend Christmas with their grandchildren just because she doesn’t want to be around kids.

OP she's been an absolute nasty person doing this. Sorry but posters suggesting it's ok somethings wrong with them.

It's downright mean, selfish and narcissist for your sister to behave like that.

And that's coming from someone who has been TTC two years and had losses and still not successful.

You have to understand the world goes on, even if you are unsuccessfully TTC.

@ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou

I am not sure the etopic etc is even relevant it's her attitude to ops dc I think is mostly insulating to the the dc!!

Dear x and y auntie can't be around you beca
^^^^^
This is what I was trying to say.
Op despite all your very sad and painful struggles you have got not one but 2 wonderful and amazing children.
Yes sil put it badly but if you were in her position wouldn't you feel the same ?
She is being a Dama queen and attention / reassurance seeking with the rest.
Her db has out done her not once, but twice. (Sibling rivalry has a lot to answer for)
It's not easy , and I can only say this with much maturity I wish I'd treated people differently back then.
But in your place I would remind myself that i don't need sil validation for my pain. It's my pain , it's real and it's hurts, but I am and I can deal with it and then I would think about my kids.
As regards to sil I'd talk to her and say that 'you understand how she feels (even if you don't) but that you sure it will happen for her (babies) but you and your children especially would love to see her. Make her feel valued. Aunts can be very important to children.
I'm competitive but really it's just about feeling valued.
(And I couldn't miss out on little kids at Christmas )

Also she may have been trying longer than six months. I was actually trying for 7 years and was too ashamed to tell anyone

I thought this was a strong possibility too. Even so, the OP is not a mind reader and if it hasn't been made known then how on earth is she supposed to react when told she's rubbing her good fortune in the face of a woman who, as far as everyone knows, is not infertile and has only been TTC for six months? Especially after several miscarriages it's an outrageously insensitive and self-indulgent thing to say.

[quote Chamomileteaplease]@gloriousgolden
In answer to your specific question as to whether to say something regarding her alluding to your "good fortune" IMO yes you should. Otherwise it will eat you up. It can still be measured. You dont' have to lash out!

I liked your saying how your good fortune came with a lot of misfortune.

Yes she is suffering but she can still be pulled up on her being hurtful to others.

I think a mixture of the brilliant bland sentence offered by a PP plus your one regarding your misfortune will sort the matter .[/quote]
Agree with this,

It’s all in the back story and the wording she has used, the historic competitiveness with her DB, being used to getting her own way “rubbing face in it” “good fortune”…. There’s a note of entitlement that she deep down feels she should/deserves to get things first, life doesn’t always work that way.

A nice person could articulate their own feelings about being around the children (however premature her worries seem to be) without sticking the boot in to you or compromising the parents in this way.

I agree with PP about not working/interfering to try to improve your DH relationship with her but likewise holding back on striking back or creating a drama triangle. Calm, cool, kindness with boundaries, don’t feed the drama.

I also think, as a separate offer to any of the Christmas stuff, reminding her that you have experienced various forms of infertility/pregnancy loss and are here to talk if she needs to might be a good thing to do.

I could understand it if she’d been trying for years, but since June?!! She’s being ridiculous.

Well, SIl is a piece of work.

Trying casually for a few months isn't infertility. And knowing what you've been through to have yours (so sorry, OP), her flip 'good fortune' comment is nasty. And to top it off, she doesn't want your husband's parents, your children's grandparents, to spend Christmas with any of you either.,

She sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed cow who didn't 'win' having grandchildren first, even though she wasn't married or ready to start trying to have them until this year.

Please don't tell her you 'understand'. Just tell her blandly she'll be missed, but tell your inlaws they're still welcome to come. She's chosen to exile herself from Christmas; your inlaws shouldn't have to go into it with her.

@BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months . I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

This

@IamGusFring

Where is all the "be kind" in this ? Maybe in Aug she felt she would be up to it but as time has gone on she just can't ? How would you feel about someone with social anxiety , cancer , depression feeling they just can't do it ? It's not a fertility competition with you and her or whose anguish is the greater . Your comments show that maybe you would not be the best person for her to spend Christmas with .

#bekind was always bs. In this perspective though, she's entitled to being sad after 5 months of ttc - but not to split up the family over Christmas or to say that someone who's had an ectopic pregnancy, tubal removal and a loss at 16 weeks is 'rubbing her good fortune in her face'. Can guarantee that someone so self centred had no sympathy for op when she was going through all.this herself.

Yup. If she went to all the effort to talk to you about coming off the pill in the summer, she cannot claim to have been TTC longer than a few months.

That's not infertility. That's normal.

Go with the bland "fine. Thanks for letting me know" etc. I would NOT say I understood, as well, I wouldn't.

AND make sure your in laws know they are welcome. I wouldn't put it past someone like your SIL to say to them that you completely understand and are supportive of them all partying away from the grandchildren.

Its really positive that you and your SIL have a good relationship especially given she has a difficult relationship with her brother so it indicates she would like to repair that in some way. However, I would be mindful of setting loving but firm boundaries with her - if you tolerate her lashing out at you because she is upset at things not working out for her, you may well start setting up a pattern of how the relationship will go in the future. As close family I imagine you see yourselves being long term close family in connections. For that reason I think its important that you set a precedent. I would empathise completely with her distress, I would encourage her that 6 months isnt long and I would share any similarities you had but I would let her know her comments were hurtful and although you are now blessed with children, the road was not easy. I would also say you are saddened that other family members and being asked to choose between people and hope she will deal with that more sensitively. I would then remind her she can change her mind up to the last minute and there will be no hard feelings. For me there are no hall passes for hurtful behaviour.