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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

583 replies

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP posts:
Cyrilgoggin · 05/12/2021 08:51

If she doesn't want to come that's up to her, although unless there is something we don't know it's all very dramatic. But if she tries to stop her parents spending Christmas with her grandchildren that's very very selfish.

Cyrilgoggin · 05/12/2021 08:51

Sorry, their grandchildren.

mugglenutmeg · 05/12/2021 08:51

She doesn't sound very nice OP, even though you've tried to be polite about her. Do you really want to be that close to her, even considering her and your DH obviously have issues?

There's nothing else you can do but respond kindly and say you understand.

Make sure PIL's know you graciously understand the situation, but gently remind them that your 4YO is a brilliant age and loving Christmas, it would be a pity to miss out.

I'm guessing this isn't the first time they've been torn between their two children who don't get along.

Porcupineintherough · 05/12/2021 08:53

Fine if she doesnt want to come. Not fine to send that message. Not fine to try and dissuade her parents from attending. She sounds like a bitch.

Whatinthelord · 05/12/2021 08:53

Given your DH doesn’t have a good relationship with her I wouldn’t even bother pulling her up on the comment about good fortune. Instead I’d just send something along the lines of “thanks for letting us know”…..then to be honest I’d minimise any contact with her. If your DH and her don’t have a good relationship then there’s no point communicating in any more depth. I also wouldn’t invite her for Xmas ever again.

I would, however, be annoyed if your in laws cancelled so late.
I’d communicate directly with them about that though…or rather let your Dh communicate with them about it.

Immaculatemisconception · 05/12/2021 08:53

They’ve been trying for such a short time, it’s not infertility it’s a completely normal situation.

She’s chosen some very unfortunate words but you can rise above what she’s said. Take a deep breath and rejoice in the fact that you don’t have to spend Christmas with such a tactless individual and the bonus is, less work.

Be the bigger person and move on.

mugglenutmeg · 05/12/2021 08:53

...can I just add after 5 months of trying she's not suffering infertility, at this stage shes just being self absorbed and jealous. It's an insult to all those who are genuinely struggling to conceive and have been for years.

Looubylou · 05/12/2021 08:55

This is not just about fertility and babies - you have SOMETHING she wants, and you and her not so close brother got it first, along with all the positive attention from her parents. Her wording is disgraceful - are you supposed to hide your children away? However, I agree with PP - take the high ground. You have suffered too, but your children make all the difference. Don't get involved with the GP decision. I feel sorry for them though. Your children have your family coming, so they are not missing out. I'd say something like, OK, obviously want you to have a nice day. We'd still love you to come if you do change your mind, xx

itsgettingwierd · 05/12/2021 08:57

"If you do t want to come for Xmas I respect your decision. However please allow PIL to make their own choices about the day".

It may be that from now on the PIL alternate xmas with their ds and dd. What their dd needs to accept is if they decline this xmas with you (your youngest first) and have next year at yours - that will happen even if she has her first by then.

Roselilly36 · 05/12/2021 08:59

@PieMistee

Let it go. Enjoy Christmas with your kids. Potentially without the stress of family. Make a few special traditions. You won't know her full story or pain. And it's and added level of hard when family members have already had kids and your trying to conceive. Be the bigger person. Be graticious and happy you don't have to cook for everyone!
This ^^
saraclara · 05/12/2021 09:02

"I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now, hope to see you soon under other circumstances"

Send this. It would kill me not to reply in kind, but I'd be thinking of the in-laws on this case. If you reply with anything that she can take badly, it's all going to escalate, and they'll be dragged into taking sides.

Meanwhile encourage your in-laws to keep to the arrangement, even if it's just for part of the day. They won't want to miss seeing their grandkids I'm sure. And they stand more chance of being able to if WW3 hasn't broken out between you and SIL.

Newmumatlast · 05/12/2021 09:02

Just realised its only been 5 months. That isn't even an unexplained infertility scenario. Thats just normal. So I would not feel the need to be as sensitive. That said, I would not go to the levels of response others have suggested. Be polite and say you're sorry she feels that way, the invitation still stands if she and her husband want to attend, but that you understand. However, you do understand more than most the difficulties of conceiving given your losses which you wouldn't consider to be good fortune. If she wants to talk you're here for her and to try not to worry as 1-2 years is normal ttc.

whenthedoveslie · 05/12/2021 09:04

I find her message barbed and spiteful. TTC since June isn't anything other than TTC.

Instead of seeing her niece(s)/nephew(s) excitement on Christmas day she has decided to spoil plans for everyone due to her not having fallen pregnant yet.

I wouldn't feel the same about her, neither would I respond.

There is a very distinct difference between the heartache of infertility and being a self-absorbed, selfish dick.

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 09:04

Also agree with pp, why are you stepping in to make a good relationship with someone your own dh isn't bothered with? Have you even asked him about how he feels?

diddl · 05/12/2021 09:05

I'd be taking a big step back from her now I think.

Will you be able to see your ILs Christmas Eve/Boxing Day or will she be wanting them for all of those days as well?

She's certainly put her parents in a tricky position of choosing her or your husband!

imonlyhooman · 05/12/2021 09:06

I wouldn't hold too much store on the good fortune comment. Perhaps she's just miscarried and feeling raw and empty.

Could you ring her and have a chat and ask if she's ok. Maybe take the pressure off and say they're welcome anytime and see how she feels nearer the time but say would she mind if PIL still come and she see them boxing day or Christmas night.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/12/2021 09:07

@gloriousgolden
In answer to your specific question as to whether to say something regarding her alluding to your "good fortune" IMO yes you should. Otherwise it will eat you up. It can still be measured. You dont' have to lash out!

I liked your saying how your good fortune came with a lot of misfortune.

Yes she is suffering but she can still be pulled up on her being hurtful to others.

I think a mixture of the brilliant bland sentence offered by a PP plus your one regarding your misfortune will sort the matter Smile.

2Rebecca · 05/12/2021 09:11

It looks as though there is a reason your husband has a poor relationship with her. I'd do a bland response and leave your inlaws to make their own decisions. I would stop contacting her though and would see it as her not wanting to spend time with us, but if she doesn't get on with her brother maybe that's not surprising

Justgorgeous · 05/12/2021 09:13

Sorry, but she’s just being bitchy and unkind and looking for a reaction, please don’t give her one. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

CovidMakesThingsHard · 05/12/2021 09:13

OP, you sound like a lovely person and of course you can take that message as shit.
To counteract all those saying they avoided babies, I was also someone 5 years into infertility, and I couldn’t avoid babies, I worked with them! So to me family acted weirdly around me as if I would steel or cry at their babies when that hurt me and acting normally and seeing other people’s joy was good for me. I appreciate I am in the minority there if those with infertility, but just wanted to give some balance. Have a lovely Christmas

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/12/2021 09:16

I can see why your husband doesn’t like her. He’s had that shit from childhood.

jacks11 · 05/12/2021 09:19

She is not suffering from infertility if they’ve only been trying for 6 months, so unless there is something else going on such as a recent miscarriage you don’t know about, I think she is being very dramatic on that count. Which comes across as somewhat attention seeking and more than a little self-centred- she can chose for herself, but she doesn’t get to decide where everyone else spends Christmas.She is also being very insensitive towards you.

That said, she feels how she feels, and came stash at home if she wants to. But how awful to put her parents in the position she has- why can’t they see their young grandchildren, if that’s what they want, just because she isn’t pregnant after a few months of trying? Of course, also up to them but the very fact she feels she can make this decree and everyone will simply acquiesce makes me think she’s used to getting her own way. I’d speak to your parents-in-law- or ask your DH to- and see if they still want to come. I suspect whatever happens now will become the pattern- I’d bet if she has a baby by next year she’ll want her parents there to make a fuss of her and the baby. And if she is unfortunate enough to still be trying in a year, i would suspect she will also need to avoid your children and demand her parents spend another Christmas with her. It’s self-centredness that’s the issue here.

I have a relative who behaved abominably as she had fertility issues- totally, utterly and wholly self-absorbed, selfish, unkind, bitter- on occasion, quite cruel- she damaged so many of her relationships and caused a lot of hurt to those around her. I think we all accepted she was hurting and tried to be understanding and tolerant- but it went far, too often- and many have kept her at arms length because infertility does not give carte Blanche to be a horrible, selfish person (although I know that is not a popular opinion on MN). Now she has her child she is not much better and it seems as though she cannot bear to see other grandchildren praised, enjoyed or spent time with. If you mention your children, she can’t shut you up fast enough. Yet, she cannot understand why everything is not as it was before. I don’t think many of her relationships will be easily repairable, TBH. I would be wary that this is going to be hard for your DH, as i suspect whatever happens, his sister will be pushing their parents to prioritise her (and her children, should she have any)- if he wants them to come, he should be honest and tell them so rather than just being polite.

Happy1982ish · 05/12/2021 09:19

This “family” Christmas sounds so unappealing

Siblings that have a strained relationship
A competitive SIL
And now a strained relationship between OP and SIL

Shudder

Tal45 · 05/12/2021 09:19

I would just say that you wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable and respect her decision and not get involved in the rest of it. It'll probably be nicer for DH not having her there anyway. The PIL can just decide for themselves and if they get guilted into going to hers then your lucky family get all the fun of your four year old to themselves. I wouldn't worry about her comments she obviously feels she 'lost' against you in the 'having kids game'. Don't let it affect you and your wonderful Christmas.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 09:20

She did stick the knife in there and she knows how to wound. It does not warrant a response; a response too is what is wanted here.

She could well be a narcissist in terms of personality and I would keep well away from her. I would urge you to look at your boundaries again with regards to this person and your ILs. Read up on NPD and see how much of that reflects in her own behaviours.

I can certainly see why your H's relationship with his sister is that bad; that all started long before you came into his life. I would also think his parents will come down on her side and not attend any invite for Christmas (after all they created this dynamic). People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your H's here could well be that of scapegoat.