SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

It's a horrible thing to say but I would rise above it and not get into a tit for tat text war.

She's tried to be hurtful and she has been. And now you know how spiteful she can be.

I would say, fine, you'll be missed. And not even mention your in laws. Your husband can speak to them and check they're still coming because you'd love to see them. If they want to know why she's now not coming, she can tell them.

No good will come of ramping this up into a family feud

She’s having a fucking laugh isn’t she implying she’s suffering from ‘infertility’ when she has only been ttc since June. In your position I’d get DH to contact his own parents and tell them how ridiculous she’s being and that they will have to make a choice between your households for Christmas now.

@StepAwayFromGoogling

MN is a really peculiar place where anyone TTC can be as much of a dick to other people as they like. I had three miscarriages between DD1 and DD2. I was absolutely devastated. At no point did I think that gave me a free pass to behave like a twat.

This

@Clymene

It's a horrible thing to say but I would rise above it and not get into a tit for tat text war.

She's tried to be hurtful and she has been. And now you know how spiteful she can be.

I would say, fine, you'll be missed. And not even mention your in laws. Your husband can speak to them and check they're still coming because you'd love to see them. If they want to know why she's now not coming, she can tell them.

No good will come of ramping this up into a family feud

I agree about just telling her that she will be missed and leave it to your dh to speak to his parents. She wants a reaction from you because she feels shitty. Don’t give her the reaction

I wouldn't say she can change her mind and come until the last minute. That is pandering to her view that she is the most important person and her feelings prioritise yours. Last minute guests are a pain. She chose a hurtful form of words. She could have opted out with less nastiness. She can choose not to come but everyone else doesn't have to pretend she is seeming to be sensible and considerate here. Don't engage in competitive victimhood with her. Accept her decision and keep a reply brief.

Do you normally get on? Sounds like an excuse not to spend Christmas with your family and have the Christmas she wants.

She sounds a bit self absorbed. Having a shit time yourself should not totally remove your ability to recognise that other people may be having/have had a shit time, particularly when it’s all around the same issue? Let her do her and you enjoy your Christmas

I'm sorry that you have been messaged this way.
In the past has SIL been good to you? Has she been supportive?
I would distance myself for a little while (to recover), but wouldn't write her off if she has been kind/supportive in the past.

Jealousy is an awful thing. She sounds really jealous of you and although she knows your back story, she is forgetting it because she has been consumed with jealousy. I have two healthy children. I am currently trying to avoid pregnant and TTC friends because it is unlikely for a number of reasons that I will have a third. It's not right and it isn't ok and it probably seems self absorbed. It seems to be a matter of self protection.

@LovePoppy - if she has been trying since June then she could be on her eight cycle now. If she is over 35 then yes, it is classed as primary infertility.

@BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months . I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

As someone who has had multiple miscarriages and eventually gave up trying I agree with this poster.

She's being selfish and overdramatic.

I can understand why this hurts, and especially what you have been through. But on the other hand, it sounds like your SIL is hurting a lot too. Six months may not be a long time but he grand scheme of things, but it doesn't my mean that for some people, this period of not getting pregnant won't spark strong fears about it never happening.

So then you say: 'sorry, I'm finding it too difficult to cope right now, so we won't be there - hope you understand', not talking about people (who have been through a shit time themselves) rubbing things in their faces and making demands about who else can go! That's what is betraying SIL as a selfish bitch, not their absence.

I can sympathise with your SIL's situation but her comment about having your "good fortune rubbed in her face" would be rude, even if you hadn't suffered the miscarriages and an early loss. I think her delay in conceiving means that she has lost all perspective and can't see past the two DC that you have - she has forgotten (or deliberately overlooked) the difficult journey you had to achieve those two DC.

Anyway, it's one thing for her to make that decision for herself and her DH but it's very controlling of her to dictate where and how her parents spend Christmas. And to deprive them of the pleasure of their grandchildren's company over the Christmas period. Not nice to put her parents into a position where they have to choose between their DC.

I think the reply suggestion from @BootsScootsAndToots was a good one - accepting her decision but also a gentle reminder that it wasn't all plain sailing for you.

I hope all goes well for your SIL and she manages to have the baby she so desperately wants. And if that happens, I'd imagine she'll be mortified looking back at her current behaviour.

Unpopular I know, but I think if they have only been TTC for 5 months then SIL phrasing is dramatic. I would just rise above it with a 'I understand from my experience of TTC that it's not an easy journey'.

I'd imagine she'll be mortified looking back at her current behaviour.

That’s kind of you. I imagine she’ll act like the first woman ever to have a baby, expect everyone to treat it like the second coming and try to monopolise her parents.

Used to work in an NHS Infertility Clinic,1 in 7 couples have problems conceiving. I was told it was likely I would never get pregnant because of gynae issues. Ended up getting pregnant in my teens,(had never used contraception) it was several years. 3 more, conceived really quickly

She’s being ridiculous, goady, selfish and rude.

It would be a different matter if you conceived your children with no issues and she had been trying for many years. But she’s been trying for such a short time and you faced something that would leave a lot of people very traumatised. Her wanting to steal the parents as some sort of consolation prize is also utterly bizarre and childish.

At this point I’d just try to compress my annoyance and be relived you don’t have to pander to her over Christmas. At least now you don’t have to walk on eggshells.

Enjoy your Christmas and try to put what she said in the back of your mind. It won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten but the last thing you want is this ruining Christmas when the last 2 years have been so rough.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'd imagine she'll be mortified looking back at her current behaviour.

That’s kind of you. I imagine she’ll act like the first woman ever to have a baby, expect everyone to treat it like the second coming and try to monopolise her parents.

I agree with this. If she’s always been a bit of a dick, she isn’t going to change now. Her not falling pregnant immediately has just given her a “valid” reason to be nasty, so I can imagine she will milk it for all it’s worth.

I’d be setting myself up for many years of this, baby or no baby.

If SIL does end up having fertility problems then next xmas and the year after are going to be horrendous if she's reacting like this after 5 months.

Being this stressed already is not going to help her conceive.

Let her get on with it, have sympathy for the PIL who are going to be dragged into the middle of it, and just have a fabulous Christmas with your family.

@happinessischocolate

If SIL does end up having fertility problems then next xmas and the year after are going to be horrendous if she's reacting like this after 5 months.

Being this stressed already is not going to help her conceive.

Let her get on with it, have sympathy for the PIL who are going to be dragged into the middle of it, and just have a fabulous Christmas with your family.

My parents would tell me to get a grip. She's going to be embarrassed one day at how she has behaved towards you and her own nieces and nephews. Refusing to spend Christmas with them is utterly ridiculous.

OP, take the high road and tell her that you'll do whatever she's comfortable with and that you understand.

The in laws need to do what they're comfortable with. In my case, my parents would give me a Stirn talking to and tell me we are all celebrating together and that's the end of it. No one in my family would tolerate me acting like this.

But OP, I would stay out of it. Let the in laws/ your DH sort it out and decide for themselves what they want to do.

You take the high road all the way and enjoy your Christmas.

YABU. She's clearly going through something, even if you don't think six months is infertility. Christmas exacerbates things, but also you're not privy to her medical records. YANBU re her thinking she now gets to claim your in-laws. She's pulled out, but they should still come to you.

It's difficult. What she said is dickish but I can understand her frustration. Your losses must have been so difficult but to have 4 pregnancies in 3 years (minimum if you started TTC as soon at you had your first) must have meant you fell pregnant very easily so maybe it's that which she is focusing on rather than the losses. I started TTC in August and although statistically I know it will take a while I am in the TTW of cycle 5 and I already know it just wont have worked. I just assume I am now counting down to the year mark so I can get some tests and treatment. I completely marvel at people who seem to be able to have sex over 1 or 2 or 3 cycles and fall pregnant as theres just been nothing for us, no hint of a positive. Nothing. Friend of mine got pregnant on her second cycle, lost that at 8 weeks and fell pregnant next cycle. Another friend has fallen pregnant once on the implant and once by having unprotected sex once and had an abortion both times. It's hard when you're doing everything right and literally nothing happens. I would never actually say anything though. I would shut up and then probably go home and have a good cry.

@AffableApple

YABU. She's clearly going through something, even if you don't think six months is infertility. Christmas exacerbates things, but also you're not privy to her medical records. YANBU re her thinking she now gets to claim your in-laws. She's pulled out, but they should still come to you.

But OP is understanding of that, she totally understands why SIL may not to come for Christmas. It’s SIL’s language that’s mean, and OP shouldn’t pander to her.

@PoleFairy

It's difficult. What she said is dickish but I can understand her frustration. Your losses must have been so difficult but to have 4 pregnancies in 3 years (minimum if you started TTC as soon at you had your first) must have meant you fell pregnant very easily so maybe it's that which she is focusing on rather than the losses. I started TTC in August and although statistically I know it will take a while I am in the TTW of cycle 5 and I already know it just wont have worked. I just assume I am now counting down to the year mark so I can get some tests and treatment. I completely marvel at people who seem to be able to have sex over 1 or 2 or 3 cycles and fall pregnant as theres just been nothing for us, no hint of a positive. Nothing. Friend of mine got pregnant on her second cycle, lost that at 8 weeks and fell pregnant next cycle. Another friend has fallen pregnant once on the implant and once by having unprotected sex once and had an abortion both times. It's hard when you're doing everything right and literally nothing happens. I would never actually say anything though. I would shut up and then probably go home and have a good cry.

Please, please, please never suggest that anyone who is able to get pregnant and then suffers loss on loss on loss somehow has it easier than someone ttc conceive and not getting pregnant. Both are shitty situations. More than one person said to me after multiple miscarriages "well, at least you know you can get pregnant". What an intensive attitude, and a nasty thing to say.

@StepAwayFromGoogling I'm not saying that at all, I'm saying the SIL is probably focusing on her difficulty (not being able to get pregnant) without thinking of the OPs difficulty (multiple losses). shes wrong to say anything (I said what she said was wrong and also I would never say anything like that)

Keep it simple.

Thanks for letting me know. We were looking forward to seeing you but I completely understand that TTC is a difficult journey, having been there myself. I hope you and your husband enjoy you Christmas.

Leave it at that, wait to hear from you in laws and then contact them next week of you don't.

Don't sink to her level, she's hurting so wanted to hurt you too.