Page 7 | SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 08:21

I feel so sorry genuinely for pepper who is think this way. Its heartbreakingly sad that she can't enjoy your children and can't be a round them, that's also tricky for your children.

It's a very odd way of getting looking at things and it's very inward looking. I'm astonished that's she's also asked for your dh parents to decline!
What have they said? What does your dh think.
I wouldn't be taking this snub lightly from sil from your dc pov and if your in laws choose to also decline I would be seriously re thinking relationship and boundaries.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 08:22

@PinkMochi

Great text. I would send that!

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 08:23

I am not sure the etopic etc is even relevant it's her attitude to ops dc I think is mostly insulating to the the dc!!

Dear x and y auntie can't be around you because she doesn't have her own dc!!

LightandAiry · 05/12/2021 08:24

How offensive to you when you have struggled to yourself

I think she is very sad, and desperately wants control of something; also the obsession of TTC (understandably so) is overwhelming.

Something she can control is keeping away at Christmas. She is perhaps a control freak and the ultimate in not being able to control is TTC. She is not thinking of how this could affect you due to her own situation and its uncertainty due to her pain.

I would reply saying sorry you are unable to join us, hopefully we will see you over the Christmas period, take care, chat anytime and love as always (or words to that effect).

She shouldn't take it out on you, but rather than being deliberately spiteful maybe she is just not thinking about what you've been through before having your DC and blurted out in her text all the frustration and upset.

Frannibananni · 05/12/2021 08:27

I get that she may not want to be around your happy family but the moment she has decided she get your parents for Xmas when it was planned otherwise she is being a unreasonable bitch.

BlusteringBoobies · 05/12/2021 08:29

OP I totally agree with @PinkMochi suggested text. I was trying to write one myself but this sums it up.

I agree she's being ridiculous and I say this as someone who had several miscarriages and a long journey to children. My first took nearly a year to conceive after my health complications of 5 years - completely normal amount of time to TTC.

I'm also sorry so many posters seem to be so dismissive of your 'losses' as you now have children and SIL doesn't so that obviously triumphs what can only be described as a horrific journey to have your second(!)

And I agree with others, you are fortunate to have children but 'rubbing her face in it' is just fucking absurd.

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 05/12/2021 08:29

I'm surprised no seems to mention ops dc?
Won't they miss theirs aunt? Does she have a good relationship with them?
It's them I would be concerned with!

Theunamedcat · 05/12/2021 08:31

What's going to happen if she has a baby? I can't come your children are too big and boisterous and I'm taking my parents with me?

You need to speak to the inlaws and your dh about this its setting a precedent that she is the most important one they agreed to come to you the least they do is show up and do gifts and brunch

Mix56 · 05/12/2021 08:33

So if shes not pregnant next year, or the year after, or for infinity, the grandparents can't spend Xmas with you for ever ? The existing children are held hostage to her/their fertility?

I think I would respond, No worries, I will let the grandparents know you don't want to come. 😬
Then the GPs can decide if they want to spend Xmas with their Grandchildren, or with Prima Donna

Lalliella · 05/12/2021 08:33

She might have medical problems that you don’t know about so try to be a bit careful just in case. But I think @PinkMochi’s idea sounds good.

BlondeDogLady · 05/12/2021 08:33

I would take a huge step back from her. She's seen all you've been through, and now has the audacity to hint that she is experiencing something similar, after 5 months of TTC, and no losses. She isn't pleased for your end result, and doesn't want to spend any part of Christmas with her neices/nephews. She sounds selfish, self absorbed and narcissistic. She is not the friend you think she is, quite frankly. No wonder you feel how you do. It's an absolute insult to you!

DamnitFanny · 05/12/2021 08:37

My SIL did this (although had one older child). Stopped coming to visit, stopped PILs from visiting at Christmas (although I blame them for that). They’ve missed such a lot - now the cute little kid days are over and they’ll never be repeated. We have lovely Christmases now — just us - and stopped issuing an invite to join in after about 10 years. Their loss.

BlondeDogLady · 05/12/2021 08:38

I'd probably beef our Pinkmochi's text :

"It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic pregnancy where I lost a tube, you know I suffered two early losses, and you know I lost a baby at 4 months. My children have been hard won, and quite frankly your comments have thrown a hand grenade into baby's first Christmas, so thanks for that"

Newmumatlast · 05/12/2021 08:39

@gloriousgolden

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

As someone who ttc for 5 years before I resorted to IVF I really don't think for her that she chose the words to hit a chord. For her, you have good fortune. This is very taboo but at one stage I just wanted to be pregnant even if it didn't work out so I knew it was possible even if it never happened again. What an odd thing to want. And of course I didnt want that at all. I wanted a child who would grow up with me etc. But I was depressed and miserable.

I dont think your in laws should cancel but I would just say you understand her position. You'd still love to have her and her husband even if just for a bit but if she is uncomfortable thats ok. I once spent the entire Christmas morning one year in tears because Christmas is all about the kids - was the message that year being drummed out around me - and I hadn't any even though I really wanted them. It was a big healing process.

I also want to send love to you for your losses. I cannot imagine the pain you've gone through and to be clear that is not good fortune at all. It's very sad and I hope you are healing from it xx

Newmumatlast · 05/12/2021 08:40

@BlondeDogLady

I'd probably beef our Pinkmochi's text :

"It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic pregnancy where I lost a tube, you know I suffered two early losses, and you know I lost a baby at 4 months. My children have been hard won, and quite frankly your comments have thrown a hand grenade into baby's first Christmas, so thanks for that"

I wouldn't do this. There is nothing to be gained from it. It won't make you feel any better.

Ugzbugz · 05/12/2021 08:41

She could even be pregnant by Christmas! She has no diagnosed issue and has only been trying for about 5 months. I got pregnant after 9 months and a miscarriage and thought that was pretty quick.

Don’t think she needed the good fortune comment either. Tell her you will let in laws make their own decision.

MumUndone · 05/12/2021 08:41

She sounds like a dick.

Newmumatlast · 05/12/2021 08:43

@Mix56

So if shes not pregnant next year, or the year after, or for infinity, the grandparents can't spend Xmas with you for ever ? The existing children are held hostage to her/their fertility?

I think I would respond, No worries, I will let the grandparents know you don't want to come. 😬
Then the GPs can decide if they want to spend Xmas with their Grandchildren, or with Prima Donna

I doubt after that long she will feel the same. She's likely in the despair stage. She would come to terms with things eventually. I don't think its fair to call her a Prima Dona. She is clearly hurting. But yes, GPs can decide for themselves and it is unrealistic and unfair to expect them to never come.

Also, this doesn't mean I think she is right to have said what she said bearing in mind OPs own struggles. I'm just saying I think it comes from a place of pain not her being a Prima Dona

Newmumatlast · 05/12/2021 08:45

@Theunamedcat

What's going to happen if she has a baby? I can't come your children are too big and boisterous and I'm taking my parents with me?

You need to speak to the inlaws and your dh about this its setting a precedent that she is the most important one they agreed to come to you the least they do is show up and do gifts and brunch

If she has a baby, like in my situation, they'll likely all play happily together and everyone be so much happier

anon12345678901 · 05/12/2021 08:47

@PinkMochi

I would pull her up on the “good fortunes” comment and her passive aggression. Text something like:

“It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. I don’t deserve your comments.”

That's a great text. OP you are allowed to let her know her comments aren't acceptable. Neither is her saying she'd rather her parents don't go there. I'd let them know they are still very welcome but it's their choice. She's not infertile, it's only been 6 months.

Dolphinnoises · 05/12/2021 08:50

I think you need to be very careful with this, and ignore the armchair warriors - it’s very easy to say someone else’s relatives should be told off.

Everyone reacts differently to TTC - how you feel about it at 25 and how you feel at 35 is different. She’s obviously in a state, and you’ve already said she’s very competitive with your DH so she doesn’t feel very secure within her own family.

I would reply that you would love to spend Christmas with her, and that you hope she doesn’t put your in-laws in an impossible position that means they can’t be there for xxx’s first Christmas. And then leave it for the rest of the family to pick up.

londonrach · 05/12/2021 08:50

She worded it badly. Text back saying ok. Your pil can make their own mind up. Not her decision re them

PleasantBirthday · 05/12/2021 08:50

Is there any chance she's had a recent disappointment and is struggling to come to terms with it?

BigGreen · 05/12/2021 08:50

If she wanted to opt out then fair enough, but she's trying to break up the event and effectively exclude you for having kids. That is definitely out of order.

Welcometothejingles · 05/12/2021 08:51

Don't say 'I understand' because you're then validating her behaviour, in these circumstances the response 'as you wish' is more appropriate.