SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

@BootsScootsAndToots

I would text her back and say you understand.

I probably would also say something like my good fortune did come with a fair bit of misfortune and you understand why she needs some space.

Exactly this

I would say to PIL that they need to decide for themselves what they want to do. As far as she goes, it would be minimal contact after this. Drama llamas really don't like performing to an echoing void.

@Sneezesthrice

I’d be tempted to say “I heard your spiteful vitriol laced conversation with MIL yesterday. I refuse to ‘compete’ with you in some twisted competition you’ve made up in your head that I did not start nor I didn’t enter. I don’t believe you have a negative test so of course they should stay there with you. I don’t want to risk covid in my home. Enjoy your ‘victory’ you psychopath”

Exactly this. What a poisonous cow.

Op is lucky to hear what she did because people really are like this hyper competition

Unfortunately for op, because her pils are not able to negotiate and be reasonable diplomatic for both sides it's very dangerous to carry on with shared business interests if sil is part of it and I would be looking to get out ASAP.
Unless there are iron clad contracts here checked out by the best legal advice top ££ can buy.

Thanks for the messages. I'm not getting DH to write/ do anything, he's really quite cut up by their collective behaviour- I feel so very sad for him this evening - farming families are difficult to live with at the best of times.

My SIL is a genuine cuntpuffin and if my in laws want to be dicks, they can knock themselves out. I'm so done with it all. Happy christmas, it will be awesome for my children, which is ultimately what chrimbo is for!!!

I cannot believe what I just read! (And I don't mean in a troll hunting way).

She did WHAT?!

I'm genuinely aghast.

Time to NC with her.

@PatriotCanes

Chinny reckon did she get her results back and they were negative

Chinny reckon - omg not heard that in years!!!
Made my day!!

@gloriousgolden

Thanks for the messages. I'm not getting DH to write/ do anything, he's really quite cut up by their collective behaviour- I feel so very sad for him this evening - farming families are difficult to live with at the best of times.

My SIL is a genuine cuntpuffin and if my in laws want to be dicks, they can knock themselves out. I'm so done with it all. Happy christmas, it will be awesome for my children, which is ultimately what chrimbo is for!!!

You're right in not responding to their combined idiocy.

Sometimes a dignified silence says more than words could ever say.

OP,
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas with your wonderful children and your DH.
Don’t let it spoil by anybody,related or not.
We can’t control the other people’s behaviour, only how we react to it.
I’d recommend giving your SIL a wide berth. Yuor PIL sadly have made their choice 💐

@gloriousgolden - I have been following this with much empathy and have been predicting the pattern of attention-seeking fuckery from your SIL. I honestly wouldn’t even necessarily believe any of the medical stuff she comes up with - pregnancy/miscarriage/Covid/amputation - anything unless you can see it for yourself. I think it’s all simply a diversionary tactic to get the MIL in a hysterical state and all attention on her. Working for the company is unlikely to reap the rewards you feel you deserve as the SIL will always be seen as “poor little” SIL who did not have the potential or opportunities to achieve the success that your DH did (his hard work and patience will not be acknowledged or recognised). She will be rewarded financially for work he has done and at your disadvantage. Any stamp of her tiny princess foot will have them come running - especially if she has kids. You will all cease to exist. Her kids will be the favourites, and will virtually live at grandparents anyway. My suggestion is to disentangle yourselves legally and financially from company and GTF away from all of this while you’re young enough and sane enough. Get DH to work for someone else where he will have some accountability for his life.

I forgot to explain that I was your DH in this horrible dynamic. My parents are both dead now. My golden balls brother is 47 and has never worked in his life. He inherited almost everything. (Held on trust as the “poor thing” can’t manage his own life - and we can’t afford to contest it.) He’s happy as a pig in shit.

'She's got what she wanted' that's a really horrible way to talk about you ☹️
She sounds like a not very nice person, no advice unfortunately but solidarity

@ESGdance

This is actually really helpful for you.

You now know exactly who she is and your PIL also know you know. She is bitter and jealous. All of the drivel and self doubt before was all as a result of her manipulation.

She is worse than you thought.

Step away and leave her covered in her own self generated shit. Never get involved in any interaction with her as it’s always an attempt to goad to get you paint yourself as the bad guy.

Keep your dignity and know she has none.

Absolutely this.

You heard.

You NOW know.

They know YOU know.

Your PIL's are at fault.

They have chosen her above your husband and grand children.

Do not allow them visit.

She is hugely unstable.

Step away from the drama and google "medium chill".

You need to manage from a cool, polite distance.

I would not want this woman around my family or children.

Your poor husband.

Thanks for the messages. I'm not getting DH to write/ do anything, he's really quite cut up by their collective behaviour- I feel so very sad for him this evening - farming families are difficult to live with at the best of times

Farm owning family? You have my sympathies. Do you or the BiL come from that background or have you had to get to grips with living with it and the financial and emotional soap operas it generates?

If the line of the farm is not sorted the eventual SiL uberkind will be farmer of the year before 12 months.

@Justilou1

I couldn't agree more.
It's crystal clear that sil has all the power!
Don't be surprised op if layer on wills, division of work all goes to sil, don't be surprised.

I wouldn't have anything more to do with them until there is a cast iron contract by top solicitors.

Every singe thing your dh does will count for nothing in the face of bending to sil.
Fil disapproves but still, does absolutely diddly squat... And op this is with two small dc in your corner. He does nothing. He is absolutely powerless and weak.
The writing is on your wall here.

@Justilou1...excellent point re wills and land.

Financially naivety will bit you on the ass.

You need any succession plans to be airtight, and preferably the farm signed over.

The courts are littered with promises involving land and farms.

Believe nothing from people this weak and so completely dominated.

Oh, and if FIL croaks first, you’re fucked.

OP... Reading your updates with horror....
Just hope you had a lovely day and the drama didn't continue

Hope you had a drama free, lovely Christmas OP

@Justilou1 thanks for the advice - I'm actually a solicitor and I work in agricultural law so we're in a good position. The family is farmed in partnership between BH and FIL, the vast majority of the land is either owned outright by DH or in settlement trusts in favour of our children, we retired a company partner two years ago and I actually was tasked with restructuring most of it. I absolutely would never ask my husband to leave the business, outside his family it is his life and his passion and he's very good at it. I don't doubt that my SIL would love nothing more than for us to walk away. I come from a farming family, I am very well versed in the dynamics of farming families but this is really a bridge too far.

FIL called today to say actually they hadn't tested negative and SIL's PCR test came back positive this lunchtime. My FIL is 80 and overweight with awful health - she is literally the most selfish person I've ever met, to put them in that situation in order for her not to miss out.

We've had a lovely xmas with my family, thank you. Children have had a fabulous time and my parents have really rallied to jolly DH up. Like I said, my parents are also farmers so lots of tales of fucked up family dynamics to make him laugh. Ho Ho Ho!

Oh wow, so she’s risked her elderly father’s health through her selfishness. Plus her own DH presumably spent Christmas alone with Covid. What a cow.

Her family know what a selfish knob she is. There is no point in reacting. It’s must be really hard to live with this situation though.

Glad you had a great Christmas.

Even better that DH livelihood is legally protected.

No doubt SIL will kick off after PIL death how it's not "fair" but tough shit.

So pleased to hear that you had a great Christmas @gloriousgolden. And really, really pleased to read that you are in a good position with regards to the farm. That must burn SIL up. Bonus!

Sorry to use the word but what a total spoilt bitch she is. She’s desperate to paint you as the villain when you have done nothing wrong. The pil are as bad - they have enabled this behaviour and pander to it. Enraging.