SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

@billy1966 I have never pushed the woman on my husband. We (DH & I) PIL and SIL need to have a positive relationship of sorts - we are all partners in a family business.

Whilst I'd have loved nothing more than to have said to my DH a decade ago "cut all of your toxic shitty family out and let's focus on people whose company we actually enjoy" it wasn't an option without asking him to walk away from a business which is his home, his hobby, his career and one of his greatest happinesses.

My DH has always appreciated that I've been able to jolly the shitty situation along in times where really he would have liked to have told her to go fuck herself. I realise I will be accused of drip feeding at this point but I categorically do not push this woman on my husband. Our (mine, husband and both of our childrens) present and future relies upon maintaining a good relationship. Usually we just brush along but occasionally this is what she does, and if I called her out for being an absolute twat, it would make our working relationship very difficult.

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas my husband has said he thinks it's probably a blessing in disguise- as the children get older and xmas day becomes more about them, he thinks she will hate that. He said he thinks his parents are rude given they were invited for dinner and they've now created a breakfast we are expected to assemble for (we usually do most of the morn in PJs!) and host. He's pissed off they're facilitating her behaviour. I'm seeing them tomorrow and I'll recount it word for word, as I usually do if there is an issue.

Next xmas I will be inviting only people who I genuinely want to spend time with. I did that last year and it was awesome.

Well if they've invited themselves for breakfast I wouldn't bend over backwards - just keep it low key. I would go continental style and get some bakery items in, maybe some nice fruits etc and put the kettle on. No need to cook a big fancy breakfast, especially when all of you will presumably be having a substantial Xmas meal later in the day.

Oh good op.
Don't have the breakfast!

Thank them but say you all so causal breakfast, it's not going to work this year but you hope to see them another day.
It's pa but they will absolutely stew... Sat with sil and nothing to do knowing all the Xmas joy and action will be with your dc.

Perhaps it is at blessing... Definitely don't bother with them next year!

Violet why on earth should op now have to change a breakfast they look forward too to suddenly accmd pils?.who are bending to what sil wants .. Fuck that...

I’d ask them to bring something for breakfast as you had everything thought through for dinner- a fresh fruit platter/ some pastries? Whatever you’d like there but is more effort for you! Hosting doesn’t mean providing everything.

@violetbunny

Well if they've invited themselves for breakfast I wouldn't bend over backwards - just keep it low key. I would go continental style and get some bakery items in, maybe some nice fruits etc and put the kettle on. No need to cook a big fancy breakfast, especially when all of you will presumably be having a substantial Xmas meal later in the day.

Absolutely low key and I certainly wouldn't be rushing the children's morning by dressing them, leave them in their pj's.

OP, you know the truth.
You have had a tough journey by all accounts, a very tough time.

This is not a woman who is going to bring joy to your life, back away gently, but firmly and leave her to her controlling drama...and her parents with it.

I agree that you shouldn't go to any amazing lengths for breakfast - and that they should bring their own contributions!

Also, stay in pjs if you want to! It's Christmas - they're trying to accommodate their tyrannical DD by putting you out - just say it's fine for them to come over and join in with the family breakfast, but you won't be able to do anything lavish.

Goodness me, I would never offer to host any of them again. Personally I would not have PIL round for breakfast - they were invited for lunch/dinner which they accepted and then pulled out of at short notice so I would just say I understand why they feel they can't come but I am not changing my plans again, maybe we could catch up in the New Year - and then not arrange anything but wait for them to offer to host something, which I may or may not attend.

However, since you added info about the family business I can see things need to remain relatively civil, so they could come for breakfast. I would stay in my jammies, so would the kids. The most I would do is put the kettle on for tea and coffee and suggest in advance that PIL bring fruit, croissants etc. I would not be doing a cooked breakfast for them.

SIL can do what she wants, if she can't or won't tolerate being around children on certain days but not others, for whatever reason, and yes she may have had a medical issue you don't know about, but that's down to her how she deals with that. PIL however have done the accept an invitation then turn it down when they got a better offer trick - they were asked to pick between their kids and they did so you know where you stand and should act accordingly.

Sorry you are going through this. SIL is behaving poorly but I understand you will need to keep things civil.

When were you expecting PIL to arrive in the original plan? Could they send breakfast with SIL and then come to you, so that the day largely remains as planned?

As your parents are staying over, I expect they won't be comfortable having breakfast in pjs with your in-laws!

Please don't accommodate their breakfast bollox.

I would respond by saying you won't be making breakfast due to extensive lunch menu, but they are welcome to pop in for a cup of tea.

They chose to pander to their manipulative, spiteful daughter, so do not pander to them.

Have a wonderful Christmas with those who truly matter OP.

"MIL came yesterday to suggest that her and FIL come up on xmas day morning with breakfast and they can spend 2-3 hours up here with us before going home to have the rest of the day with SIL. I refuse to be the person who pushes this into anymore of a drama than it needs to be so I said I understood and we left it at that. My DH feels a bit wounded I think but he's not really said anything, we're out for supper tonight so I will probably hear his thoughts in more detail later.
Their behaviour through the years has ultimately shaped her into the entitled person she is, and that is on them as her parents TBH, they obviously know that their decision will upset DH."

"He said he thinks his parents are rude given they were invited for dinner and they've now created a breakfast we are expected to assemble for (we usually do most of the morn in PJs!) and host. He's pissed off they're facilitating her behaviour. I'm seeing them tomorrow and I'll recount it word for word, as I usually do if there is an issue."

I would not be wanting them in my house at breakfast, altering the dynamics of Christmas morning. i sure as hell wouldn't want to be 'hosting' them in any shape or form. They were invited to dinner, not breakfast. Inviting themselves is, as your husband says, rude. And rather craven of them towards their daughter.

I'd be dissuading them from coming at breakfast. I'd probably couch it as better for them to stay at home, won't SIL be hurt, or maybe even that it would confuse the children, them leaving after 2-3 hours. No, no, far better not to come at breakfast, why don't we do Boxing Day / 27th / when Hell freezes over, hmm ?

I think you have married a lovely man, OP. He (and YOU!) are acting with immense maturity in the face of rudeness and unreasonable behaviour. I can feel how strong your relationship is though through your posts and that's just heartwarming.

The in-laws were invited for dinner, not breakfast. His hurt is a very valid feeling about that because it affects your children on what is a day they will remember.

Your SIL is the one who is a catalyst in this, and I completely understand family dynamics who are in business together.

I wish you the best of luck but you clearly both have really strong building blocks in your marriage, and I think your children are going to count themselves very lucky when they are adults for having you set the example of what is a healthy family... they won't get that from their auntie, and possibly not their grandparents either 😔

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 to you both.

I’m having a smoked salmon bagel/champagne breakfast Xmas morning. I’d be so pissed off if someone wanted to come round.

I’d absolutely still do you morning in Pjs and do things as you want with your pils joining. Morning is the best bit after all so I’d find it hard to begrudge them that. Hopefully you’ve not got too much extra for Christmas dinner.

@gloriousgolden

Next xmas I will be inviting only people who I genuinely want to spend time with. I did that last year and it was awesome.

I thought last year it was only household together or support bubble

@Happy1982ish last xmas you could form a christmas bubble of two more households for xmas day only, not that it's really relevant? I will be following absolutely none of any further restrictions anyway, FYI.

Thank you to everyone who has offered their thoughts and opinions, I really appreciate and it's helpful to know that a lot of you agree with my feelings about the situation.

Breakfast isn't a hardship, they've offered to bring salmon brekkie up with them for all of us. As much as it wasn't planned, I'm not stopping them from seeing their grandchildren on Christmas Day, nor am I stopping the children from seeing them, that's just not an option for me, no matter what my own feelings are on it!

Hope everyone has a lovely chrimbo xx

I’m with you re no restrictions this year!

Ah it was tier 4 where no mixing at all

Well if they’re bringing breakfast that’s something I suppose!

Well, in a shit twist of events, due to BIL testing positive before they set off up here two days ago, my SIL and BIL are now isolating pending results of their PCR and therefore we invited in laws to join us for lunch, and I've stocked up on additional food for us all. As much as they'd pissed me about with their change of plans, I'm not having DH's parents by themselves at xmas as it will be rubbish for them and it's unnecessary.

I was in the home office with FIL doing the last pay run today before the xmas break. The office is at in laws, next to their laundry room and MIL came in, on the phone to SIL and obviously oblivious to the fact I was there - I don't usually do the office on a Thursday.

SIL basically hysterical that we will all be enjoying the day whilst they're stuck at their house. Suggested I'd "got my own way" and a lot of bitterness about them spending it with us. My FIL shuffled outside quickly and obviously did the whole gesticulating about me being in there and MIL disappeared fairly quickly 😳

I understand a shit situation has just got worse for SIL but it's made me feel so shit. She doesn't have to feel threatened towards me, I am literally no threat to her at all. My FIL was very embarrassed and suggested SIL needed a good shake, he did say not to give it a second thought but the bitterness in her voice is ringing through my ears this evening. I actually feel like because she can't have a jolly xmas, she wants everyone else to suffer.

Oh boy she is really bitter and twisted. And that is absolutely not your fault or anything to do with you. It's really her own issue. Hopefully her parents can see what an arse she is.

@gloriousgolden

Well, in a shit twist of events, due to BIL testing positive before they set off up here two days ago, my SIL and BIL are now isolating pending results of their PCR and therefore we invited in laws to join us for lunch, and I've stocked up on additional food for us all. As much as they'd pissed me about with their change of plans, I'm not having DH's parents by themselves at xmas as it will be rubbish for them and it's unnecessary.

I was in the home office with FIL doing the last pay run today before the xmas break. The office is at in laws, next to their laundry room and MIL came in, on the phone to SIL and obviously oblivious to the fact I was there - I don't usually do the office on a Thursday.

SIL basically hysterical that we will all be enjoying the day whilst they're stuck at their house. Suggested I'd "got my own way" and a lot of bitterness about them spending it with us. My FIL shuffled outside quickly and obviously did the whole gesticulating about me being in there and MIL disappeared fairly quickly 😳

I understand a shit situation has just got worse for SIL but it's made me feel so shit. She doesn't have to feel threatened towards me, I am literally no threat to her at all. My FIL was very embarrassed and suggested SIL needed a good shake, he did say not to give it a second thought but the bitterness in her voice is ringing through my ears this evening. I actually feel like because she can't have a jolly xmas, she wants everyone else to suffer.

What a thoroughly nasty piece of work your SIL is….. She sounds like a 5 year old in the playground… And quite frankly, her parents need to be having a word, along the lines of get a bloody grip you’re not 5 years old!

It’s not your fault she’s got bloody Covid
And of course you don’t want your in-laws to be on their own. Had you left them in there own, you would have been blamed too…
I think your last sentence was spot on. She’s suffering so everyone else is going to. Very nasty.

Not sure where you can go with this to be honest. Enjoy Christmas with your family and the in-laws and try and block her out.

Your SIL sounds horrid, op.
I hope despite her nasty outburst you can have a lovely Christmas with your family and in the in-laws.

Your SIL is BVU. I have secondary infertility, and when i miscarried my 2nd pregnancy, 2 close relatives were pregnant at the same time. I would never have dreamt of saying such a thing to them,even though i may have thought it from time to time.

So it was a competition in her eyes then?