SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Serious question, how would you feel if one of those friends, having been trying for 6 months, told you she couldn’t accept an invitation from you because you would be rubbing your good fortune in her face? And not only that, but also tried to get other friends to decline the invitation? Because that would be the equivalent of what the SIL has done here

Tbh I’d assume there was more to it than ‘trying for 6 months’. I’d wonder if maybe she’d had a very low egg quality result, or he’d had a semen analysis that implied ICSI or donor egg/sperm was their only chance. Sure I could be wrong. But TTC for only 6 months and reacting like that, seem contradictory. I’d also wonder if she’d had losses they felt unable to talk about.

It’s her parents she wants to decline the invitation, not friends, and it sounds like the parents can make up their own mind.

I wouldn’t read rubbing it in her face as a deliberate or malicious action, more that she cannot stand to be around babies just now because she is desperate to get pregnant, so being around small children rubs salt into the wound.

I do suspect there is more to her actions than just TTC for 6 months.

Read the rest of my post, and all the OPs posts. It’s highly unlikely SIL would not have said something about losses etc if she had had them. Look at what she has said and apply some common sense.

If you’re going to approach a scenario on the basis that it must be different from what it is, there’s no point talking about it.

And even if you are right, that would be a reason to feel she needed to stay away. Not an excuse for her awful behaviour.

And I said ‘friends’ because I was drawing an analogy. It’s actually loads worse that it’s her parents she’s trying to drag away, because they are the grandparents of OP’s children!

Interestingly the only person I know who was losing the plot after only a few months TTC is my own SIL who is utterly toxic and has driven a huge wedge through our family.

She is BU. I had a MC and best friend gave birth the same week. I went to see her and held her baby while my unsuccessful pg was still inside me. I was so happy for her despite my sadness. I didn't even tell her about my MC until much later in case it spoiled her happiness. I think your SIL has a bad case of jealousy which is not in any way your fault. She could try harder to see her situation as totally separate from yours. She could be happy for you or at least neutral in these circumstances. It's not as if she's had a MC or anything like your past experiences.

@33goingon64

She is BU. I had a MC and best friend gave birth the same week. I went to see her and held her baby while my unsuccessful pg was still inside me. I was so happy for her despite my sadness. I didn't even tell her about my MC until much later in case it spoiled her happiness. I think your SIL has a bad case of jealousy which is not in any way your fault. She could try harder to see her situation as totally separate from yours. She could be happy for you or at least neutral in these circumstances. It's not as if she's had a MC or anything like your past experiences.

The world needs more people in it like you 33goingon64.

Have the outlaws made their decision yet?

@Marvellousmadness have you misunderstood my posts? I can't understand what you think she is grieving for?

I have been on these boards long enough to realise I am 100% genuinely incredibly fortunate to have two healthy children - I've acknowledged that several times on this thread, that isn't in question.

My issue was primarily that it was a shitty, nasty comment from a family member which was also wholly unnecessary - would most level headed people not just message to say "I'm in a shit place, I can't be around your children at xmas, soz". Even without the losses, it would have been slightly unnecessary to point out my good fortune, but knowing that she knows intimately how broken I was after my losses, it feels like a dagger in my back.

Anyway...

MIL came yesterday to suggest that her and FIL come up on xmas day morning with breakfast and they can spend 2-3 hours up here with us before going home to have the rest of the day with SIL. I refuse to be the person who pushes this into anymore of a drama than it needs to be so I said I understood and we left it at that. My DH feels a bit wounded I think but he's not really said anything, we're out for supper tonight so I will probably hear his thoughts in more detail later.
Their behaviour through the years has ultimately shaped her into the entitled person she is, and that is on them as her parents TBH, they obviously know that their decision will upset DH.

For now I'm not going to respond to any of her messages. She's utterly deranged, she messaged me yesterday to ask whether she could call in last night for a drink as she had xmas jumpers for the children. So presumably it's just xmas day she can't bear to be around them?

Trying to conceive for 6 months is not infertility and it is incredibly hurtful to those going through that to say it is. There was no need for the good fortune comment but you said she is entitled, maybe selfish so couple that with hurt and you can see why she might have used that phrase. If this relationship is important to you then I think you have handled it with dignity and grace. Its a bit sad for your dh but at least parents in law have come to a nice compromise so noone misses out completely.

She's utterly deranged, she messaged me yesterday to ask whether she could call in last night for a drink as she had xmas jumpers for the children. So presumably it's just xmas day she can't bear to be around them?

I think that goes more to it being a power move of some sort than upset about not being pregnant yet. She's now got her parents to choose between her and her brother and his kids and perhaps that's all she wanted.

@PatriotCanes

She's utterly deranged, she messaged me yesterday to ask whether she could call in last night for a drink as she had xmas jumpers for the children. So presumably it's just xmas day she can't bear to be around them?

I think that goes more to it being a power move of some sort than upset about not being pregnant yet. She's now got her parents to choose between her and her brother and his kids and perhaps that's all she wanted.

This.

OP,
This is the woman that you have been pushing on your husband.

Back away and apologise to your husband for thinking you know better than him.

He has had a lifetime of this bullshit.

@gloriousgolden - if you don't particularly want to see her, perhaps she can send the jumpers over with PILs when they come Christmas morning.
After all, like you say, if she can't bear to be around them on Christmas day, why would she want to see them beforehand?

For now I'm not going to respond to any of her messages. She's utterly deranged, she messaged me yesterday to ask whether she could call in last night for a drink as she had xmas jumpers for the children. So presumably it's just xmas day she can't bear to be around them?

Sounds like she's frantically backpedalling now. You've got measure her now, I wouldn't trust her after this. Polite but cool.

She can’t bear to spend Christmas at yours
And it’s very very clear
You can’t bear here. Full stop.

So just be happy. It’s all worked out for the best.

Her

Thank god this all came to your awareness before your children are much older. Polite disengagement, leave DH to liaise with her about anything if he wants their relationship to flourish. Keep her distant from the kids as much as possible.
She reminds me of Tony Soprano's sister.

Holy eyes rolled to the back of my head at her latest text. Definitely back away from the entire situation 🙄
Hope you, DH, DCs, and ILs have a lovely Xmas regardless! 🎄

@PatriotCanes

She's utterly deranged, she messaged me yesterday to ask whether she could call in last night for a drink as she had xmas jumpers for the children. So presumably it's just xmas day she can't bear to be around them?

I think that goes more to it being a power move of some sort than upset about not being pregnant yet. She's now got her parents to choose between her and her brother and his kids and perhaps that's all she wanted.

I agree. This whole 'I can't be around your children' crap is bollocks, and you can now see why your husband's relationship with her is strained. She is The Golden Child flexing her muscles to bring her parents to heel. And they've come to heel.

I posted earlier, "Please consider that you don't have the relationship with her that you think you do." I'd extend that suggestion now to the relationship you have with DH's parents. You said of them that "Their behaviour through the years has ultimately shaped her into the entitled person she is, and that is on them as her parents TBH, they obviously know that their decision will upset DH." Knowing that they choose to upset my husband would prompt me to keep them at arm's length from now on.

Yup. Don't comment, don't judge, don't bother to get involved.

As expected, the initial text was nothing about infertility and all about control. She's an arsehole. Time to keep her at arms length.

I’ve seen this before on here with people trying to bring families who don’t get on together and it all backfiring.

We need to stop doing it, we wouldn’t like it if we disliked our sibling but our dhs were trying to involve them in the family.

It happened to me too 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think she is being rather self absorbed and I do really understand the painfulness of baby making when it doesn't happen etc. But her misfortune has nothing to do with your good fortune and I think upsetting everyone's XMAS is just self absorbed. She is the one with the problem. I think most people in her position would have said she would prefer not to come, and ask her parents over on Boxing \Day

I know I sound hard but I really do think you need to watch very carefully even though you say you get on very well, it doesn't sound a very "safe" relationship to me, more a put down, jealous sort of relationship

Anyway enjoy your xmas with your kids and DH

I luv you mil. She sounds like she’s come up with a compromise. She has the morning with you and the grandchildren, and gets to see the grandchildren opening their presents. Then she goes to sil.

Well done mil!

Billy 1966

I agree.

Op I've done the same thing it's sad women feel the need to step into these casms but they do. It's also kept things going far more than dh would have done.

Op, if your dh does express hurt I hope you can relay that to your pils?