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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

583 replies

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP posts:
Wokahontas · 06/12/2021 19:48

I can't quite believe the level of pandering and drama, I'm so not invested in drama this christmas, I just want a nice day with the children.

You mention that your SIL is selfish. Please do not pander to anything WRT her. I did at first and it caused me a lot of problems. Believe me when I say that not giving her an inch will make things a lot better. It creates very strong boundaries that your SIL will have to stay within if she wants a relationship. She has already been pandered to by PIL and you and your family are now missing out.

If I have to change any of my plans for my SIL I tell everyone to forget it and make their own arrangements. It stopped pretty quickly.

Tilltheend99 · 06/12/2021 19:49

I would try to sympathise and be understanding about the whole not wanting to be around babies at the moment thing but at some point in your reply politely slip in a reminder of how difficult your ectopic pregnancy was to go through so you can relate to how she feels etc

I think it sounds like she is caught up in obsessing about her own situation to the point of forgetting to be sensitive to yours rather than intentionally trying to be insulting.

Anonmummyoftwo · 06/12/2021 19:55

Sorry but she’s been ttc for a few months and unless she’s suffered losses in those months she’s out of fucking order especially after what you have been through. I’d honestly just text back with a ok no other words and if in-laws want to go to hers let it be you have your family around you. What you have been through is heartbreaking and for her to word it like that is just disrespectful as fuck.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 06/12/2021 20:02

She’s a drama queen. Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet, have your own relaxed time with your family

whitehorsesdonotlie · 06/12/2021 20:07

They've only been ttc for six months, ffs! She sounds selfish and self-absorbed. Let her strop off for Christmas.

Wokahontas · 06/12/2021 20:10

Make sure you tell SIL and PIL what an amazing Christmas Day you all had without them. Let them see that just because they don't come over, your world doesn't stop turning.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 06/12/2021 20:12

She’s being v unreasonable. I was TTC for six years - because I loved children. It didn’t make me not want to be around the offspring of my friends and family - quite the opposite. Makes me question someone’s motives for wanting to be a parent.

Sneezesthrice · 06/12/2021 20:42

I see you’ve replied to her now, a very gentle and non inflammatory response. I really would have had to call out her comment though with my own comment along the lines of “do you really feel that I’m ‘rubbing my good fortune’ in your face? Or is there something else going on?”

Call it out otherwise you just legitimise her talking to you (and possibly about you) like that.

Might turn out there is indeed more to it than TTC and not having managed to do so yet. It gives her a chance to say “yeah I’m struggling because….” Or own what she said and say “you absolutely are rubbing your kids in my face” (that sounds wrong but you know what I mean 👀) and at least you know where you stand.

Original poster
gloriousgolden · 06/12/2021 20:54

I'm not concerned that my mild mannered response will validate her behaviour , my SIL has been in my life for 14 years, she knows usually I take absolutely no prisoners and so I think the message was deliberately meant to get a rise.

I can relate to the bitterness and the sadness and the frustration because in between my losses the time stood still whilst I watched everyone else around me move on. But it isn't fair for people to compare her situation to infertility because that isn't what that is.

I know you can't ever know what goes on behind closed doors but we socialise quite often and we chat, it would be odd for her to omit details on this because we've chatted about families and futures for years very open and honestly I think.

OP posts:
Wombat69 · 06/12/2021 20:57

Is this in the Mirror now?

I saw a header on my newsfeed.

JustLarkinAbout · 06/12/2021 21:16

I think I am seeing why her brother has a strained relationship with her! I think I wouldn't make a fuss though, I'd just see what the parents decide to do (politely giving them a time point to make a decision by though, ie the day before the shopping order needs finalising or big shop will occur). And if they don't come this year, have a lovely time just doing what your nuclear family fancy doing.

(And I agree that TTC for 6 months isn't infertility. I don't think it sounds like she was 'reaching out' to you either, and she's been very insensitive 'forgetting' what you went through, too. She's going to get worse, IMO, whether she manages to conceive soon or not. I am very sympathetic when people have genuine long term infertility problems and would of course make allowances for any emotional and mental anguish that may come with it, but she just sounds like a draining and demanding drama llama.)

Fidgetty · 06/12/2021 21:25

She sounds like a right drama llama. She could have the good grace to make up an excuse other than "I'm jealous that you have what I want, even though statistically I'll probably have it soon, but nevertheless I'm going to spit the dummy and insist my mummy and daddy cater to my toddler whims". I'd just reply "ok, whatever suits" and ignore it all. Just focus on having a lovely Xmas with your family and leave them to it.

Fleshmechanic · 06/12/2021 21:28

I would simply not reply and just enjoy my own Christmas. Honestly, she just sounds like the worst and you should just not waste your energy and just focus on your own little family. Echoing others, she has no clue what struggling to conceive actually is. 5 months, fucking lol.

BungleandGeorge · 06/12/2021 21:48

People cope with a lot of hard times at Christmas- death, major illness, relationship break ups. If they feel they can’t participate that’s understandable but the rest is out of order really. There’s pretty much always someone worse off than yourself, so throwing the ‘fortunate’ thing around isn’t fair really

MichelleScarn · 06/12/2021 21:55

@Lennybenny

It's possible someone she knows has announced a pregnancy after a few months trying and she's struggling and taken it out on you....I do the same to my sister. I found out a friend was pregnant for the 2nd time when I was trying for my 1st and was on the 3rd year of trying. I wasn't able to speak to my friend for a few weeks while I git past it and then found out I was pregnant when she was about 4 months.
Have you apologised for 'taking things out on' your sister? I hope you don't mean this is a regular occurance!
Mumkins42 · 06/12/2021 22:00

It's a completely unnecessary dig at you regardless of any struggles they are going through. I would take some time to reply. I feel you cannot change the outcome of this so it's best to pull back and just celebrate with your own family - leaving the parent to do as they choose with your absolute blessing.
I don't care what someone is going through - I have been through hell and my ljfe is comparatively unfair compared to others in certain ways, yet, it is not right or fair to dump on someone else like this. You have done nothing wrong and it isn't your fault.
Maybe when the dust has settled you may find there's more to it. She soujds incredibly butt as I something has been said or done that makes her feel she is having her bise rubbed in it. It may be I've sensitivity but it may not. For now just back away graciously and say as little as possible other than to just say you understand things are difficult at the moment. You owe no apologies from what I see

Dramaqueenbee · 06/12/2021 22:03

We waited 7 years for our first child after years of yearning and congratulating other people when they got pregnant and had children. Through my own sadness I would never let it affect how I was with others especially family. After what you have been through your sister in law should be celebrating with you as an extended family and keeping positive that her turn will come. She hasn’t been trying that long and she can try IVF later down the line.

headintheproverbial · 06/12/2021 22:05

She sounds deranged.

We struggled with secondary infertility and understand the pain of it but seriously I don't feel like 4-5 months counts. Yes she might be starting to feel stressed but essentially cancelling Christmas AND expecting her parents to miss put on seeing their grandparents is delusionally self centred.

As others have said let DH deal but remind her of your losses too.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 06/12/2021 22:07

And... What's wrong with leaving them Alone for a good part of case day?
They are adults surely not young dc Confused
Maybe sil and her dh would enjoy sometime alone in the the house! How utterly peculiar?
Imagine struggling with to get my head around it, I also assume sil will be at mils for many days!

What a ridiculous situation.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 06/12/2021 22:09

Op and what about your own dc?
Are they close to you sil? Isn't Xmas about children mostly??

amc8583 · 06/12/2021 22:22

If only she knew what infertility really meant. Some of us have been through hell and back and honestly I want to laugh when she says she's been trying to conceive for 5 months! I can understand she is feeling sensitive but I'm wondering if she will avoid all family gatherings until she is pregnant? Her behaviour is strange and you are totally in your rights to be pissed off!

SammyScrounge · 06/12/2021 22:34

The grandparents will want to spend Christmas Day with the grandchildren. That is a high point for grandparents when the children are so small. Your SIL is selfish and self absorbed.

Bertiebiscuit · 06/12/2021 23:03

Surely your in laws will not low tow to her unreasonable controlling demands - she needs to grow up and start to notice that other people exist and have feelings - so narcissistic - to ruin everyone's Xmas to try to make herself feel better - really not ok and someone needs to tell her

newn · 06/12/2021 23:28

Sorry, she is being selfish.

My sister had a miscarriage and attended all things when we fell pregnant and never once threw it in our face. No one wants others to not conceive and I find it weird it's taken out on those who have. It's not easy for many, many people. You're family and that seems like a control thing to me.

Saoirse82 · 06/12/2021 23:51

What a fucking cheek! She's only been trying a few months! And to talk about your good fortune with your fertility history is just so low. It took me almost 9 years to have my daughter and I had failed ivf and miscarriages but I would NEVER behaved like this and to talk about your good fortune sounds like she's twisting the knife. She sounds horrible.