SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

[gloriousgolden]

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

These things tend to worry us more when we are young. Trust me, move on, let her have her tantrums in her own time. She sounds bitter and sad...if anything, I would pity her. What a miserable way to go through life. Honestly, it sounds as though it's better that she's made this announcement. As sad as it is when one family member decides to create disharmony (we all have at least one!), it does make it easier if they choose to remove themselves from your life. Continue to be decent but tell her that if she doesn't want to visit, she need not feel compelled, she is after all a grown woman, she is not your responsibility.
Your MIL/FIL are free agents, it isn't up to you or her to decide their plans. If they decide to change them because of their daughter, then so be it, they've made their choice. My MIL made a similar decision for Christmas a few year's ago, it was insulting, but we simply decided that was that. She had made her choice and showed where her loyalties were. We've continued our relationship with her, we are never unkind, but there are no pre planned Christmas invites (or Mother's Day etc). In the end, we have never 'punished' her, she's a grown woman and we are adults too, but we don't make plans around her or with her in mind for these special occassions anymore. TBH, it's my kids who bear the brunt of her divided loyalty. But we can't protect them from who people are. No matter what happens, determine that your day will be spent with the people who matter to you and you matter to most!

She sounds attention-seeking and dramatic.

I'm sure her competitive edge has come into play because she didn't fall pg first month of trying, or in the following 5m - but that does' tmean she's got a problem as such, so she's just being a bit precious.

However, she's now created a "situation" and really it's up to your ILs how they play it now - pander to her, or say "ffs, if you don't want to go to your brother''s that's up to you, but we're going to see our DGC on Christmas day." That's what I'd do, in their place.

Tbh I think it’s quite a big thing for her to tell you how she’s feeling, especially with her a being competitive person. If it were me I’d tell that you understand completely and you’re so sorry she’s going through a hard time.
And on the positive side DSIL sounds like she can be a bit hard work any way ,so it might be easier for you anyway tbh.

It is possible that she may have been trying for much longer than you think. I think that when we are going through struggle and depression we become the most selfish people, because all we can see is our own struggle and everyone else in comparison appears to have good fortune.

Try not to take it personally.

That was a good response.

I would have struggled not to say something about not feeling very fortunate when I was mourning the loss of my baby. You were very restrained and kind. I guess that’s the difference between you though - some people become more empathic as a result of their own difficulties, some people less so.

Firstly, I've been TTC for 11 years. 3 miscarriages and it's not looking good, but come on how selfish can she be! I understand the longing and feeling it's unfair but you can't take it out on family because they have children, and even if you did have your babies easily with no problems how on earth would that be rubbing your good fortune in her face?! She is jealous I get that but you should tell her straight that the comment was out of order!

I have not read the full thread

But I think that because I so very desperately wanted children with every fibre of my being
And I am eternally grateful and so blown away by fact that I was able to have children means…

That I would be absolute pushover in this scenario and basically say “whatever works for you”

She’s being incredibly mean and ridiculous. Does she avoid everything with children? And they’ve hardly been trying very long. So everyone’s Christmas is ruined because of her, how selfish. How are you going to explain that to your kids?? She’s clearly forgotten what you went through 😖

That’s not to say she is not being entirely unreasonable!

I just know that I’d be a pushover in the particular scenario when I’m any other - I’m absolutely not!

In view of sil staying for a week over xmas, dont you think that the pils coming to you for 1 of the Xmas days is fair, particularly as their are Grandchildren who generally Xmas revolves around when they are small & still believe in Santa ?

Do not personally reply, leave it up to your husband ignore the whole thing. I understand people saying infertility is tough, but trying for six months isn't infertility especially when compared to losses and losing part of your insides. I'd be pretty pissed off and would probably say all this to her face, but that's because I'm an asshole. Let hubby sort it out and say to the parents 'do whatever makes you comfortable' and you carry on with your Christmas with significantly reduced contact with her from now on!

@TyrannosaurusRights

My husband and I needed IVF to have our babies. While obviously that period was very difficult I can also recognise how incredibly fortunate we are that we have our family now. Can you not recognise that you are incredibly fortunate to have your children and that might be difficult for someone who clearly had hoped for marriage and children much sooner, and who is concerned an infertility diagnosis is looming.

Disagree. Inviting family to dinner is not rubbing your good fortune in anyones face. It’s just being nice. If she didn’t want to go then there a hundred ways to decline without being rude.

Only read a few posts and maybe I'm wrong. I personally think she is trying to get a rise out of you, so she can have Christmas at hers with her parents. The fatality issue is a none start it has been no time at all, so unless she has been informed their is a problem then she is being unreasonable. Its Christmas and generally you just have to suck up your issues, it's one bloody day.

@Blue4YOU

I’m going back to my earlier comment.. why can’t you accept she’s in a dark place? Did she say she was struggling with infertility? As far as the Op knows she’s been trying for a few months- there could be more to it. Why is everyone piling on in a competition of who’s had worse pregnancy experiences etc? It’s just fucking Christmas dinner not meeting Barack Ombama

She might be in a dark place. She’s also rude.

It sounds like she’s just distressed by not being able to conceive yet, and maybe she’s had investigations you don’t know about, or fertility treatment, that has resulted in bad news for their ability to conceive in future. Maybe she’s had a recent miscarriage and can’t talk about it.

We struggled for years TTC our second, and I found it very hard when others had babies. Now I’m pregnant with that longed for child I completely understand when friends suffering infertility don’t want my pregnancy in their face and avoid me for now.

Wow that comment I can’t get my head around it’s so mean ,kinda evil really in my opinion, let her cancel but don’t change anything parents with you and she can have them on another day he is their son too .

Let her get on with it
You concentrate on your own kids. That’s what Christmas is about. Seems she has a touch of the green eyed monster. Not been easy for you🎄

You will have a better Christmas with your little ones without her op, be glad she cancelled and didn't come and ruin your Christmas. It is sad she is having problems with TTC of course it is, so she has done the right thing for you and her. You have missed a bullet.

I wouldn't invite her again either, there is a lot of unspoken history as you have said, and that is not going to magically disappear.

Your children are a lovely age for Christmas, don't let anyone spoil it for you op.

She’s expecting your IL’s to forgo seeing their grandchildren and make an unplanned Christmas dinner for her? And she’s there all week so naturally they should not come Christmas Eve nor Boxing Day and you can’t come to their house either, I suppose?

She needs to stay home.

She sounds so selfish.

Happy to prevent her parents watching the joy of their grandchildren so they can tend to her selfish, poisonous misery.

If she is so miserable she should stay at home.

You were correct to leave the decision to her parents, their choice.

I feel sorry for your husband.

TTC for five months is not infertility. I appreciate she may have got herself in a dark place over this but she comes across as demanding, self obsessed and awkward.

Like many others here who had fertility problems, we went for several years to christmas parties, birthday celebrations and christenings without revealing our heartache until we were lucky enough to conceive. I'm sorry the clumsy way she has behaved has opened up the pain you experienced, but am really pleased for you that you succeeded in having two.

She's also put your PIL in a very difficult position, having to choose between their two children. She sounds spoilt and manipulative. It appears that you are going to have a lifetime of difficulty with her, especially if she has kids. I think I'd deal with her by mentally putting her in a special awkward box, and decide not to expect too much from her, insulate your family as much as possible from her craziness and plan alternatives when she becomes too demanding and lets everyone down. If your PIL feel duty bound to spend Christmas suffering with her, then I'd arrange something special for them with your children on another day. Good luck!

One of the best bits of advice I was given about difficult people was to have zero expectations of them, then I would not be disappointed. If they then do something decent, it's a bonus. Now when certain people do things it bothers me much less as I wasn't expecting them to do it in the first place. Over time I also reduced my own standards around them and have fewer expectations of myself to do things for them.

Agree with other comments. That's not infertility. I struggled with infertility and it's awful but not an excuse to be a dick to anyone, including your family. She's been very selfish here. I would respond and explain the struggles that you went through to highlight that everyone has problems, but not everyone chooses to be a dick because of them.

I think your response was perfect. She’s totally OTT and this is now it. She’s struggling with fertility because she fully expected to be pregnant within a week of trying. She’s somebody who can’t be told no and throws a paddy when she doesn’t get her own way immediately. She was trying to provoke you and blow it up into an east Enders style drama. Go grey rock. Anyone with a baby is now on her radar for nastiness. You cannot win or reason with people like this. You would do best to never respond to anything she sends or does immediately. Always wait at least 24 hours and get outside opinions on a response before sending because this is just a small sample of what is to come. I recommend you take her off all of your social media and block her. Anything you post about your children will fuel her fire. Become passive grey rock. If she asks why you’ve taken her off social media you say “hope you’re ok. I thought it best as I’m really worried about you and wouldn’t want to upset you. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas” do not engage in any negative conversations about her to anyone in the family. Your blanket response is “it must be really hard and we understand” don’t send anything for Christmas not even a card. If you send a card signed from your children then she will use that as an emotional weapon because you have ruined her Xmas as you sent a reminder that you have a baby and she doesn’t. You are now her enemy in her mind so you must withdraw from the battle and give her zero ammunition.