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Original poster

SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

583 replies

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2021 18:32

It’s one thing to be sensitive to people experiencing fertility problems - I am all for that.

But the comment about it being “rubbed in her face” was incredibly solipsistic and nasty. And trying to claim one set of grandparents for herself is very controlling. She sounds very selfish.

It’s probably worth meeting with kindness and I wouldn’t open a rift over it but I would mentally build in a bit of distance and stop trusting her. I certainly wouldn’t share anything personal with her ever again.

Lostgirl78 · 06/12/2021 18:32

I was infertile for 10 years. I would never ever have treated someone like that. You need to tell her exactly what you've told us.

Elbie79 · 06/12/2021 18:34

@HunkyPunk

I’m agreeing with those saying let it go, and that she’s probably completely consumed by her own struggle to conceive, but I know that in your position, in my head I’d be composing some very spiky replies to her thoughtless comments. Some people are very self-absorbed.
Agree. But very, very tough to be the bigger person in this situation.
Georgeskitchen · 06/12/2021 18:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable. They have only been trying 6 months so it hardly points to infertility. Expecting your In laws to pull out as well is a bridge too far. Tell her to give her head a wobble!!

dibly · 06/12/2021 18:43

Such a hard situation for you both, can totally relate to her troubles - after two failed IVF cycles I couldn’t face being around young children and I’m sure my bitterness at the time directed towards anyone with kids wasn’t pleasant for anyone. I couldn’t see past my grief.

I do think you’re entitled to gently remind her though that you absolutely remember the heartache and loss along the way, and hope that the new year brings the positive news she so wants.

Lifetheuniverseandeverything · 06/12/2021 18:44

She sounds like she reads too much take a break and watches too many soap operas. Let your parents decide. You’re both fortunate to have loving family with whom to spend Christmas time. Could be on an inflatable in the sea.

MrsLighthouse · 06/12/2021 18:46

The in-laws should make their own minds up, but honestly he easiest thing to do is accept what she says , say you understand and have a small ( cheaper ! ) happy Christmas. Why add to her difficulties when she’s actually been honest with you about her reasons. Hope it works out. Enjoy x

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/12/2021 18:48

I am not sure if it was meant as a dig, and know it is hard when you are TTC but what happened to being pleased for other people when they have nice things happen to them? I think begging off for Christmas is BS.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2021 18:55

"My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while."

I think she has effectively shown why your husband has a strained relationship with his sister - because out of the blue, with no reason, she is very good at sticking the knife in. As many have already pointed out, TTC for six months is really not 'infertility'; so her stabbing you with the phrase 'good fortune' is completely uncalled for. 'Good fortune' has the nuance of something falling into your lap, it is completely inappropriate where the path has been long and arduous, as she know it to have been. And "good fortune rubbed in her face" - the only rubbing going on is from her 'up the wrong way'Angry. No, that's just a bit of unmitigated nastiness on her part.

She's showing you who she really is and has always been (especially to your husband). I'd keep that in the back of my mind about her from now on. As well as keeping her at arms length.

"She is a selfish person in many respects but I want her to know I'm approachable and I am here for her and I think getting DH to respond would ruin our relationship in that respect?"
Please consider that you don't have the relationship with her that you think you do. Being there for her just means you'll be giving her further opportunity to take her sharp little knife/words to you again.

Original poster
gloriousgolden · 06/12/2021 18:58

I do acknowledge and cherish how fortunate we are, I'm sure I said so in my OP? The issue I've got with her referencing my good fortune is that is was an unnecessary, hurtful comment and it pissed me off.

I saw MIL yesterday who raised the subject and said her "dramatic" change of plans RE xmas have put them in "a very difficult position".

My SIL lives over an hour away and so would be staying with the in laws for the xmas week. For them to come without her will leave SIL and BIL in their house for a large part of xmas day.

I said they were free to do whatever they felt best in light of the "situation" we now have. But that as they had already accepted the invitation many mo this ago, it is likely to upset DH equally if they now choose not to spend it with us. My FIL hasn't an ounce of empathy and so just thinks she is being ridiculous.

I can't quite believe the level of pandering and drama, I'm so not invested in drama this christmas, I just want a nice day with the children.

I responded to SIL to say:

"Thanks for letting me know. Hope you are ok, always here to chat. Will let your parents decide what they want to do. Have a good christmas"

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 19:01

Your struggle don’t make it any easier for you. And, it’s really not a problem to you that they don’t come. Just accept that is how she feels and enjoy the day.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 19:02

*doesn’t make it any easier for her.

Lennybenny · 06/12/2021 19:04

It's possible someone she knows has announced a pregnancy after a few months trying and she's struggling and taken it out on you....I do the same to my sister. I found out a friend was pregnant for the 2nd time when I was trying for my 1st and was on the 3rd year of trying. I wasn't able to speak to my friend for a few weeks while I git past it and then found out I was pregnant when she was about 4 months.

cakewench · 06/12/2021 19:06

I like your response to SIL.

Pulling her up on her wording of her message was never going to go well. It's good that you haven't, if you're trying to remain friendly.

Leaving it with the inlaws is the only way forward. She's being selfish (as you say, 4 is a great age and I'm sure they'd love to be there for that) but she's also their daughter and they can deal with that. It isn't your problem to fix, imo.

Wombat69 · 06/12/2021 19:08

Good response.

Pancakeorcrepe · 06/12/2021 19:08

She sounds absolutely ridiculous. She wants drama, don’t give it to her. Your text was great. Polite but not pandering to her.

User310 · 06/12/2021 19:09

I’m quite shocked at the level of sympathy for a women who finds it hard to be around her own nieces and nephews and family because she hasn’t got exactly what she want after 5 months! This is such self absorbed behaviour… maybe after a year I may start to have some sympathy but really?!!

Op, enjoy your Christmas, I would y want somebody round my house who resented me and my family for absolute no other reason that at present she is not getting her own way.

Clymene · 06/12/2021 19:17

@Lennybenny

It's possible someone she knows has announced a pregnancy after a few months trying and she's struggling and taken it out on you....I do the same to my sister. I found out a friend was pregnant for the 2nd time when I was trying for my 1st and was on the 3rd year of trying. I wasn't able to speak to my friend for a few weeks while I git past it and then found out I was pregnant when she was about 4 months.
But she isn't on the 3rd year of trying. She's been trying for less than 6 months Confused

She sounds insufferable. I'm afraid she's forcing your poor in laws to choose between their grandchildren or their adult giant toddler ...

Clymene · 06/12/2021 19:18

And yes your text was perfect. What a silly way to behave.

Gwrach · 06/12/2021 19:22

I don't get why infertility allows you to be a twat to your family.

I had 16 miscarriages, diagnosed with a genetic condition meaning 50% of my eggs are useless. Couldn't have IVF without PGS which the NHS wouldn't fund in my area.

Not once did I refuse to see my baby nephews or nieces, decline a baby shower invite for good friends or just general begrudge anyone for their lovely little newborn.

Eventually I fell pregnant with DS and he stuck by chance by coincidence by fate, by god's grace who knows ....but the celebration my family had when DS arrived safely was heart warming. I was spoilt rotten as was DS, and you know why, because not once regardless of what I went through did I become a dick to others, so when it was finally my turn everyone shared in my joy.

GlomOfNit · 06/12/2021 19:26

Wow, she's being extremely insensitive and self-centered, if she thinks TTC and no luck after 6 months is 'infertility' FFS. And if she knows about all the pain and trauma you went through, OP, and still says you'd be 'rubbing her nose in your good luck' then she is a dick, frankly.

Wokahontas · 06/12/2021 19:30

I used to have to pander to and pussyfoot around my SIL and it got me nowhere and now I absolutely refuse to give her an inch. Please don't do it.

She has only been trying for 5 months. That is nothing. It took me 3 years to get DC no.1 and another 3 for DC no.2 including loads of fertility treatment and miscarriages. I also had a hideous second pregnancy and nearly lost my baby. I absolutely REFUSE to make any concessions with anyone over my DC and how lucky they think I am.

When I was TTC one of my friends had 3 DC. Others had 2. I just had to suck it up and get on with it. I never once made a scene over anything and I never once sucked the joy out of someone else's gift. Them having a baby had no relevance to me having my baby.

People who shy away r ruin it for others when they have their babies need to remember that when it is your turn you can then not expect everyone to be happy for you either. I remember some people not being pleased for me, for whatever reason and I just cut them out. I didn't need that crap after all I had been through.

Please don't pander to your SIL's soap opera drama. Just text her ""OK then" and leave it at that. I never pander to my drama queen SIL now. I just do not entertain her at all.

dottiedodah · 06/12/2021 19:35

Maybe your In laws could have Xmas dinner with SIL and hubby .Could they come to you for Christmas Day Tea maybe ? SIL sounds upset .The thing is TTC is illogical in some ways .She obv wants a Baby ASAP .They dont come to order sadly! I think your response was spot on .

Parkingt111 · 06/12/2021 19:36

I can't understand some of the comments on here, I understand it is tough for her but she is saying she doesnt want her own blood neice and nephew rubbed in her face?
these are not some strangers kids

Anitarest · 06/12/2021 19:48

I think your response was good. It moves the problem of whether the parents securely into them. Sorry for your DH if his parents don’t come but it will be their choice.