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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

583 replies

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP posts:
ManicPixie · 06/12/2021 17:34

I understand the strain of TTC but to actually write ‘she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face”’ is a bit pathetic. As of it’s your fault.

PearlyShamps · 06/12/2021 17:38

I understand that she doesn't want to be around babies at the mo, while they are TTC - but she has worded it badly. I would let it go though. You know she's competitive and she probably feels like you're "winning" right now.

Why on Earth should your children not spend their Christmas day with their grandparents, just because their Aunt wants it that way? Does this mean they will not want to spend Christmas with you until they have conceived/given birth? Will they want the grandparents to always spend Christmas with them? That's unreasonable.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 06/12/2021 17:44

@BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months AngryAngry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

This was my thoughts too. It took us 13 months to fall pregnant the first time and I did find it hard in the last few months to be around certain pregnant women but at no point was I going through infertility! We hadn't got as far as any tests or anything like that so had no idea if we couldn't have children.

While I do think you should be more forgiving to women who are going through fertility issues, I do think someone who has tried for 5 or 6 months is being incredibly precious.

In laws should choose where they want to be and she needs to not take it personally if they choose their grandchildren.

angela99999 · 06/12/2021 17:45

Suspect she's being ultra antagonistic to get a rise from you so that she can pull the other relatives away from you at Christmas. Don't rise to it.

HouseAHunting · 06/12/2021 17:47

Amused by her concept of infertility. They have only been trying for half an hour! We have been trying for 3.5 years and 2 failed rounds of IVF, that is actual infertility. I freely admit l would struggle to to spend Christmas with my fiancés brother and his wife with their 2 young children, our last IVF transfer only failed a few weeks ago. Luckily he is an only child so that will never happen!!. Difference is l don't make other people change their plans to accommodate my whims, l wouldn't dream of telling my fiancés parents to exclude his brother even if l didn't want to go.

One thing to remember is you have got what you wanted eventually , a lot of people never actually get 1 child never mind be fortunate to have 2. It was a hard road but you were fortunate enough to get there, she worries she might not. In contrast we have burned through 8 embryos and thousands of pounds for literally nothing. Unless you count weigh gain, ovarian cysts, poor mental health and massive relationship stress

Plumbuddle · 06/12/2021 17:52

@Livelovebehappy

At least you will be having your own parents and siblings over, so I would just leave them and your in-laws to celebrate Xmas by themselves this year. They’re clearly very stressed about the ttc issue, and no matter how irrational you think they’re being, it’s difficult I guess to know just how bad they’re taking it all.
This. Don't get involved in any of this drama. Certainly don't take it personally. If anyone should take it personally it's your dh who is facing some sibling rivalry and territoriality over his parents by his sister. Just a warning, as one from a large family of siblings whose children are now all adult or near adult. Siblings who behave like your sil is doing now, will continue to compete over children for years. Once she has them the competition will move to who is at he better school and then the better uni and the better job. There will also be many more bids to hog the parents at Xmas. Duck out now and let your husband stay in the fight if he wants to. Don't let your children pay the price later. Enjoy your own family in peace.
Alarchbach · 06/12/2021 17:54

@StepAwayFromGoogling

MN is a really peculiar place where anyone TTC can be as much of a dick to other people as they like. I had three miscarriages between DD1 and DD2. I was absolutely devastated. At no point did I think that gave me a free pass to behave like a twat.
^^ this

Another one here who suffered multiple miscarriages, took me 3 years of TTC Before DS was born and 3 miscarriages.
6 months of TTC is not infertility.

She sounds like a right piece of work.

Liekje · 06/12/2021 17:56

She’s not struggling with infertility yet… it’s been a few months even if she’d go see a dr because they haven’t gotten pregnant yet the dr would tell her to come back in another 6 months as they won’t help for the first year of trying anyway.

I’m sorry for your losses though 🥰

Schooldilemma2345 · 06/12/2021 17:57

Is it possible she’s had a recent MC and nit told you?
It does sound pretty insensitive if they’ve only been trying 6 months.
None of this is your fault, it would be kinder if she had been able to explain why she doesn’t feel she can come without making you feel like you’re somehow the bad guy.

BossyFlossie76 · 06/12/2021 17:57

It probably feels forever to her, but it feels a little OTT after just 5 months. Also to say that after your experiences is not cool.

That being said, she’s obviously in a dark place. Just let it go I reckon- if she wants to be at home she can’t reasonably expect others to change their plans.

Choclover27 · 06/12/2021 17:58

Sounds like this is going to be the first step in her emotional manipulation of you. Out of order. Self indulgent. Playing the poor me card when actually she’s just jealous of you. My friend couldn’t ever have children and was devastated. Instead of avoiding me and my children she threw herself into it and has become their honorary auntie. She described her pain and I consoled her. I acted as her referee for adoption but sadly that didn’t come to fruition either. And whilst it might seem like I’m the lucky one, I too had miscarriages plus the death of my dear dad at Christmas when I was 8 months pregnant. Everyone has really tough times, but it’s never an excuse for being mean to others. Stay away from you if she must … but to control the others???

Mandyjack · 06/12/2021 18:00

It might be worth talking to your parents in law and asking them how they feel? Is it possible they could split the time with both of you?

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 06/12/2021 18:01

Actually being around children is an old wives tale known to help conception isn't it?? Maybe there is something in it

lizz789 · 06/12/2021 18:04

Absolutely, nothing to ‘be gentle’ with her about.
She’s being nothing short of a clown

cherish123 · 06/12/2021 18:08

I can understand her feeling like that. However, she can't dictate what her parents do.

Supersimkin2 · 06/12/2021 18:09

Selfish, rude, but hopefully fertile. Even more hopefully, not coming.

SIL's aunt-ing doesn't bode well for her mother-ing.

The rest of you will enjoy Xmas.

Cardiffwales · 06/12/2021 18:12

I can’t imagine the grandparents would want to miss out on a Christmas with their grandchildren. They should be allowed to come!

deathbyprocrastination · 06/12/2021 18:15

YANBU she's being an arse. But for your own sanity try not to get sucked into the drama. you could, as others have suggested, tactfully find a way to remind her what you went through. Very sorry about your losses by the way and I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family

ivykaty44 · 06/12/2021 18:18

tbh if sil is like this after 6 months then its unlikely she will conceive easily, to wound up to relax and get pregnant

Yehbut · 06/12/2021 18:21

I doubt she meant that you were rubbing it in just that it would rub it in and she is owning up to her frailty. And she wants her mum at Christmas. She’s not up to it.

Strokethefurrywall · 06/12/2021 18:21

She’s a twat. Plain and simple.

AffableApple · 06/12/2021 18:24

Never said it was @timeisnotaline. Believe me, I know. Just suggesting there may be more going on the OP is unaware of. But the important thing is that she is simply pulling out and the in-laws should still come to her; she doesn't get a landgrab for Christmas, and for that OP is definitely NBU!

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 06/12/2021 18:25

Enjoy your Christmas OP. I think she is Jealous of you with your family which never came easy and heart ache along the way.
Hopefully one day she will have her family. I think her choice of words were hurtful especially knowing what you have been through.
It took me 13 months until I conceived my Daughter, my second pregnancy I went into premature labour at 26 weeks. My son died due to an infection, then a miscarriage but I was lucky to have another son, 18 months after our heartache. Wishing you a lovely Christmas with your little one's and ignore the comments.

Fredstheteds · 06/12/2021 18:27

Feel for her as I’m wanting another but it’s time and no one can tell how long it takes to first get pregnant . She should not however take it out on you

FootieMama · 06/12/2021 18:30

She is gone a bit crazy putting too much pressure on herself. Try not take it personally. Let the grandparents decide what they want to do. But let it go. Enjoy your Christmas with your small family and hope she will come to her senses soon