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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

583 replies

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 13:11

@PoleFairy

I would shut up and then probably go home and have a good cry.

The thing is no one is actually thoughtless enough to insist that SIL come for Christmas and put a brave face on it. She’s entitled to her feelings. She’s just not entitled to speak to OP like that.

Twylar · 05/12/2021 13:19

Yanbu

simpledeer · 05/12/2021 13:25

If she has only been trying since June, it does seem like a huge over reaction on SILs part.

I would respond saying "thanks for letting us know, see you soon." I would make no comment re the PILS and I would not contact them about it either.

They are a completely separate entity and if they wish to change their plans it is up to them to decide that and communicate with you.

NamechangeApril21 · 05/12/2021 14:07

@BootsScootsAndToots

I would text her back and say you understand.

I probably would also say something like my good fortune did come with a fair bit of misfortune and you understand why she needs some space.

This
timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 14:40

@AffableApple

YABU. She's clearly going through something, even if you don't think six months is infertility. Christmas exacerbates things, but also you're not privy to her medical records. YANBU re her thinking she now gets to claim your in-laws. She's pulled out, but they should still come to you.
6 months isn’t infertility. It’s not whether the op thinks that or not, it’s not. There might be a reason she hasn’t conceived in 6 months which will go on to cause infertility, but trying for 6 months does not mean you suffer from infertility.
pigsDOfly · 05/12/2021 14:48

@BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months AngryAngry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

Agree with this.

They've been trying for what, 6 months, I assume you're talking about June this year? Hardly years of disappointment, and certainly not a case of infertility.

BringMeTea · 05/12/2021 14:55

wtf? 5 months? She's having a Turkish OP. Self obsessed ninny. Just crack on and give her a brief, oh well sorry to hear that hope to see you soon bah blah.

tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 14:55

She's having a Turkish OP.

Grin
billy1966 · 05/12/2021 15:03

@BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months AngryAngry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

If she is trying 6 months then she is one nasty piece of work and I would absolutely not change my Christmas plans.

Be thankful she won't make it.

I absolutely would not withdraw the invitation to your in laws if you genuinely like them.

She is absolutely vicious to have text that and going forward I would be very wary of such poison around my family.

You have had a very rough few years OP.
YOU do not have to accommodate such nastiness.

I would not be tolerating texts like that.

She needs firmly putting in her place for sending such a nasty text.

Flowers
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 05/12/2021 15:24

@gloriousgolden

I don't really want to defer it to my DH to respond. They don't have a great relationship, she tends to correspond through me for family things and I think by getting him to respond to her, it would almost look as though I was stone walling her? She is a selfish person in many respects but I want her to know I'm approachable and I am here for her and I think getting DH to respond would ruin our relationship in that respect?
Why?

You are directing your DHs relationship with her, forcing him to accept second place in your thoughts, relegating him in his own family.

Tell her to grow up and not to treat you, your DH or their parents like pawns in her drama.

He made his decision about her place in his life. Now you have to do the same. If you are the glue that keeps him attached, in touch, with his family then you need to let go.

I say that as someone who made a similar error many years ago.

Halene · 05/12/2021 16:42

@timeisnotaline trying for over six months when you are 35 or over is classed as primary infertility. If she has been trying since June then she would very well be on her eighth cycle by now, and, if over 35, investigations may have started with her GP.

Clymene · 05/12/2021 16:48

[quote Halene]**@timeisnotaline* trying for over six months when you are 35 or over is classed as primary infertility. If she has been trying since June then she would very well be on her eighth cycle* by now, and, if over 35, investigations may have started with her GP.[/quote]
I'm guessing that if she were over 35, the OP would be more sympathetic.

Clymene · 05/12/2021 16:49

And I think it would have been mentioned.

billy1966 · 05/12/2021 16:55

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Excellent point.

OP, is there a reason you think you know better than your husband as to what his relationship with his sister ought to be?

I never get this.

It strikes me as SO disrespectful of your husband.

I feel sorry for your husband that you are so dismissive of his experience of his sister.

It sounds to me like he has the measure of her, but you are foisting a relationship with her on him.

I cannot imagine doing that to my husband that I respect.

It would really piss me off if my husband did that to me.

Perhaps you should reflect on why you are so comfortable showing your husband so little respect and why would you ever be so presumptuous as to think you know his family better than he does.

From your post, you clearly don't.Flowers

blueberryporridge · 05/12/2021 17:23

Her life. Her choice. Leave it be OP

This. She doesn't want to spend Christmas with you. There's no way you are going to change how she feels. There is no point reminding her of your struggles.

On the other hand, you have your own family and can concentrate on having a lovely day with them. Leave the GPs to sort out what they want to do. If SIL and GPs decide not to be at yours on Christmas Day, it's their loss, not yours.

tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 18:40

@MrsLarry

Her life. Her choice. Leave it be OP
Sigh. Do people even bother reading? The OP doesn’t mind at all that SIL doesn’t want to come for Christmas. She understands why SIL any not want to be around dc.
tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 18:41

@blueberryporridge

Her life. Her choice. Leave it be OP

This. She doesn't want to spend Christmas with you. There's no way you are going to change how she feels. There is no point reminding her of your struggles.

On the other hand, you have your own family and can concentrate on having a lovely day with them. Leave the GPs to sort out what they want to do. If SIL and GPs decide not to be at yours on Christmas Day, it's their loss, not yours.

OMG. OP is not trying to change how SIL feels. She gets it. Totally. She’s annoyed at basically being told she would be rubbing her dc in SIL’s face.
Alwayscheerful · 05/12/2021 18:49

Not only will she miss Christmas with your children but she wants to deny her parents spending Christmas with their grandchildren.
Tell the Grandparents they are very welcome to spend Christmas with you and let them decide.

ParishSpinster · 05/12/2021 21:11

You've two options really, OP.

  1. Reply with a bland "thanks for letting me know, hopefully we can catch up over Christmas as we are only round the corner/10 minutes away from your parents.
  1. Reply to her comments "thanks for letting us know. I know how hard it is to struggle with getting pregnant, I hope you have good news soon. And hopefully we can meet up over the Christmas period seeing as we are only round the corner/10 minutes from your parents.

She has lashed out, unkindly, and I think looking for a fight. Not with you but maybe to help with some of her feelings in TTC and not getting pregnant when she wanted to.

Its not fair she has said she wants your PIL to decline your invitation- she is directly forcing you to go for some sort of tug of love contest. Drop the rope. Let them decide what they want to do.

She was hurtful and YANBU at all. But it will be better if you don't respond in kind, longer term as well as making sure you have no regrets.

Hollywolly1 · 05/12/2021 22:14

I would just reply to her say no problem for not coming and don't mention the grand parents, let them make up their own minds. I would be wary of the sil though going forward wouldn't have much to do with her as she seems fairly jealous of your situation which is unfair as your children are yours its not like you stole them from her.Like your kids are her nieces and nephewsHmm,strange woman and agree with other posters she is a dick

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 12:06

Did you reply op?

LittleGwyneth · 06/12/2021 13:02

I think TTC can make you a bit loopy, not least because it erases any hardship another person has been through if they've got living children now. Honestly I think you have to allow her this madness, and feel privately glad you're not going through that yourself.

Jessicafirsttimer · 06/12/2021 17:29

I totally understand how being around kids is hard when you have suffered losses or can’t conceive at all BUT she’s only been trying a few months. She sounds like a hysterical b1tch. Cut her loose and keep her at arms length. She’s going to be hard work.

Crumpetsforthequeen · 06/12/2021 17:30

Just letting you know you've been picked up by the tabloids x

OVienna · 06/12/2021 17:33

To make the choice for herself is one thing - to do it for her parents is another, and also outrageous. Not her place at all to try to control their decision which of their children to spend the holiday with.