Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

@Whydidimarryhim I think there is a big difference between someone whose appearance changes because they are unwell, for example losing hair with chemo vs someone who had one baby two years ago and went from a size 10 to 14 and stayed there.

@DeepaBeesKit

I don’t know womens sizes, but a google shows a size 14 is quite a bit above the serious risk of developing heart disease, type 2 diabetes and stroke where waist size is concerned.

Are you sure you are looking at a UK 14? A UK 14 woman of the average height of women in their 30s will usually have a healthy BMI, its curvy, not overweight.

I think so, but I could be wrong, do other countries use a number rather than actual measurements? A size 14 showed a 36 inch waist, above 34 inches would put someone as very high risk of heart disease, stroke and type 2 diabetes (figures are lower if the woman isn’t white).

I don't think a 14 is a36 inch waist is it?

Up until a few months ago I was a 14 and my waist was around 31.

Don't tell him you need free time to go to the gym. Tell him he needs to step up and pull his weight but don't tell him what you intend to use your free time for.

Otherwise you're basically saying "please look after our child while I make myself physically appealing for you". That's not you having free time - it's just a whole other load of wife work.

If you want to use that time for gym/hair/makeup that's fine. But don't feel like you have to.

That could be a USA size 14. UK size 14 is about 31 inch waist and can easily be within healthy BMI for someone 5'6 or over.

@girlmom21

Don't tell him you need free time to go to the gym. Tell him he needs to step up and pull his weight but don't tell him what you intend to use your free time for.

Otherwise you're basically saying "please look after our child while I make myself physically appealing for you". That's not you having free time - it's just a whole other load of wife work.

If you want to use that time for gym/hair/makeup that's fine. But don't feel like you have to.

I'd agree with all of that except the gym bit. We do have a responsibility to ourselves to stay fit and strong and healthy. So some form of exercise in our free time is essential, whether it's what we most want to do or not.

That sounds a good plan. Also build some exercise into what you do with DD, Eg walks in park etc.

The better you feel, the happier you’ll be. But you don’t have to be back to who you were.

DH sounds cruel.

OP, the way he approached it was terrible. But the gift hidden in there is his brutal honesty, as it highlights how you feel about yourself and gives you the chance to examine it. Not to doll yourself up for him, but to decide if you prefer a more natural easygoing version of you, or if you prefer a more high-maintenance version. The weight can be a part of that, or not.

It’s possible that he feels neglected / invisible to you, and this could be the cause of his anger building up. Many men feel sidelined once a baby is born, but they don’t know how to vocalise it without sounding like they’re illogically jealous of the attention given to their own child.

Ask him where his anger comes from? Dig deeper? And for sure make sure he knows that wording things that way is out of line and belittling. Tell him you expect kind communication and support moving forward.

I don’t know what your relationship is like beyond this snippet of information. I don’t know if he’s the vain, shallow, controlling type who expects you to be a trophy for him; or if the two of you shared certain values previously and he now feels like he’s on his own.

I hope you’re ok.

@hivemindneeded it's perfectly possible to remain fit and healthy without going to the gym. She spends 4 days a week taking care of a toddler. There are loads of activities she can do while looking after little one that would keep her active.

Holy moly if DH and I criticised one another for staying in pyjamas until noon with a toddler we'd be in serious trouble! I find it weird that people equate getting dressed with some sort of morality and work ethic. I'm perfectly capable of being a productive member of society in soft stretchy cotton...

Anyway, OP I agree with the PPs that basically tell him to fuck off. I can't think of any decent person in a loving relationship with someone they care about using the words 'let yourself go'. Even if he was finding you less attractive than he used to, he must know he's being unkind and unrealistic give your lack of free time.

You don't need to go to the gym to exercise, and having a child around is no excuse not to exercise. There are literally hundreds of workouts on YouTube. Involve your child in some fun dancing around. Get out and about walking with the pram.

@MrsLarry

You don't need to go to the gym to exercise, and having a child around is no excuse not to exercise. There are literally hundreds of workouts on YouTube. Involve your child in some fun dancing around. Get out and about walking with the pram.

Everyone always says this, but I never found home YouTube workouts and walks to have anything like the effect of the gym equipment.

I do have some home exercise stuff now, but it still isn't as good as the gym.

You don't need to go to the gym to exercise, and having a child around is no excuse not to exercise. There are literally hundreds of workouts on YouTube. Involve your child in some fun dancing around. Get out and about walking with the pram

Great! The OPs husband can crack on with these 'helpful' tips then!

Some of the responses on this thread belong in Misogynist Weekly

[quote girlmom21]@hivemindneeded it's perfectly possible to remain fit and healthy without going to the gym. She spends 4 days a week taking care of a toddler. There are loads of activities she can do while looking after little one that would keep her active. [/quote]
Great, DH can do them with the toddler while OP goes to the gym.

Everyone always says this, but I never found home YouTube workouts and walks to have anything like the effect of the gym equipment

Isn’t something like 80% of weight loss to do with diet? Exercise can be going for a walk for 30 mins a day.

Great! The OPs husband can crack on with these 'helpful' tips then!

Explaining why the gym isn’t necessary does not negate the fact the husband is a selfish arse but equally the OP needs to find her voice to tell him “2 of those 4 nights you’re at the gym, those nights are mine now. To do whatever I want”. I do agree with a PP too that IF you want your hair done or a massage or whatever he has now given you the perfect chance to leave the children with him at the weekend and indulge.

He has been very unkind in how he has expressed himself. This stuff is sensitive and he could at least be diplomatic about how he talks about it with you.

Isn’t something like 80% of weight loss to do with diet

Weight loss and maintenance, yes. Cardiac fitness, strength, flexibility and muscle toning - exercise. And I never found any home stuff to work as well as the gym equipment.

Isn’t something like 80% of weight loss to do with diet? Exercise can be going for a walk for 30 mins a day.

Yes!
I'm back to my prepregnacy weight after 3 months of watching what I eat
I'm also breastfeeding which helps but only just started to use the gym

2 years and no weight loss is lazy or she's just happy with the weight

Hi Op just sending you a bit of moral support.

I was considered attractive before I had my DC. I was size 6/8, made an effort & looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

But now with a pre-schooler I have no time to get ready - I don’t know how other women do it because if I turn my back for 10 minutes to try & look vaguely presentable she’s trashing the house - she won’t look at toys or books nicely while I get ready, not a chance. Unfortunately her dad isn’t around in the mornings as he leaves at ridiculous-o’clock for work so I’m on my own. So yes I frequently end up doing the school run with my PJ top under my coat & shove a hat over my unstyled hair (doesn’t help that I have the most horrible hair that needs styling to look even average). I’ve also put on weight.
I’m so ashamed

The thing is even at weekends when my DH is here he doesn’t appreciate that I need time to get ready (and I’m talking 20/30 minutes not 3 hours!)
So right now he’s cleaning his bike while I’m looking after DC , he will no doubt be cleaning the bike until 5 minutes before we need to leave so I will have 3 minutes to get ready, or I’ll have to try & get ready with DC under my feet which just isn’t worth it.

Also even if I do leave DC downstairs with DH to try and get ready she’s having a fit & shrieking for me within 5 minutes.

Combined with Covid & WFH I end up feeling like it’s just not worth the stress of trying to get ready and have stopped bothering. I know I should do it for myself though.

I’m just hoping once DC turns 4 (in 6 months) I’ll be able to just leave her for ten minutes without the house- trashing. (Before anyone suggests locking her in her room with stair gates she climbs over them)

So just offering a bit of solidarity really.

And your DH should show more love & respect to you.

I've not been near a gym in 10 years yet am lighter than my pre pregnancy weight. Walking, running round after kids and eating less all help! You don't need a gym.

@Tonimacaroni80

You have a massive DH problem.

@Greenrubber

Isn’t something like 80% of weight loss to do with diet? Exercise can be going for a walk for 30 mins a day.

Yes!
I'm back to my prepregnacy weight after 3 months of watching what I eat
I'm also breastfeeding which helps but only just started to use the gym

2 years and no weight loss is lazy or she's just happy with the weight

Baby weight loss involves a fair degree of luck and genetics too, although people don't always want to hear that. I was back to my prepregnancy weight after 4 months of not remotely watching what I ate, and I didn't breastfeed either.

@MrsLarry

You don't need to go to the gym to exercise, and having a child around is no excuse not to exercise. There are literally hundreds of workouts on YouTube. Involve your child in some fun dancing around. Get out and about walking with the pram.

It's not just about time; it's also about headspace. Shall I exercise or shall I prep for dinner later/ tackle that washing/ do the skirting boards that have been bugging me/ do some writing work with my eldest/ finish that paperwork for this client/ send a text to that friend who's having a nice time/ order a gift for that birthday. And sometimes I just haven't the energy or motivation to start leaping around the living room.

Also, my 1 year old hates the pram now for longer than about 15 minutes so getting out and about is about her development, and moving at her snail's pace. It's a tough age.

Diet is easier to focus on than exercise and more impactful. I don't think it's always helpful to make people, who are already working really hard, feel ashamed for neglecting one aspect of their life.

@VikingOnTheFridge yes, if she wants to go the the gym. You obviously didn't read my previous comment.

This is all true mrstophamhat. And get out with the pram? This is a 2 year old, so the days of strapping the little one in and going on a power walk while they nap may very well be long gone! That just reads like the poster you quote has misread the age of the DC...