Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

[quote girlmom21]**@VikingOnTheFridge* yes, if she wants* to go the the gym. You obviously didn't read my previous comment. [/quote]
Yes, obviously if she wants to go the gym. The point remains that DH can do these activities with the toddler in lieu of some of his gym visits.

@Hercisback I have many problems and fully acknowledge them but this thread is about OP

@Tonimacaroni80 Not sure how your psot helps. It's reinforcing the idea that Hs have to do nothing while women run around doing everything. It also reinforces that women's MH isn't a priority.

You've sent solidarity but life shouldn't be like that so don't normalise it.

I think there are two sides to this.

On the one side, him being in a bad mood all after noon and then blurting this out was not acceptable. There are gentler ways to address issues and for me, as said, I suspect due to the way this was handled he’s comparing the op to someone else and effectively making it her fault for him looking elsewhere

On the other side, the op does seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in her pyjamas, till noon on non working days and then again last night at seven ish she was in them again.

I do think personal grooming and at least making a small effort to at least be dressed is important. Most people with one two year old can manage to get dressed at least.

If my husband was gaining weight, spending large amounts of time in pyjamas, and doing very little personal grooming I don’t think I’d be attracted to him, and after a while I’d be thinking get dressed at least but I’d handle it sensitively.

Size fourteen is overweight for many women, it depends on height body shape etc, so the potential is the op is overweight, with unstyled hair, no makeup in her pyjamas and dressing gown, for large amounts of time, in fact he likely sees her like that more than he sees her actually dressed.

I’d say there was a deeper issue in this marriage, the op has completely lost interest in her appearance, to the extent even getting dressed is not something to be done regularly, and he’s looking at her and finding it unfathomable and likely in comparison to someone else, a colleague or some woman down the gym.

@VikingOnTheFridge

The ops kid is 2 although the weather isn't great at the moment there's no excuse for not getting any exercise!
God my DD was at the park or going for walks every day no matter what the weather she loved it and I ran around with her

I'm sure genetics do have alot to do with it but so does making an effort some people just have to work harder than others but a bit will power is all they need

Shades of The Handmaid’s Tale on this thread. 😱

And I get everyone saying the husband should look after the kid but there are plenty of single parents who manage to get back to their pre pregnancy weight so although he's not helpful it's not an excuse either

I think it’s a pretty nasty thing to say to you esp If you feel yourself that you have lost a bit of self confidence. I too was in the same position with a 2 year old. I just gradually lost a tiny bit of weight, still remained a 14 and I had my hair chopped. Bobbed infact, and I wish I did it sooner! Can’t believe how different it makes me look and my confidence is much better. So much easier with a toddler too.

[quote girlmom21]@hivemindneeded it's perfectly possible to remain fit and healthy without going to the gym. She spends 4 days a week taking care of a toddler. There are loads of activities she can do while looking after little one that would keep her active. [/quote]
Yes that's true. Get your exercise while at hoime with DC and then spend your free time doing what you want. I agree. It;s just that OP clearly isn't prioritising self care right now and she needs to. Nothing to do with being easy on his eye. Everything to do with regaining a sense of self, strength, vitality and confidence.

@MrsTophamHat

I'm aware of all that you say. I didn't say it was easy. I was a single working parent....i still managed to shower/put on make up/do my hair/get dressed every day. Managed to exercise too. All of this whilst my child was in the house.....had nobody to take him off my hands. It's all about priorities. It was important to me to feel like the old me which in turn was beneficial to my child.

I think the OP has got herself into a rut and she needs to prioritise her own needs to help dig herself out of it.

All these people saying home workouts aren't as good as the gym.....well, yes that's obvious, but surely it's better nothing.

[quote Greenrubber]@VikingOnTheFridge

The ops kid is 2 although the weather isn't great at the moment there's no excuse for not getting any exercise!
God my DD was at the park or going for walks every day no matter what the weather she loved it and I ran around with her

I'm sure genetics do have alot to do with it but so does making an effort some people just have to work harder than others but a bit will power is all they need[/quote]
Again though, these are all things DH can do while OP gets the same opportunity as him to go to the gym, or a class. The whole point is that they should both get equal chance of free time to do exercise as they wish without having to combine it with the two year old. They're currently not. That's a problem. It's a problem even if OP were already getting loads of exercise on her childcare days.

I doubt many of us (inc him)! look like we did when first married. TBH he sounds like a lot of idiot men .You have a 2 year old and work PT. Anyone who has spent some time with a tot that sort of age ,will relate that you dont get much spare time for grooming yourself!

The two issues are the feeling of no time and what the husband has said and though intertwined it’s best to pull them apart.

I’m interested in how you manage your time at home so it means you have no time for yourself. The only time I have ever been not dressed properly and in a mess was when I was in a depressive state. I did work three days, possibly similar hours (18 hours) to you with a toddler and had plenty of time.

But some people have absolutely shocking organisational skills or have a headspace that when they do a task it isn’t done efficiently. It’s not always because that person is depressed. My MIL is lovely but is a naturally slow paced person, preparing a simple lunch takes around three times as long as it takes me. That’s all about how we function as an individual.

Then there is what the husband said. A poster up thread said if real love is involved radical changes are fine. For instance my DH had me as a wife who was exceptionally good at life become seriously ill and then be exceptionally bad at life but he remains steadfast. I was literally non functioning for about four years and in hospital on and off.

Maybe very sadly the love has never been the real deal for him. Many people end up with a person who is not really right for them but when everything is going well it’s enough.

I think there may be more to this than the snapshot the op has shared, and I hope she hasn’t been scared off by judgements about not exercising with dc and staying in pjs beyond lunch time.

I do think the next thing will be yes of course you can have a couple of days to gym, no not Monday that’s leg day, yeah Tuesday is cardio etc etc.

@DeepaBeesKit

I don’t know womens sizes, but a google shows a size 14 is quite a bit above the serious risk of developing heart disease, type 2 diabetes and stroke where waist size is concerned.

Are you sure you are looking at a UK 14? A UK 14 woman of the average height of women in their 30s will usually have a healthy BMI, its curvy, not overweight.

I was a size 12 after second baby for a while and my bmi was 24.9. Thats borderline overweight. Size 14 is definitely overweight for most people. Youre kidding yourself if you think thats curvy. Also, weight is mainly food. The exercise is a bonus to get more toned. When i lost the baby weight i did it mainly through diet. I actually gained a few pounds again when i started exercising several times a week. In my second pregnancy i went from a size 8 to 12. I gained 25kg during pregnancy. When baby was 6 months i was still a size 12 with 15kg more than before i was pregnant. Thats not “a couple of pounds”, its a pretty big change. You should be glad your DH told you its bothering him. Now you can decide how you feel about the change and if you want to go back to your old self or not.

I’m not going to comment on weight gain because that is a truly personal issue. I couldn’t care less about hair or make up, they are entirely subjective.

I will say that schlepping around in pyjamas on the regular isn’t good for anyone. It puts one in a lethargic, soft-focus mindset which eventually leads to a dip in mood and motivation. I have a one off pj day once in a blue moon which is fine for the most part but inevitably leaves me feeling grubby and rather despondent. I never ever want to follow up with another one.

I’ve been up for an hour and I’m still in my pjs now…but I’m about to go for a run. I’ll shower when I get back. Dh will coffee and game at home while I do all that.

Exercise doesn’t have to be at the all-hallowed gym. I lost a ton of weight eating well and running. Running is great too. It’s free, you can go when it suits you, you can listen to your own music and what’s more the scenery changes as you go. I’m quite zealous now and run trail for miles…but just half an hour three times a week maintains weight and fitness really well.

And with that I’ve just enthused myself into my kit. I’m lucky to live next to a beautiful country estate and range of hills. Spoiled for choice. Best gym in the land. Love it.

Going to go against the grain here but I think it should be an unspoken rule that both partners, within reason, make an effort to maintain their appearance. Yeah, life gets in the way but it’s obvious when someone’s given up entirely.

Over 60% of UK adults are overweight, so majority of people replying on here fall into that category.

Despite what your DH has said if you're unhappy with your weight then you should do something about it. If I ever let myself go I'd want my DH to tell me because Everyone else in the streets will just stare and whisper behind your back.

Why have you stopped grooming? Is it because you need to save money or is it because it's not important to you?

It depends what the motivation is

If it's a cost thing / him looking after the kids whilst you get it done then tell him to give you the money for it

@Tonimacaroni80

Hi Op just sending you a bit of moral support.

I was considered attractive before I had my DC. I was size 6/8, made an effort & looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

But now with a pre-schooler I have no time to get ready - I don’t know how other women do it because if I turn my back for 10 minutes to try & look vaguely presentable she’s trashing the house - she won’t look at toys or books nicely while I get ready, not a chance. Unfortunately her dad isn’t around in the mornings as he leaves at ridiculous-o’clock for work so I’m on my own. So yes I frequently end up doing the school run with my PJ top under my coat & shove a hat over my unstyled hair (doesn’t help that I have the most horrible hair that needs styling to look even average). I’ve also put on weight.
I’m so ashamed

The thing is even at weekends when my DH is here he doesn’t appreciate that I need time to get ready (and I’m talking 20/30 minutes not 3 hours!)
So right now he’s cleaning his bike while I’m looking after DC , he will no doubt be cleaning the bike until 5 minutes before we need to leave so I will have 3 minutes to get ready, or I’ll have to try & get ready with DC under my feet which just isn’t worth it.

Also even if I do leave DC downstairs with DH to try and get ready she’s having a fit & shrieking for me within 5 minutes.

Combined with Covid & WFH I end up feeling like it’s just not worth the stress of trying to get ready and have stopped bothering. I know I should do it for myself though.

I’m just hoping once DC turns 4 (in 6 months) I’ll be able to just leave her for ten minutes without the house- trashing. (Before anyone suggests locking her in her room with stair gates she climbs over them)

So just offering a bit of solidarity really.

And your DH should show more love & respect to you.

Your dh should show a bit more love and respect for you too! Appreciate the weekdays - mine is usually gone before 6 too, but if we are going anywhere weekend mornings he is feeding and dressing dc while I get myself ready!

@Monday55

Over 60% of UK adults are overweight, so majority of people replying on here fall into that category.

Despite what your DH has said if you're unhappy with your weight then you should do something about it. If I ever let myself go I'd want my DH to tell me because Everyone else in the streets will just stare and whisper behind your back.

She's a size 14. Noone in the streets is whispering behind her back, fgs.

That’s what I thought. A 14 isn’t ‘people whispering on the streets’ notable. Nowhere near.

As an asides, people whispering on the streets can fuck off in all cases anyway.

@OverTheRubicon People who've known her to be a size 10 and a well groomed person are not gonna tell her she's let herself go. They're just going to whisper about it behind her back. OP knows she's let herself go, apart from her DH looks like no one else has bothered to bring it up.

Yes, they will say…she has put on some weight. Which she has. But not outlandishly…just quite typically. Then they will get on with their business and nothing will happen.

See also:
She’s had her hair cut
She’s wearing a new coat
She has moved house
Etc

Point being…so what?

@Monday55

Over 60% of UK adults are overweight, so majority of people replying on here fall into that category.

Despite what your DH has said if you're unhappy with your weight then you should do something about it. If I ever let myself go I'd want my DH to tell me because Everyone else in the streets will just stare and whisper behind your back.

Nobody thinks about you that much.