Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

There is also other elements to this.

Getting up in the morning and showered, dressed, ready for the day, is a good behavuour to model to children. At two the ops daughter will be noticing when mummy doesn’t get dressed till noon. There are many more important life skills, love, kindness, patience, hard work ethic, abolity to have fun, laugh etc to model to children, but there is no doubt getting up and ready for your day is one of them. Most parents want their kids to get up and ready in thr morning and not to wait till noon. With kids you need to practice what you preach.

On the other side the husband maybe feeling pushed out, like everything is about their child now, intimacy not what it was, and instead of the fit, vibrant well groomed woman he married, he’s now with someone overweight, poorly groomed, who he mainly sees in their pyjamas and dresssing gown, that she stopped making any effort at all, to the extent she doesn’t even get properly dressed often. I somehow suspect he wasn’t standing there in his pyjamas and big dressing gown at tea time in a Saturday taking the discussion with her.

So it’s likely there is much more to this, and the op needs to find out what it is, is it someone else, does he feel pushed out, does he feel like he tries and she doesn’t care about him anymore, he’s now just part of the furniture.

@Bluntness100 I want my DD to get dressed when the circumstances require it, which has not posed an issue despite me generally getting showered and dressed between 10-11 most days.

Not insulting people for being a size 14 and generally being repulsed by this is also something we should want to model to our children, I'd say that's a considerably more damaging message.

I don't see why you feel OP needs to find an excuse for his outburst and focus on his feelings. There isn't always an excuse for being shallow and cruel.

Size 10 to 14 is a large weight gain (as opposed to fluctuation within your own clothing size).

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 I don't think so. I could easily lose that and put it on again and lose it again all the time. It's especially insignificant if someone has had children and been looking after them during the time that they've gained. The person is probably still not overweight, or not significantly.

Yes he’s entitled to his opinion but is it a gym bunny he wants or a real person

@Whydidimarryhim Especially a real mum to a young child. Some women bounce back but others it can take a fair while/stay on. Ald this is the mother of his child.

If OP's man was perfect he would have said, 'let me have DC today. You go to the gym and get your hair done and let's make sure you have time for yourself to do all those fitness classes you used to love. You deserve it.'

I think even that can come across wrong. I had one say 'here's some money go and get yourself a haircut.' It came across as quite obnoxious, and I don't thin there was much wrong with my hair anyway.

But we're not perfect. In the fog of raising a small child, he spoke tactlessly. But it could be the cue OP needs to start taking her own care, health and needs seriously and prioritising them.

Plenty of women would still be resentful after he'd said what he said.

@MrsTophamHat

Some posters are expecting a lot, in my opinion.

We do not expect men to buy and apply make up to their faces every day just to look passable. Most men also do not need to style their hair with heat and pins etc. daily to say to the world they've made an effort. Men also can get away with relaxed jeans, loose t shirt and trainers in a way that if women dressed like that might make them look slobby.

OP states that she is showered and has brushed her hair, but does not often wear make up. She dresses "OK" by her own standards, but SOMETIMES stays in her pyjamas for a few hours in the morning. Last night she committed the crime of wearing a dressing gown in the evening. Maybe her day clothes were dirty or uncomfortable, should she have put on another outfit for a December Saturday night in the house?

Totally agree. The very phrase 'styling your/her hair' is threatening to push me over the edge. Maybe she'll start wearing make-up and 'styling her hair' 🤢 when he does.

2 years is a long time in the weight loss world. I think it’s unreasonable to expect a woman to bounce back in a matter of months, but there is that expression “9 months to gain the weight; 9 months to lose”, it is a pretty reasonable length of time; or a year. 2 years is ages. People who think 14 isn’t overweight are in denial. But that’s why 60% of women in this country are overweight!

We do not expect men to buy and apply make up to their faces every day just to look passable. Most men also do not need to style their hair with heat and pins etc. daily to say to the world they've made an effort. Men also can get away with relaxed jeans, loose t shirt and trainers in a way that if women dressed like that might make them look slobby

How ridiculous. Plenty of women wear athleisure - extremely comfortable and looks fine. Totally acceptable. Men have to shower, shave their face (some men daily), most do like to style their hair, and many have to wear suits to work whereas women don’t. It’s not sexist to expect your partner to have some sort of personal pride in their appearance.

How ridiculous. Plenty of women wear athleisure - extremely comfortable and looks fine. Totally acceptable. Men have to shower, shave their face (some men daily), most do like to style their hair, and many have to wear suits to work whereas women don’t. It’s not sexist to expect your partner to have some sort of personal pride in their appearance.

It's not ridiculous at all, can you really not see the difference in the level of expectations put on men and women? The only part of that statement that is questionable is the hair pins bit.

Women in general ARE considered slobby if they wear things as loose fitting as most men wear every day. Men do not have to shave their face, certainly not to the degree that it is expected women will shave their legs and underarms, beards are a social norm. Women are expected to wear restrictive clothes to work just as much as men are. Many men do not style their hair.

I expect my partner to stay clean and he expects the same from me, but if the expectation is for women to be shaven, wearing makeup, with styled hair and/or restrictive clothes then there is a sexist issue there.

@TheVolturi

Also, I still can't believe that it's legal for the dm to screenshot posts with usernames and post online! I know this forum is public, but an abusive husband isn't necessarily going to be looking on here, but he might come across something on the dm that his wife has posted. Could cause lots of trouble.

The forum is public. Newspapers can report public information.

I don’t think most of us agree with you @aSofaNearYou. I certainly did not teach my daughter that getting dressed between ten and Eleven was normal most days, nor did I teach her that loose clothing was slobby on a woman and she needed to wear tight clothes, which by default is what you’re saying if you think loose fitting is slobby on a woman.

In fact she’s a twenty four year old lawyer who favours loose trouser suits, she does wear bb cream and mascara but nothing else, her hair is very curly and long, it’s not styled as such, she follows curly curl method, and I serisously don’t understand your incredibly dated view women need to wear restricted clothing be styled with make up etc,

The expectation on women in restrictive clothing, made up and shaved seems to be yours and from by gone years, it’s certainly not something I taught my daughter, but I did teach her getting showered and dressed before eleven was normal.

You do you, with your eleven o clock getting dressed and thinking women need to be presented a certain way, but I and most others don’t align with your,,,unusual, views, in fact I’d recommend you take your views and run back to thr fifties and leave them there,

Why not? Why would you want to do it in your more restrictive clothes for the day, getting them dirty? It makes a lot of sense to do it in pjs. People do things differently without being slobs.

My clothes aren’t restrictive. Why would you want to sleep in clothes with Windolene on them?

You could certainly make an argument for not being hygienic, being 'disprectful'. Everything else is bollocks. It's not 'disrespectful' to be a size 14, eschew makeup, or not crack out the straighteners.

No one's child ever suffered in life because they got dressed when they actually needed to be dressed and not at some arbitrary time that some stranger on the internet deemed appropriate!

Women in general ARE considered slobby if they wear things as loose fitting as most men wear every day

What?! Honestly just what?!? There are so many loose fitting women’s clothing items and styles which are perfectly acceptable. “Boyfriend jeans” are even fashionable. Dresses, kaftans, loose shirts etc. All fine. Conversely if my husband wanted to a wear a tracksuit all day I would be like wtf are you doing you slob? Beauty standards are one thing - but anything beyond basic grooming for men and women is personal choice. No one is forcing women to slather on make up and pretending that a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon is sexist is silly. I would feel the same about my husband doing this. Or growing a scruffy beard. Or gaining 2 stone. As would most women.

Tatiana, going to bed in clothes you've spent all day in and worn to do housework is slobby. But most people would would have a shower and put clean clothes on, not go to bed wearing the same pjs that have windolene on!

I think it’s important to make an effort for your own well being. Your partner could have been a little more sensitive but, I think this is another example of people only being allowed to say what others want to hear. He was just being honest

@Bluntness100

I don’t think most of us agree with you *@aSofaNearYou*. I certainly did not teach my daughter that getting dressed between ten and Eleven was normal most days, nor did I teach her that loose clothing was slobby on a woman and she needed to wear tight clothes, which by default is what you’re saying if you think loose fitting is slobby on a woman.

In fact she’s a twenty four year old lawyer who favours loose trouser suits, she does wear bb cream and mascara but nothing else, her hair is very curly and long, it’s not styled as such, she follows curly curl method, and I serisously don’t understand your incredibly dated view women need to wear restricted clothing be styled with make up etc,

The expectation on women in restrictive clothing, made up and shaved seems to be yours and from by gone years, it’s certainly not something I taught my daughter, but I did teach her getting showered and dressed before eleven was normal.

You do you, with your eleven o clock getting dressed and thinking women need to be presented a certain way, but I and most others don’t align with your,,,unusual, views, in fact I’d recommend you take your views and run back to thr fifties and leave them there,

Eh? None of that is my view, I'm describing the common view of others, because I disagree with it. I agree the views are outdated but that doesn't mean nobody still holds them, many on this thread have said such things, and it's incredibly common for men to think them.

Why would you assume those were my views when I've quite clearly disagreed with them?

I get dressed in late morning sometimes when I don't have somewhere to be early in the morning. I teach my DD that we need to be dressed for when we're going out, and if we're not, then any time before lunch is fine. I don't think it's that unusual for children to not get dressed the second they get up when staying in, and yet I'm the one with standards from the 50s?

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Women in general ARE considered slobby if they wear things as loose fitting as most men wear every day

What?! Honestly just what?!? There are so many loose fitting women’s clothing items and styles which are perfectly acceptable. “Boyfriend jeans” are even fashionable. Dresses, kaftans, loose shirts etc. All fine. Conversely if my husband wanted to a wear a tracksuit all day I would be like wtf are you doing you slob? Beauty standards are one thing - but anything beyond basic grooming for men and women is personal choice. No one is forcing women to slather on make up and pretending that a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon is sexist is silly. I would feel the same about my husband doing this. Or growing a scruffy beard. Or gaining 2 stone. As would most women.

You've taken my comment out of context. I didn't say a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon was sexist, my comment about sexism was specifically in response to a poster saying it was ridiculous to say there are higher expectations of women in terms of how they present themselves than men. I do think it is self absorbed to be angry about your spouse not getting dressed until noon because you don't think they look attractive enough that way, though.

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism.

And tbh I think a lot of what you've said just really shows that you are similarly minded to OPs husband, whereas I think that kind of outlook is judgemental and selfish. I wouldn't think harshly of my DH wearing a (clean) tracksuit all day, in fact he often does. And if he had given birth to my child and experienced the physical changes that brings on, and then been busy as that child's primary carer since, then I wouldn't be judging them for putting on a couple of stone. I would consider that to be quite a harsh response lacking in empathy or respect.

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism

Mumsnet these days seems to be of the opinion that women are akin to children and have 0 personal choice, 0 voice, and just blindly follow men around. If women don’t enjoy the societal pressures around grooming, it is their/our responsibility to push back against it. And I don’t mind if you think I’m lacking in empathy; I think it’s important to have personal standards when it comes to dress etc.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism

Mumsnet these days seems to be of the opinion that women are akin to children and have 0 personal choice, 0 voice, and just blindly follow men around. If women don’t enjoy the societal pressures around grooming, it is their/our responsibility to push back against it. And I don’t mind if you think I’m lacking in empathy; I think it’s important to have personal standards when it comes to dress etc.

This has little to do with mumsnet and a lot more to do with general feminist theory. It isn't about women having no agency to choose, it is about the pressures themselves and how damaging they are. Ironically, ceasing to bother with make up or remotely tight fitting clothing, and stopped shaving, they would be pushing back against it, but "standards when it comes to dress" are clearly more important so that fact is lost.

"standards when it comes to dress" are clearly more important so that fact is lost.

My standards apply to my DH too.

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

@EightWheelGirl

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

The men don't have to deal with the physical impact of pregnancy though...

@EightWheelGirl

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

Interesting thought process, EightWheel...Girl.

I teach my DD that we need to be dressed for when we're going out, and if we're not, then any time before lunch is fine. I don't think it's that unusual for children to not get dressed the second they get up when staying in

How odd, there is a big difference between getting dressed the second gosh get up and slobbing in your pyjamas till lunch time

You teach your child there is no in between and they can slob in their pyjamas till lunch time, it’s how you live, I teach my child there is no need to get dressed the second they get up but should shower and dress before fheir day begins. We are simply different

But I think you’ll find most folks don’t teach fheir kids to slob around in their pyjamas till lunch time.

*How odd, there is a big difference between getting dressed the second gosh get up and slobbing in your pyjamas till lunch time

You teach your child there is no in between and they can slob in their pyjamas till lunch time, it’s how you live, I teach my child there is no need to get dressed the second they get up but should shower and dress before fheir day begins. We are simply different

But I think you’ll find most folks don’t teach fheir kids to slob around in their pyjamas till lunch time.*

Not really, by the time we've ambled downstairs, had breakfast and (me), a coffee, chatted or played for a bit, it can be between 10 and 11, which is when I said we generally shower and dress. Not slobbing around, just having a leisurely morning on a day at home.

I don't really need you to tell me what you think I'll find, I accept that we're different, but I've seen just as many people who think as I do on this thread as people that you do. It's evidently quite common for many parents to have a relaxed approach to dressing in the morning.