Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

Someone is clearly not wanting their roast dinner to go cold.

@DifferentHair I think your post says a lot about you rather than the OP.

Someone not getting dressed until noon might be doing so for many reasons. They might be depressed, burnt out, not coping, exhausted.

Assuming that it must be because she is lazy says a lot about you (and about her DH if he is thinking that way too tbh)

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

What did your DH say about that? Is he happy for you to be out of the house two evenings a week whilst he is taking over the whole evening?

@LostForIdeas I can almost guarantee she'll be able to do her two gym classes a week and he'll be phoning her if she's 5 minutes late because he's fed up of looking after the baby, or the baby won't have a bath, or the OP will have to sort her own tea when she gets home (assuming she normally does it for them both of course)

There's no way a selfish man like that will suddenly do two full evenings a week.

@Bluntness100

Says who? That's purely subjective, I consider 2 years ago to be recently, and also the most draining time in the DCs life to be expected to focus on your appearance

I think that’s about personal experience, I personally found the first weeks and months harder, and I certainly don’t think having a baby two years ago is recently. Of all the mothers I know, all have been able to get dressed of a morning, and nearly all worked.

I get your experience was different, and so is the ops, so I agree it’s subjective, I’m sorry you had it hard.

That's not what I was saying. I don't think I had it unusually hard. But the first couple of years or so were draining and having to focus on losing weight and my appearance during that time would have been an added pressure I did not need. I was "able" to get dressed, and still am, I just don't see it as imperative that this be early in the morning.

I don't think pressuring women to lose weight within the first few months (weeks? How long ago would be considered recent to the people who don't think 2 years is recent enough?) is a positive thing and I can't see an angle from which it's coming from a positive place, either. Just the idea that women should be "done up" and attractive, and fast. I haven't focused on losing weight since having DD not because I'm having such an unusually difficult time that I physically couldn't, I just have a lot on my plate and it is a stress factor I am not prioritising.

@girlmom21 that’s quite possible.

Here is me hoping……

@girlmom21

Says who? That's purely subjective, I consider 2 years ago to be recently, and also the most draining time in the DCs life to be expected to focus on your appearance.

My two year old is a bundle of energy but she also loves helping with everything. She'll stand and watch me straighten my hair, she'll jump in the shower with me, she'll ask if she can dry my hair with the hairdryer.

I'm the lowest maintenance person in the world but I can definitely say that my newborn makes it a lot more difficult to take care of my appearance than my 2 year old does.

2 years is not recent.

People are misinterpreting my sentence. I did not say 2 years is the hardest age, I said the first 2 years are the hardest part, meaning the time leading up to the 2 year mark, not after it.

I can't help but be amused by the people stating, as though it were indisputable fact, that 2 years is "not recent". There are plenty of contexts in which 2 years is recent. My opinion is that in terms of feeling and looking exactly like your old self after having a baby, it is. What are people trying to say with their insistence that 2 years ago cannot be considered recent?

I'm often not dressed before midday and it's not because I'm lazy - time can run away with you. I might put a load of washing on and then deal with the dry stuff, then decide to clean the bath before getting in it, which then morphs into cleaning the whole bathroom and mopping the floor! If I had a small child, I might be clearing up after they've flicked porridge on the floor fed themselves. Or I may have had broken sleep and just want to play with the baby while having a cuppa. It makes sense to do what you need to do before getting showered and dressed!
OP doesn't sound disheveled to me, she just sounds like someone who doesn't think that getting balayage is the most important thing in the world!

Re weight gain, women do lay down extra fat stores to accommodate for breastfeeding and it's hard to lose that weight. A supportive and loving husband, rather than a critical, unhelpful one, makes a big difference to self esteem.

Time doesn’t run away with you if you get dressed after breakfast. Why would you want to be cleaning in your pjs anyway?

So that you can stick them straight in the wash and get showered, so your clean clothes don't get dirty?

My point is that people do things differently- it doesn't make a person lazy or having let themselves go if they do things according to their own timetable and not someone else's.

@TatianaBis

Time doesn’t run away with you if you get dressed after breakfast. Why would you want to be cleaning in your pjs anyway?

Why not? Why would you want to do it in your more restrictive clothes for the day, getting them dirty? It makes a lot of sense to do it in pjs. People do things differently without being slobs.

@Aderyn21

My point is that people do things differently- it doesn't make a person lazy or having let themselves go if they do things according to their own timetable and not someone else's.

Completely agree. In all the talk about how important it is to get dressed first thing in the morning, there's no real explanation as to why. It's just how they like to do things, so it must be correct and everything else wrong.

I realised I made a lot of effort to be dressed up for my workmates. I made a concerted effort to have some nice casual at home clothes for my husband. I lost the 20 kg I put on when pregnant. I don't slob round in trackpants or sweatsuits. I wear make-up almost always. I have my hair regularly tinted and tended to. I do all other grooming like plucking my eyebrows, dyeing my eyebrows, applying a light coat of fake tan, deep conditioning my hair, cutting my toenails locked in the en suite bathroom for an hour or so every week. I have worked fulltime with two children. To be fair, my husband was always good with taking the children to give me time to exercise and so on. We've been together 30 years.

@Rangoon

I realised I made a lot of effort to be dressed up for my workmates. I made a concerted effort to have some nice casual at home clothes for my husband. I lost the 20 kg I put on when pregnant. I don't slob round in trackpants or sweatsuits. I wear make-up almost always. I have my hair regularly tinted and tended to. I do all other grooming like plucking my eyebrows, dyeing my eyebrows, applying a light coat of fake tan, deep conditioning my hair, cutting my toenails locked in the en suite bathroom for an hour or so every week. I have worked fulltime with two children. To be fair, my husband was always good with taking the children to give me time to exercise and so on. We've been together 30 years.

Here, have this

Crikey you've got a bloody 2 year old! You've gone up 2 dress sizes only, and you are not dressing up as much because you're working and also have a two year old. He sounds like a big twat.

A lot of people seem to be missing the point about the pyjamas.

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing.

But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

Again, if I started doing this, or my DH did, it would be a marked change, and I don’t think either or us would like it (no ‘think’ about it for me, I wouldn’t like it). If we did like it, we’d have been doing it since we got together.

I know the people who love to virtually live in their PJs just can’t/won’t see the issue. Fine. But for people who like to be dressed, there is something off-putting about it, and unfortunately you can’t control the thoughts in people’s heads.

Also, I still can't believe that it's legal for the dm to screenshot posts with usernames and post online! I know this forum is public, but an abusive husband isn't necessarily going to be looking on here, but he might come across something on the dm that his wife has posted. Could cause lots of trouble.

@Rangoon

I realised I made a lot of effort to be dressed up for my workmates. I made a concerted effort to have some nice casual at home clothes for my husband. I lost the 20 kg I put on when pregnant. I don't slob round in trackpants or sweatsuits. I wear make-up almost always. I have my hair regularly tinted and tended to. I do all other grooming like plucking my eyebrows, dyeing my eyebrows, applying a light coat of fake tan, deep conditioning my hair, cutting my toenails locked in the en suite bathroom for an hour or so every week. I have worked fulltime with two children. To be fair, my husband was always good with taking the children to give me time to exercise and so on. We've been together 30 years.

And?

If it made you feel good about yourself, go for it.

I had to laugh at ‘my husband was always good with taking the children to give me time to exercise and so on. We've been together 30 years.’
As of this was the best a man could ever do. Give you time to go the gym so you can loose the 20kg you put in pregnancy and you can look presentable again.

I also think some folks are missing the point, the op is agreeing she’s let herself go, she doesn’t say why she doesn’t get dressed till noon other than she’s really busy, and when she posted this last night it was 7.30 so she could have been in her pyjamas as early as five, or whenever they had the argument, or even all day, who knows.

It’s not about the fact she doesn’t get dressed in isolation. Or that she has gained weight in isolation. Or thay she doesn’t style her hair in isolation, or that she doesn’t really do personal grooming in isolation. It’s all of them together.

However as said, he handled it cruely and bluntly, and quite frankly rudely. Which makes me think he is comparing her to someone else. He’s looking at her with disdain or disgust.

If me or my husband effectively stopped personal grooming and wore our Pyjamas a lot, even at dinner time on a Saturday regularly, one of us would likely say to the other, even when our daughter was young, we’d be gentler about it though as in “are you going to get dressed today”. But when it’s been going on for a couple of years, maybe he does find it difficult to understand and perceives the op as fully having the time to get dressed etc, especially when he’s there and it’s late afternoon or early evening on a Saturday.

What stands out is that he was clearly angry with you before he came out with it.

If he loved you, there would be a million kinder and more productive ways to be supportive. For example "you don't get time to get to the gym, would you like me to take dd a couple of evening a week so you can go?"

"I really loved it when you have the time and money to style your hair"

I would think he is setting you up op - this is a smoke screen to hide something, possibly an attraction to someone else.

Either way, PJs, make up and weight loss isn't the problem here.

He sounds like a twat

@Rangoon

I realised I made a lot of effort to be dressed up for my workmates. I made a concerted effort to have some nice casual at home clothes for my husband. I lost the 20 kg I put on when pregnant. I don't slob round in trackpants or sweatsuits. I wear make-up almost always. I have my hair regularly tinted and tended to. I do all other grooming like plucking my eyebrows, dyeing my eyebrows, applying a light coat of fake tan, deep conditioning my hair, cutting my toenails locked in the en suite bathroom for an hour or so every week. I have worked fulltime with two children. To be fair, my husband was always good with taking the children to give me time to exercise and so on. We've been together 30 years.

This post made me LOL.

My life is way too short to bother with tinting, wearing makeup around the house, dressing up snigger and the most hilarious of all, wearing fake tan. Are you for real?

We're also happily married but luckily for us we can relax in our own home.

I do think the real problem is his anger at the OP, like he was spoiling for a fight and looking to blame her. And that does make me think at worst he's looking elsewhere and at best he has no empathy or real caring. Husbands concerned about their wives behave, well concerned, not mean.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

A lot of people seem to be missing the point about the pyjamas.

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing.

But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

Again, if I started doing this, or my DH did, it would be a marked change, and I don’t think either or us would like it (no ‘think’ about it for me, I wouldn’t like it). If we did like it, we’d have been doing it since we got together.

I know the people who love to virtually live in their PJs just can’t/won’t see the issue. Fine. But for people who like to be dressed, there is something off-putting about it, and unfortunately you can’t control the thoughts in people’s heads.

People do change their habits, though, without it being a major issue. Even before my DD was born the amount of effort I put into my appearance was different to when I first met my DP because I was no longer 22 and really insecure. I was going out less. Things change.

The only thing my DP could start doing in terms of his grooming, that would really put me off, would be to stop doing it. As in, to not shower, and to not change out of his pyjamas at all. To be genuinely annoyed that someone didn't get out of their pyjamas quickly enough for your liking is just really daft and self absorbed. Lunchtime is not that late.

I'm not someone that lives in my pyjamas, I don't like wearing them during the day, so this is not a case of me "not seeing the issue". But being a person who likes things a certain way just means YOU have an issue, not that there is an actual issue, unless the other person is actually dirty or dangerously overweight, of which going up to a size 14 and sometimes getting dressed at lunch time is neither.