Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

@Monday55

Over 60% of UK adults are overweight, so majority of people replying on here fall into that category.

Despite what your DH has said if you're unhappy with your weight then you should do something about it. If I ever let myself go I'd want my DH to tell me because Everyone else in the streets will just stare and whisper behind your back.

You must have a rather high opinion of yourself if you think you’re going to be gaining that much attention in public after gaining a few pounds.

Whilst I think it's understandable to have some (mostly private) feelings on your partner's changing appearance, he's been both an idiot and a shallow twat here.

To say he "can't understand" what's happened, when you have a 2 year old, is very dense. It's obvious what happened, you had a child, which in itself can have a big physical effect on your body, and since then you've been dealing with a baby. How thick would you have to be to be shocked and bemused by your body changing in this situation?

It doesn't reflect well on him at all that not only was this so crucial to him he was angry and emotional about it, but it was timed as it was. Two years into parenthood? What a man child.

@dottiedodah

I doubt many of us (inc him)! look like we did when first married. TBH he sounds like a lot of idiot men .You have a 2 year old and work PT. Anyone who has spent some time with a tot that sort of age ,will relate that you dont get much spare time for grooming yourself!

That’s an odd comment given the amount of mothers on here posting differently.

I certainly wasn’t super mum but I managed to get dressed of a morning when she was little, I also didn’t spend my evenings in my pyjamas too, the op was already in her pyjamas at seven ish last night, and regularly doesn’t get dressed till lunch time. I’d find that concerning if it was my husband. And Vice versa.

Now there could be a back story about her not coping or her child having additional needs, being more time consuming than the average two year old, but most women, as witnessed by this thread, do manage to get dressed at least with one two year old child.

However his comment and bad mood was handled cruely, which makes me think he’s had his head turned, because otherwise I think most folks would do it gently, unless he’s a total insensitive wanker.

@aSofaNearYou

Whilst I think it's understandable to have some (mostly private) feelings on your partner's changing appearance, he's been both an idiot and a shallow twat here.

To say he "can't understand" what's happened, when you have a 2 year old, is very dense. It's obvious what happened, you had a child, which in itself can have a big physical effect on your body, and since then you've been dealing with a baby. How thick would you have to be to be shocked and bemused by your body changing in this situation?

It doesn't reflect well on him at all that not only was this so crucial to him he was angry and emotional about it, but it was timed as it was. Two years into parenthood? What a man child.

I don’t think it’s he can’t understand why she gained weight, although likely he struggles with her not loosing it two years later, but more about the fact she doesn’t style her hair, wear make up or even get dressed much of the time.

I think what he said was extremely hurtful and rude . Like others have said how’s he looking nowadays . I bet not the same since your marriage . I actually think it’s a form of bullying , he should love you for you

Some posters are expecting a lot, in my opinion.

We do not expect men to buy and apply make up to their faces every day just to look passable. Most men also do not need to style their hair with heat and pins etc. daily to say to the world they've made an effort. Men also can get away with relaxed jeans, loose t shirt and trainers in a way that if women dressed like that might make them look slobby.

OP states that she is showered and has brushed her hair, but does not often wear make up. She dresses "OK" by her own standards, but SOMETIMES stays in her pyjamas for a few hours in the morning. Last night she committed the crime of wearing a dressing gown in the evening. Maybe her day clothes were dirty or uncomfortable, should she have put on another outfit for a December Saturday night in the house?

@ManicPixie

Going to go against the grain here but I think it should be an unspoken rule that both partners, within reason, make an effort to maintain their appearance. Yeah, life gets in the way but it’s obvious when someone’s given up entirely.

I totally agree. It's just basic respect.

@MrsTophamHat

Some posters are expecting a lot, in my opinion.

We do not expect men to buy and apply make up to their faces every day just to look passable. Most men also do not need to style their hair with heat and pins etc. daily to say to the world they've made an effort. Men also can get away with relaxed jeans, loose t shirt and trainers in a way that if women dressed like that might make them look slobby.

OP states that she is showered and has brushed her hair, but does not often wear make up. She dresses "OK" by her own standards, but SOMETIMES stays in her pyjamas for a few hours in the morning. Last night she committed the crime of wearing a dressing gown in the evening. Maybe her day clothes were dirty or uncomfortable, should she have put on another outfit for a December Saturday night in the house?

Actually she said she stays in her pyjamas mostly till noon four days a week, and last night sat night early evening she was also in her pyjamas.

It’s fine to answer but to pretend she said something different to make a gender argument is silly. And no one thinks a woman in jeans and a t shirt is slobby or use pins in her hair, who even does that now? That went out with the fifties.

It’s not just one thing, Ie no make up, or not styling her hair, it’s everything. Weight gain, no make up, often in pyjamas, hair unstyled. It’s everything.

Actually the whole of this sounds like a selfish self centred male not contributing to the household management as "he works longer hours" and looking after a kid isn't that difficult yada yada. So if you want to be better groomed then you need time so is Dads day Saturday whilst you get things done, and the cost comes out of joint income as well as I suspect that currently he wouldn't understand why that is necessary despite the fact I suspect your hours reduced to look after and be Mum to your JOINT child. Usual narrow focus higher earner viewpoint of a relationship and its finances.

I think it is healthy and good for mental health to shower or bathe in the morning and get dressed.
I don’t like being unbathed and in night clothes for most of the day and wouldn’t want to live like this.
Its personal choice but I don’t blame him for objecting whether it’s your day off or not.
Totally up to you whether you wear make up and style your hair though. Could be low self esteem, mild depression and sheer exhaustion as well.

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

Here's what she said - she said "some" days. That might be most, it might be a couple of times per month. You have chosen to interpret that as most days.

Everyone I know who styles their hair wear kirby grips to keep it in place. I wear them whenever I wear my hair up. If I just brush my hair and put it in a bun out of my face, especially with no make up it looks like absolute shit.

Women who look good in a loose tshirt and jeans, are usually also wearing make up and have styled their hair in order to look put together. It is not as easy for women to just throw something like that on and look 'groomed' in the same way that men can, just by going to the barbers every few weeks and shaving.

@MrsTophamHat

Some posters are expecting a lot, in my opinion.

We do not expect men to buy and apply make up to their faces every day just to look passable. Most men also do not need to style their hair with heat and pins etc. daily to say to the world they've made an effort. Men also can get away with relaxed jeans, loose t shirt and trainers in a way that if women dressed like that might make them look slobby.

OP states that she is showered and has brushed her hair, but does not often wear make up. She dresses "OK" by her own standards, but SOMETIMES stays in her pyjamas for a few hours in the morning. Last night she committed the crime of wearing a dressing gown in the evening. Maybe her day clothes were dirty or uncomfortable, should she have put on another outfit for a December Saturday night in the house?

Agree 💯

This thread is on the Daily Mail:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10276785/Mother-toddler-reveals-husband-grumpy-gained-weight.html

It’s not just one thing, Ie no make up, or not styling her hair, it’s everything. Weight gain, no make up, often in pyjamas, hair unstyled. It’s everything.

The other poster is right that she doesn't say she is in her pyjamas every day. But on top of that, most men do not wear make up or style their hair. So the only part of this that is accurate and not gendered is weight gain. But OP has recently had a baby. You'd have to be an ignorant arse to judge her for putting on weight.

Being in PJs at noon four days a week also means not leaving the house four mornings a week. Presumably the 2 year old naps lunch/afternoon.

Is part of the husbands complaint that OP isn't leaving the house? You're part time to look after DD but are you not taking her anywhere or doing things with her? My children would have been climbing the walls at that age.

He's not winning any awards for tact but i think it's fair for a partner to say something if their spouse is staying home more than is healthy, not getting dressed, dishevelled, gaining weight.

I'd be annoyed if I financially supported my DH to go part time and instead of taking our toddler to parks and playgroup he just sat at home in his PJs. It's not nice for the toddler either IMO.

It's great you're going to do some gym classes, but you could also throw on some jeans and go for a walk with the pram every morning as well. You'd be healthier and probably feel a lot better.

I lost my baby weight in what I consider a respectable amount of time (not three months, sorry. Not with sleep deprivation, exhaustion, cluster feeding and PND. I can't make a chicken last for a month either), but the only reason I could was because my husband was a star. He made me feel as desired as ever (he insists that I always was), he took the baby for a fair amount of time, did what he could with night waking and was just loving and supportive. I felt fat and frumpy, but only to me. I never felt unwanted or unloved or unsupported. So I had energy, time and headspace to think about my eating, go to the gym, not hate myself (the biggest thing in weight loss, in my experience).

I once told my husband that even now I'm back to my usual size, my body will never be quite the same as it was, and he said he wasn't an idiot, he knew that, we all change with age anyway, and I better believe he still thought I was sex on legs.

If he hadn't been so amazing, I might now be a healthy weight, or I might still be married, but I wouldn't be both.

I think your husband is an arse OP. Where’s the love and support?

@DifferentHair

Being in PJs at noon four days a week also means not leaving the house four mornings a week. Presumably the 2 year old naps lunch/afternoon.

Is part of the husbands complaint that OP isn't leaving the house? You're part time to look after DD but are you not taking her anywhere or doing things with her? My children would have been climbing the walls at that age.

He's not winning any awards for tact but i think it's fair for a partner to say something if their spouse is staying home more than is healthy, not getting dressed, dishevelled, gaining weight.

I'd be annoyed if I financially supported my DH to go part time and instead of taking our toddler to parks and playgroup he just sat at home in his PJs. It's not nice for the toddler either IMO.

It's great you're going to do some gym classes, but you could also throw on some jeans and go for a walk with the pram every morning as well. You'd be healthier and probably feel a lot better.

There's a lot of assuming your way is the only right way in comments like this. I think there's a certain type of person that are just busy bodies and they believe so strongly that that's the right way to be that they will justify any level of judgment towards people that don't behave that way, because in their mind it's just helping the poor souls to behave as they should.

I hardly ever go out in the morning. If I do go out it's almost always after lunch, DD is not bouncing off the walls, this suits her just fine, and she does not nap in the afternoon. It isn't essential that outings happen in the morning.

On top of that, there's not a lot to do in the freezing cold, rainy winter during Covid, so no we're not at playgrounds and activities all the time. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like a nice lifestyle but not everyone has it and it's not the only way to do things. I would be annoyed with my DP if he were to be critical of me looking after our shared DD the way I do on the basis that "he's facilitating me to stay at home". It suggests he thinks he's doing an unfair share of the work, which he wouldn't be, even if I rarely went out.

But OP has recently had a baby. You'd have to be an ignorant arse to judge her for putting on weight.

No she hasn't. She had a baby 2 years ago that's not recently.

@ShaneTheThird

But OP has recently had a baby. You'd have to be an ignorant arse to judge her for putting on weight.

No she hasn't. She had a baby 2 years ago that's not recently.

Says who? That's purely subjective, I consider 2 years ago to be recently, and also the most draining time in the DCs life to be expected to focus on your appearance.

I don’t think I lost the baby weight until I got back to work. It was too hard before then with the night waking and needing to catch up on sleep and no energy. I did do some exercise (not at home as they’d jump on me), runs on the weekend/evening, but i think it’s about diet and base activity. Walking with a two year old is so painfully slow it’s more tiring than running and definitely not exercise!!

Says who? That's purely subjective, I consider 2 years ago to be recently, and also the most draining time in the DCs life to be expected to focus on your appearance

I think that’s about personal experience, I personally found the first weeks and months harder, and I certainly don’t think having a baby two years ago is recently. Of all the mothers I know, all have been able to get dressed of a morning, and nearly all worked.

I get your experience was different, and so is the ops, so I agree it’s subjective, I’m sorry you had it hard.

Says who? That's purely subjective, I consider 2 years ago to be recently, and also the most draining time in the DCs life to be expected to focus on your appearance.

My two year old is a bundle of energy but she also loves helping with everything. She'll stand and watch me straighten my hair, she'll jump in the shower with me, she'll ask if she can dry my hair with the hairdryer.

I'm the lowest maintenance person in the world but I can definitely say that my newborn makes it a lot more difficult to take care of my appearance than my 2 year old does.

2 years is not recent.

But she IS getting dressed for the nursery run 3 days per week/when it suits on non work days. It's not wrong to get dressed later in the day or occasionally not at all if you've no place to be in the morning or are planning a chill day/day of house blitzing.

Christ the daily fail have got even more lazy, it’s not even a proper article they’ve just churned out a couple of paragraphs and printed the screenshots.