To be so upset about Arthur is it normal

[Onthedowns]

I just cannot stop crying. I know it's another thread but listening to those recordings of that poor boy i have been physically sick and so upset. I have cuddled my children so hard. I came from an abusive background but nothing like him.

I feel completely irrational

Coupled with covid what has happened to society 😔

@PoleFairy

I think sometimes, for whatever reason, there are news stories that haunt you. For me it was the Delhi bus gang rape. I remember feeling sick and horrified for weeks, had to keep turning off the news. Kept thinking of that poor woman and all she endured and her fiance being almost beaten to death. Just horrendous. There was no reason for me to be particularly afflicted by that story, I just was. I think occasionally it happens. It strikes a nerve and haunts you. I did eventually get over it

Oh yes, that was horrendous. Jyoti Singh, aged 22. Many women all over the World where the case was reported were appalled that that and there were protests all over India, and rightfully so. It was sickening and resonated with many people. It was about this time of year, too, if I remember?

@PoleFairy
Re Jyoti's case, I just googled, and four of the perpetrators who were involved have been hanged, after various appeals.

This is from BBC News site "
''Minutes after the convicts were hanged on Friday morning, the victim's mother said, "I hugged my daughter's photograph and told her we finally got justice."'

I don't think it's irrational at all, he was such a handsome little boy and his life had barely begun, my grief is palpable. I personally like to think that God saw how how much he was suffering and decided to end it and have him with him, he's at peace now, no one can ever hurt him again

What seems to have been a factor in the murders of Victoria Climbie, Baby P, Daniel Pelka and now Arthur is a point at which that the caregivers stopped seeing the child as human, let alone their loved one. The child becomes a thing and receptacle for all their anger and hatred.

The child is isolated and othered, whilst sometimes other children (e.g. Daniel's siblings and Arthur's step-siblings) had a normal upbringing in the same house.

Does anyone know why this is? What causes adults to demonise a child / one particular child?

@Doriscox

I don't think it's irrational at all, he was such a handsome little boy and his life had barely begun, my grief is palpable. I personally like to think that God saw how how much he was suffering and decided to end it and have him with him, he's at peace now, no one can ever hurt him again

Wow. Child was tortured to death but hey-ho, it was God’s will.

phishy, I think that’s an important area for research. It’s a known phenomenon but I don’t think enough is known about why or what triggers it.

As for ‘what happened to society’ in the OP. Not a lot. Society has never been ‘safe’ for children.

I think there is a phenomenon of the golden child and the scapegoat in families.

thenarcissisticlife.com/why-do-narcissists-have-a-golden-child-and-scapegoat-child/

Obviously I can't diagnose anyone I only know from the papers as a narcissist but...

@missfliss and @JLee123 same here, it’s not something I want to do and I know it doesn’t help anyone but it keeps happening. I’ve tried to do some positive things to help other children, as others have suggested but it’s like I can’t accept that I can’t help this one even though I know that’s the case.

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

phishy, I think that’s an important area for research. It’s a known phenomenon but I don’t think enough is known about why or what triggers it.

Agreed Ballad. There's not much info online. Maybe this should be considered as part of the new inquiry.

@PleasantBirthday

I think there is a phenomenon of the golden child and the scapegoat in families.

thenarcissisticlife.com/why-do-narcissists-have-a-golden-child-and-scapegoat-child/

Obviously I can't diagnose anyone I only know from the papers as a narcissist but...

That's interesting, Pleasant, and yes, it could be an extreme version of this.

What was really upsetting to me was that the hairdresser suggested to Emma Tustin that she send Arthur to his nan, and Tustin refused, saying that means he would have won.

She didn't want to just not have Arthur around, she wanted him around to cause him pain.

Totally get it @PleasantBirthday - feel the same very much

Sorry I meant feel the same @Lilou21 - sorry for typo

I had to totally avoid the story after accidentally overhearing a tiny clip of audio.
Yanbu it’s horrific.

@phishy

What seems to have been a factor in the murders of Victoria Climbie, Baby P, Daniel Pelka and now Arthur is a point at which that the caregivers stopped seeing the child as human, let alone their loved one. The child becomes a thing and receptacle for all their anger and hatred.

The child is isolated and othered, whilst sometimes other children (e.g. Daniel's siblings and Arthur's step-siblings) had a normal upbringing in the same house.

Does anyone know why this is? What causes adults to demonise a child / one particular child?

This seems to have been happening for a long time, but probably (?) just went relatively unnoticed in less 'recorded' times. The infamous Sylvia Likens case from the 1960s is a relatively modern example, but still not well-understood. (I strongly advise not looking this up if easily triggered.)

@NanaRant

I had a sleepless night as this, again, triggered me. I cannot bear the statistic that 1 to 2 children die at the hands of their parents or carers in the UK every week. Time after time, we hear the same mantra.

Social Work Services are the very worst professionals to respond to this type of thing. Time and time again they ignore the signs, listen too intently to parents, never take the child aside - the list goes on. Case reviews say the same thing, and God knows I have written enough myself (child protection background).

I can't decide if it is plain incompetence, overwhelm, over-work, or just laziness.

I had the misfortune to make a child protection referral myself recently. it takes a lot of courage. I evidenced and substantiated everything. It could have been cut & pasted and used for the application for a court intervention. Yep, no further actioned. Not even investigated. 7 pages. This, on the back of at least 2 previous referrals of concerns.....school says no issues. Case closed, no further action.

Very similar circumstances. Entire family cut off and denied contact. Child is being deliberately harmed every day - by Dad and step Mum. It is harrowing. All she knows is punishments, withdrawal of food, not allowed drinks. Family can't get near and all Social Work say is apply to the courts for a contact order. Sickening.

@NanaRant you describe a terrible and potentially really serious child abuse case. Dont just rely on social services. They are under-resourced for the work they have.

You can report child abuse concerns to the NSPCC. www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/

I have also heard to take a child who looks in physically poor condition to hospital for medical attention which would evidence the physical abuse and get the child care and also trigger police and SS involvement. However that would be tricky in many cases.
I have thought that if I were the hairdresser or her partner and a child in that poor physical and mental condition such as Arthur was in the house I would make an excuse to pop to the shops or something and take him with me and drive him to a hospital or just call an ambulance.

I completely agree @Wooky073 about intervention with Arthur. I am the person who intervenes in the street when I see people smacking children (smacking, thankfully, is now illegal in Scotland). My background is child protection - I am not backwards at coming forwards and I am a real ambassador for the rights of the child. I would not hesitate to take a child to hospital, for example and have taken similar actions in the past.
This particular case I refer to is extremely complicated and caring family can't get near the child. The referral went to the police as well as social work services. I can't say much more as it is outing and I need to respect the confidentiality of those concerned, but I am not going to rest and will reignite my concerns.
I am beyond frustrated. As far as I am concerned, the protection of children where there is deliberate harm is not complicated. There is very clear and robust legislation in place alongside stringent regulations in accordance with the law. Individuals are tasked (and paid a salary) to be public servants on behalf of the government to exercise their duties in accordance with their job descriptions. I have seen some very poor practice in my career and some exemplary practice. Time and time again the Serious Case Reviews say the same thing and have being saying so for decades. One of the top failures is always professionals taking the word of adults and not making it a priority to get a child to a safe place and to speak with them. It is so disheartening to hear that this has taken place again in the case of Arthur. No one took the time to speak with him and the professionals seemed so easily able to take the parents word. This is something that can be changed overnight. That is not a resource issue.
I appreciate your advice and concern. Thank you.

@NanaRant

I completely agree *@Wooky073* about intervention with Arthur. I am the person who intervenes in the street when I see people smacking children (smacking, thankfully, is now illegal in Scotland). My background is child protection - I am not backwards at coming forwards and I am a real ambassador for the rights of the child. I would not hesitate to take a child to hospital, for example and have taken similar actions in the past. This particular case I refer to is extremely complicated and caring family can't get near the child. The referral went to the police as well as social work services. I can't say much more as it is outing and I need to respect the confidentiality of those concerned, but I am not going to rest and will reignite my concerns. I am beyond frustrated. As far as I am concerned, the protection of children where there is deliberate harm is not complicated. There is very clear and robust legislation in place alongside stringent regulations in accordance with the law. Individuals are tasked (and paid a salary) to be public servants on behalf of the government to exercise their duties in accordance with their job descriptions. I have seen some very poor practice in my career and some exemplary practice. Time and time again the Serious Case Reviews say the same thing and have being saying so for decades. One of the top failures is always professionals taking the word of adults and not making it a priority to get a child to a safe place and to speak with them. It is so disheartening to hear that this has taken place again in the case of Arthur. No one took the time to speak with him and the professionals seemed so easily able to take the parents word. This is something that can be changed overnight. That is not a resource issue. I appreciate your advice and concern. Thank you.

@NanaRant I hear and share your frustration. It is so good to hear that you are doing what you are doing in the background to help and suppot them.

I agree that a common feature in these horrific abuse cases is professionals not seeking out and listening to the childs voice and believing manipulative parents who lie and cover up the truth.
However I disagree that resources are not an issue - government have spent a decade stripping bare childrens services, and removing protective factors and support systems, there is a national shortage of social workers, which means case loads are high, they get burnout and experienced workers leave the profession meaning that inexperienced professionals are dealing with complex cases and things gets missed. Demand is increasing and funding decreasing. Such an important role need proper resourcing to be done effectively.
All the best with the case you mention. I hope it has a good outcome

@phishy

What seems to have been a factor in the murders of Victoria Climbie, Baby P, Daniel Pelka and now Arthur is a point at which that the caregivers stopped seeing the child as human, let alone their loved one. The child becomes a thing and receptacle for all their anger and hatred.

The child is isolated and othered, whilst sometimes other children (e.g. Daniel's siblings and Arthur's step-siblings) had a normal upbringing in the same house.

Does anyone know why this is? What causes adults to demonise a child / one particular child?

I was that child, and I have no idea why now, even decades later.

Perhaps being the easiest target? And then it just escalates, and never stops.

@TooManyGiraffes

Perhaps being the easiest target? And then it just escalates, and never stops.

I think they don't want them (e.g. hating the ex and talkie it out on the child). Abuse starts and there's no going back (fear of being exposed).

And yeah, they just don't see the child as human anymore, just a thing that they have to keep alive.

Arthur's case is haunting, just seeing the video. I never watched it but the quotes and screenshots are enough. I have to turn off.

I am with you on this. I have no links to Arthur and only discovered about him on Friday when his caregivers were sentenced.
I have cried and grieved for him every day since. I can't get that beautiful boy out of my head. I have 5 & 7 year old boys so he is very close in age to my 2. Needless to say I am giving them extra cuddles.

I am my own worst enemy, I knew I shouldn't have listened to the recordings and watched that video but I stupidly did anyway. Now it's haunting me.
I feel guilty every time I have a meal because poor Arthur got nothing.
It is truly heartbreaking.
He's at peace now at least

@TooManyGiraffes

I was that child, and I have no idea why now, even decades later.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Did you feel this way with siblings too? I have a sister who I think would join in on abuse to me. She has very extreme views of right and wrong and makes no room for human frailty/mistakes.

I am so glad I haven’t heard the audio of the video of little Arthur and I never want to.

@DaxyLover "I feel guilty every time I have a meal because poor Arthur got nothing."

so i am not the only one feeling this way...i also cannot look at salt, or the entrance door or a duvet without thinking of Arthur. I am a spiritual person, and the only thing i can do is imagine that he is in a better comfortable place with lots of love...he was so helpless, heartbroken, i cant bear the thought of this being the end and him not being in a better place... there must be a heaven.

@DaxyLover I’m feeling the same, he’s on my mind every moment of everyday. I feel immense guilt because I was treated the same way as a child, I know how much pain he would of been in and that no one loved him because I felt the same. I feel guilt that I couldn’t save him and why was I saved when he wasn’t. I haven’t seen any videos etc I can hardly cope with the headlines I saw and a still of a video. I’m so angry that people turned a blind eye and did nothing. I just hope he is now safe and having a brilliant time up there, shining bright like the star that he is.

@TooManyGiraffes I am so so sorry that happened to you

@DaxyLover I feel exactly the same. I’m so horrified that I feel guilty for everything I do because I have freedom and choices and he was denied everything all because of cruel factors beyond his control. Also keep thinking about it all as if I’m looking for a way to change the ending. It doesn’t feel rational, I’m not doing it deliberately but I don’t seem to be able to stop. It feels like a dark cloud is hanging over everything since hearing about this.