To be so upset about Arthur is it normal

[Onthedowns]

I just cannot stop crying. I know it's another thread but listening to those recordings of that poor boy i have been physically sick and so upset. I have cuddled my children so hard. I came from an abusive background but nothing like him.

I feel completely irrational

Coupled with covid what has happened to society 😔

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm so glad that there are others out there who feel the same way as me! Reading about what this poor child endured has left me feeling traumatised, haunted, angry, ashamed, tearful & very depressed. But what can we all learn from this horror? Surely it's obvious that safeguarding children & child protection is the responsibility of us ALL. We shouldn't ever turn away or tell ourselves it's not our business when we see a sign that something's not right.

Ahh I just can’t get his sweet little face out my head. I have a little boy who is 2 in Jan and I too cannot stop crying when I think about what he went through. To die thinking no one loved him just breaks my heart and yes it has made me so upset I’m crying every time I see his face or read the news 😭💔

With abused women, you also very often find that if you step in, they will turn against you and defend their abuser.

I also think women being abused is different to children. Children are completely at the mercy of their caregivers. They have little knowledge of the outside world beyond what their parents tell them. They have no idea what SS is, that there are adults who want to protect them. They have zero choice to leave, especially in Arthur's case in lockdown, or a very young child. Can't even run away.

With an adult woman in an abusive situation, intervening might not change things because the woman may be with the man out of compulsion (e.g. finances, family unit, risk of homelessness, social isolation). So even if she appreciates your kindness, she may drop charges, or go back because she feels there's no other choice.

I'm not sure if I even explained this coherently. It's scary to think anyone can just have a kid. They obviously get no say in being brought into any situation.

@Emmajgreen89

Ahh I just can’t get his sweet little face out my head. I have a little boy who is 2 in Jan and I too cannot stop crying when I think about what he went through. To die thinking no one loved him just breaks my heart and yes it has made me so upset I’m crying every time I see his face or read the news 😭💔

I think this is the worst part. He died thinking and feeling no one cared about him this is what upsets me the most, no child should ever think or feel that. As well as being in unimaginable agony most of the time.

I couldn't watch the video seeing his frail little body was enough to have me crying my eyes out.

I've seen reports but purposely avoided seeing the other videos. I feel that the videos were part of his abuse and by watching them, I'd some how be contributing. He deserved dignity in both life and death and I'll ensure that by not watching.

I’m also struggling, I come from an abused childhood and memories have come back upon hearing about poor Arthur. I just want to cry all the time, I’ve removed all news sites from my phone but I don’t know what to do tbh.

His poor grandmother, she tried. No one listened to her.

I've been welling up every time I think of the sweet little boy and his smiley face. It's just so heartbreaking to read about what he went through and the thought he left this world thinking no-one loved him. I've not watched the video of his final hours.

I have seen the video, though, the family have released of Arthur happily talking of which teams he was going to play football for when he was older. This is how the family would like him to be remembered.

Thank you for posting this @Onthedowns. Knowing that I am not alone in my feelings about Arthur is hugely reassuring. I have cried many times whilst thinking about what he went through, including waking in the night and sobbing for him.

Atrocities happen daily in the world, and I think over time we become immune to a lot of what we see and hear on the news, but what happened to Arthur has knocked me so far sideways that I've honestly been questioning my own sanity. Reading that a lot of people are also feeling the same way is, selfishly, somewhat of a relief.

As @TobKat said: Reading about what this poor child endured has left me feeling traumatised, haunted, angry, ashamed, tearful & very depressed. But what can we all learn from this horror? Surely it's obvious that safeguarding children & child protection is the responsibility of us ALL. We shouldn't ever turn away or tell ourselves it's not our business when we see a sign that something's not right.

@Swizzel

Thank you for posting this *@Onthedowns*. Knowing that I am not alone in my feelings about Arthur is hugely reassuring. I have cried many times whilst thinking about what he went through, including waking in the night and sobbing for him.

Atrocities happen daily in the world, and I think over time we become immune to a lot of what we see and hear on the news, but what happened to Arthur has knocked me so far sideways that I've honestly been questioning my own sanity. Reading that a lot of people are also feeling the same way is, selfishly, somewhat of a relief.

As @TobKat said: Reading about what this poor child endured has left me feeling traumatised, haunted, angry, ashamed, tearful & very depressed. But what can we all learn from this horror? Surely it's obvious that safeguarding children & child protection is the responsibility of us ALL. We shouldn't ever turn away or tell ourselves it's not our business when we see a sign that something's not right.

I think you are right, to me it appears basic human instinct to want to protect and love. Something his carers lacked.

@SusanHalf

I’m also struggling, I come from an abused childhood and memories have come back upon hearing about poor Arthur. I just want to cry all the time, I’ve removed all news sites from my phone but I don’t know what to do tbh.

It's very hard and in part opened a can of worms. It will pass please take care of yourself

I had a long chat with a friend and it helped a little

I cant bring myself to watch the video the online news has. Its a sad reflection of society and theres so many little arthurs out there

OP I read a couple of lines on a news feed and balled my eyes out, big reaction and have been upset about it since. Have a child of similar age and relate it to that. Everybody mostly is really upset about this and some of us react by crying. It's normal and just so fucking sad. Xxxxx

@Onthedowns thank you I’ll try, I’ve spoken to my husband but he doesn’t know the full extent of what I went through. He wants me to tell him but I’ve told him please don’t make me. I’ve spoken with my sister but she went through the same as me so is hard for us both. I’m going to speak to a mental health charity today because I just can’t pull myself out of how I’m feeling.

[quote SusanHalf]@Onthedowns thank you I’ll try, I’ve spoken to my husband but he doesn’t know the full extent of what I went through. He wants me to tell him but I’ve told him please don’t make me. I’ve spoken with my sister but she went through the same as me so is hard for us both. I’m going to speak to a mental health charity today because I just can’t pull myself out of how I’m feeling.[/quote]
That sounds like a good idea. It's very difficult my DH had a polar opposite upbringing and struggles with my background. Take care it's hit lots of people extremely hard which as stated above is normal too

I am a social worker who has witnessed the most horrific things in my seven years in the field and I can assure you, you are not alone in how you feel. What happened to Arthur was horrific and tragic. Since learning about this poor little boys life I have not slept well. Like many I have questions about what agencies did to try and prevent this. I will not be making any judgements in this regard until I have seen the serious case review and have seen the facts. These are dark days.

@Onthedowns feels like I’m right back there again. I haven’t watched any of the videos etc, I saw a still of a video with a headline. That’s all it’s taken for me to sink. I’ve had counselling but I’m so tired of constantly going round in circles. Thank you for listening.

@Bllueblazerblack

I've seen reports but purposely avoided seeing the other videos. I feel that the videos were part of his abuse and by watching them, I'd some how be contributing. He deserved dignity in both life and death and I'll ensure that by not watching.

I must admit I agree with this. It would feel voyeuristic to look at footage, and I have purposely avoided doing so-the written reports are traumatic enough to read.

I think to feel devastated, tearful and traumatised is totally normal but I also think some posters can be guilty of turning these awful child abuse/murder cases into something of a competitive online grief fest, which feels incredibly distasteful. I hope the sobbing for days brigade also manage to do something positive in Arthur’s memory, as well as posting about their emotions online. Donate to a charity, volunteer for an organisation supporting vulnerable children, do some research into safeguarding and the role that we can all play as members of society. And especially, be kind and supportive of people in your community who are adoptive or foster parents - chances are that these DC could have ended up like Arthur, but their behaviour as a result of neglect and abuse will almost certainly leave a lot to be desired. As a PP has commented, so many of us are horribly intolerant and judgemental of the behaviour of adopted or fostered children who are inevitably so scarred by their treatment prior to removal by social services. I wonder how many of the online grief festers are also the first to complain to schools about the ‘awful child’ disrupting their DC’s class.

I'm sorry to hear lots of people on here have been suffering since learning about this case. I too feel like I have sank to the depths of hell in my head quite a few times since seeing it on the news, and also questioning my own sanity, waking in the night to talk to him, placing a chocolate on my Christmas tree for him, trying so very very hard not to think about it but returning to it almost immediately. That clip should never have been released! Although awareness is key to change and so this public trauma could be channelled into something positive. When I find myself going down that rabbit-hole thinking trying to imagine how he must have felt, I now stop and imagine his cheeky beautiful little smile on that photo in his football shirt and remind myself of the work people are doing to get his face on the football flags and get one of the stands named after him. It also helps to realise how many hundreds of children are saved every year by the authorities. Work needs to be done to ensure that ALL children are saved. Children slipping through the net is completely unacceptable

This was a terribly upsetting case.This morning his GDF was on BBC Breakfast saying how he ,a family friend and some of the NDN had reported Parents to SS.They had not come out due to Covid Restrictions apparently! WTF is going on with them.I try not to read about it really .Sounds awful ,but only way I can cope with it .Seems no lessons learned after poor Baby P ,Victoria Climbie and others .I had a loving childhood ,with my parents and GDP taking care of me as well .Still cant believe that anyone could be so utterly cruel .They are due to be re sentenced today ,as original sentence too short .TBH though they could get 100 years each and nothing will bring back poor Arthur .I like you find this sort of thing heartbreaking .Take care of yourself ,you sound a wonderful mum xx

" I hope the sobbing for days brigade also manage to do something positive in Arthur’s memory"

I fail to understand why people are so hostile to people having emotions and assuming that they aren't actually already donating to charity, keeping their eyes open, embracing the difficult child in the classroom. These a tions are not mutually exclusive. I am from the "sobbing brigade" as you so kindly put it, and I do these things and try my best. May I still be allowed to cry over Arthur please? I come back to mn not because I'm in some "grief fest" (lovely poetic name calling people who are trying to deal with emotions), but to read about others who are feeling like this. So I'm not alone, and it is good for Arthur that so many have been moved and cared for what happened to him. His memory must live and serve some purpose. If it's a neighbour calling the police, someone hugging their child once more, someone questioning behaviour of a new partner, an abuser thinking twice...anything that his memory helps is beneficial to society.

Jlee123, the rabbit hole is real for me too...

@HumpreyDowny totally agree. I am very upset for Arthur, and I've donated to the NSPCC, and I have a child with SEN who often is excluded and judged by others. Guess what - I am still upset and am allowed to say so.

Also hate the term 'brigade' smacks of utter DM reader stupidity to me...

and @JLee123 - the Rabbit Hole is a great term. I keep being caught unwares and its a really difficult thing to get out of.

@JLee123 I agree with your post...it catches me and I get so upset have to try to not go over it...it’s got to one of worst cases ever...let’s just pray his killers never see the light of day again ...