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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely LIVID about this email?

880 replies

Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 20:12

‘Hi Livid,

I hope you’re well and your return to work went smoothly? Just to let you know, a few of the mums messaged me after Monday’s session to express discomfort at having a penis in the group environment. They expressed they felt uncomfortable breastfeeding with him in the room and we want the group to always be a safe and inclusive space for breastfeeding mummies. I am a small business so think it’s best that he doesn’t attend again. Sorry for the inconvenience, I’ll refund any sessions you have pre-paid.’

WTAFFFFFF.

Context: I returned to work 2 weeks ago, DH is now a full time stay at home dad to our 8 month old son and he’s loving it. He’s a brilliant father and this will be the set up until DS starts school.

I attended a baby music group with DS since he was 2 months old and he really enjoys it (as much as a little baby enjoys anything!) with other mums. No where in the literature of the group does it refer to mums, everything is ‘baby and parent’ so I assumed him attending the group instead of me would be fine. I told the group leader 3 weeks ago that DH would be bringing DS from now on and she was totally fine about it.

There are only 3 groups for babies in our small town and I attended all of them: a breastfeeding group, a ‘mums and babies’ coffee morning and then the baby music group. Obviously DH can’t attend breastfeeding or the coffee morning so this was the only one he could do Sad

WIBU to fire back an email asking firstly why she feels the need to refer to my husband by his genitals and secondly, where in the group descriptions anywhere Eddie’s it says it’s a mums only group??

AIBU here???

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 01/12/2021 21:07

That’s appalling. I did Music Bugs and there were Dads present most weeks without issue, with plenty of breastfeeding going on.
Only our breastfeeding help group was limited to feeding women only as people had help with latch etc. But men were welcome at swimming, signing, massage, music, sensory etc.

Sofiegiraffe · 01/12/2021 21:07

calling your dh a penis is ridiculous, and insulting. Perhaps you should write back complaining about 'the vaginas' who are excluding him!

Grin
Bluntness100 · 01/12/2021 21:07

If this is real it’s outrageous. I can’t imagine the outcry if a group of men were meeting and a man was sent an email saying that the men felt uncomfortable with a vagina in the room so could he tell his wife not to attend any more.

Helpstopthepain · 01/12/2021 21:07

Fucking hell! Your poor Dh! That’s shocking.

What a load of dicks they are!

JammyRedRooo · 01/12/2021 21:07

I've actually thought about this as Dh and I are doing shared parental leave. I'm off at the moment and have done some classes where lots of the women have BF myself included and I admit I'd feel uncomfortable if a man was there. Fortunately for me there hasn't been, but I tend to pack a bottle just in case. I know this is 100% my issue, and I'd never complain to a group organiser about it though. I hate the thought of my DH potentially making someone uncomfortable when he takes over with the groups, but banning men from these types of group is fucking bonkers. Like others have said, what about widowers, or gay couples? And presumably these 'breastfeeding mummies' go on days out etc where there are members of the public around? I agree that you need to kick up a stink about this.

overnightangel · 01/12/2021 21:07

I’d be making that email public along with the name of the person who’s written and signed it …. Absolutely horrific

Griefmonster · 01/12/2021 21:07

@WomblingKnobhead

What do you feel about the breastfeeding women who feel vulnerable whilst feeding? I think the use of the term penis is shocking and unnecessary
If it was a feeding support group I'd have more sympathy with the first question but it's irrelevant in the context given.

I was actually ready to say YABU until I read it's a music group. Very hard to justify that being single sex surely

Original poster
Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 21:08

I’ve just discovered there’s a baby swimming group not too far away - I think I’ll suggest DH takes DS to that. You’re right and he’s not going to want to go back to this group which is such a massive shame.

OP posts:
EightWheelGirl · 01/12/2021 21:08

@Sofiegiraffe

I would ignore her calling him a 'penis', and just overlook that in the understanding of the current temperate climate.

Couldn't disagree more. This is the worst part of the email!

Exactly!
EightWheelGirl · 01/12/2021 21:09

Doh, quoted wrong post.

SofaKingKnotBovvered · 01/12/2021 21:09

Your poor husband

grapewine · 01/12/2021 21:09

@blissfulllife

Imagine a men's group referring to a lone woman as a vagina! Fucking rude
It really is. I'd be absolutely furious.
AngelDelightUk · 01/12/2021 21:09

I’d almost be tempted to call her bluff and say you’ll talk to your son and try and get him to stop being an exhibitionist

It’s shocking though

EightWheelGirl · 01/12/2021 21:10

@perfectstorm

I would tend to agree that this is a backlash brought about by the appalling behaviour of the likes of Stonewall, but we don't protect women's right to single sex spaces where they're necessary by discriminating against fathers where they aren't. No wonder your poor partner is upset - he's every right to be. It's not a breastfeeding group. It's a music group.

The Equality Act says provision of services can only be single sex where that is proportionate and legitimate, and I really don't see how this is. I'd email back and point out that she is in breach of the Act, as she is discriminating on the grounds of sex without legitimate reason to justify it. He can't be excluded on the basis of a protected characteristic without justifiable cause - and sex is a protected characteristic.

This.
CrocodilesCry · 01/12/2021 21:10

I'd absolutely name and shame publicly. It's a fucking parent and baby group. As for calling him a penis - I'd be consulting a solicitor, honestly. Never heard anything like it.

Allycott · 01/12/2021 21:11

My dad looked after my daughter (she is now 29!) While I went back to work and the nursery and infant teachers could not have been mor welcoming when he dropped her off or attended the assemblies I couldn't. Family life is changing - and attitudes need to change as well.i bet if you asked the other group members at the music group they would say different

InaccurateDream · 01/12/2021 21:12

I used to have to bf at a music group with A couple of dads and we got around it by then focusing on their child and me being reasonably discreet about it. It was fiiiiine! Just takes a bit of getting used to. How can we get more men to share maternity leave or be sahds if they can’t go to these groups?

Bingbangbongbash · 01/12/2021 21:12

I’m extremely pro-breastfeeding but if you are uncomfortable doing it in front of a man, then go elsewhere. This is completely discriminatory and I would be kicking up a fuss about it. Dads should be made welcome at any of these groups - it’s a feminist issue. How will we ever reach parity if men are not allowed to engage in the full remit of childcare?

HappyMeal564 · 01/12/2021 21:12

Awful! Your poor DH! Why is it that only "a vagina" can go to a baby music class. Discrimination for sure! Hope he's not too upset and put off other groups by this

SirGawain · 01/12/2021 21:12

What would outrage me is talking about a penis rather than a man. Would they refer to a woman as a vagina?
Secondly how would they know he had penis? he could have had radical surgery due to illness or accident.
This is not political correctness it's offensive stupidity.

Fleur405 · 01/12/2021 21:12

I expect some of the mums have put her in a difficult position as she needs clients to have a viable business. But I find it really sad that dads are excluded from things like this and it certainly doesn’t help achieve gender equality when the few men who do decide to stay at home are treated so horribly by mums. I know a same sex couple and they stay at home dad was basically treated like a total pariah which is just totally unfair and unnecessary. As for referring to your husband as a penis, I just have no words for how rude and inappropriate that is!

Flogert · 01/12/2021 21:13

Appalling! I genuinely have no words.

TracyLords · 01/12/2021 21:14

That’s absolutely crazy! Not to mention discrimination. We shared parental leave when DS was a baby, so DH went to a lot of the baby groups. There was women breastfeeding but totally expected; and to be honest I never actually saw any breasts when mothers were feeding!

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2021 21:14

@SirGawain

What would outrage me is talking about a penis rather than a man. Would they refer to a woman as a vagina? Secondly how would they know he had penis? he could have had radical surgery due to illness or accident. This is not political correctness it's offensive stupidity.
Do you feel outraged at certain health messages being aimed at uterus-havers?
RazzleTitz · 01/12/2021 21:15

Dear Discriminatory Dickhead

I’d like to express my extreme disappointment in this highly inflammatory attack on my Penis. May I suggest that you re-evaluate your dick-heady stance on this matter. Should you discriminate my Penis from the group, you are effectively excluding, not only my penis, a wonderful SAHD but also my DC.

Please consider your response carefully in these inclusive times.

Kind regards

The Vagina to my Penis