Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely LIVID about this email?

880 replies

Lividlavidacoco · 01/12/2021 20:12

‘Hi Livid,

I hope you’re well and your return to work went smoothly? Just to let you know, a few of the mums messaged me after Monday’s session to express discomfort at having a penis in the group environment. They expressed they felt uncomfortable breastfeeding with him in the room and we want the group to always be a safe and inclusive space for breastfeeding mummies. I am a small business so think it’s best that he doesn’t attend again. Sorry for the inconvenience, I’ll refund any sessions you have pre-paid.’

WTAFFFFFF.

Context: I returned to work 2 weeks ago, DH is now a full time stay at home dad to our 8 month old son and he’s loving it. He’s a brilliant father and this will be the set up until DS starts school.

I attended a baby music group with DS since he was 2 months old and he really enjoys it (as much as a little baby enjoys anything!) with other mums. No where in the literature of the group does it refer to mums, everything is ‘baby and parent’ so I assumed him attending the group instead of me would be fine. I told the group leader 3 weeks ago that DH would be bringing DS from now on and she was totally fine about it.

There are only 3 groups for babies in our small town and I attended all of them: a breastfeeding group, a ‘mums and babies’ coffee morning and then the baby music group. Obviously DH can’t attend breastfeeding or the coffee morning so this was the only one he could do Sad

WIBU to fire back an email asking firstly why she feels the need to refer to my husband by his genitals and secondly, where in the group descriptions anywhere Eddie’s it says it’s a mums only group??

AIBU here???

OP posts:
RainLol · 01/12/2021 21:39

Wouldn’t bother me🤷🏽

Tilltheend99 · 01/12/2021 21:40

Please keep updating this thread as I really need to know what happens now

crystal1717 · 01/12/2021 21:41

Referring to men as penises is the new woke :)

Are we vulvas?

minniep · 01/12/2021 21:42

That is absolutely awful. Your poor husband. I go to a toddler music class with DD and I had just been saying that DH should bring her some day so he could enjoy it with her as she loves it so much. It would never ever have entered my head that it could be an issue. I'm also involved with our local toddler group and we do have an issue that some women won't attend as it's not a female only space so for cultural reasons they won't attend and this has been raised a few times but we've always refused the idea of a female only group.

MindyStClaire · 01/12/2021 21:43

@imonlyhooman

Dear group leader

I'm stunned a few of the mums expressed their concern about having a penis in the room as my son and his penis have attended previously. If you are referring to my husband and his penis, I do believe they won't have seen his genitals so I'm confused as to which penis you refer.

As most of us "mummies" became a mummy because of a penis I can't see the issue.

I do not intend to discuss this with my husband, if you wish to, please feel free to at the next group.

In the meantime I have copied your email to head office of the franchise as I find it unlawful and discriminatory.

Amazing.
Whatinthelord · 01/12/2021 21:43

@crystal1717

Referring to men as penises is the new woke :)

Are we vulvas?

My thought was that she used penis instead of having to say man and assume a gender. But instead she’s assumed he has a penis 😂
tiredofworking · 01/12/2021 21:43

Just reply he ' identifies' as female. That way they won't dare exclude him or they'd be transphobic. Hmm

Sofiegiraffe · 01/12/2021 21:45

@tiredofworking

Just reply he ' identifies' as female. That way they won't dare exclude him or they'd be transphobic. Hmm

Yes - say he doesn't identify as a penis haver, or a penis, or even a man for that matter. See what she replies.... Grin

WaitingForSanity · 01/12/2021 21:45

That email is absolutely ludicrous.
It's discriminating. But also, describing your husband as a penis?!? What The hell? That's just awful. If she's concerned about being a small business owner, that sort of crap won't do her any favours. How would she feel being referred to as a 'vagina'?!
I would be absolutely fuming at this. So disrespectful.

CrocodilesCry · 01/12/2021 21:45

I've just read this out to DP who was a SAHD when his son was small.

His response was almost unrepeatable, and would be equally discriminatory as the email you received, but was along the lines of "You should reply that your penis was uncomfortable with the presence of the *t running the session".

CrocodilesCry · 01/12/2021 21:46

That got lost in translation - *t should read &u%t!

Wondergirl100 · 01/12/2021 21:47

this is hard to believe tbh.

Redsquirrel5 · 01/12/2021 21:48

Wow!
My last child was born thirty years ago and we had a parent and child group. We had a dad join and he was very much encouraged to integrate into the group. His wife breast fed and some of us did. Area meant any one uncomfortable could move to another area for a while.
I can’t believe the discrimination in your group today. I would mention it to the leader of the group.
He shouldn’t stop going.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2021 21:48

Wow this is awful

A bf group fair enough

But a music or parent and baby /toddler group is insane 😡😢😱

Can’t wait for her reply

But if it is a franchisee then complain to the head

HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 01/12/2021 21:49

I hope all those outraged by the penis reference, are equally outraged by women being reduced to body parts or functions, which happens a lot these days. Somehow I doubt it. It's basically what JKR was pilloried for pointing out.

chaosrabbitland · 01/12/2021 21:49

that is really too much , its terrible to describe a man like this , the whole email is really condescending if thats the term im searching for , bloody breastfeeding mummies ! sounds so cliquey and stupid , why couldnt she just say mothers instead .

legallyfakeblonde · 01/12/2021 21:50

Oh my! 'A penis'. I wouldn't attend any more groups run by the ridiculous moron who sent that email.
Fair enough if your ohs penis was being used to play musical instruments. That would be a whole new topic.
But ffs!!! What an absolute muppet this person was to think this was acceptable?

MindyStClaire · 01/12/2021 21:51

@HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage

I hope all those outraged by the penis reference, are equally outraged by women being reduced to body parts or functions, which happens a lot these days. Somehow I doubt it. It's basically what JKR was pilloried for pointing out.
And to transwomen on here all the time.

Rarely transmen for some reason.

Flittingaboutagain · 01/12/2021 21:51

Hi OP

I'm taking my baby to a swimming class and it's for both sexes so he'd be welcome. I also attend a mum and baby group. It is advertised as just for mums so this sort of situation wouldn't arise.

I previously went to baby massage and there was mum who asked if her husband could bring the baby instead one week and the course leader said that was fine with her as it wasn't advertised as single sex but asked us to let her know in private if it was an issue as we'd had several weeks just women.

Sofiegiraffe · 01/12/2021 21:51

@HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage

I hope all those outraged by the penis reference, are equally outraged by women being reduced to body parts or functions, which happens a lot these days. Somehow I doubt it. It's basically what JKR was pilloried for pointing out.

Yes, I'd be equally outraged by an email that outlined how uncomfortable the other "daddies" were at having a "vagina" in what is supposed to be a mixed sex space for parents.

randomsabreuse · 01/12/2021 21:52

She's crazy. All the music groups have had a mix of parents - in fact the one my DS does now has more dads than mums! Music is for baby not parents so whoever can bring them is who goes!

ClaudiaJ1 · 01/12/2021 21:52

@HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage

I hope all those outraged by the penis reference, are equally outraged by women being reduced to body parts or functions, which happens a lot these days. Somehow I doubt it. It's basically what JKR was pilloried for pointing out.
@HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage EXACTLY!! I don't agree with the email or the decision to exclude the OP's DH, but this outrage over the penis reference is quite hard to take given women have been referred to in the same way for at least 4 years now. Hmm
somewhereoverthechipshop · 01/12/2021 21:52

Really...this really happened? Bizarre!

EsmeGythaMagrat · 01/12/2021 21:52

@Lividlavidacoco

I’ve just discovered there’s a baby swimming group not too far away - I think I’ll suggest DH takes DS to that. You’re right and he’s not going to want to go back to this group which is such a massive shame.
I completely understand why you’re taking that route but I would still email the group leader and point out how flagrantly discriminatory she’s been. And the description of your husband as ‘a penis’… well I’m shocked.
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 01/12/2021 21:52

Tell her your DH actually identifies as a chest feeding mother and that he feels violated by her misgendering transphobia.

Then watch how quickly she backpeddles.

Again I thought this was a breastfeeding support group to start with. It's outrageous and so sexist.

Swipe left for the next trending thread