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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's the scrooge here? MIL or me?

105 replies

Originalfurby · 01/12/2021 15:28

Last month I booked a santas grotto for my 8 month old (i know he won't understand but he's my first and probably last and I love Christmas). I mentioned this to MIL and she suggested she bring DHs 6 Yr old niece as she was looking for something similar to do. I ended up booking both tickets as she 'doesn't do online'. There were discussions about how we would get there (2 hour return journey) as MIL wanted to carshare with DH and I but I wasn't keen for a few reasons.

Baby is breastfed on demand and after some nasty comments about breastfeeding in the past from them I'd rather not have to do it in front of the in-laws. She knows this.

Baby screams whenever he sees MIL as she has hardly spent any time with him and he doesn't know her. She was asked to increase visits to get him used to her but she hasn't visited once, turns out she's been on a serious drinking binge. MIL is an alcoholic and isn't allowed to babysit due to this.

Now that DH has told MIL she needs to make her own way there she is refusing to come and it's too late to cancel the 2nd ticket. She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

There's a huge backstory here but I've had to put some serious boundaries in place with the in-laws due to their behaviour and I feel like this is a retaliation because she doesn't like not having things on her terms. I'm sick of arranging things with MIL only for her to cancel at the last minute and then cry to everyone that she never sees her grandchild. DH has been desperate for his mum to see the baby more and I hate seeing him disappointed every time she misses something. The money has really pissed me off too. Its only a few £s, but again there's a history with the in-laws and money so I don't know why I'm surprised by this. Then there's the niece who has been promised a trip to see santa who's stuck in the middle.

Bah, I wish I'd just dressed up DH as santa and stayed home now!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/12/2021 15:30

I wouldn't take the other child and I'd be glad that MIL wasn't going with me. I'm sorry you've lost the money but I'd just do as you'd wanted to all along and go with your baby.

simpledeer · 01/12/2021 15:31

Do you have any friends you could go with? I would just tell MIL I wasn't sure I was going now. Be vague.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 01/12/2021 15:32

Revert to original plan and forget about money. Not your oroblem if shes not able to bring neice

Wannakisstheteacher · 01/12/2021 15:33

I’d take your niece without MIL. A small child shouldn’t be made to miss out because of the behaviour of the adults around her.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2021 15:33

This is very easy to resolve. You, your husband, and baby go, just the three of you. Have your husband tell his batshit mother that you are no longer able to take the niece.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/12/2021 15:34

Why are you driving 2 hours to see Santa ? Surely there’s one closer ? That’s bonkers for a start
Stop making plans with her she is unreliable and defo don’t muddy waters with money being involved
. Personally I’d take the niece as she is the innocent in all this and lastly bloody well breast feed wherever and whenever are fit
Sorry your mil is a nightmare , lower your expectations and go lower contact if you must
Hope Santa is worth it

Justcallmebebes · 01/12/2021 15:37

Poor niece 😢. Can't you cancel your MIL but still take your niece? She'll be gutted surely?

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/12/2021 15:37

I'd definitely take the niece she's probably the only one who will really miss out by not going.

Justcallmebebes · 01/12/2021 15:38

And yes, surely there's a Santa's grotto nearer? 2 hours travel is mental

Hankunamatata · 01/12/2021 15:39

Its bit mad to take 2 cars for a longish journey so can see mil point but get why you dont want her in the car

PleasantBirthday · 01/12/2021 15:39

Do you know what? Just bring the niece this time, have a nice day out and don't bother mentioning any plans to your MIL in the future.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/12/2021 15:43

Go by yourselves as pp have said and write off the other ticket money, or see if you can get a refund.

Puzzled by the logistics though. Do you, MIL and the niece all live in the same place, but 2 hours away from the grotto? Or different places?

simpledeer · 01/12/2021 15:44

Did some of you miss this bit?

She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

Fuck that shit.

HerRoyalHappiness · 01/12/2021 15:44

I'd take the neice. It's not her fault her grandmother is a bit Batshit.

PleasantBirthday · 01/12/2021 15:46

Did some of you miss this bit?

No but how can you let a child down like that? Honestly, one that young? The whole situation is obviously a mess but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth.

LefttoherownDevizes · 01/12/2021 15:47

Take the niece, not the MIL. Niece will probably behave for you all anyway, and not fair on her.

On paper it does sound a bit odd however but you did say there's a backstory

Sausagis · 01/12/2021 15:47

It isn't the op letting the niece down...

Sausagis · 01/12/2021 15:48

I'd pop 2 tickets in the post and it's up to mil what she does with them

LefttoherownDevizes · 01/12/2021 15:50

@Sausagis

It isn't the op letting the niece down...
I'm not saying it is but OP has a chance to do a nice thing for her
Hilda40 · 01/12/2021 15:57

Why did you mention it to Mil in the first place?

diddl · 01/12/2021 15:57

2hr return journey GrinGrinGrin

If you can easily get to your niece to take her than why not do that?

diddl · 01/12/2021 15:59

@Hilda40

Why did you mention it to Mil in the first place?
Well there is that isn't there?

Perhaps Op's husband wanted it?

There comes a point that you have to stop trying to involve people who keep cancelling though.

billy1966 · 01/12/2021 16:06

@Hilda40

Why did you mention it to Mil in the first place?
This.

Why would you persist in this?

Do you like drama?

Do you like showing your husband how shit his mother is?

I honestly cannot understand why you would draw such obvious drama on yourself.

SO Avoidable.

thedefinitionofmadness · 01/12/2021 16:06

Take the niece, it will be more fun. And tbh you'll feel daft without a child of a suitable age there.

C152 · 01/12/2021 16:06

I'd kiss the money good bye, leave the niece with her own family and have a nice day out with your little one. It is really grating to be out the cost of a ticket and have unnecessary drama and bad feeling but, really, that's your best bet. I wouldn't be taking along another child that was likely to have tantrums and spoil the day, particularly when you hadn't even planned to originally. Just try to brush it off, go, have a good time and don't every book anything on behalf of your PIL again.