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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's the scrooge here? MIL or me?

105 replies

Originalfurby · 01/12/2021 15:28

Last month I booked a santas grotto for my 8 month old (i know he won't understand but he's my first and probably last and I love Christmas). I mentioned this to MIL and she suggested she bring DHs 6 Yr old niece as she was looking for something similar to do. I ended up booking both tickets as she 'doesn't do online'. There were discussions about how we would get there (2 hour return journey) as MIL wanted to carshare with DH and I but I wasn't keen for a few reasons.

Baby is breastfed on demand and after some nasty comments about breastfeeding in the past from them I'd rather not have to do it in front of the in-laws. She knows this.

Baby screams whenever he sees MIL as she has hardly spent any time with him and he doesn't know her. She was asked to increase visits to get him used to her but she hasn't visited once, turns out she's been on a serious drinking binge. MIL is an alcoholic and isn't allowed to babysit due to this.

Now that DH has told MIL she needs to make her own way there she is refusing to come and it's too late to cancel the 2nd ticket. She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

There's a huge backstory here but I've had to put some serious boundaries in place with the in-laws due to their behaviour and I feel like this is a retaliation because she doesn't like not having things on her terms. I'm sick of arranging things with MIL only for her to cancel at the last minute and then cry to everyone that she never sees her grandchild. DH has been desperate for his mum to see the baby more and I hate seeing him disappointed every time she misses something. The money has really pissed me off too. Its only a few £s, but again there's a history with the in-laws and money so I don't know why I'm surprised by this. Then there's the niece who has been promised a trip to see santa who's stuck in the middle.

Bah, I wish I'd just dressed up DH as santa and stayed home now!

OP posts:
tara66 · 01/12/2021 16:37

Just give or sell tickets to niece's parents so she can go, your child is too young anyway.

Sally872 · 01/12/2021 16:38

How bad is neice? Most 6 year olds would embe lovely at a Santa trip. I would try not to cancel on 6 year old but lessons learned for next year.

TrufflesAndToast · 01/12/2021 16:39

The whole thing is a bit of a mess really. Of course MiL assumed you’d travel together if it’s so far and you booked tickets as a group. If that was never going to be the case you should have been clear about it before booking tickets.

I’m not sure why your baby screams at the sight of your MiL just because he doesn’t know her. Does he do that with every unfamiliar adult or are you exaggerating because you don’t like your MiL? Which would be understandable not to like her but it does sound like you’re being a bit dramatic about her tbh.

Just back away and don’t organise anything like this with her in future as if you’re unwilling to travel with her it’s clearly never going to work.

And while I can understand being excited to take your baby to see Santa, being honest I think it’s a bit selfish to subject your baby to a two hour round car journey for something that is for you. Your baby will be oblivious about Santa (or upset and scream at him like he apparently does your unfamiliar MiL…?) but will be stuck in the car for a couple of hours. It doesn’t seem in his best interests really.

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2021 16:40

2 hour car trip to take an 8MO to see santa?

But honestly can see why MIL thought you'd be travelling together, its 2 hours! Did she know it was 2 hours away when she said she wanted to come?
And the reason you don't want her in car is because you breastfeed? Surely though if Baby wants feeding you'd have to pull over somewhere as can't breastfeed him in the carseat as you're going along? So you pull over and feed and they wait.
Make it clear beforehand this may happen and make it clear she isn't to comment?

Failing that, take your niece! Or take niece and one of niece's parents? Or your DH? He can watch niece while you take your completely oblivious 8MO in to see santa.

Whatinthelord · 01/12/2021 16:40

I wouldn’t take the niece.
The MIL has promised the niece to see Santa and it’s her responsibility to make that happen. If the niece is upset by not seeing Santa it will be MIL at fault. Presumably the niece has parents who might sort Santa too?

Essentially she is attempting to manipulate you and is probably using the niece as a tactic.

Really though I think you need to speak to your DH. I’d not be allowing anything like this again and only invite her to things on your own terms, not to special things she can spoil (that’s if you want contact at all)

Alpacalunchbox · 01/12/2021 16:41

Seems a bit mean to book tickets for MIL and they say she can’t travel with you. I don’t see what the breastfeeding has to do with anything, you’re not going to be doing that in the moving car are you?

FFSFFSFFS · 01/12/2021 16:41

Oh please don’t let your poor litttle niece suffer because of your barshit mil

Shedmistress · 01/12/2021 16:41

Where is the niece's parents in all these schnanegans?

Call one of them up and ask if they want to bring her or have the tickets themselves. If not then just forget about it.

Sorted.

Ilovecaviar · 01/12/2021 16:42

Sounds like you’ve bought it on yourself tbh, you shouldnt have booked tickets and then told her they cant travel with you for a 2 hrs journey, that’s ridiculous.
You also cannot expect her to drive if she is an alcholic.
You cant let down a 6 year old, you should’ve planned accordingly, where are her parents in all this?

MollysDolly · 01/12/2021 16:43

The 6yo is badly behaved and tantrums. Your MIL is an alcoholic who your child screams at because she doesn't know MIL? Does your 8mth old scream at every "stranger" they encounter?

But you thought to plan a day out with an alcoholic you don't like, that your child screams at, with another child you call screaming and tantrummy, that's a two hour journey, to take an oblivious 8mth old to see Santa? And on top of this, you don't want to car share at all because MIL comments on your bfeeding.

And it's not going well.

Really?!

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2021 16:43

If your baby screams at strangers, are you going to be one of those parents that sits a screaming distressed baby on santas knee just so you can get a photo?

My friend did that. the baby was sobbing his heart out, clearly getting very distressed but she had to have a picture with santa. FFS.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2021 16:44

Give DN's ticket to her parents. They can take it or leave it.

In future, make your plans and don't blab about them.

Your H needs to go to Al Anon and start dealing with the fallout of having an alcoholic mother. This is probably the most urgent element of all of this, frankly.

As long as he continues to believe in the fairy tale of his mother caring for anything other than alcohol he is going to live a life of bitter disappointment and heartache. Many adult children of alcoholics have this issue. He isn't alone. Please get him to work on accepting the reality that he doesn't have a mother.

Pagwatch · 01/12/2021 16:46

Is this a very specific santa because there are about 10 santa meeting experiences within about half an hour of here.
i mean is it the real one or something?
i had a difficult MIL and im struggling to understand why you would mention the visit let alone get roped into buying a ticket for the neice.

where are her parents in this? can one of them not bring her?

Practicebeingpatient · 01/12/2021 16:50

Baby screams whenever he sees MIL as she has hardly spent any time with him and he doesn't know her

This is what stood out for me. An 8 month old baby screams whenever sees this woman he doesn't know. But he has obviously seen her a few times for this pattern of screaming to have been established. Unless they screams every time he sees someone they don't know which must make shopping or visiting the baby clinic a nightmare.

You clearly don't like your MIL OP and by the sounds of it you have very good reasons for it. SO IMO you are at fault here for having booked for your unreliable MIL when you know you didn't want her there. You should have made an excuse straightaway.

It's not fair to let your niece down because you and MIL don't get on. She might well have a tantrum. Little kids do that but you will handle it and it will be good practice for the future with your own DC.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 01/12/2021 16:51

Find a friend with a little one and invite them.

Whitecushion · 01/12/2021 16:51

I wouldn't waste my money taking a baby who screams at others to see Father Christmas!

AbsentmindedWoman · 01/12/2021 16:55

Another one feeling sorry for the niece here.

TrulyPistoff · 01/12/2021 16:57

Why on earth are you taking a breastfed 8 month old baby 2 hrs in the car to see Santa? And why did you book the tickets not telling MIL that she would have to drive yourself? She might be batshit, but your behaviour is also very odd. Poor niece.

KosherDill · 01/12/2021 16:58

@Justcallmebebes

Poor niece 😢. Can't you cancel your MIL but still take your niece? She'll be gutted surely?
Surely niece's parents can take her to Santa.

OP shouldn't be guilted re niece.

Earwigworries · 01/12/2021 16:58

Either take niece or give niece and her parent the two spare tickets - they can make their own way there

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 01/12/2021 17:03

Just leave it
Don’t take the other child
That’s MIL and her parents decision to not take her to see Santa
Not your problem
Be grateful MIL isn’t going
Stop telling her about things you don’t want her at.

girafferafferaffe · 01/12/2021 17:07

Bet your niece would behave with you. Kids usually behave with other people!

irishfarmer · 01/12/2021 17:16

Bring the niece it really isn't her fault and she will be disapointed. Don't tell you MIL about these things in future.

Its a 2 hour round trip, so 1 hour there 1 hour back. Probably would be the guts of that from my house to one.

Thundercats77 · 01/12/2021 17:19

I don't think you are obliged to take your neice. If MIL and parents really care, they would make another arrangement to see a different santa.

MrsLeclerc · 01/12/2021 17:19

Definitely just go by yourselves. Sounds like MIL invited herself to something that was supposed to be a ‘first Christmas’ family day. Really, you should have nipped it in the bud but you know for next time!

Contact Niece’s parents and offer them the tickets explaining that MIL has changed her mind but you’re happy for them to have the tickets if they want to take her. Personally I wouldn’t fancy 2hrs in the car and a trip out with a breastfeeding baby and a DN who throws tantrums and will be hyped up about a Santa visit.

If DN was mine I’d be annoyed with MIL for pulling out. I don’t know why the responsibility for DN is on OP when MIL made the arrangements (bar clicking the button to book and then bothering to pay for them!)