Who's the scrooge here? MIL or me?

[Originalfurby]

Last month I booked a santas grotto for my 8 month old (i know he won't understand but he's my first and probably last and I love Christmas). I mentioned this to MIL and she suggested she bring DHs 6 Yr old niece as she was looking for something similar to do. I ended up booking both tickets as she 'doesn't do online'. There were discussions about how we would get there (2 hour return journey) as MIL wanted to carshare with DH and I but I wasn't keen for a few reasons.

Baby is breastfed on demand and after some nasty comments about breastfeeding in the past from them I'd rather not have to do it in front of the in-laws. She knows this.

Baby screams whenever he sees MIL as she has hardly spent any time with him and he doesn't know her. She was asked to increase visits to get him used to her but she hasn't visited once, turns out she's been on a serious drinking binge. MIL is an alcoholic and isn't allowed to babysit due to this.

Now that DH has told MIL she needs to make her own way there she is refusing to come and it's too late to cancel the 2nd ticket. She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

There's a huge backstory here but I've had to put some serious boundaries in place with the in-laws due to their behaviour and I feel like this is a retaliation because she doesn't like not having things on her terms. I'm sick of arranging things with MIL only for her to cancel at the last minute and then cry to everyone that she never sees her grandchild. DH has been desperate for his mum to see the baby more and I hate seeing him disappointed every time she misses something. The money has really pissed me off too. Its only a few £s, but again there's a history with the in-laws and money so I don't know why I'm surprised by this. Then there's the niece who has been promised a trip to see santa who's stuck in the middle.

Bah, I wish I'd just dressed up DH as santa and stayed home now!

And MIL sounds like a nightmare and I would never make plans that hinge on her behaving reasonably again.

She is ab alcoholic with a history of letting you down. Grey rock about anything like this in the future. Arrange to do things where it doesnt matter if she lets you down or not, walk in the woods, cup of coffee, trip to the park. Decide whether you want a relationship with your niece independent of other family if they are tricky

Ask one of your nieces parent's to bring her now that mil is refusing. Put it like that and say it's a shame for the little one to miss out because mil has changed her mind.

I think I'd be happy my niece wasn't being driven anywhere by an alcoholic, and would try and make sure she didn't miss out on her trip to see Santa. Your MIL can go fuck herself.

Why did you agree to go with her? Surely you knew she’d come to the logical conclusion of travelling together?

I think it's very unreasonable for you to have booked a ticket for your niece at the same time and place as your DC, and THEN to have said you wouldn't be sharing transport. Taking two cars is mad and I don't think it would be unreasonable of your MIL to have taken the fact that you booked it as an indication that you would be going together. You shouldn't have booked the ticket if you didn't want to go with her.

A 2 hour drive to take an 8mo to see Santa?

I'd take the niece, but any future arrangements will be with DN's parents not MIL.

You don’t really want “dh neice “ to go either do you.
Isn’t she your neice too?
It seems a shame to let her down.

So you know your MIL can't be relied upon, and is prone to cancellations and tantrums?
You know it's a longish journey?
You know the little girl can be 'spirited'?
You don't get on at all really?

Buuuuut.... You mention your plans and cause this drama and hassle?

The most obvious question would be why?

Just keep your plans/journeys to yourself. This could so easily be avoided.

@Bluntness100

Why did you agree to go with her? Surely you knew she’d come to the logical conclusion of travelling together?

Yeah have to agree with this tbf. Yes she sounds like a nightmare but surely if you booked tickets together it's natural for her to have assumed you'd be going together. You should really have pointed out that she has to make her own way there first

@Wannakisstheteacher

I’d take your niece without MIL. A small child shouldn’t be made to miss out because of the behaviour of the adults around her.

And a badly behaved child shouldn't be foisted on other because Grandma can't be arsed getting the train, bus or driving herself.

@Originalfurby. Just go with DH & DS & have a lovely day out. Maybe give the ticket to a random parent & child near the grotto.

Ignore inlaws whinging. Next time just say 'the tickets have all gone'💁🏻‍♀️

Take your niece with you, she must be looking forward to it. Why would she scream and throw tantrums when she's with you and your family ?

If MIL is having your trip be an excuse to bring niece to see Santa, I’m guessing there is some backstory there. It’s the sort of thing parents normally do. So there is probably a reason your niece isn’t the best behaved child in the world. If you can, I would go get your niece and spend a nice day with her. Be a positive influence in her life. If alcoholic MIL is the best she has, she clearly needs someone else too.

@thedefinitionofmadness

Take the niece, it will be more fun. And tbh you'll feel daft without a child of a suitable age there.

Nope. Lots of people take babies.

How the hell would it be 'more fun' to take a 6yo who behaves so badly? (Parents fault, not child's, but not the OP's problem to sort out)

But I do agree that it was a bit bonkers to book their tickets with yours then say they can't go with you...

It was a really weird move on your part to mention it to your MIL and the. To book her wickets before mentioning that you won’t let her travel with you. Your reasons for not wanting to travel with her may be very valid but you’ve handled this very badly and n a way likely to cause a lot of Unnecessary drama and upset.

@DriftingBlue

If MIL is having your trip be an excuse to bring niece to see Santa, I’m guessing there is some backstory there. It’s the sort of thing parents normally do. So there is probably a reason your niece isn’t the best behaved child in the world. If you can, I would go get your niece and spend a nice day with her. Be a positive influence in her life. If alcoholic MIL is the best she has, she clearly needs someone else too.

I was kind of wondering whether there was an issue there too, the niece's parents aren't mentioned at all.

Don't invite out people you don't like?
It's a bit off really OP, I'd be pissed off as well being told to make my own way to somewhere we were going together!

Ok if your niece might behave badly, tell MIL that you have cancelled the whole thing, the three of you go & keep quiet about it!

Is MIL capable of making her own way there? Can she drive? If not, I don't think she is deliberately doing this, she might just genuinely not be able to make that long journey by public transport.

If you get on with neices parents, can one of them take neice or hitch a ride with you?

In future do not tell MIL of any of your plans

To me it’s a bit crackers to drive 2 hours to take an 8mth old to see someone dressed up as Santa but it’s your Christmas, your rules. I probably would have said no to car sharing right from the start, it’s not an unreasonable assumption by MIL.

MIL promised the niece, not you, it’s not you ‘letting her down’. She sounds like a spirited little darling and I wouldn’t take her either.

I feel really sorry for the niece, she's the one who is missing out over petty adult arguments.

The poor neice. I have been that child surrounded by disfunctional adults and made to suffer. It's horrible. You sound so dismissive of her.

In the true spirit of Christmas you should take her with you. She is 6 years old for God's sake.

Or get your husband to go with your mother in law and the 6 year old. You miss out knowing you have been the better person.

I'm with @simpledeer. There's no way I'd take a child who has tantrums. Fortunately, your niece's parents can take her to see Santa so she won't miss out plus they probably want to take her, so everyone's happy.

Christmas is getting to be Stressmas for a lot of people now.

Cancel the whole thing and do Santa closer to home. Forget about the ticket money, not having to do the journey will balance it out.

The niece is the pawn here, poor child, but you cannot take the weight of the world on your shoulders either. Let nieces mum and dad know that granny cancelled, so you have also changed your plans.