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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's the scrooge here? MIL or me?

105 replies

Originalfurby · 01/12/2021 15:28

Last month I booked a santas grotto for my 8 month old (i know he won't understand but he's my first and probably last and I love Christmas). I mentioned this to MIL and she suggested she bring DHs 6 Yr old niece as she was looking for something similar to do. I ended up booking both tickets as she 'doesn't do online'. There were discussions about how we would get there (2 hour return journey) as MIL wanted to carshare with DH and I but I wasn't keen for a few reasons.

Baby is breastfed on demand and after some nasty comments about breastfeeding in the past from them I'd rather not have to do it in front of the in-laws. She knows this.

Baby screams whenever he sees MIL as she has hardly spent any time with him and he doesn't know her. She was asked to increase visits to get him used to her but she hasn't visited once, turns out she's been on a serious drinking binge. MIL is an alcoholic and isn't allowed to babysit due to this.

Now that DH has told MIL she needs to make her own way there she is refusing to come and it's too late to cancel the 2nd ticket. She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

There's a huge backstory here but I've had to put some serious boundaries in place with the in-laws due to their behaviour and I feel like this is a retaliation because she doesn't like not having things on her terms. I'm sick of arranging things with MIL only for her to cancel at the last minute and then cry to everyone that she never sees her grandchild. DH has been desperate for his mum to see the baby more and I hate seeing him disappointed every time she misses something. The money has really pissed me off too. Its only a few £s, but again there's a history with the in-laws and money so I don't know why I'm surprised by this. Then there's the niece who has been promised a trip to see santa who's stuck in the middle.

Bah, I wish I'd just dressed up DH as santa and stayed home now!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 01/12/2021 17:21

She is an alcoholic who you don’t get on with. Why would you mention doing nice days out to her? Why would you then agree that she would come..and then book her a ticket…and then book someone else a ticket?!

This was all rather avoidable.

PleasantBirthday · 01/12/2021 17:21

I don’t know why the responsibility for DN is on OP when MIL made the arrangements (bar clicking the button to book and then bothering to pay for them!)

It isn't, but that it's not strictly your actual responsibility doesn't mean that you can't go a little further to be nice to a child.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/12/2021 17:22

Looking ahead I think you should stop trying to "fix" DH's relationship with MIL. You say you hate to see the disappointment on his face.. but she is going to flake out on all of you time and time again. Only she can change that and improve her relationship with DH.

Let DH make the contact if he wants to.

Why are you taking on this burden and making life difficult for yourself. If you don't want to be let down at the last minute or have to give into her demands - don't tell her your plans and ask your DH not to tell her your specific plans either.

How are your BIL/SIL allowing an alcoholic to drive their 6 year old around?

I;d send her parents the tickets for Santa as a Christmas present and take your littleone out with you and DH for a nice Christmassy day that the three of you will enjoy. Unless you think nieces parents won't bother to use the tickets, in which case I'd take the niece, it would be a kindness and she will probably behave if its just you (plus sweetie bribes)

MzHz · 01/12/2021 17:23

@simpledeer

Did some of you miss this bit?

She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc.

Fuck that shit.

fuck that shit is exactly right!

Let her parents take her if they do wish, send them the ticket and leave them to it

MzHz · 01/12/2021 17:26

I agree with the others, stop bothering with MIL, she’s never going to change so leave it to her son to deal with.

Icebreaker99 · 01/12/2021 17:27

Bonkers that you have booked a four hour round trip with an 8 month old to see Santa, and mean of you to book for MIL and niece and then tell them they can't have a lift - yes there is obviously a massive backstory but it's not unreasonable for them to assume you would all travel together if you are going around this extravaganza together!

PinkSyCo · 01/12/2021 17:30

I feel sorry for your niece because she would get much much more fun out of this than your baby will. I get why you wouldn’t want to take her if she’s hard work though. Do you have any little children in your family who you could take, if only to help you not look so silly when you’re standing there with a babe in arms?

EasyLikeSundays · 01/12/2021 17:32

@nitsandwormsdodger

Why are you driving 2 hours to see Santa ? Surely there’s one closer ? That’s bonkers for a start Stop making plans with her she is unreliable and defo don’t muddy waters with money being involved . Personally I’d take the niece as she is the innocent in all this and lastly bloody well breast feed wherever and whenever are fit Sorry your mil is a nightmare , lower your expectations and go lower contact if you must Hope Santa is worth it
This is what I thought why 2 hours to see a santa!
WhenSepEnds · 01/12/2021 17:33

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Find a friend with a little one and invite them.
Yeah I agree. I wouldn't be taking a kid that can't behave, she's just going to ruin the experience. Let her own parents take her if she is prone to tantrums etc
Kitkat151 · 01/12/2021 17:38

@HerRoyalHappiness

I'd take the neice. It's not her fault her grandmother is a bit Batshit.
It would be Very mean not to take your niece
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/12/2021 17:43

"She's told us to take DHs niece alone as she's looking forward to it now despite knowing how much work she can be and will almost certainly throw tantrums/scream etc."
Nope, nopity nope. I would not be volunteering to be in a 2 hour return car journey (and a queue once you got there, etc.) with such a child, relative or not.

I would send the niece's ticket to her parents, to do what they will with it. And I'd be making it clear to them that the ticket is theirs because MIL was taking her but then bailed out, probably commenting to them that 'I'm sure your daughter will enjoy going there with you more anyway'. They'd be left in no doubt that I was never - NEVER - the person taking their daughter, it was always - ALWAYS - MIL.

But you need to box a bit clever with your in-laws. Cleverer than you have.

You know MIL is a manipulative alcoholic who lets you down constantly. Life will be easier if you just never give her the chance to play you. So - stop 'mentioning' anything to her. Make your life a closed book to her. Become vague and non-committal when talking with her. You mentioning the grotto trip gave her an opportunity to dick you about, which she did gleefully. Stop giving her opportunities. She asks about your plans, you respond that you have none. She finds out later you did something, you shrug and tell her it was a spontaneous decision of yours.

Also, "DH has been desperate for his mum to see the baby more and I hate seeing him disappointed every time she misses something."
Time to have a serious talk. He needs to accept that his alcoholic mother does not prioritise his son at all and he needs to stop expecting anything more from her. And, he needs to stop expecting you to turn her into the grandmother he wants her to be. Never going to happen, so he needs to take that weight of expectation off your shoulders. Life will be easier for you both if you minimise contact with a woman who, let's face it, has no real interest in the three of you because her primary relationship is with alcohol.

starfishmummy · 01/12/2021 17:43

MIL is an alcoholic and yet you think its OK for her to drive the other child there??

peboh · 01/12/2021 17:43

2 hours to take an 8 month old to see Santa? That's crazy. Surely there are other grottos in closer proximity?
I wouldn't leave the niece out. She's just a child, and whilst yes mil was the one who invited her, she now has a ticket and has had time to get excited. Don't take that away from her. She's still your DH niece, surely he'd want to do something nice for her?

Pawprintpaper · 01/12/2021 17:44

@TrulyPistoff

Why on earth are you taking a breastfed 8 month old baby 2 hrs in the car to see Santa? And why did you book the tickets not telling MIL that she would have to drive yourself? She might be batshit, but your behaviour is also very odd. Poor niece.
Succinctly put, agree with this
percythewitch · 01/12/2021 17:46

For goodness sake. It's not "mean" to not take the 6 year old.

They weren't included in the original plan, MIL suggested bringing her.

MIL has now decided not to go - she can't insist that OP takes the 6 year old as well. If she's going to be that disappointed then MIL can still take her.

OP stop mentioning your plans to someone that you clearly have no time for.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2021 17:46

You need to get your DH to talk to his mother and get the tickets reimbursed or tell her that you will be offering them to a friend of yours (even if you're not) and she can either put on her big girl pants and come along or not. The choice is hers but you're not accepting any of the fault (if there is any) that you're the reason that your niece isn't coming along if Granny can't hold it together and keep her mouth shut!

I really think your DH needs help in accepting that his mother isn't all that and he needs to stop trying to make her into that type of parent.

Ozanj · 01/12/2021 17:49

It’s not your problem if DN doesn’t get to go. It’s Mils. Just say nothing and get on with your day

TheNarwhalBalloon · 01/12/2021 17:50

I think you're being a little bit U... I don't blame you for not wanting to drive MIL or take your niece on her own etc, but I think you invited this trouble when you arranged to go with her. If you're not happy to car share, end up out of pocket, or have last minute chaotic change of plans, don't go places together, book tickets for her or mention your activities to her.

PurpleHydrangea1 · 01/12/2021 17:55

Sorry but no way would I let a 6 year old down about seeing Santa. She's at the peak Christmas/Santa age. It's not her fault there's a bunch of dysfunctional adults around. Not her fault and she's probably very excited.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2021 17:56

Take the niece this time but in future dont enter into any shared arrangements whatsoever,

FinallyHere · 01/12/2021 18:04

Maybe not so surprising that OP has not been back.

Taking an eight month old on a two hour drive to see Father Christmas, alcoholic MiL Phew!

mam0918 · 01/12/2021 18:05

YABU because I don't understand why you booked to go away with people you can't stand and won't go with in the first place.

I can't comment on the backstory and don't really care too, there might be plenty of legit reasons you don't want to take MIL and niece but booking it for both of you when you have such a backstory and cant stand them was just stupid.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 01/12/2021 18:07

I’m sorry what you mentioned it to mil so she suggested bringing your niece so you booked tickets but then you said I don’t want you to come with us . If you didn’t want her to come with you you shouldn’t of booked tickets for them . Of course she’s going to want to travel with you why would book tickets buy travel separately doesn’t make any sense. If you don’t want her to go say so and right the money off . I do feel sorry for your niece though considering she’ll be the only one who would actually benefit as your baby is too young .

mumto2teenagers · 01/12/2021 18:10

When you booked the tickets was there no discussion about how you were going to get there given it is so far.

Does you MIL drive, were you expecting her to drive and meet you there? If so I would be worried about an alcoholic driving your niece.

watchingrnfire · 01/12/2021 18:19

For someone that doesn't get along with thier inlaws, why oh why would you tell mil in the first place