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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do people who talk of a 'forever home' forget they are going to age?

476 replies

flashbac · 01/12/2021 13:38

Who wants to rattle around in a family home when the kids have left and you can no longer do the stairs? Are people intending on hogging a home too big for their needs until they die or am I missing something?

What is a 'forever home'?

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 01/12/2021 15:44

@MysteriousSoup

‘hogging’ give over Hmm
Indeed!
Ceecee30 · 01/12/2021 15:45

My grandparents bought their particularly spacious 3 floor town house in the early 60's when they got married - may I add it cost £3000 which was supposedly expensive then. Worth about £500,000 now probably more.

Anyway regardless of cost, even if it was a smaller house, they raised their kids in it, they've seen their grandkids grow up in it... sadly my grandad died last year and my grandmother now lives alone. She doesn't want to sell up her marital home because it was a 'forever' home for them. Only lived with parents before. She has mobility issues but got a stair lift put in so it's do-able. She probably rarely goes up to the top floor but she has family around to help if she needs ri get something from up there.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say about hogging a house too big for them. Do you mean council housing? Or just anyone's house? Regardless YABU.

Some people have built a lifetime of memories in their house.

tara66 · 01/12/2021 15:45

I saw a survey recently that said most older people do not really want to downsize unless they have to because they are often very attached to their existing house even if it is too big for one or two people.

FrownedUpon · 01/12/2021 15:47

You sound bitter. If I’ve paid for my lovely five bed house, I’ll stay here as long as I want. I’d hate to live in a flat or terrace again. I love having loads of space and no neighbours.

HideousKinky · 01/12/2021 15:47

Now our 3 DCs are adults, DH & I are living just the 2 of us in our 5 bedroom house where we've lived for 22 years.

It was recently filled with relatives staying from US for DD's wedding and will be full again at Christmas. I have no plans to move and as a PP said upthread, I intend to be taken out in a box.

However we also own a 3-bedroom flat and could decide to live there if as we aged we began to struggle here.

But for the record, I also hate the phrase "forever home"

elfycat · 01/12/2021 15:48

We bought a bungalow 20 years ago and before anyone whines about us hogging a bungalow there were only 2 properties within our spec, this bungalow and another house in the centre of what was going to be a new-build estate that is still being added to. All the fields around large house have gone now (lived in it 3 years, then rented it out while we moved for DH's job for a few years - then moved back 10 years ago with young children) and we've extended it - both a loft conversion and a large living room out back.

When we get older we can use the original downstairs bedrooms and bathroom and any younger guests (assuming the kids visit) can use the upstairs and tidy up before leaving, ready for the next visitor.

DD2 (11yo) has said she fully intends to live here once we're gone. It's walking distance to a small market town centre and even closer to a mainline train station to London, and is on a main trunk road. She might...

We don't call it our 'forever home' as I'd find that nauseatingly twee, but I'll leave here to go to a residential home or in a box, unless something major happens (Euromillion win?).

blameless · 01/12/2021 15:48

Personally, I think the term is very useful. Currently helping a widow who would have spent the rest of her days in her house, had her husband not died unexpectedly. The house doesn't enable her to live independently and although the couple were happy there, it's state of decoration and repair have cost her £50k in value when downsizing.
My own house could be easily adapted to enable living on the ground floor only but my friend's mother has a large beautiful house that does not lend itself to single-storey life.
Several elderly friends have gone downhill very fast when faced with forced downsizing after 50 or 60 years in their previous home. Choose your forever home with care and it can last a lifetime.

Cherrytart23 · 01/12/2021 15:48

Yes I intend to 'hog' my own home untill I die then it will go to my children me hogging as you put it my own home will make no difference to anyone who is in need of a family home as my home will always belong to my family.

IcelandicCabin · 01/12/2021 15:48

@HideousKinky

Now our 3 DCs are adults, DH & I are living just the 2 of us in our 5 bedroom house where we've lived for 22 years.

It was recently filled with relatives staying from US for DD's wedding and will be full again at Christmas. I have no plans to move and as a PP said upthread, I intend to be taken out in a box.

However we also own a 3-bedroom flat and could decide to live there if as we aged we began to struggle here.

But for the record, I also hate the phrase "forever home"

Aaahhh... so not only a nasty house hogger but also a nasty landlord!

[Joke- we also have a flat we rent out. And I am a terrific landlord. ;) ]

thisplaceisweird · 01/12/2021 15:49

Buying house is SO expensive in the country where we live with lots of additional tax on top of huge deposits that we may not actually be able to afford to do it again! We'd have to considerably downsize, which I'm not sure if we will really want to. So yes, this is our forever home.

Even if it weren't OP, people do use language to slightly exaggerate, or conjur images, that's the beauty of it. No need to get so upset!

MsAgnesDiPesto · 01/12/2021 15:49

@Starcaller

And it's hardly 'hogging' to continue to live in your own home you've paid for and lived in for years Confused
Exactly! We have a four bed and it’s just the two of us, no children, but we each have a bedroom as an office here, which will, when we get to retire, become a music room and a crafts room for us respectively, as we will have more time to devote to them then. We’ll then continue to keep the spare room for visitors - people over 65 still have a social life! And our garden is really important to us for relaxation - we will be able to afford to pay someone to do the heavy work if we can’t. We also have scope to convert our garage to a ground floor bedroom and the adjacent utility room to an en-suite of either of us need it. And room for a stair lift.

I don’t want to spend my post-work years in a poky box when we’ve worked for so long to have a house which works for us and our lifestyle.

user0176 · 01/12/2021 15:52

You're being too literal, most people use the phrase just to mean their long term home, not the next step on the ladder but the long term solution with no next step yet envisaged. I don't think everyone who says it genuinely thinks that's their last home.

Alonelonelyloner · 01/12/2021 15:53

YANBU. I have realised in the last couple of years that my forever home is literally not going to work when I am old and decrepit. I will have to either sell when I am 70 or resign myself to living downstairs. It is a beautiful home but no matter how fit I am (I run marathons and am very fit), I won't manage realistically. It was a dumb move! Maybe I will die before then and then the kids at least get some money :)

RedHot22 · 01/12/2021 15:55

@Alonelonelyloner

YANBU. I have realised in the last couple of years that my forever home is literally not going to work when I am old and decrepit. I will have to either sell when I am 70 or resign myself to living downstairs. It is a beautiful home but no matter how fit I am (I run marathons and am very fit), I won't manage realistically. It was a dumb move! Maybe I will die before then and then the kids at least get some money :)
Why won’t you manage past 70?
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 01/12/2021 15:55

@flashbac

Who wants to rattle around in a family home when the kids have left and you can no longer do the stairs? Are people intending on hogging a home too big for their needs until they die or am I missing something? What is a 'forever home'?
Yes, you are missing something.

And if you don’t have the wit/wherewithal to figure it out unassisted, I don’t think people explaining it to you will help.

fabricfanatic · 01/12/2021 15:56

I think it's fairly obvious what it means, whether or not one likes the term.

DH and I live in a home that's larger than we "need", but we also could still use more room, when we very rarely have guests overnight. (Not that I'd like more to keep clean!) One of the rooms we don't "need" is a home office, and the other two are dedicated to our hobbies.

We paid for our home, we've put in the work to maintain and improve it, it holds many memories for us, and we'll keep it as long as we like to, which might be our entire lives. It's no-one else's concern, and the idea of someone "hogging" a home they own deserves the Hmm emoji, imo.

Agirlcalledeaster · 01/12/2021 15:56

Hogging a homeHmm

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 01/12/2021 15:56

@Alonelonelyloner

YANBU. I have realised in the last couple of years that my forever home is literally not going to work when I am old and decrepit. I will have to either sell when I am 70 or resign myself to living downstairs. It is a beautiful home but no matter how fit I am (I run marathons and am very fit), I won't manage realistically. It was a dumb move! Maybe I will die before then and then the kids at least get some money :)
You ‘run marathons’ and you don’t think you’ll be able to cope living in your home after 69….? Confused Confused
Minceandonions · 01/12/2021 15:56

We are a childfree couple and certainly aren't "rattling around" our house! On this thread people seem to be referring to people "rattling around" once the children have left home.
We have a bedroom, a spare room, and an office and hobby room each. Downstairs we have a living room, kitchen diner and garage. Every room is well used.

Roselilly36 · 01/12/2021 16:01

It is the most ridiculous term, there is not such thing as a forever home, circumstances change, children fly the nest, needs change, people downsize. There are long term homes, but forever homes, no.

IfNot · 01/12/2021 16:02

I never understand fully grown people who bounce around and don't settle that's for the young, honestly who can be arsed with dragging all your stuff from house to house?
Are you serious?!
Well, lots of fully grown people cant get a mortgage/afford a house big enough for themselves and their growing kids and have to rent, so often don't have much choice!
Thinking about this today actually. I saved and saved for a house, to buy, but then the pandemic, and oops! The government decided to do everything they could to inflate house prices, and at the same time all the young couples who were happily living in the town centre with no garden decided they needed a bigger house in the suburbs, and they can get 30 year mortgages...so if we do ever get to buy we will probably have to squeeze into a bungalow (of which there are loads in my area at the moment) because the price of a 3 bed semi has gone up by 80-100 k in 2 years and is out of our reach again.
More likely than that is that it will never happen, and my forever home will be a caravan! At least I can be towed directly to the funeral home.

Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead · 01/12/2021 16:03

I find it hilarious the way some people off mumsnet thinks everyone over a certain age, loses use of their legs. Like every older person in the world is doddering about with alzheimers.

We are in our 'forever' home, meaning we are going to be in it forever. Shock horror it has stairs. Wide and not very steep, so I'm hoping I can manage them in my older years.

If I'm anything like my 76 year old mum who lives in a 2nd floor flat and DH is like his 78 year old dad, who still climbs scaffolding to do DIY jobs, we'll be okay.

Not everyone turns 80 loses every single faculty.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 01/12/2021 16:04

@Roselilly36

It is the most ridiculous term, there is not such thing as a forever home, circumstances change, children fly the nest, needs change, people downsize. There are long term homes, but forever homes, no.
Of course some people live in their homes forever.
GoldenOmber · 01/12/2021 16:05

I’ve never said ‘forever home’ but I absolutely intend my current house to be the one I live in as long as I possibly can. Too many years of renting and moving, not leaving here unless I’m prised out with a crowbar.

But also I want my home to be somewhere I feel settled. I know my neighbours, I’ve planted things in the garden and watched them grow. I don’t want to feel like everywhere I live is just a temporary spot to camp out in. I’ve done enough of that already.

521Jeanie · 01/12/2021 16:05

Some people move around a lot, buy a new home every few years according to needs and wants at that point in time. Other people (like my family) buy their homes, bring families up in them, stay decades and feel sentimental about them. That's what a forever home means to me.

I didn't realise this was my forever home when I bought it, but it's served me well, and has been a stable and happy place imbued with love and family. I would be sad to move away from it, because it love it, so I won't go until I have to have to, either because I can't cope here any more, or the location's not right.