To want to protect MH at Christmas

[PinkLadyFriday]

How do you protect your MH at Christmas when you have to spend time with family you really don’t want to see.
As it approaches I’m getting more and more anxious. My heart his racing and my legs feel wobbly just writing about it.
I have to spend two days and one night with these individuals and I know it doesn’t sound a long time but it’s overwhelming me.
There’s little escape as it’s dark so early and I’m expected to stay indoors while the visit takes place. I don’t spend anytime with these people at any other time of the year.
Any advice please wise friends?

Just don't go.
The impact of not going sounds like it's much less stressful than the impact of going.

Don’t go, end of.

I have very seriously considered just saying I can’t go. There will be consequences of that though and I’m weighing up those consequences against my very real sky high anxiety.

You protect your mental health by giving yourself permission to keep away from people who make you feel so awful 💐

Your mental health is more important than seeing people you don't really like. If you only see them once a year they can't be adding much to your life so I'd cancel.
If you really feel like you have to go is it possible to just go for one day and come home in the evening?

Don’t go and if you never see them otherwise can you just cut contact? You don’t need people who make you feel so anxious in your life.

I agree with the previous posters - just don't go. If you fear a backlash from the people you're supposed to be visiting, then tell them you've been a close contact of someone with Covid, and have to self-isolate.

What would the consequences be if you didn't go? Life is too short to surround yourself with toxicity all for the sake of "Christmas" and "family time". If you don't feel strong enough to say, I don't want to go, can you feign illness? It took me a long time but I now spend Christmas only with the people I want to and shut down the people that I don't. Much love x

Don’t go. What’s the worst that can happen? Decline and turn your phone off for a bit.

The consequences will be worth it to not have to put yourself through this every 12 months for the rest of yours/their lives.

I agree with those saying “don’t go”

Unfortunately I can’t cut contact due to the relationship I have with them.
The consequences will probably be quite difficult but I’m not sure if they’ll be as difficult as going would be. If I do go I would have to put on an act the whole time, a smiley happy face that hides the abject misery I feel being around them.

Thank you for the support, it’s very helpful.

I don’t go

Could you fake a friend in need who suddenly becomes unwell and needs your help or you to dog sit or something?

Or work over Xmas?

Or “get covid” ?

Don’t go or bullshit at the last minute (home emergency or sickness bug) In the new year make steps to address things & go no contact.

Avoid, covid has given us the best excuse in years.

"Cough cough I have a slight temperature and a cough and I'm waiting on the results of a PCR test sorry I'm not going to be able to attend."

Absolutely don't go! Cross the consequences bridge if and when you come to it. You deserve to look forward to Christmas, not feel anxious and shaky about the very thought of it!

I’m not asking you for details unless you want to share them but my advice would depend on your reasons.

I used to feel like this at the prospect of spending time with my in laws. I learned ways of dealing with them and protecting myself around them.

But I can imagine that your difficulties could possibly be rooted in much darker reasons, maybe something like undisclosed abuse? And in that case I think you should step away, and use covid as an excuse if that’s easiest.

My pils can be toxic, boundary tramplers but I didn’t feel I could put my needs before those of my dh and dc, particularly at Christmas. And tbf I’ve worked at this and come out the other side. MN can be quick to advise cutting people off and sometimes that’s appropriate but sometimes it’s not. But while there are times to tough it out, there are also times not to.

And even if your reasons aren’t what might be considered serious ones, it’s also ok (more than ok) to put your MH front and centre.

awful pity that you'll have to self-isolate when you have suspected covid

I assume you’re an adult and have free will? If you don’t want to go somewhere don’t go.
If you’re situation causes you some MH issues please consider counselling.

There’s also good thread in Relationship called Stately Homes for those with dysfunctional families.

💐OP
It’s hard to see wood for the trees sometimes.

I ditched the toxic. Last year was great, this year will be even better.

Fuck the aftermath, have the Christmas you want OP. Seriously, it's not worth it.

@FrenchBoule

I assume you’re an adult and have free will? If you don’t want to go somewhere don’t go. If you’re situation causes you some MH issues please consider counselling.

There’s also good thread in Relationship called Stately Homes for those with dysfunctional families.

💐OP
It’s hard to see wood for the trees sometimes.

This.

With much kindness, because I know it can seem a lot easier said than done, but you do not have to see anyone if you really don’t want to.

Can you explain (without going into undue detail) what the consequences might be if you were to opt out altogether?

Who is it OP? It will help the advice. In laws? Sister?

It’s absolutely not wrong to want to protect your mental health. And if they’re making you feel like this already, then the best way is to simply say ‘No. I’m not coming. I don’t want to’.

But I know you have to feel strong enough to be able to do that. So Covid or Norovirus would be my choice for this year. If you go with Norovirus, nobody can demand to see positive test results either. And then the priority for the new year would be getting strong enough to cut contact completely. Maybe spend some time on the Stately Homes thread.