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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to protect MH at Christmas

124 replies

PinkLadyFriday · 30/11/2021 12:02

How do you protect your MH at Christmas when you have to spend time with family you really don’t want to see.
As it approaches I’m getting more and more anxious. My heart his racing and my legs feel wobbly just writing about it.
I have to spend two days and one night with these individuals and I know it doesn’t sound a long time but it’s overwhelming me.
There’s little escape as it’s dark so early and I’m expected to stay indoors while the visit takes place. I don’t spend anytime with these people at any other time of the year.
Any advice please wise friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkLadyFriday · 30/11/2021 17:19

I strongly suspect that the supportive posts might stop once I say it’s my young adult step children.
It might sound extremely dramatic but I feel traumatised by them. I love my husband and I know he needs to see his children which I’m very happy for him to do but I do not want to spend any time with them. I would really like him to go alone to see them and I will happily stay home but he wants me to play happy families.

OP posts:
EbonanzaScrooge · 30/11/2021 17:26

Pull a sickie 24 hrs before. It’s not always easy to use free will in some circumstances. I would make sure you have all your favourite foods in and have a ‘bug’ that means you can’t leave the house over Christmas

FlorenceWintle · 30/11/2021 17:26

Have you explained to your husband how anxious it is making you? Will he listen and understand?

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 30/11/2021 17:29

Ah I can understand that you might’ve been hesitant to share. I expect there must be a backstory that has some extreme behaviours to warrant that kind of stress reaction from you. I’m going to trust you that your position is valid.

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from it? Do you have enough money to stay at a hotel for a few days, or family nearby that you can visit while your DH’s children are visiting?

EmeraldShamrock · 30/11/2021 17:32

Don't go, stop going in the future, nobody is worth the stessed reaction taking over your mind.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/11/2021 17:34

No judgement from me, they're adults and not very nice ones.
He needs to go alone.

FieldOverFence · 30/11/2021 17:35

The advice is probably the same - you are a gorwn up that doesn't have to go anywhere you don't want to, if the impacts on your MH are going to be awful.
Now you will obviously want to weight that up with potential consequences - with your stepkids, if you don't see them at other times of the year, probably not going to change a whole lot - with your DH, maybe more problematic. Does he understand & accept what they have done to trigger this response ?

violetbunny · 30/11/2021 17:36

No judgement here. Life is too short. Tell him you're not going.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 30/11/2021 17:43

Do you really need to stay indoors? Surely it's quite normal to get some fresh air and go for a walk. Would this be possible?

friendlycat · 30/11/2021 17:46

Why do you not spend any time with them at any other point of the year?

Could be looked at two ways.

Firstly would you forge a better relationship going forward if you spent more than just a few days at Christmas each year?

Alternatively if you only spend time together once a year will it really matter much if you are not there, but obviously your DH must spend time with his adult children without you.

Sn0tnose · 30/11/2021 17:49

No judgment from me either, although I can see why faking an illness might be a problem now.

I’m assuming he wants you to play happy families because he either doesn’t want to choose between you about where to spend Christmas or because he doesn’t want to address their behaviour? Tell him you’re not going and he can either tell them the truth or say you’re ill with a migraine (to explain why he’s not contagious).

Classica · 30/11/2021 17:50

Absolutely pull a sickie, if you don't feel ready for the 'I don't want to spend time with them' convo.

If you never see them at any other time of the year then it's clearly just a social convention you all feel pressured to bow to due to it being Christmas.

Free yourself. Let DH go alone.

Soontobegrandma · 30/11/2021 17:52

I totally feel your pain. We have to see my brother and his awful girlfriend who is a generation younger than him and an absolute exhibitionist. I’ve basically decided to make ourselves unavailable, other than maybe a quick coffee at a local cafe. I just can’t face a sit down meal with her prattling on all night.

wildthingsinthenight · 30/11/2021 17:52

Agree you should not go and use covid as an excuse. Please protect yourself.
Absolutely no judgment here at all.
I have to spend about 5 hours on Boxing Day with SIL and family and I'm already dreading it.

MatildaIThink · 30/11/2021 17:52

@PinkLadyFriday

I have very seriously considered just saying I can’t go. There will be consequences of that though and I’m weighing up those consequences against my very real sky high anxiety.
Say you have Covid and have to isolate?
LiJo2015 · 30/11/2021 17:56

I know this is so easy for me to type and then just expect you to do. But don't go and even think about cutting ties if these people are toxic. I have cut ties with all my family. I cannot underestimate how hard this is, especially at celebrations like Christmas. But I remind myself that being with them causes more harm to me than being without them. Whatever you decide, think about getting some therapy if you're able? Alternatively there's lots of support stuff online which you may find useful.

Madreamigajefa · 30/11/2021 17:57

Could you volunteer to help somewhere feeding those who don't normally get a great Christmas Dinner, or walking dogs at a shelter etc, and communicate it as though you're being doubly selfless? “I know you don't get to spend a lot of time with your dad so I think its important you get him all to yourselves, and I am not going to be alone, I've always wanted to help out over Christmas and so many people can benefit this way. I'm really grateful you understand and send you my best wishes for Christmas though! “

girlmom21 · 30/11/2021 18:33

I see why that makes things more difficult but I still don't think you need to go and spend time with them.

I like the idea of volunteering or something similar if that's something you'd be up for.

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 30/11/2021 18:41

Perhaps you can fake a cough/cold type illness that you don't want to spread. Or sickness and diarrhea,, that's always a good one..

greenlynx · 30/11/2021 18:43

I wouldn’t judge you at all but I can see why it’s difficult to avoid. What are you usually doing while visiting them? And what exactly are you anxious about? Do you fear that they might be aggressive towards you?

Wotsitsits · 30/11/2021 18:47

If you don't want to spend time playing happy families then tell OH.

It's not fair of him to put this on you and you're not actually agreeing!

LucentBlade · 30/11/2021 18:49

I’m assuming they hate you which is what’s making you feel uncomfortable. It’s either they can’t accept their Father having a relationship possibly because their Mother has been on a hate campaign or you were the OW.

What does your husband think about it?

BeefSupreme · 30/11/2021 18:53

When you say there will be consequences if you don’t go, do you mean your husband will punish you?

Starbonnet123 · 30/11/2021 18:57

@PinkLadyFriday I've not read all the replies but do you want a positive Covid test photo sending to you to use when needed ? 😁

ThreeWiseBuddhas · 30/11/2021 19:01

[quote Starbonnet123]@PinkLadyFriday I've not read all the replies but do you want a positive Covid test photo sending to you to use when needed ? 😁[/quote]
Genius! 🤣