To want to protect MH at Christmas

[PinkLadyFriday]

How do you protect your MH at Christmas when you have to spend time with family you really don’t want to see.
As it approaches I’m getting more and more anxious. My heart his racing and my legs feel wobbly just writing about it.
I have to spend two days and one night with these individuals and I know it doesn’t sound a long time but it’s overwhelming me.
There’s little escape as it’s dark so early and I’m expected to stay indoors while the visit takes place. I don’t spend anytime with these people at any other time of the year.
Any advice please wise friends?

I totally get the anxiety and the physical feelings of dread you are feeling. I don't think making an excuse for this year will really help you though as the problem will still be there next year, the year after, etc.

2 days and a night is a long time to be in the same place as people who distress you so much. I don't think you should be putting yourself through that without making some changes. I would say to have a proper discussion with your dh about how it makes you feel and have a starting point of how it's not an option to just carry on as before.

Other options are - don't go and dh goes alone if it's that bad you feel it will never improve; speak/write to the adult children and acknowledge some of the issues but express hope for a new start and see what response you get; get dh to intervene and speak to his children about the situation and what changes he/you want to see in how you are treated; change the details of the meet-up whether that be a shorter duration, a different location (neutral territory) or a different purpose e.g. walk instead of a meal etc. Or staying in a hotel rather than with them - and arrange one short meet-up with you then dh can make some other/extra arrangements with them as he chooses. That way you aren't totally out in the cold but the set-up might be more tolerable for you.

If at all possible (and it may not be), I would certainly consider whether this is something that can be rescued or improved given that these people are your husband's children and he still wants contact. I would also bear in mind that sometimes people actually want to to create a situation where you self-exclude yourself so you might be playing into their hands if they think they can drive a wedge between you and dh and 'kick you out'. Finally - another approach is to get really specific about precisely what they do/say that wears you down and think about your options for dealing with each and every comment or action - although this sort of micro-management can be exhausting in itself.

Good luck and hope you find some answers x

Honestly, I used to get in such a state about having to spend Christmas with my parents that I stopped doing it and went low contact with them. My father, in particular, was emotionally abusive to the point where it was normal behaviour for him. It just wasn't worth it, to me.

What consequences will there be?

You say you love your husband and presumably he loves you back. He must be aware of how deeply you despise his children? If not are you worried that refusing to spend Christmas with them will actually finally spell it out for him once and for all and that he will feel differently towards you after that?

If you don’t feel up to being honest with them, this year there’s surely an easy get out with covid-like symptoms meaning you should stay away to ‘be on the safe side’?

Can you stay at a hotel and go during the day? Do you know anyone there that you could visit to break up the day?Is there any particular walk/activity that you could suggest that waters down the contact. Can you bring a book and suffer terrible migraines do you can head to bed early? My MIL is horrible to me and I get severe anxiety when I visit but I keep myself busy and try limit one on one at the table (with all the passive digs) for an hour or two per day only. They are just some tips. Also being very friendly and smiling a lot helps as it catches and is not so difficult.

I’m often alone at Xmas but tbh I think I would rather be then be somewhere I don’t want to be. Just say you aren’t well a few days before

@LagunaBubbles

You don't need to know. The situation is quite clearly traumatic for the OP. This thread isn't your Tuesday night entertainment.

No-one can tell though if she is bu or not without knowing full story, so why bother posting.

She's not asking whether she's unreasonable to not like them. She's asking for help with managing her mental health when she's forced to spend time with them.

People can be bullies at any age. Whatever has happened has happened, you can't change that, but you can choose what happens in the future.

Are you brave enough to confront them about their behaviour? Explain that they have hurt you and that as such you are fearful of being in their company and are dreading Christmas. Then take it from there? If they apologise then maybe things could improve, if they don't care well thats the point that I would withdraw further communication with them.

Good luck.

So I am a single mum to one 4 yr old dd and I was invited to my brothers in-laws and also to my ex partners big family doo, both on Christmas Day. I felt terrible saying no to either and accepted both, then found myself having anxious thoughts and kind of pre living the day in my head and getting stressed before it had even happened. In the end I just thought, why am I causing this stress for myself? What would make me and my dd happiest on the day? And the answer to that is, having a quiet day together just me and dd, letting her choose her fave foods to eat on the day and playing with her new toys together, watching Christmas tv! So that’s what we are doing. You do you, they will have to live with it.

@A580Hojas

What consequences will there be?

You say you love your husband and presumably he loves you back. He must be aware of how deeply you despise his children? If not are you worried that refusing to spend Christmas with them will actually finally spell it out for him once and for all and that he will feel differently towards you after that?

He knows how both I and they feel. He wants to keep everyone happy which is never possible. I am more than happy to spend Christmas alone so he can spend it with them I just do not want to timber there.

It sounds difficult @PinkLadyFriday But what specifically is it about seeing them that makes you anxious?
Is it the fear of what they will say/do whilst you're in their company?
The fact that you don't like them and don't want to spend time with them?

Consider how the way that you act in their presence will influence their behaviour towards you too. How do you think you appear to them?

• He knows how both I and they feel. He wants to keep everyone happy which is never possible. I am more than happy to spend Christmas alone so he can spend it with them I just do not want to timber there.*

Well that's not true is it? Since what would make you happy is not going and with Covid around you have plenty of plausible excuses. Do the step kids even want you around/there if they hate you so much? Is it their home or are there other adults involved like DH's parents and the kids' grandparents?

They will be happier without you around and vice versa.
Your husband is talking rubbish.
6 years of hate campaign and he didn’t step in?
That’s not on.
Stand your ground, you’re not going and that’s it.
You don’t have to be in the firing line of their hatred and him being passive bystander.

All those people suggesting excuses - D&V, migraine, covid should be ashamed of themselves. Address the issue like an adult with your husband and do what you feel is best.

Tell them you have covid symptoms

I don't usually advocate lying but if is that hard to set limits with them could you 'get covid' and not be able to go?

Fuck that. Don't go. Won't be fun for any of you by the sounds of it!

I’m of the opinion that just making up an illness doesn’t deal with the issue as what then happens next year? And the year after etc.

Why would there be consequences? And by whom?

It sounds as though this really does need to be addressed going forward. If he knows how you feel and how they feel and both you and they don’t want to be in each other’s company what is the point in pushing it?

The problem is that there will always be family occasions, weddings, christenings etc going forward.

Why is the meet up only once a year at Christmas?

It’s difficult to give advice as young adults could mean quite a variety of ages. So for instance this could have been going on for 6 years from the age of 12 to 18 or younger or older.

His children aren’t going to go away. Could your feelings and anxiety lessen with support from him backing you up? Are you being super sensitive? How unreasonable are they towards you? It’s just so difficult to say from the very limited information you have given.

But one thing is certain is that as you have identified he has both a wife and children and at the moment it’s impossible to keep both happy so perhaps compromise is necessary.

Do not go.

You do not owe anyone your time or company.

You can invite those you want to see for a pre or post Xmas meet up.

I don’t know them particularly well but know enough to say without doubt they won’t want to see me. They would much prefer to just see their dad and I understand that and I’m happy to go alone so they can.

Over the years they’ve been openly hostile but as I am now absent in their everyday lives it’s now more a passive aggressive approach.

It has gone on for a long time and a stronger more self confident person would have left them to it.

So, you don't want to go? I'd take a guess that your step children don't really want you to go? And you're happy spending Christmas alone so your husband can still go and see his children? There seems to be a fairly obvious solution here, tell your husband you're not going this year, and that you hope he has a wonderful time - then when he's gone crack open some Christmas chocolates and something alcoholic and enjoy.

I think your husband is the problem here. From what you have said he is aware of the fact that you don't like them and they don't like you however he thinks forcing you all together is keeping everyone happy. That makes absolutely no sense, its almost delusional. For your own sanity just refuse on the basis that neither you nor them want this and he needs to acknowledge and accept that and stop trying to force something that isn't there.

Thank you @Mulhollandmagoo that would be the solution but for some Unknown reason DH wants us all to endure fake happy families! If I refuse he will be very unhappy but if I go along with it I will be.

Just be firm, tell your DH you are not going, there is no point discussing it & you hope he has a lovely time. He is being selfish if he cannot see your point of view, you are being gracious in encouraging him to go. He can't insist you go, you are an adult. Send him off to have a wonderful time.

How did you feel not going last year during lockdown?