To want to protect MH at Christmas

[PinkLadyFriday]

How do you protect your MH at Christmas when you have to spend time with family you really don’t want to see.
As it approaches I’m getting more and more anxious. My heart his racing and my legs feel wobbly just writing about it.
I have to spend two days and one night with these individuals and I know it doesn’t sound a long time but it’s overwhelming me.
There’s little escape as it’s dark so early and I’m expected to stay indoors while the visit takes place. I don’t spend anytime with these people at any other time of the year.
Any advice please wise friends?

@PinkLadyFriday

Thank you *@Mulhollandmagoo* that would be the solution but for some Unknown reason DH wants us all to endure fake happy families! If I refuse he will be very unhappy but if I go along with it I will be.

So he couldn't possibly be expected to be unhappy at the situation, but you have no choice and have to suck it up and be miserable? That's not OK is it?

Tell him no, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you deserve to have a happy and peaceful Christmas too

It sounds like you and SC will be happier if you stay at home so it’s your DH who needs to come round. It sounds like your husbands head is firmly in the sand. Sympathise with what he wants (a happy family thing) but that it simply isn’t going to happen. Sympathise with his position - being in the middle and not wanting to leave either side but explain that by you not going they get to be happier, you get to be happier and you want to put him at ease so he can be happy without guilt. Tell him to buy you a Chinese (or some treat) to show you he cares and if he’s worried how it looks tell him to say you’re unwell but that if it works out you see it happening next year and subsequent years.

@PinkLadyFriday

Thank you *@Mulhollandmagoo* that would be the solution but for some Unknown reason DH wants us all to endure fake happy families! If I refuse he will be very unhappy but if I go along with it I will be.

your dh is being very unreasonable here. Sometimes relationships just don't work and don't need to. Yes it would be nice - especially for him - if you all got on wonderfully but you don't so that is the reality. You shouldn't have to suffer for his dream of a big happy blended family. And, frankly, neither should his children. Tell him you are not going, he is to go and be happy, you won't make him feel bad about it but will have a lovely peaceful time on your own and the two of you will have a nice dinner when he gets back.

If it was a dinner on xmas day I might say suck it up for the sake of it but 2 nights that are stressing you out and making you miserable - no way. Why does his need to pretend trump your need to be comfortable? Why does his happiness matter more than yours?

he needs to accept that his children will have a better christmas this way and so will you. If you are on texting terms with the person who invited you text back saying "thanks for the lovely invitation. I won't be able to go but your dad is really looking forward to it. I hope you all have a lovely few days" Otherwise tell him that is the message and he is to stick to it.

@Kona84

How did you feel not going last year during lockdown?

They came to us last year even though it was not allowed DH felt he could justify this as one was still under 18 at that time and he bent the rules to suit. You’ll remember that children under 18 were allowed to visit their non resident parent in lockdown. The other one came too even though over 18. It was the difficulty of last Christmas that is making me so anxious about this one. They’re not openly hostile anymore (they were as younger children) it’s now the whispering, the odd comment, the unsaid tension, the looks and discomfort. As a step parent you’re always the outsider I accepted this a long time ago and made steps to deal with it. It is just these pinch points such as Christmas where the problem arises. There will be weddings and family events in time but even those won’t be such close events with no escape.

@PinkLadyFriday

I have very seriously considered just saying I can’t go. There will be consequences of that though and I’m weighing up those consequences against my very real sky high anxiety.

It's very unfortunate that on the eve of having to leave, You've been pinged and told to self isolate... What a shame. You were looking so forward to it!! So annoying, after so much hope that Christmas would be a bit more normal this year! .....Will that work?

I was going to say similar to @Sunshinealligator either “get pinged” or start developing symptoms so you have to go for PCR and isolate.

It’s a horrible situation to be in and very difficult to navigate, sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I am struggling to understand the set up you have looming large . If your SC are 18 and a bit older how are you going to 'stay with them' .?

Does this horribly stressful proposal include their mother - who has waged this hate campaign ? (Surely not ??) I suppose it's not impossible that the SC are householders .. but pretty unusual at that age.
What I am trying to understand- is - is the place you are going a holiday home /or another of sc family ? If the latter could you possibly find some nearby activity for the duration of the stay that reduces your time in physical contact . ?

I would tell your husband that you want him to have a great relationship with his DC but that you don't think that needs to involve you. It sounds like everyone will be happier if you don't go, so just make that the new norm. Stop being involved in their life - give your DH alone time with them over the holidays and create your own tradition on your own for those two days.

For this year I would be ill on the day and then next year, you can point out that everyone enjoyed it more without you all being forced together so let's do that in future.

Has your DH ever called them on their behaviours before - or does he expect you to just suck it up?

If he has known about it (especially seen it) over the years and not stepped in then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I think that an overnight at xmas is not the time or place to have this aired and you shouldn’t go. You could ask him to facilitate a conversation at another time where the behaviours are highlighted and listed and declared that they won’t be acceptable and if they happen your DH will up and leave with you.

Would he do that for you?

Do you want him to?

Given their ages and that the hostility is less overt now they may choose to change if your DH shines a light on it.

However it may be too little too late for you and that’s your choice.

Also as they are now adults are you comfortable calling them on behaviours.

Would your DH back you in this?

Someone posted the “shine a light on it” technique for bullying which goes like this:

“It makes me feel very uncomfortable when you snigger and whisper like that - is that your intention?”

You are very traumatised - even if you choose never to cross paths again - you will need to deal with this for your own sake.

So either you will be unhappy or your husband will, and let's even pretend that it will be 'equal' unhappiness either way. Last year you put his happiness first, this year you have the right to ask him to do the same for you. Once he has had a chance to do it by himself and potentially enjoyed it, he might come round to your way of thinking.

I do think DHs just think it’s all going to fall into place between their DWs and existing DCs without any effort on their part. And often when there’s been a lot of behaviour from their DCs which they let go as Disney dad so it gets entrenched.
My DH is just realising his DCs attitude towards me after 5 years and has in the last few days challenged them. He had thought it would all change just because we got married - I didn’t think it would.
So no advice really - I’m not looking forward to the next time I see this DSS & am a bit hurt after trying for so long with them but don’t quite feel able to get out of family visits. Though it should be an option. I had to make it clear that we don’t have to do everything together (eg nothing wrong with each of us visiting our DC alone - though hasn’t happened yet) all the time which helps!

As a kid we had a female relative that was lovely but needed a lot of lie-downs in dark rooms for headaches

Thanks everyone for such support, i thought once I mentioned it was a step family problem id be flamed and I’m relieved and pleasantly surprised to see such support.

This years ‘festivities’ are being held at F&MIL’s - the step childrens grandparents. The in laws are nice people who I have no problem with and we are pretty much in a separate cottage to sleep. So step children,DH and me essentially in a holiday cottage on ILs land. I’d much rather be in my own home but either way being around my step children is something I’d rather avoid. Throughout the year I make plans to visit friends or family if they are staying over, or if it’s a shorter visit I just go shopping or for a long walk. I have no problem with this at all and do enjoy alone time. DH sees them as much or as little as they all want - I don’t get involved I just ask to know when plans have been made.

Being an unwanted step mum is, I guess although I have no experience, a bit like being the OW at Christmas - although clearly I’m not a secret.

I do think you need to learn to be firmer, my DH and I spend time separately with our adult DS ... no offence is taken, a couple of years ago they went skiing together at Christmas, I had a lovely quiet time at home. You don't need to be joined at the hip all at the time and, especially because of the atmosphere caused ... your DH sounds a bit needy if he is trying to insist on 'happy families with everyone being together'.

Very best wishes whatever you decide OP. I did similar many years ago, just with the ex in-laws (not kids)
Ex would ask what he should tell them and I said I didn't really mind, but I was blowed if I'd spend time with them when they so obviously didn't like me. He was the scapegoat in the family and their dislike of me was an extension of that. Once he no longer had me about to absorb their distain, he felt it harder and saw the imbalance in the way his parents treated his brother, his sister in law and their children compared to ours.
Sorry I'm off on a tangent but just wanted to say I understand and empathise.
I hope you can find the strength you need

Just don't go!
It really is that simple!

Yes people may moan and Witter, start with the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail... The thing to remember is if people who are supposed to care for you, they genuinely wouldn't want you to make yourself ill or struggle.

It's the fact that they don't care about you that makes them hassle you, or guilt trip you into putting them before yourself.

Your MH is important, if they cared they'd understand that.

*it's

@MizzFizz

I would tell your husband that you want him to have a great relationship with his DC but that you don't think that needs to involve you. It sounds like everyone will be happier if you don't go, so just make that the new norm. Stop being involved in their life - give your DH alone time with them over the holidays and create your own tradition on your own for those two days.

This is what I would do.

Definitely don't go but wave him off happily to spend time with his children. I wouldn't want to go either. I think I'd send the PILs a card just telling them you won't be there but have a lovely time etc

Perhaps your dh is also unwittingly making the problem worse in how he is expecting his children to interact with you. The 'step-mother' label can cause a lot of issues given that your status in relation to them is really just their Dad's 2nd wife. I don't mean that to be dismissive of your relationship with dh - just that the people in this situation are seeing it from different perspectives and that can often cause friction and bad feeling. Some step-mothers love and care for their step-children as their own, but other times it really isn't a parenting/mothering arrangement at all. Yet the label is the same. Perhaps it is time to openly acknowledge that and see how you can all move forward in a better way?

As they are still teenagers and barely into adulthood, they are still processing these emotions and feelings and trying to find their own way. It may be too soon to cut them off completely as you may yet find a better and more comfortable way to interact, especially if as you say the grandparents are nice and welcoming.

Your husband sounds like such a prick to have tolerated this and now to insist you go.

What do you see in a man who clearly doesn't care about you?

Life is far too short for this bullshit.

Tell him you are not going and that is it.

You and your husband have only one thing in common, HIS happiness comes first.

The fact he doesn't give a damn that you have an utterly miserable, stressful Christmas is what you should be focusing on.

Why are you wasting your life on someone who cares so little for you?

You need counselling to find out why your relationship bar is SO low and why you have accepted such awful treatment and stayed.

@PinkLadyFriday I think you need to tell DH now that you won’t be going to PIL for Christmas. You are happy for him to go alone but you are not prepared to put yourself through another miserable Christmas. You are happy for him to go and spend time with his children and parents but you refuse to be a part of it.

Your DH is deluded to think that he can keep everyone happy. It’s time for him to accept that his children are separate to you and always will be. He probably has a rose tinted image of a blended family but the reality is, it isn’t going to happen because his children don’t like you. They don’t want you to be around them and because they are rude and hostile towards you, you don’t want to be around them either. Your DH can have a happy, strong marriage and a good relationship with his children - just not at the same time in the same place!

Good luck!

I totally understand your apprehension and anxiety. Look these are HIS kids not yours, you DON’T have to go and play happy families, this is your Christmas break too so do something that makes YOU happy. Your DH is being unreasonable forcing this relationship that no one wants.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, whatever you decide to do x

@billy1966

Your husband sounds like such a prick to have tolerated this and now to insist you go.

What do you see in a man who clearly doesn't care about you?

Life is far too short for this bullshit.

Tell him you are not going and that is it.

You and your husband have only one thing in common, HIS happiness comes first.

The fact he doesn't give a damn that you have an utterly miserable, stressful Christmas is what you should be focusing on.

Why are you wasting your life on someone who cares so little for you?

You need counselling to find out why your relationship bar is SO low and why you have accepted such awful treatment and stayed.

I agree with this. Your DH seems delusional and selfish - seems he is happy for you to take the battering and emotional violence from his DCs for HIM (I assume) leaving the family / causing the family breakdown - he gets to swerve it and pretend in front of his parents how well adjusted they all are.

Why did his marriage fail? If you weren’t the OW was someone else?

Seems like these kids have two emotionally inadequate and irresponsible parents - if their DM is demonising you and he is actively complicit in this by not intervening. Think any blame falls squarely on the shoulders of your DH here rather than the teens - who were young children in distress when you came into their lives.

What do you really think about your DH?
I would say he is happy to throw you under the bus - that must be very disappointing.

Do you have your own DCs? Do they get to see you bullied and unsupported?