To want to protect MH at Christmas

[PinkLadyFriday]

How do you protect your MH at Christmas when you have to spend time with family you really don’t want to see.
As it approaches I’m getting more and more anxious. My heart his racing and my legs feel wobbly just writing about it.
I have to spend two days and one night with these individuals and I know it doesn’t sound a long time but it’s overwhelming me.
There’s little escape as it’s dark so early and I’m expected to stay indoors while the visit takes place. I don’t spend anytime with these people at any other time of the year.
Any advice please wise friends?

Bugger that - don't go! Say you feel unwell if you fear fallout. And I'm saying this knowing you've said it's your step kids. You don't have to be around them, whoever they are!

Can you do the visit but stay in a hotel? DH can maximise the time with his DCs and you can minimise yours. Why do you think he wants you to come, has he ever witnessed poor behaviour towards you ?

Can we have the full story? Why do your step children traumatise you so much? If you get involved with someone who has children, whatever their age, then it's generally positive to have a relationship with them rather than always stay in the back ground.

Buy the sugar free gummy bears. Eat the whole lot. It'll be painful,miserable and stinky but your husband won't be able to deny the "symptoms".

Or just tell him the truth, how much it kicks off your anxiety ,how ill it makes you and remind him that they're adults and he's free to spend as much time as he wants with them but you want no part of it.

@LucentBlade

I’m assuming they hate you which is what’s making you feel uncomfortable. It’s either they can’t accept their Father having a relationship possibly because their Mother has been on a hate campaign or you were the OW.

What does your husband think about it?

I was not the OW - their mother did have a hate campaign for a reason I still don’t know.

@A580Hojas

Can we have the full story? Why do your step children traumatise you so much? If you get involved with someone who has children, whatever their age, then it's generally positive to have a relationship with them rather than always stay in the back ground.

I agree it would be much much easier to have a positive experience with them but that ship sailed a long time ago. I am much happier in the background or non existent on their lives. I do not stand in the way of their father seeing his children and never have.

So ... no full story then.

What have these step children done? You're not going to say are you?

So just - dont go. Your dh may want you there but he doesn't need you there. Or are they coming to you, in which case go elsewhere.

OP you're married to this man, talk to him for heaven's sake! I know we all have subjects that are difficult, but failure to communicate causes so many more problems than telling the truth usually does. Does he know that you don't want to go/have them at yours? If so, how does he feel about it? Does he know that you're tying yourself in knots worrying about this? Just tell him, and then deal with his feelings. If they have been influenced by their mother, to dislike you and make you feel uncomfortable, then you have every right not to want to go, and you need to make him understand that. As long as you never put pressure on him to see a friend or relative of yours that he doesn't want to see, then you're not being unreasonable.

Fake a positive lateral flow just before you are due to go. Covid is your friend if you want an excuse.

Only thing you have to do in life is pay taxes and die. Everything else is your choice.

If the thought of it has you in this state four weeks out, I'd opt out of going. That's not a good place for anyone to be in and to preserve your sanity, sometimes you have to be selfish. Can you compromise and do one day with them and then go visit your family elsewhere without DH? So he can enjoy his kids and you can get out of there.

@A580Hojas

So ... no full story then.

What have these step children done? You're not going to say are you?

You don't need to know. The situation is quite clearly traumatic for the OP. This thread isn't your Tuesday night entertainment.

How can anyone say if its unreasonable or not?

@A580Hojas

So ... no full story then.

What have these step children done? You're not going to say are you?

Why are you pressing so hard?! They spent six years being torturous before I walked away. Children can be very unkind to someone their mother tells them to!

I wish so much I hadnt wasted so many of my past Christmases stuck in a room with people who didnt even like me (& who I highly disliked right back!) Absolutely do not go OP. Have the conversation with your partner and make it clear you've done your time with all that and moving forward you will be doing other things. He can still go! Good luck but please dont put yourself through that again.

Thank you @girlmom21 that’s kind of you

I am under no illusion whatsoever that they hate me as much as I dislike them.

@PinkLadyFriday

I have very seriously considered just saying I can’t go. There will be consequences of that though and I’m weighing up those consequences against my very real sky high anxiety.

Perhaps you are unfortunately unwell at the last minute, then? What a shame, another full year until you have to think about it.

I feel your pain OP. I don't have an easy relationship with my adult step children either. I would not want to spend Christmas in the circumstances you describe.

If you have a decent relationship with husband, can you sit him down and really explain how you feel, and how you'll never stop him having a relationship with them but you are no longer willing to be involved?
I've done this, and he's a bit sad about it but respects my position. I hope you can sort something out, because your mental health is important. Maybe you could couch it in terms of everyone having a nicer time without the stress of maintaining false pretences.
Is this over Christmas day? How would you feel about making alternative plans for yourself?
Best wishes

That was me years ago. I stopped going to the mental torture chamber.

What sort of consequences do you anticipate? I'm concerned that you fear your husbands response.

You don't need to know. The situation is quite clearly traumatic for the OP. This thread isn't your Tuesday night entertainment.

No-one can tell though if she is bu or not without knowing full story, so why bother posting.

Your husband should support you. Or are you hiding it from him?

OP 6 years?! Why is your husband trying to force you to play happy families. Why are you allowing yourself to be forced? YANBU just say no, worst case your husband has a huff- so what? Protect yourself.

Whatever you do, make it a choice because that gives you such a sense of power and confidence.

You can choose to go for one dinner, choose to ask open questions and be polite, choose not to retaliate, choose to visit another friend instead. Whatever.

I don’t normally like to avoid things (because it reinforces the idea/subconscious thoughts that you can’t cope with it and that there is an issue) but I have spent 20 years trying to enforce boundaries and respect in one situation in my life so I totally get that you have tried enough!