AIBU to be so upset with domestic life?

[MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals]

Just wondering because genuinely nobody seems to be listening to me and I need to know if I am at fault before I do something drastic like full time job, cleaner and full time nanny.

I’ve been SAHM since my son was born 11 years ago. He can’t cope with life after 1530 (amazing at masking then it all falls apart) and my husband was always away three nights a week every single week so between those factors I just stopped work.

Then the pandemic happened.

I spend hours a day cleaning just to have to redo it all the next day

1 Am always washing and ironing.
My husband leaves his clothes to pile up on a chair while my side is always clean and tidy.

Nobody in the house cleans the toilet effectively (3boys, 9, 11 & 12) unless I drag them back. I’m talking poo crumbs on the toilet seat etc. Despite me telling them off.

Despite a no shoes policy which everybody sticks to, I have to Hoover all the time.

I’m short nobody does anything. My husband cooks a lavish man type performance me every Sunday- he does the dogs and the bins and often the dishwasher is far far far better than he was

However it’s just not enough

My tipping point was just not finding three ironed shirts chucked on the floor in my sons room and an absolute mountain of clothes that I threw down the side of the bed.

I cannot do this any more. AIBU?

I don't think you're at fault, those hours are hectic with us too. I try and get the housework done outside of those hours. This morning I got the house picked up in half an hour, put some laundry on, set the robot hoover off and went out so no one could mess it up. It will be messy again by tomorrow but that's life. At least people are using their stuff!

Why did you shove a pile of clothes down the side of the bed? My bedside is often like that. Why? My own laziness. So I can't really be mad or sad as it's my own actions.

I completely understand. I'm a sahm of school age DC and I find it never ending. I feel like I spend all day picking up after everyone.

Actions have consequences.

I remember one DC just putting clothes in the washing basket without checking them. He ended up with no clothes one weekend till he helped me wash and sort the the whole family's out.

As regards to the toilet, again, they clean it. Every single time.

Mine cleared up the kitchen after dinner in the afternoon too. Taught them how to load the dishwasher effectively, then how to wash anything that didn't go in the dishwasher and wipe down the surfaces. It was never as clean as I liked it, but it did till they were in bed and I wiped it down afterwards.

It does take more time at the time, but worth it in the long run.

@WakeUpLockie

I don't think you're at fault, those hours are hectic with us too. I try and get the housework done outside of those hours. This morning I got the house picked up in half an hour, put some laundry on, set the robot hoover off and went out so no one could mess it up. It will be messy again by tomorrow but that's life. At least people are using their stuff!

Why did you shove a pile of clothes down the side of the bed? My bedside is often like that. Why? My own laziness. So I can't really be mad or sad as it's my own actions.

Because he can’t be arsed to put them in a laundry basket and I wanted to Hoover, they’ve been there for days now on the floor. He can wash them himself when he runs out of pants. Down side of the bed they went!

I don’t actually want to live with these people any longer

I only have one life and this is like having your work ripped up every day and
Having to redo it. I’ve explained this to them before and they don’t give a shit.

The worst thing is nobody listens. They tune me out. My husband is an ineffective disciplinarian who is a big messy bastard himself.

They are pigs
I Am tired of training these people
I am tired of telling them all off.
I am tired of chipping toothpaste off a bathroom sink. Picking up pants. Searching for missing rugby socks.

I want to live on my own.

My sons 12 he does his own washing, he hoovers and polishes the lounge, his room and the playroom and cleans the bathroom, strips and makes his own bed, washes up after meals.
Stop doing everything, they are more than capable of doing stuff.

full time job, cleaner and full time nanny

What's stopping you?

@AuntyMabelandPippin

Actions have consequences.

I remember one DC just putting clothes in the washing basket without checking them. He ended up with no clothes one weekend till he helped me wash and sort the the whole family's out.

As regards to the toilet, again, they clean it. Every single time.

Mine cleared up the kitchen after dinner in the afternoon too. Taught them how to load the dishwasher effectively, then how to wash anything that didn't go in the dishwasher and wipe down the surfaces. It was never as clean as I liked it, but it did till they were in bed and I wiped it down afterwards.

It does take more time at the time, but worth it in the long run.

They do their rooms in the morning Beds blinds curtain and window

They clear the table and also set it for dinner

But they don’t pick up after themselves

I can’t do it any more

before I do something drastic like full time job, cleaner and full time nanny.

That’s not drastic, that’s normal life.

Why can’t get get a job and childcare?

@LannieDuck

full time job, cleaner and full time nanny

What's stopping you?

Guilt Mainly.

One of my sons is autistic and I am scared of rocking the boat when he’s stable

Go to work. Seriously. They are taking the piss because they think it's your job to look after them.

Go back to work, get a cleaner and book then into after school care. And get your dh to pull his finger out.

Stop ironing.
Stop picking up after them all the time.
My life was like this.
I stamped my feet and don't pick up a thing from the bedroom floor of the teens rooms in the week anymore. On Saturday I tell them to bring their washing. I am not sorting stinky sweaty clothes, pants and socks that they can’t pick up.
Stop tidying up after them like a maid.
Communal areas of the house yes I keep smart. Because I like it that way.
Stop Being a skivy.

Don’t blame
You for feeling like that, still plenty of washing and cleaning to do without picking up pants from the floor.

Have a family meeting, from now on if not in laundry basket it doesn’t get washed.

Things not picked up
Before going to school and clothes, shoes, Tech left all over living room they go in box for 3 days or a week.m depending how mad you are feeling.

Remind them when come In from school or matches that kit gets put in wash or hung up. If they don’t and next time boots still soaking wet or dirty kit then they can’t go. 9-11 is Perfect age start being responsible for things with reminders.

At the moment if they don’t do anything there are no consequence so really why would they?

Go back to work, get a cleaner, lower your standards. Guilt isn't a terribly useful emotion.

You have a life and you are entitled to one. They treat you like this as you are there as a nanny/cook/cleaner. Stop it.

Chuck the iron in the bin.

Turn the wifi off for a couple of hours and tell the boys that it will be reinstated once they've sorted their rooms and cleaned the bathroom.

Get a cleaner once a fortnight for a deep clean of the kitchen and bathroom.

This would drive me nuts too, everyone in your household is now at an age where they can understand what things should be done and do them themselves.

If getting a part-time job and a cleaner was an option I'd be considering it. It won't necessarily help the day to day stuff but will help with bigger stuff that gets cleaned less frequently because of all the regular small stuff.

I'd have think over the next few days about what responsibilities others can take from you based on age and ability then on Friday give them daily chores/tasks. I'm not sure if you could like it to rewards (screen time) or have screen time as a standard and remove it if the tasks aren't complete. Like you already have done, clean their necessary items (school uniform) but if the rest isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed. Stop ironing non essential items, maybe your husband can iron his own shirts on a Sunday too?

I can see you've just reached your limits and something needs to change. Make them responsible for their own stuff and if it's not done just put it in their rooms and close the doors. These are also life skills they're gonna need in a few years anyway.

Get a job. You don't need full time childcare. Your youngest is 9. DH can adjust his working hours to split school runs.

You've reached the end of your rope.
You want to live alone.

As a first step, can you arrange counselling for yourself?

Realistically, how can you change your life?
Can you go back to work?
Hire a cleaner twice a week and ignore the mess the rest of the time?
Focus on your own needs and interests?
Separate and make sure the boys' father accepts 50% custody?

Go back to work and get a cleaner. Also, give them all a rota of jobs to do each week. Teach them how to do the jobs and how to improve on them. Give your husband a list of jobs to do as well, and check they are done properly . If the jobs aren't done properly, increase the cleaners hours. Make it clear that the money spent on the cleaner is going to mean fewer holidays, cheaper holidays and less money available for Xmas and birthdays. Less to spend generally. Book yourself some time away alone or with friends to recuperate.
I have learned some hard lessons myself by spending my life picking up the slack for other people's laziness. I have learned that teaching children to do chores properly when they are young is what you should do. Don't run around after other members of the family. Once children are 12 they should be tidying their own rooms, doing their own washing and helping out with chores. They should also be learning to cook. Otherwise you are making a rod for your own back.

I also second turning the wifi off. It really works!

Running a house is repetitive. Don’t iron stuff. Hoover once a week, have a tidy space that you can relax in if mess stresses you out. Kids can be terrible housemate but you have to teach them and also pick up their slack. Would you be happier working part time while the kids are at school and paying for a cleaner?

I hear you OP however I have the following rules:

• nothing gets washed unless it is in the laundry bin
• nothing gets picked up off the floor unless it's mine
• I don't iron shirts I just tumble dry and smooth. If they choose to scrunch them up then I have made it clear it reflects on them not anyone else ie. they look a slob and don't take pride in themselves
• I don't pair socks and I don't find things, I have developed the ability to not know where anything is. It really is amazing how quickly everyone steps up when they can't find what they need

I could go on. I'm not being 'I've got this sorted, it's easy' at all. However I changed my attitude - why was I worrying about things that didn't affect me? I found DC only need to be late a few times/not be able to participate because they aren't ready/can't find stuff and they step up.

Can I ask how old you are? Could you be perimenopausal? I would get your levels checked and get out of the house - job or voluntary work.

Make a rota for the kids- 3 tasks a week for each of them. An easy job, a quick job and a messy job- something like putting clean clothes away, cleaning the bathroom sink and sweeping the kitchen floor. They can have a small reward when they've done the tasks- something like a game of their choice or screen time. Get them involved in the housework so they see how much work you do.

And split tasks 70:30 with your husband- it seems about right considering he works FT, but he has weekends and some evenings so there's no reason he can't do it. Get him to do his own ironing and putting his washing by the machine/in it depending on how you do washing. If he'd like you to do one of his tasks like ironing a shirt for the next day or tidying his side of the room he can ask nicely.

I think the crux of the issue here is your husband. Not only is he not pulling his weight, he is also setting your kids a bad example, which they all appear to be following.

I'd be reading him the riot act and telling him the marriage will be ending unless he pulls his socks up.

I hear you. This is why I work full time and have a cleaner. Also have asd dc so do get this, but it’s still worth it!